People have asked me how I got from feeling as if I was not worthy to even be alive at times to where I am now. It was a long, difficult, amazing process. It took a lot of hard work, therapy and reflection and some very special people on here to get me through all this.
I have talked about how I came to grab hold of those feelings. I believed it with everything I had. I didn’t measure up. I wasn’t good enough. I didn’t have what it takes. I didn’t belong. I held onto those feelings like a warm blanket. It was what I knew for sure. It became my comfort zone. I mean, if my mother and h believed that, well, then it must be true.
Soon I acted how they saw me. I drew inside myself. I didn’t challenge myself. I accepted whatever life threw at me. When BD happened, I didn’t think I would make it through it. How could I? Look at me. No fight left. No confidence. No feelings of worth. I was so small, I was almost invisible. I thought I deserved everything that was happening.
I had to dig deep to understand that I was not a bad person. I knew that I had good qualities and I tried really hard to see them every chance I got.
I knew that I wanted to change. I just didnt know how. I finally got that I couldn’t keep putting the focus on my h. I knew that I had to save me first.
I figured out that underneath it all was just this scared little girl who wanted to be loved. She had flaws, like everyone else and that was ok. So, I forgave my mother and my xh. I forgave the little girl who never felt lovable. It wasnt until I forgave myself that I really healed.
It allowed me to see that I was a good person who lost her way some. So, I took the things my h had said and I looked to see if they were valid. Some were, some werent. The ones that were not, I threw away.
Then, I looked at people I admired and figured out what qualities and characteristics they had.
I tried to be the person I wanted to be every day. Some days I made it, some I didnt, but that was always the goal.
Each day I told myself, today I am going to love me. I realized that I was a good wife. I was loyal and loving. I always had his back. But that doesnt mean I didnt make mistakes. It doesnt mean that I couldnt have done better.
It also doesnt mean that I deserved what he did. I didnt. But, those were his feelings and so they were valid to him.
Something tugged at me way in the back of my mind. I had strength. I had overcome some really horrible things. So, I had to figure out how to harness the strength I knew was in me.I got my plan together. Determined how I was going to act and summoned up the courage I knew I was going to need.
I have talked about my mirrors. I knew that if I was going to go on this journey, I had to get different ones. I tried to figure out how to do that. What had been reflected back to me before was pretty powerful.
I knew it wasn’t going to happen all at once. I started thinking about who I was inside. I looked at it with a beginners mind. Were my mother and h right? What makes someone worthy? In my mind it was how they lived their lives. Did they have strength? Did they act with honor? Did they try to do the right thing? Was their moral compass intact?
So, I thought about me some more and when I answered those questions, I was amazed at the answers. I looked back at who I was before I came to really believe their words. I looked at all the things I had made it through.
When I was feeling stronger, I began to act differently. I watched people around me. They enjoyed my company. I made them smile. They sought me out.
I looked at my son who loved me beyond measure. I watched my nephew’s face fill with love as he crawled into my lap. I heard the catch in my sister’s voice when she thanked me for always being there for her. I remembered how proud my dad was of me.
I began to really hear what people said about me and my confidence grew.
I then realized I had to look at why I believed the worst about me. I thought about my mother and her horrendous childhood. I thought about how my xh felt about himself. How badly it must have been to put down his wife in order to feel better. These were two truly broken people that I was listening to and they were wrong. So, I worked at silencing their voices.
I finally understood that while my mirrors were important, the only person who can really determine my worth…..was me. If I was going to be able to do that, I had to look long and hard at whom I was. When I did, I saw someone I liked. Someone kind and funny and strong and loyal. Someone who was there for the people in her life. Someone who did the best she could, who tried her hardest and acted with strength and honor and courage. Someone who was worthy and enough.
We all could have taken the easier path. Cut our losses and run as so many do. We could have chosen not to look inside and been on our way. It shows the depth of your character, the strength of your convictions, your heart and your courage that you didn’t do that. You are made of special stuff. You just have to look inside and see it. It’s right there.
Great post UR! It took me time to find myself as well. Lots of past hurts kept keeping me in a state of constant anger and then saw that I had a problem and as I forgave myself and others the anger I always felt melted away.
My kids truly loved me when nobody else did and I saw that my happiness was always increased 10 fold while with them. My happiness finally led me back to God and now is where I've put my trust and life is better every day.
The cut losses and run was my mentality long ago and yes people choose that path. It seems giving up is now the socially accepted norm that they aspire towards. But I have to say with people like you, Mach, Cadet, PM, and others a bunch of us have better lives! I say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I see God's blessing in y'all patience, time, and true help that comes from everyone's perspective and experiences.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Ur, I seem to have trouble putting my road in to words out there. That is so very true of me, I felt absolutely invisible at and before bd.
In h words were often, look at your self you are so disgusting no one even wants you as a friend you will always be alone. He must have said that 10 x even after I lost 10kg.
By the last time I felt extreme pity for the ow, and what she has to look forward to. I suspect he did the same abuse to w1 as he did to me, outwardly he has not changed.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Your mirror analogy has helped me so many times. Thanks for reminding me, again, on how important it is for us to be self-advocates throughout this journey. :-)
You are da bomb.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
