People have asked me how I got from feeling as if I was not worthy to even be alive at times to where I am now. It was a long, difficult, amazing process. It took a lot of hard work, therapy and reflection and some very special people on here to get me through all this.
I have talked about how I came to grab hold of those feelings. I believed it with everything I had. I didn’t measure up. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t have what it takes. I didn’t belong. I held onto those feelings like a warm blanket. It was what I knew for sure. It became my comfort zone. I mean, if my mother and h believed that, well, then it must be true.
Soon I acted how they saw me. I drew inside myself. I didn’t challenge myself. I accepted whatever life threw at me. When BD happened, I didn’t think I would make it through it. How could I? Look at me. No fight left. No confidence. No feelings of worth. I was so small, I was almost invisible. I thought I deserved everything that was happening.
I had to dig deep to understand that I was not a bad person. I knew that I had good qualities and I tried really hard to see them every chance I got.
I knew that I wanted to change. I just didnt know how. I finally got that I couldn’t keep putting the focus on my h. I knew that I had to save me first.
I figured out that underneath it all was just this scared little girl who wanted to be loved. She had flaws, like everyone else and that was ok. So, I forgave my mother and my xh. I forgave the little girl who never felt lovable. It wasnt until I forgave myself that I really healed.
It allowed me to see that I was a good person who lost her way some. So, I took the things my h had said and I looked to see if they were valid. Some were, some werent. The ones that were not, I threw away.
Then, I looked at people I admired and figured out what qualities and characteristics they had.
I tried to be the person I wanted to be every day. Some days I made it, some I didnt, but that was always the goal.
Each day I told myself, today I am going to love me. I realized that I was a good wife. I was loyal and loving. I always had his back. But that doesnt mean I didnt make mistakes. It doesnt mean that I couldnt have done better.
It also doesnt mean that I deserved what he did. I didnt. But, those were his feelings and so they were valid to him.
Something tugged at me way in the back of my mind. I had strength. I had overcome some really horrible things. So, I had to figure out how to harness the strength I knew was in me.I got my plan together. Determined how I was going to act and summoned up the courage I knew I was going to need.
I have talked about my mirrors. I knew that if I was going to go on this journey, I had to get different ones. I tried to figure out how to do that. What had been reflected back to me before was pretty powerful.
I knew it wasn’t going to happen all at once. I started thinking about who I was inside. I looked at it with a beginners mind. Were my mother and h right? What makes someone worthy? In my mind it was how they lived their lives. Did they have strength? Did they act with honor? Did they try to do the right thing? Was their moral compass intact?
So, I thought about me some more and when I answered those questions, I was amazed at the answers. I looked back at who I was before I came to really believe their words. I looked at all the things I had made it through.
When I was feeling stronger, I began to act differently. I watched people around me. They enjoyed my company. I made them smile. They sought me out.
I looked at my son who loved me beyond measure. I watched my nephew’s face fill with love as he crawled into my lap. I heard the catch in my sister’s voice when she thanked me for always being there for her. I remembered how proud my dad was of me.
I began to really hear what people said about me and my confidence grew.
I then realized I had to look at why I believed the worst about me. I thought about my mother and her horrendous childhood. I thought about how my xh felt about himself. How badly it must have been to put down his wife in order to feel better. These were two truly broken people that I was listening to and they were wrong. So, I worked at silencing their voices.
I finally understood that while my mirrors were important, the only person who can really determine my worth…..was me. If I was going to be able to do that, I had to look long and hard at whom I was. When I did, I saw someone I liked. Someone kind and funny and strong and loyal. Someone who was there for the people in her life. Someone who did the best she could, who tried her hardest and acted with strength and honor and courage. Someone who was worthy and enough.
We all could have taken the easier path. Cut our losses and run as so many do. We could have chosen not to look inside and been on our way. It shows the depth of your character, the strength of your convictions, your heart and your courage that you didn’t do that. You are made of special stuff. You just have to look inside and see it. It’s right there.
Great post UR! It took me time to find myself as well. Lots of past hurts kept keeping me in a state of constant anger and then saw that I had a problem and as I forgave myself and others the anger I always felt melted away.
My kids truly loved me when nobody else did and I saw that my happiness was always increased 10 fold while with them. My happiness finally led me back to God and now is where I've put my trust and life is better every day.
The cut losses and run was my mentality long ago and yes people choose that path. It seems giving up is now the socially accepted norm that they aspire towards. But I have to say with people like you, Mach, Cadet, PM, and others a bunch of us have better lives! I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I see God's blessing in y'all patience, time, and true help that comes from everyone's perspective and experiences.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Ur, I seem to have trouble putting my road in to words out there. That is so very true of me, I felt absolutely invisible at and before bd.
In h words were often, look at your self you are so disgusting no one even wants you as a friend you will always be alone. He must have said that 10 x even after I lost 10kg.
By the last time I felt extreme pity for the ow, and what she has to look forward to. I suspect he did the same abuse to w1 as he did to me, outwardly he has not changed.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Your mirror analogy has helped me so many times. Thanks for reminding me, again, on how important it is for us to be self-advocates throughout this journey. :-)
You are da bomb.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
good post - you're a special person. I cannot imagine someone picking on you. like, what's not to like?
how very true - seeing oneself as reflected by others. It doese seep into your pores and it does affect ya. It's the constancy and damage over time. i'm glad i never felt it (or it never registered) as a kid. it's hard enough as an adult; i think of poor kids who get negative feedback alot- geeeeeezzzzz.
I never felt like a rotten person. I felt hurt by criticism. I did, and still do, expect too much of my self. like some impossible bar up there in life - and i can always (and SHOULD) "DO A BIT BETTER". I make myself tired. maybe it was so easy for them to glom onto that- my expectation of self. they could easily make me feel like i was not being & doing all i should? guilt, guilt, guilt .... idk- old old news huh?
BUT THEN - i wonder, if that expectation of self to rise above, do a bit better, listen when you feel like running, be nice when it's not easy, etc - is conscience and makes us human? is it the thing that makes us a "good person". If we just stopped expecting more and only took care of our own needs all the time- wouldn't we just be selfish and self-centered and not very nice people? idk - i get tangled up here. if we stop expecting better of ourselves - maybe we wouldn't be who we are and should be?
with my h and mother too, two peas in a pod - personality wise. wiseguys, hardguys, "don't need nobody" guys, etc.
oh well- don't even feel like expending the energy to psycho-analyze this junk-
good stuff - have a wonderful day-
ya hold out hope & positive-ism- and that's p5riceless. xxoo
Thanks Nero. My mom and xh were badly broken. So, they were projecting on me what they felt about themselves. I wish I could say that it didnt affect me profoundly, because it did. But this journey allowed me to work through it and I am thankful each day for it.
I think we can all say we are hurt by criticism. I try really hard to understand where it is coming from and that allows me to take it less personally.
If someone isnt happy with something about me...that is more a reflection on them than on me, I think. They had some preconceived expectation. I am still me, regardless.
I try to be the person I want to be every day and live my life in the best way I know how. I try to be a good person..loving, loyal, open and kind. Could I do better on some days? Yep. Am I a bad person if I dont? I dont think so.
I think the problem lies in trying to live up to someone elses expectations of us. I get to decide my worth.
I am still a work in progress. Always will be, I believe.
Thanks for stopping by, my friend. Always love to hear your thoughts.
That's good stuff, uR. Made me think a little about xh feelings. They are his. That's right. I will accept it and move along. That is part of this process....
What an amazing and inspirational journey you have been on. And to help others the way you do. I dig it.
Amazing post. I'm bookmarking it for future reference. I am looking forward to one day being able to say the same things for myself. Thank you so much for sharing this.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
you're cute - you sure wouldn't "love to hear my thoughts" lately- black black black
FRUSTRATION abounds. oh well huh? this business of living with your decisions and outcomes - well, it's a pain. read a thing this morning saying let go of "outcome" notion - just do best as go along. workin on that today. just today - this minute.this "standing" business - i wonder now at my own motivation. i wonder if my ability to love H is totally dead as a doornail - i wonder if i'll ever feel it again- i cannot remember today how it felt to feel THAT for him and to feel loved. pitiful old mess - oh well tho, not weeping in my soup and carrying on nicely, mostly. gal'ing and acting as if - so best i can do today... -
oh well- me and everyone alive huh? i'm going to go walk- shake off ratty mood. if a person was around this house- other than me, i'd have laughed a few times already today and be on better footing. i'll go visit my sister- there's always something to laugh about with anyone alive.
let me think- thinking of you while trying to get this house cleared out & up to put on market. this obligation to sell stuff and give $$ to church- it would be alot easier and quicker to just make a donation and be done with it. am trying to figure a fair $$ amount we would be likely to get if we could (in fact) sell the stuff. nobody wants to buy it- everybody wants us to pay them a giant chunk of change to take it away.
i wonder really if i could just make a donation and do as well putting it on craigs list for free?? then just hire a clear out guy if all else fails. it sure goes against the grain - being told it's all "garbage" - uh hem, excusssse me.
oh well- more crappola to deal with please.
anyway- looks like a lovely (if coldish) morning- another day of f'ing round in mom's house when i should be cleaning my own-
life seems up in air as usual- working this a.m. on capturing the sentiment that it's "the journey" not the final destination or outcome that counts.
soo- gonna do my "best" here with this stuff- not allow self to be invested in teh outcome- and that is that.
okay- i'm outta here before i get ratty
xxoo love ya man- have a wonderful day.
i hope i'm not totally , merely deluded about myself - and the sort of person i am. i'm sure glad i didn't notice if i was picked on til last decade or so. i cannot imagine the lasting effects if it's something in one's yo0uth (something huge to be grateful for - my innocence . It's just h's mlc and mom's oldest age - have taken a lasting toll on my ego i think. who ever woulda thunk?
i would tell me i'm a decent citizen th o, wouldn't I. we all do. oh well
have i found your curent thread? i just wanted to say hi and merry christmas. heading to nj tomorrow - weather has been coolisha nd nice here- interesting to think of being freezing butt off in a day or so-
nothin much going on- wrote to you in my thread - then found this-
so anyway- i'm a bore today- but a perky bore so yay and ha!
hope you and sonny are well and happy and that your christmas is nice- xxoo
