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"You know, from 7/26/14 to 10/31/14 we have a R better then when on honeymoon. I actually never had a most beautiful love. He was always very caring, nice, gentle. I still don't understand how H could make love with such passion, love and intensity if he didn't feel anything about me?"

I have read about this. I think it is partly because for a time, the WAS is getting all of his needs met. He is having an A with someone else, who is meeting part of his needs and you are meeting another part. Having A's can awaken greater sexual desire and affection in WAS's towards their spouse (or it can go the other way). Their libido has been boosted and they want to ML more often - potentially both with the AP and the LBS. So, the A adds 'spice' to your LM for a while. Equally, they can view their spouse very kindly/lovingly whilst having an A.

I think compartmentalisation is important too. For the WAS, the M and the A can be in two separate 'boxes', and they can convince themselves that what is in one box won't affect the other. In fact, they may even believe that having the A 'benefits' their M. In effect they 'open' the A box when they are with the AP, and they open the M box when they are with the LBS.

Plus WAS' may 'minimise' the A....this is just something for me... It's not a huge thing etc.

And they may also 'rationalise' things - 'the kids will be fine' etc.

Of course all of the above thinking and 'boxing up' is only sustainable for so long.

You say that your H has ML to you when he "didn't feel anything about" you. Of course that isn't true, and he does feel many things about you. But of course feelings at the moment are confused (and complex) and it will take some time for the dust to settle on all of this.

I do have goals....have a look at my sitch for these. I do want to update them though....I'm learning as I go along! :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Well here I am... Thanksgiving weekend. I am in the mountains with my three boys and H is at his place, at least I think so.

Last monday H called to offer to take care after our dog and I told him the god was joining us for the trip. Then he asked if would be OK to go to the house to get some tax papers to move forward and I said I was not very comfortable with him in a house while I was not there, he got mad and yelled on the phone that I new about this and that we talked about it before. I sad nothing, just let him calm down.

Then he asked me if was OK to take the kids out on tuesday for a kind of Thanksgiving Lunch, I said it was OK of course and he blow again saying that he was just talking and making plans with me.

I know he is very upset because we all left and didn't spend Thanksgiving at home, but what he wants? the good of both worlds?

He leaves for a week vacation w/OW, does not make any plans with his family and think we will just be waiting for him with our open arms?

He is in denial, he wants me out of the picture as soon as possible without talking about, addressing any issues. He just want to be done with it and forget it ever happened.

I feel sad, and angry and offended... 18 years married to this jerk and he just want to run away with someone else and forget about other people existence.

I also found out that he told about our divorce to our chiropractor, really? It just shows to me that he is moving on as he said.

When the boys and I arrived at the hotel I sent him a text saying that we got here save. He replayed next day and wish me a Happy Thanksgiving... I did not wish him the same. What is so happy about when he is destroying our family? He needs to get real.

Yesterday I send him a text saying... Hi! Kids all well so far. He did text this morning saying: "Hope you are all having lots of fun".

I need to understand better inside myself and my heart how to deal with detaching and showing my changes. I want to detach and I keep thinking about him all the time. I think to show my changes but I do not want to see him, it actually feels better away from the whole drama.

I don't know what to do, by my choice I don't see him for two weeks now. I don't know what to do. Reading some posts here, I see that people have a chance many times in reinvesting in their M. I feel so hopeless, I hear H ask to make copies of taxes and I see he has decided and feels like he won't go back on his decision.

Maybe I need to let it happen and see where it goes...

Hope you all had a decent Thanksgiving and is not hurting much during this time of family celebrations.

Hugs to all.


Pink17
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D:8/5/2015



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"He is in denial, he wants me out of the picture as soon as possible without talking about, addressing any issues. He just want to be done with it and forget it ever happened."

Hi Pink

Hope you and your boys had a great Thanksgiving trip. It may have given H some pause for thought....but of course you having a good time was the main thing. He will do what he will do at the moment.

I completely agree with you on the above quote. That is how it feels with my H and me. Suddenly I feel our marriage has become a huge inconvenience for him and he wants to drop it like a hot coal, marry someone else and have a new family with them. But the bottom line is I am his wife and there isn't much he can do about that for now. I don't think in his mind he regards me as his wife at all any more. I think he just perceives our R to be over, and he has decided how he wants his future life to look (without me in it.)

It is all pretty hard to take. But when you read all of the stuff here, you can see that this is common enough, and that feelings can and do change time and time again.

My H has also talked about the ending of our R with a couple of people and I have found out about this. He hasn't told me it is over. I had a big inner debate on whether to confront him - but decided to leave it. I didn't think any good could come from me opening up that line of talk right now. And if he wants to put on his BBP and tell me, that's up to him!

It is true that your H needs to 'get real.' And there is every likelihood he will at some point. Someone posted somewhere - don't worry so much about the OW...you know how this ends!

We know there isn't much likelihood the A will 'succeed' - the unknown quantity is the timescale. But of course, thinking in this way makes it 'all about him' and for now (as you can't control him) it just needs to be 'all about you - and your family.' It is hard, but it is the only way for now - and possibly for some time.

Slowly, but surely consequences will begin to seep in for your H - regardless of what you do. In fact, you can just 'do nothing' and get on with your life as best you can.

Be patient with yourself on the detachment. We are trying to prise ourselves like barnacles off the person we loved best of all. The person we hoped to always rely on. We can't expect it to happen overnight.

Hugs to you. Toots :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Pink,

What is it that YOU specifically want? You mention you want to make changes -- what are those changes?


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
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Thanks for visiting,
I know myself and I know I could be a little different and still feel good about myself.

A little bit like you, I had a tough childhood, but I also had lots of love... it was very mixed. I had pain and happiness altogether.

I have been practicing, trying to find my inner self and feel good with my surroundings, the universe itself. I think it was always there and now it is becoming who I am. I don't want to be tough...I want to be strong in my values and my core as a person. I don't want to be a victim... I want to recognize what hurts me or what I don't like and make a clear choice of not allowing it to hurt. I don't want to be dependent anymore... I want to be in peace with who I am and not duel on who I need to be for someone else.

I have been in many places, many countries, many different cultures and I don't really know if I am right or wrong in my choices... I just know I want to feel I owe my own opinion, my successes, my talents and as well my mistakes, fears... and be OK with myself.

There is a big open wound inside of me and it needs to heal so I can be myself again. I know it is not going to be easy, but I am getting to the conclusion that it's best for me alone.

I have been reading a lot, and reading these posts a lot, and I got to the conclusion that my M ended some time ago and if there is a chance for reconciliation, then it will be a new M, starting over.

I am also looking for my financial independency, I want to go back to college and start somewhere, something I like and can give me an opportunity for a new job, a better pay, maybe a business. Somehow work also define my happiness, it's a big part of who I am and what mood I can get everyday. I like working, it feels good.

That is what I want to change, and I am changing... I will get there, with tears, smiles and everything in between.

Pink


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He behaves like he is missing me, like he needs to be connected but yet he is moving forward w/D. Please, help me understand.

H has been texting every day for one or another stupid reason. Things he never did before now became normal for him. He even called me and left a nice message for me to call him back to discuss his invitation for our almost 21y old son to go with him to a company Christmas Party this coming Friday. Didn't call back... our older kid is a man, I do not need to talk to H about him going to a party.

H texted on Tuesday evening asking if we could meet on wed or thur, I did not answer right away. I need to meet with a lawyer tonight and I want to have all my info about my rights and what I can or can't negotiate with H before I talk to him. So, I text him back saying I was busy all week and could meet with him on Saturday.

Wednesday morning my kids had school late start and he comes in a house about 20min earlier, I was finishing the kids breakfast. He saw me and got really nervous, apologized for entering the house. I didn't say much, but I asked him what he wants to talk to me, if it was about the D and he said no, that he wants to talk about us, about our lives. Then I asked again, "about us, so you mean about our D?"... Ooops no DB at all, but he said that he just want to see me, spend some time with me, talk about us.

I am mind reading here, but I think he will try to convince me he wants to sell the house. Well, I am not supposed to be mind reading and get ready for something I don't even know. Need to calm down and see what happens.

Somehow, part of me wants to give up on all of this. I am tired of it all, all the drama, being careful, trying do not get hurt emotionally and/or financially. It's so much stress right now.

Does anyone have an advice for Saturday? Does anyone have some experience with the fact that H asked for a D, tells he has OW in the picture, left the house and does text me every day and sometimes calls me.

I don't want to get hurt again, but I don't want to lose an opportunity to make him fall in love with me all over again.

Pink


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Well, sounds to me like he may still be somewhat conflicted...

I would listen and validate primarily. Be as strong and serene as you can manage. have a look at the validation cheat sheet.

If he is asking you to make decisions, buy yourself time....I'll have to think about that etc..

But if there are clear boundaries, you can state them. Mine was that I won't be in a M/R with H when he is involved with OW. We don't do family stuff and I'm not his friend.

Above all, remember it is early days. Things are pretty unstable in your sitch...as in mine - and everything can change.

And remember, you are not a victim here...you are a lovely, self-respecting woman who is deciding what she wants to do with the rest of her life....with or without H in it!

Good luck x


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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I woke up feeling so tormented today... I have a meeting with H today and I feel so afraid to face the D talk. I really need help getting myself together to face it. Please give me some advice of how to go through it.

H came into the house to pick up S20 to go to a company Xmas party. He was pleasant as usual. I did not hug or kiss him.

S20 told me that he did the whole explanation that he wants to be friends with me because he cares and will always care deeply for me but that our M is over.

H told him he never cheated on me and did not sleep with anyone and is not with anyone till now. That he just have feelings for someone that is actually far away.

S20 told me that H seems pretty done with me, that H said today he will talk about the D and try to agree on some things to make it easier for everyone.

S20 even said that at some point he asked H to stop talking about mom and the whole situation because it is something we need to talk about. S20 said that H would go on and on trying to justify himself, trying to get some approval for what he is doing. H said that it could be very different but he feels that he has been unhappy for a long time and does not see that things will ever change.

When H drop off S20 I was in front of the house, on the phone with a friend. H got out of the car and walked to the house, I tough he would say hi to S17 and S14 but instead he hugged me, gave me a kiss on the cheek and said Good Night.

I know that eventually this D will happen because he is moving towards it... but I can't help thinking that his actions are so different then what he says. I feel he still loves me. The way he looks at me, talks to me. The fact that there is not a day that he does not text for one reason or another, that he calls me for stupid things.

I spoke with an attorney and she advise me do not get too emotional at this point and protect myself and the kids, she told me she has seen many Hs being all nice and take advantage on the person that has too much hope.

Ahg...I know I need to be patient with all this and with H and with myself, but sometimes I feel I want to let it go and just have it all resolved, done for good.

I am so thankful for this board, it's almost the only place I can cry out loud and people won't say I am stupid and crazy, that I shouldn't have hope and need to get down to business and move on with my life and forget the bastard.

Please, if you have some advise on how to go through a D talk and yet show I changed, it would be appreciated.

Thanks to all of you.

Pink


Pink17
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D:8/5/2015



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Pink,

-look good

-smell good

-have a PMA about the conversation. You may think you know what's coming, but who knows what's going to come out of his mouth.

-but at the same time, have no expectations about the conversation or his actions. He could be "nicing you up" to soften the blow of asking for a D. He could ask for a D and OW could drop him. There's a lot of things that could happen.

-listen and validate his concerns/feelings

-keep your head held high and show the same grace, poise and dignity that you show us daily.

- you don't have to agree to anything in this conversation.

Hugs to you. Please let us know how it goes - will be thinking of you today.


M:32,H 32
T:10, M5
BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger
H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15
Served D Papers: 10/15
Divorced: 11/15
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Hi Pink

Just checking in with the forum and wondering how things went with your H yesterday?

Hope you're doing okay today :-)

I have been visiting with my parents today. I'm off to try a new aqua aerobics class this evening. I don't really feel like going, but I'm going to make myself do it!

Hope to catch up with you soon, Toots ()


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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