After 6 months of DBing , doing 180s and generally turning my life around she accepted me back and agreed to work with me on R. Here is the celebratory thread:
The next 18 months were pretty good. I kept most of my 180s including: better fitness, better teeth! Much less passive/aggressive behaviour; better clothes, joined a cycling club and a running club, made a lot more friends of my own etc etc. I remember lots of good times with the W and kids. Things weren’t perfect as we both work full time and I spend a lot of time away on business. Also Sex has long been an issue between us with her wanting more sex/more varied sex and me to take more initiative to start sex. And me arguing that she makes no time for sex. I think I am the LD partner but don’t think I am too much less than her. I agreed with her that we had issues around sex and tried to make things more interesting. We bought sex toys and sexy/flirty bedwear for her but they soon found their way into the cupboard. We talked around the subject but not THROUGH it. Also, as our QT together was so limited there was/is no time for sex Monday to Friday – W gets up at 6:00am and works all day then sorts out kids and finally rests in the evening after 8 then goes to bed at 10. Often I work away for one two or even 4 nights in the midweek. If I am at home she is too tired in the evening for sex and wants to sleep as much as possible in the morning. The weekends have a window of opportunity on Saturday Morning but I think she finds it too predictable and jumps out of bed and heads to the gym. Sunday mornings can be the same. For the last 4 months or so things have headed downhill. She withdrew more and more physically from me so that she wouldn’t let me touch her – no spooning, no holding hands even; she gave reluctant hugs; no kissing except hello/goodbye. We have had sex 3 times in the last 4 months each time initiated by her . I felt I was walking on eggshells and having been rejected from even touching her, I felt I couldn’t initiate sex! I avoided confronting her as I thought she would say she wanted us to separate and there was no going back this time. I realise now that this was the wrong thing to do and I should have confronted our problms months ago. Finally it reached a point where I said we needed to talk about our R. She avoided it for 2 weeks and then after a late night with a divorced (last 2 years) female friend of hers finally agreed to talk. She said ‘the spark has gone’ ‘ no chemistry’ ‘she loves me but there is no passion, no connection’. The good news was she didn’t mention separation or divorce but said ‘if it wasn’t for the kids we would be divorced by now’ I complained of the lack of Quality time and after several days she agreed that we needed more QT together and arranged a couple of days with the kids (walking in the countryside and a trip to the movies) and one night out with me.We also agreed to go to London for a weekend away....just the two of us - in early December. The night out went ok but it felt tense and slightly awkward. Conversation was ok but it didnt flow like when we first met.
Our main problems are poor communication; lack of intimacy; no Quality time together and a SSM. All 4 are interlinked and surrounded by poor comms and mainly due to lack of QT. Her main love language is Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation - I tell heer a lot how good she looks but need to say more about how she is a great mother and worker Mine is Quality Time and Words of Affirmation Basically she is not talking my LL and I haven’t addressed hers - WE AREN’T TALKING EACH OTHERS LANGUAGE ONLY COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LACK OF OUR OWN LL – This has led to the disconnection.
So what do I do now?? I am physically fit (half mararthon runner 154 pounds, and now toning my upper body - which has been noticed by W ). I also GAL having lots of friends through the running club and cycling club. I have also addressed a few minor points of complaint by W - helping out more around the house (BTW I mainly do the food shopping and clothes washing) and keeping my appearance tidier - regular shaving/cologne etc/ buying new underwear/buying a few new clothes.
I am trying not to pursue her and have stopped saying ILU. I am torn between trying to speak her LL – physical touch via massage – she loves a foot rub/ shoulder massage or confronting her with: "I am willing to do my part (and have been, these last few months), but YOU have to do your part too, or this marriage is through." – taken from SSM thread I have purchased the Sex-Starved Marriage book and hope to read it this weekend.
Things are a lot better than 3 years ago – she still gives me occasional hugs, kisses goodbye, she still wears her wedding ring, allows me to do shoulder massage/foot rubs, signs off a text message with x BUT She has switched off from me physically and I just want to switch her back on and get her to work with me.
I have thought through a complete plan to remedy our SSM as soon as she says she is willing to work on R. I am working on the parts that dont involve Sex NOW.
I know I need patience but am scared if I dont act NOW we will further disconnect leading to a 'I think we should separate' BOMB
Me49 W45 T15 M13 S11 S8 BD 11/15/11 & 3/27/12 Moved out 4/9/12 Moved back 4/23/12 W working on US 5/20/12 Now Piecing! May-Oct14 drifting Dec 14 W agrees to more QT BD Oct15 ILYBINILWY W filed 1/25/16
...I felt I was walking on eggshells and having been rejected from even touching her, I felt I couldn’t initiate sex!
..I complained of the lack of Quality time ...We also agreed to go to London for a weekend away....just the two of us - in early December. The night out went ok but it felt tense and slightly awkward. Conversation was ok but it didnt flow like when we first met.
- I tell heer a lot how good she looks but need to say more about how she is a great mother and worker
..Basically she is not talking my LL and I haven’t addressed hers - WE AREN’T TALKING EACH OTHERS LANGUAGE ONLY COMPLAINING ABOUT THE LACK OF OUR OWN LL – This has led to the disconnection.
So what do I do now?? I am physically fit (half mararthon runner 154 pounds, and now toning my upper body - which has been noticed by W ). I also GAL having lots of friends through the running club and cycling club. I have also addressed a few minor points of complaint by W - helping out more around the house (BTW I mainly do the food shopping and clothes washing) and keeping my appearance tidier - regular shaving/cologne etc/ buying new underwear/buying a few new clothes.
I am trying not to pursue her and have stopped saying ILU. I am torn between trying to speak her LL – physical touch via massage – she loves a foot rub/ shoulder massage or confronting her with: "I am willing to do my part (and have been, these last few months), but YOU have to do your part too, or this marriage is through." – taken from SSM thread I have purchased the Sex-Starved Marriage book and hope to read it this weekend.
Things are a lot better than 3 years ago – she still gives me occasional hugs, kisses goodbye, she still wears her wedding ring, allows me to do shoulder massage/foot rubs, signs off a text message with x BUT She has switched off from me physically and I just want to switch her back on and get her to work with me.
I have thought through a complete plan to remedy our SSM as soon as she says she is willing to work on R. I am working on the parts that dont involve Sex NOW.
I know I need patience but am scared if I dont act NOW we will further disconnect leading to a 'I think we should separate' BOMB
First, don't over think things.
You seem to understand Chapmans 5LL's very well and how they fit into a good marriage. Absolutely read SSM! It is great! If you can get your W to read it as well and compare notes.
I hate to say this but your discussion on shaving, cologne, underwear screams to me of Nice Guy covert contracts to buy her affection. One of the hardest lessons I learned was in giving unconditional love (think of your dog if you have one). Your wife needs your unconditional love, not covert contracts. You need to let go over the tit for tat exchange and just focus on giving.
You know how to DB and you understand the importance of GAL and LL's which is great. Yes, keep up communicating to her in her LL's so they are unconditional gifts to her that she counts on. You probably don't have a communication problem, as you know exactly what each other wants, how to give it to each other, what the other would say and how to respond, so there is no need to verablize what you truly know.
The second book I would recommend is Gottmans Science of Love and marriage. But first SSM by MWD.
It will take time. Your trip sounds great and while it may not have been as wonderful as you wanted, it wasn't a disaster. Good luck to you it will improve.
). I also GAL having lots of friends through the running club and cycling club. I have also addressed a few minor points of complaint by W - helping out more around the house (BTW I mainly do the food shopping and clothes washing) and keeping my appearance tidier - regular shaving/cologne etc/ buying new underwear/buying a few new clothes.