So, how did it go yesterday? I'm sorry I didn't manage to reply last night - but hopefully you got through it ok, even if you were feeling a bit wobbly. Which is understandable in the circumstances.
And even if it didn't go as you hoped, remember that we don't all get it right all of the time. These are difficult times and we have to be compassionate with ourselves.
I just wanted to clarify. How do you know about OW anyway? I'm not sure if you explained that earlier? And, although he knows that you are concerned about a possible OW, he doesn't know that you know - is that right?
And at this point he hasn't admitted to an OW?
I think the 'friends' thing is challenging. I tried to do that with my H. But I found it tough. I'm not his friend, I'm his W, and he has betrayed our vows. At one stage, he started confiding in me about how difficult his R with OW is. How she can be distant, he doesn't feel cherished, and she doesn't always treat him well.
At that point, that was it for me. I couldn't be that confidante for him, and I told him so. He understood and acknowledged he had probably said too much about her. For now, I think he regards our R as 'over.' And has told others this too, which hurts. but I also know that things are extremely rocky with OW. She is still abroad with OM in the picture. H is issuing ultimatums to her....so we'll see.
Time and patience will tell for all of our sitches...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Need Help! H just called and wants to confirm if the kids and I are going to the Mountains to spend the Thanksgiving weekend. I told him that yes and that he is welcome to join us there. H said that no, that I can spend time with the kids. H offer to take care after the dog and I said we are taking the dog with us. Then he asked if it would be OK if he comes to the house to gather some paperwork, like tax returns, bills. I told him I would feel better if he does that when we are home. He got very upset, and spoke very angry saying that he just want to help with this whole situation, that he told me what he is doing and this would make things easier for everyone. He also asked if would be OK for him to have lunch with the boys tomorrow and I said that I have no problem with it, asked if he spoke with the kids and he said again very angry, that he was just talking to me about this, just making plans the right way. I don't get, I have been dark forever, I don't call, don't text, don't give him a hard time, wasn't even home yesterday when he picked up the boys and was not home when he came back from dinner. So why the h**l is he so mad with me. Like I did something wrong? I just figure that I need to learn this boundaries business. He is the one that left me, cheated on me, has an affair, took vacations with his lover and now I get the bad mood, the yelling and anger. Agh.. I just wish he explode in a million pieces. Sometimes I just wonder if would be just fine to do this idiot D and finish this nightmare. He wants to be my friend, and I am now finding out that he just want to be friends to make his life easier. He is not thinking about his family. Love and hate walk very close... Oh, my heart hurts... how someone that not too long ago was saying he loves you and now is doing all this crazy. I wish I just hate him, would make everything much easier.
Hi Toots, I agree with you. He didn't expect boundaries from me. He never had to deal with it. I am a very open person, I do not have secrets. H will be very angry when he finds out I changed the locks. Yeah, I think he will go to the house even if I asked him not to and he will stay there all four days we will be out. So, I decided to change the locks tonight. H rented a room on someone's house and found out later on that they have a cat and four dogs. H has allergies and asthma and he has a very hard time w/cats. Well, for 18years I have the house very clean so he would never have asthma, now it is not my problem anymore. I am trying to maintain a pleasant R with him during this time, but it seems that the more I detach, the angrier he gets. Probably his R w/OW is going well and he really needs to move on w/D... mind reading. I really don't know him anymore, I am doing my best to be strong for the kids and myself. I keep saying to myself that there is the practical side that I need to focus without any feelings... I need to look after our financial stability, our house, our future (the kids and mine). H wants to sell the house and use the money to get some small place for himself and said that I can easily find a rental for me and the kids...Nope, thanks, I won't do that. I will keep the house no matter what. Toots, you asked me how I know about the OW. End of 7/14 when he dropped the D bomb, he said he had feelings for someone, that he was not in an affair, and never had anything to do with this person, but he though she had feelings for him too. Later, talking to him I asked if it was a coworker and he said sort of it. Then he got a airplane ticket on his miles but charged the taxes on our bank card. I called and found out the ticket was for France. His brother lives in Paris. I did some snooping (maybe bad for me) and found out that he has a lady in his welcome sales meetings list that leaves in Paris, is 50y old, has two older kids (25,22) and she is divorced. That I know it is her, no. But I have a gut feeling it is. I asked H to came clean with me and just talk very clear about this whole thing, but he does not want. He wants me to just understand that our marriage is over and there will never be us again. He is done for good and moving on and wish that I move on too. Hurts... I am read 37 rules and try my best to detach and not worry about what he says, but sometimes I feel like it is all he wants and he is not coming back. I am confused...
First thanks for stopping in on my thread and showing support. I appreciate it.
Second -- what does your state say about changing the locks on the house? I'm assuming both of you own it? The reason I ask -- I checked on changing the locks when H was in the full throes of his anger. I found that until we were legally separated (with documentation in place) or one of us was off the deed -- I could change the locks but my H would have no ramification if he decided to break in. My cop friend told me that he could break in, trash the house, etc and there would be nothing I could do, because he owned the house as well.
Just a friendly warning!
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
Thanks a lot Calibri, Checked about the locks and there is no law against changing the locks but if I am not divorced yet or at least legally separated where the court tells who will stay in a house until the divorce is done, then the S can brake in the house.
You are a blessing, because it does not makes any difference, H can come into the house any time he wants. He can have the key and even came unannounced if he wants to.
Hope you're having a better day today. Mine is being hard today.
I will visit your posts later today. Hang in there sunshine!
Hi Pink 17. I would also urge some caution about the locks. Best not to do any drastic things that will inflame the situation right now.
It is still very early days for you both. And whilst he is saying 'that's it for us etc.' and I'm sure that is what he 'believes' he wants right now - he is probably in affair fog/fantasy land.
And if she lives in Paris - that's a heck of a long way away - much like my H and his OW. But let's remember - he and she may be 'living the dream' right now. But their R has only existed in an affair 'bubble' thus far. Reality will gradually intrude, and if this is like most A's, their R won't survive.
Do you know the stats? Around 70% of M's survive A's. Whilst only around 5% of A's end up as M's and of those M's around 75% end in divorce. Those are dismal stats if you are having an A - and it is all very much in favour of M's.
But time and patience are so important. Things need to run their course....as people say. You have to go t-h-r-o-u-g-h it, there's no other way. And the best way to survive going through it is to work on the things you can control - you, and your life!
Toots :-)
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks Toots, I think it is hard to just acknowledge that it is all happening right now. Folks here are right... one day you feel you can take the world and the other you feel like garbage. Because of his shouting yesterday, I feel like crap today. Need to go home and start packing, maybe some fun with my kids will be just what I need. I won't change the locks... I am stubborn too. It's good I have good friends here so I can remember why I am here in the first place.
Besides, he thinks I am going to the Mountains for revenge and to punish him, so it could make things much worse with the whole lock issue. Ok, no messing up w/locks.
Toots, even when the odds are not exactly against me, I just feel that he is so done with me. But I am reading again and again Sandy's 37 rules, trying to believe that there is hope.
You know, from 7/26/14 to 10/31/14 we have a R better then when on honeymoon. I actually never had a most beautiful love. He was always very caring, nice, gentle. I still don't understand how H could make love with such passion, love and intensity if he didn't feel anything about me?
Does anyone knows why they do this?
I tough it was guilty at first, but it wouldn't last so long, then I tough was a goodbye, but again he did not leave very fast. Can't get it and I would like to understand.
Probably some vets would say, "it does not matter right now, you need to move forward, do your GALs and keep an eye on the prize" RIGHT??
Thanks ladies, my day is better just because of you!
You know, from 7/26/14 to 10/31/14 we have a R better then when on honeymoon. I actually never had a most beautiful love. He was always very caring, nice, gentle. I still don't understand how H could make love with such passion, love and intensity if he didn't feel anything about me?
Does anyone knows why they do this?
I would love to know this too. How did H sleep next to me every night, have great sex, talk about throwing parties at our new house - our future together if he was checked out of the marriage and done?
Probably some vets would say, "it does not matter right now, you need to move forward, do your GALs and keep an eye on the prize" RIGHT??
It would be interesting to hear the vets thoughts.[i]
M:32,H 32 T:10, M5 BD/H Move Out: 9/2014 - extreme anger H Mental Illness Diagnosis: 4/15 Served D Papers: 10/15 Divorced: 11/15
I my case I think H started the affair awhile ago, don't know when...but he was withdraw many times. When I asked what was wrong, he would say that he was tired, that he was dealing with a lot at work.
I can't say we were unhappy but I can't say we were happy either. Lots of stress with my kid being very suicidal. I became very stressed out and many times I was withdraw myself. I was drained and he took much of my depression as a personal issue.
One thing he keep saying is that I didn't love him for a long time and now I am just having feelings of loss, that soon enough I will be happier because he is not in my life. H actually told my whole family this.
Lately I am avoiding him at all costs, I don't even feel like talking to him on the phone. And yesterday, when he said that he wants to make copies of all the tax returns and financial papers I felt again this pain in my stomach. It means he is not thinking we can turn around and work on our M. I fear he had a good time w/OW and will serve me D papers very soon.
I need to detach, but it's been hard. I look like detaching but I can't lie to myself. I think about him every second of the day.
I want to take some time this weekend and think about my goals, they are all over the place. I have no direction, no plan of action right now, and this is not good. I just have fear and I am paralyzed by it.
Hey Toots and Calibri what are your goals? Did you set any and could accomplish any yet?
