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Hey UR -

good post - you're a special person. I cannot imagine someone picking on you. like, what's not to like?

how very true - seeing oneself as reflected by others. It doese seep into your pores and it does affect ya. It's the constancy and damage over time. i'm glad i never felt it (or it never registered) as a kid. it's hard enough as an adult; i think of poor kids who get negative feedback alot- geeeeeezzzzz.

I never felt like a rotten person. I felt hurt by criticism. I did, and still do, expect too much of my self. like some impossible bar up there in life - and i can always (and SHOULD) "DO A BIT BETTER". I make myself tired. maybe it was so easy for them to glom onto that- my expectation of self. they could easily make me feel like i was not being & doing all i should? guilt, guilt, guilt .... idk- old old news huh?

BUT THEN - i wonder, if that expectation of self to rise above, do a bit better, listen when you feel like running, be nice when it's not easy, etc - is conscience and makes us human? is it the thing that makes us a "good person". If we just stopped expecting more and only took care of our own needs all the time- wouldn't we just be selfish and self-centered and not very nice people? idk - i get tangled up here. if we stop expecting better of ourselves - maybe we wouldn't be who we are and should be?

with my h and mother too, two peas in a pod - personality wise. wiseguys, hardguys, "don't need nobody" guys, etc.

oh well- don't even feel like expending the energy to psycho-analyze this junk-

good stuff - have a wonderful day-

ya hold out hope & positive-ism- and that's p5riceless. xxoo

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Thank you, Heather...you are pretty amazing...

yes, Shining, I have met you...and oh no, not a MLC song. LOL!

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Thanks Nero. My mom and xh were badly broken. So, they were projecting on me what they felt about themselves. I wish I could say that it didnt affect me profoundly, because it did. But this journey allowed me to work through it and I am thankful each day for it.

I think we can all say we are hurt by criticism. I try really hard to understand where it is coming from and that allows me to take it less personally.

If someone isnt happy with something about me...that is more a reflection on them than on me, I think. They had some preconceived expectation. I am still me, regardless.

I try to be the person I want to be every day and live my life in the best way I know how. I try to be a good person..loving, loyal, open and kind. Could I do better on some days? Yep. Am I a bad person if I dont? I dont think so.

I think the problem lies in trying to live up to someone elses expectations of us. I get to decide my worth.

I am still a work in progress. Always will be, I believe.

Thanks for stopping by, my friend. Always love to hear your thoughts.

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Big, big sigh......

That's good stuff, uR. Made me think a little about xh feelings. They are his. That's right. I will accept it and move along. That is part of this process....

What an amazing and inspirational journey you have been on. And to help others the way you do. I dig it.

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Amazing post. I'm bookmarking it for future reference. I am looking forward to one day being able to say the same things for myself. Thank you so much for sharing this.


Me- 40 H- 41
S8, D5, S4
M 19 y T 23
Bomb drop 6/2013
H asked for/filed for D 9/2014
22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
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you're cute - you sure wouldn't "love to hear my thoughts" lately- black black black

FRUSTRATION abounds. oh well huh? this business of living with your decisions and outcomes - well, it's a pain. read a thing this morning saying let go of "outcome" notion - just do best as go along. workin on that today. just today - this minute.this "standing" business - i wonder now at my own motivation. i wonder if my ability to love H is totally dead as a doornail - i wonder if i'll ever feel it again- i cannot remember today how it felt to feel THAT for him and to feel loved. pitiful old mess - oh well tho, not weeping in my soup and carrying on nicely, mostly. gal'ing and acting as if - so best i can do today... -

oh well- me and everyone alive huh? i'm going to go walk- shake off ratty mood. if a person was around this house- other than me, i'd have laughed a few times already today and be on better footing. i'll go visit my sister- there's always something to laugh about with anyone alive.

let me think- thinking of you while trying to get this house cleared out & up to put on market. this obligation to sell stuff and give $$ to church- it would be alot easier and quicker to just make a donation and be done with it. am trying to figure a fair $$ amount we would be likely to get if we could (in fact) sell the stuff. nobody wants to buy it- everybody wants us to pay them a giant chunk of change to take it away.

i wonder really if i could just make a donation and do as well putting it on craigs list for free?? then just hire a clear out guy if all else fails. it sure goes against the grain - being told it's all "garbage" - uh hem, excusssse me.

oh well- more crappola to deal with please.

anyway- looks like a lovely (if coldish) morning- another day of f'ing round in mom's house when i should be cleaning my own-

life seems up in air as usual- working this a.m. on capturing the sentiment that it's "the journey" not the final destination or outcome that counts.

soo- gonna do my "best" here with this stuff- not allow self to be invested in teh outcome- and that is that.

okay- i'm outta here before i get ratty

xxoo love ya man- have a wonderful day.

i hope i'm not totally , merely deluded about myself - and the sort of person i am. i'm sure glad i didn't notice if i was picked on til last decade or so. i cannot imagine the lasting effects if it's something in one's yo0uth (something huge to be grateful for - my innocence . It's just h's mlc and mom's oldest age - have taken a lasting toll on my ego i think. who ever woulda thunk?

i would tell me i'm a decent citizen th o, wouldn't I. we all do. oh well

i'm outta here.

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hey hi UR -

have i found your curent thread? i just wanted to say hi and merry christmas. heading to nj tomorrow - weather has been coolisha nd nice here- interesting to think of being freezing butt off in a day or so-

nothin much going on- wrote to you in my thread - then found this-

so anyway- i'm a bore today- but a perky bore so yay and ha!

hope you and sonny are well and happy and that your christmas is nice- xxoo

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