Hi There, I have been reading many posts and forums since end of Aug/14 and have been learning more in these few months then I learned all my life. My husband gave me the D request on 7/26/14 - We have been married for 18 years on 12/14/14. We have three boys, 20, 16 and 14. I heard those words that are so famous on the boards - I love you a lot, but not the same way I use to love you. Well I have been in Limbo since then and we have been best friends, best lovers and very close since then. I decided to write so I can get some help of how to handle my situation in a way that will reinforce my will, my spirit and with or without my husband I will continue my life. I don't know if he has any affair at this point, he doesn't behave like he has but I am not sure, lots happen during this time and he moved out of the house on 10/31/14. H has been out of the house for a week but I got text messages almost every day, he called me friday morning and asked if we could meet to talk, I asked what he wanted to talk and he said about us, our lives. I was shaking all day long. I though he would just list his decisions and tell me he was filling for D now, but nothing, basically he just told me he checked the price of our house and that's it. We talked about what is going on in our jobs, we talked about my niece's birthday party, kids, more of his work, during the time we were talking I answer a text message and told him I need to get going. We talked a little more and towards end I mention that it was weird that for a long time we did not do this, meet just the two of us, drink some wine and talk and he said that it was strange I mention this because he was just thinking about this while he was waiting for me. He thank me a few times for spending some time with him to talk. He walked to my car and gave me a big, long hug and a kiss. I do not know what to think, maybe it is my DBing working, maybe he is still not believing in my changes, or maybe he is more lost then I thought. I notice he was somewhat sad, not beaten up but kind a poor dog eyes. H was very polite and I still feel that he loves me, not D talking, no decisions,just talk. Crazy hum?
On saturday H came to pick up the boys for a fun afternoon and to give me some free time. I asked the boys to be ready so he wouldn't wait for them. H came into the house, he was happy and was very nice, gave me a hug and kiss on the chic, asked how I was doing. My S14 also mention that I told him H would pick him up by 1am when I arrived close to midnight, H just looked at me and said Oh! you got home kind a late then. H sent me a text saying that they would eat outside, when they came back H came in again, more hug and kiss. He said that the boys had fun. He start leaving and remember his clean with tshirts, socks and underwear. I gave it to him and helped him to put in a bag. H gave me a hug and kiss, then said he would use the restroom, when back he gave me another hug and kiss, we walked together outside the house and he put his bag in the car, walking back to me and gave me another hug and kiss, his face was sad, I could say it felt he didn't want to leave, he went to his car and and I went inside the house and close the before he was gone. I did not hear from him on sunday. Today I sent him a text to find out if he would pick up the kids from school and he answered me right away that he could do it. He also did text that it was snowing outside. By 7pm he called and I missed the call, I called him back to find out what he wanted and he asked me to take the kids to school tuesday morning, we talked a little bit about the snow for the next day and we end the call. I really don't know what is going on, I wounder if my DBing is working so well and H is always contacting me. I don't know what to think about his attitude but as difficult as it is I am not calling or initiating anything with him, I am GAL but I don't know what to do next.
S14 wants to change cell phone and spoke w/h about it. H called by 6pm yesterday and wants to stop by the house to talk about the cell phones, then asked if I was cooking and if he could have dinner with us. He came in and was acting as usual. Gave me a hug and a kiss, talked about work a little and I was not talking much, just finishing dinner. H was talking football with the kids then came and set up the table, also as usual with him as the big daddy. After dinner he sat on the cough talking to S14 about the phone, then he starting getting ready to leave. At this point I did talk to him about the phones and he asked me to call once I get out of work and we will all meet at the store to get all 5 phones, I am surprised he will get all of us on the bill. I also asked if he gave some thinking about the house and explain again that I want to keep the house and not move to any rental, that I do not want to disrupt my kids live more then what we have been doing for the past 4 months and he agreed, he won't make any problem about this. Great! Then he said he would be picking up the kids to school next morning and I said that I could do it since the roads are very icy and it is very cold. He said he wanted to do because next week he won't be helping me since he is traveling. I asked if he was going to Mexico for business and he said that no, that he was going on vacation, I asked where and he told he would rather not tell me details. I asked if he was going with someone and he said no, he will go and meet someone. H doesn't know that I know he is going to France where his brother lives. He said he does not want to talk much about because he does not know exactly what he is doing. I then said that if he is meeting someone is because he started all this while being with me and he insist that he does not have any R with another person at this point, that needs to do this to find out what is going on with him. I was very angry hearing all this but kept my cool to find out more and try to understand what he is doing. I told him I do not want surprises and want him to be honest with me and he said he will never do anything to disrespect me because he really cares about me and I am the only person he will love and treasure forever. Yeah right! Well, he is going in his adventure to spend a week vacation in France with God knows who and I was saving money to pay bills because we can't afford to be to extravagant right now. The book DB and DR are right, one in this situation needs to GAL and have a good look at yourself and stop letting the WAS to take advantage on you. I realized that it is time to have a good look in the mirror and really find who I am and who I want to be. I know it is hard to hear all this from a man that does not even want to put divorce papers, a college kid that took his clothes and a few belongs and think that he has his freedom and has the right to rock 4 peoples lives. It is not easy for now until this bloody divorce is done, but I will find myself again, a woman that has been sleeping inside me playing mommy and wife and I will be happy again, no matter what. I don't get why he wants to be so connect to me right now, I asked him time and space to regroup and he just don't stop calling, text and seeing me, any excuse and he is in the picture. Well, who knows what will happen, I am a person of faith and right now I will put my pain in God's hands and try to be happy with my kids and start a new journey in my life, the new me start today, one day at time and I will find peace inside me again. And if H comes back, well I will think about this then, right now he is the worst person in the world and I am hurt because of him. I will go dark, I need to be away from all his drama for awhile. Hope one day I get to share some thoughts with the folks around here that gives advices and encouragement. Hugs to all! Pink17
This week has been very hard. I know H is in Paris w/OW, I even had an idea who it is. Someone from his work. It hurts. I am trying my best, and really trying to exercise everything I have been learning from the threads I read, the advises that are given to other broken hearts that are here. As a matter of fact this is the place I find comfort. It will be nice when I start getting some replies. I have been working, exercising, I went to the bank to get some info on my house because I do not want to sell the house. H spoke about selling it and I said I do not want, he said it is fine w/him, that we will see. He will probably try to get some agreement in some other way. H changed so much in these last months, it's like he is another person. At least H sent a text to the kids saying that if they need anything they can call him. Sometimes the though of him w/OW feels like killing me inside, it feels like it is a nightmare that won't end. My three boys and me just came back from the gym, it feels good to work out and make me sleep well too. Besides, it feels good to be in shape, look good. The boys and I decided to go to the mountains for the Thanksgiving weekend, have some fun together, they are troopers and we all get along very well. H doesn't know our plans, I don't even know if he will care much about. It will be the first Thanksgiving that H is not home and I think it's good we are not in a house. I know I will be OK with H or without, I need time to heal and God to guide me. It just feels so difficult to believe that there is any chance for my M. With all what is going on since it all started I don't even know if I can forget, forgive...Am I going to be that strong and have such a spirit to just put everything in the past? I don't know yet.
This week has been hard, knowing that S is on vacation w/OW in Paris is hard to swallow, but I do not know what is going on in reality. H did text kids on last monday that if they need anything to call his cell - he called the S20 and S14 on wednesday to say that he is planning to see them on sunday 11/23. What should I do, be around so I can talk to him a little? or totally ignore him and make sure he does not even see me?
I am still not sure if this is some MLC or he fell for OW since we had so many challenges since last year.
I read some very difficult situations here and yet it was possible to rescue the M. Do you think there is any hope for me?
Hi. Just a quick post to say there is always hope. Try not to mind read about what your H is doing b/c it will only wreck your head. Try to deal with facts and not what you THINK. Sorry your here but there are some very helpful vets who will offer great advice. Take care
Hi Pink 17. I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds as though you are doing some helpful things to get through this - and good that your boys are so supportive too - bless them. I was like you in the first period of time - my H had admitted his A - and we talked a lot about our marriage and why this happened.
I thought he might decide to end the A, but he hasn't. He too is involved with a former colleague, and flies off around the world to see her - even though their R doesn't sound at all happy...which hurts! After a few months, I decided to withdraw and he & I haven't spoken for some time now. Not sure whether this is for the best, but we'll see...
Some bizarre things have happened recently, and he has shown some lack of regard and consideration. Very out of character for him - and I too wonder if this is a MLC for him.
If the A is continuing, it is important to set some clear boundaries for yourself. Mine were - I won't live with you, or be involved in a R with you, whilst you are involved with someone else. I haven't regretted holding true to that one. I know now that I could have 'tempted' H back into a sexual relationship, and he would have carried on seeing OW too, which would have been awful.
What do you think led to your H being vulnerable to an A in your M? Have you read DB and DR? I would start with DR if I were you. Also, recognise that there is probably not much you can do about things for now in respect of him, the A or your M - other than not make them worse. What makes them worse? Lots of talking, reasoning, I love you's, pleading, talking of all our good times etc. I read somewhere - at this time, your H is operating purely on emotion - reason will never trump that. He may ultimately turn back to your M, but things are on a course that has to 'run the course' now.
Best to do things for you and your boys right now. What are your GAL activities? You'll need some for sanity purposes...and for showing your H that you can move forward alone. Just one point from your posts...are you doing his laundry for him still? If so....I would stop that right now. Having an A has consequences, one of which is you'll have to do your own laundry!
Time will tell what will happen. The stats on A's leading to marriage are grim, and most affairs implode after a period of time. But you don't want to sit and hope for that. You want to move (slowly and painfully - but with some joy in there too, I've found) towards the person you want to be - no matter what ultimately happens with your H.
You sound like a lovely woman and your H sounds like a decent man (like mine was - is?) This suggests possible MLC to me. I found some of the info from Hearts Blessing to be helpful to me.
Good luck to you anyway....I'll keep in touch with your sitch from over the pond!
Toots x
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thanks rd500! I have been trying. I noticed that when I get very busy I feel better about this whole situation. Going to the Gym with the boys are helping. I talk to some close friends, I am seeing a therapist, just booked a hotel to go to Glenwood Springs over the Thanksgiving break, which I think will be a blast with the boys. They too need some break from all this crazy situation and I think will be a way to relax and have some fun. H does not know we know he was in Paris, visiting his brother and OW. Last time we spoke he said he was going somewhere to see someone, and he didn't want to say anything about because he did not know what he was doing. I said to him that if he was going to meet someone over a week vacation then it is because he was with that person for quite a while, even when he was with me. He said he was not, he is not and doesn't even know if he will be with someone, he just know he need to do this now. Sometimes I feel like my biggest pain is the rejection, to be damped, to be replaced, I feel I gave so much for this M and now he just gets out and go have fun. Sometimes I feel I love him to death and other times I feel I just don't want to see him anymore in my life. Ahhh! I don't know what to do next. I know somethings I need to do like getting a lawyer, but I keep postponing, almost like some miracle will happen. H will came to get the boys on sunday, what do I do? Do I talk to him? So far, we are friends, he hugs me and give me a kiss always when we see each other. But I am stock, I don't know what to do now, should I be his friend and welcome him with a smile or just be out of the house while I know he will be there? I think I am still in denial, I really need to work on my GAL and 180s. I feel I am not doing this right. I feel quite lost.
Hi Toots!What led my M to this point... My oldest son was having some depression problems a little over three years ago, he was diagnosed with ADHD and started taking some medication, at some point his doctor changed the meds and he end up in a hospital for a week, he lined three times and we were given no hope for him to came back, it was devastating, but he made it. Right after, my S17 best friend (he was like my own kid) committed suicide, it was extremely painful and now I was dealing with my S18 depression. He did not want to have friends for a long, long time. On 12/24/13 S20 was finally diagnosed with Bipolar disorder. It was when he tried to kill himself, to hurt himself, that things started getting really bad. I would spend hours talking to him, giving support, holding his hands and praying, sometimes all night long. To make things worse, my little one, the S14 had whooping cough (he had the vaccine), he was out of school for 50 days. At this point I felt drained, tired, I now recognize now that I was very depressed, sad, hopeless. H start getting very distant, he would come home from work, talk a little, eat dinner with us and then go to the bedroom very early. I did not have time for him for a while, and he decided I did not love him anymore and that's why I was not giving him the attention. I said to him many times that I would like to go to counseling and have my words translated to him in a way he would understand that I do love him, I just have too many things to deal with. I asked him to take some things of my plate for awhile but his selfishness did not allow him to help, to understand... he was thinking about himself and how life was stressful at work and at home, that his career was not the way he wants it to be and that his boss was in his way to success. That he wanted more romance but I was always busy doing house work, kids. He decided to withdraw from the problems we were facing at that time. I felt very alone, many decision were my alone, I felt insecure and afraid of the future. S20 was in a hospital for a week again and this time because he was trying suicide again. H took the other 2 boys and spent the week in the mountains, doing his snowboarding, can you believe that? So I have lots of resentments, pain, anger... Fortunately, the boys are doing better now, they are each others friends and help each other all the time. And now, they help me. About my GAL. I do work part time, what I like a lot, and was told do not change my job situation until I know better if there will be a divorce or not. In my job I help people with serious problems, patients that do not have limbs. I do see a lot of hope and courage every day coming from folks that already lost so much. I am going to the gym at least three times a week - lost 27lbs already... everyone says I am looking very good. Signed up to volunteer for the Salvation Army Christmas bell ringer, go to church every sunday and sometimes talk to some friends after mass. Have a support group for hurting individuals during the Holidays to attend. I see a therapist every week and love it, he is pro marriage, but believes that I need to work on myself first. Have a prayer group that meets every wednesday, it's more like getting together with some nice friends to talk to God and ourselves about our lives. And I am always trying to do my best to find something to do if I have a day off, like next week short vacation trip to the mountains. I would say my next goal is to call an attorney and set up an appointment and I want to go back to school, I have a bachelors degree in Languages, but I need to find out what I want next. And you are right Toots, I can't do much about my selfish H. And I cried, begged, etc just one time and then my pride was such that I refuse to be the victim. Soon after the bomb I found DB website, I have DB and DR and read both and keeping reading again and again. Amazing as it is, what has been helping me is this board, I keep thinking about Labug's words of wisdom and it comforts me, it makes me feel that even without the dinosaur my life will go on. If you have any other advise or idea to improve my situation, please do, I need to learn a lot, try, improve... thanks for all your help and caring Hugs to all.
Hi Pink. You recent troubles with your S20 are very hard to read I am not a vet so please take what I say as general advice with no expertise behind it. It sounds like you H just can't or won't cope with the issues in his life You sound amazing and. Is you have this crap to deal with. If you read Sandi2 oats it gives an insight to a WASs mind. They just don't think like you expect them to. All we can do is improve us and carry on and get / enjoy our life.
The rejection and replacement feelings you have , we all share. For me it's hard to believe my W and I are where we are. If you had asked me 11 months ago could this happen I would have laughed
As per my other post , your imagination is your worst enemy at this time. Stay focused on each moment and not what could happen or might have happened. The is a long journey for all of us and we can only deal with it as happens. By imagining what is going to happen we are causing ourselves more pain than we maybe have to.
Your H has caused your pain but by over thinking it you are now causing yourself more pain
