Not unassailable to a relationship but she is performing Acts of Service and Gifts for him. Still don't know his involvement in it, but she IS pursuing him.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
You do not give your wife money so she can engage in activities designed to destroy your family. This would be not only be counterproductive to your ultimate goal it would only enable terrible behavior. No good will come from it.
If she wants to play pool, she can find the money. If she wants to go to out dancing with her friends, she can find the money. These are her choices not her necessities.
On another note, how are you doing? Your life got very hard very quickly. Are you talking to your sponsor or just internalizing all of this?
I talk to my sponsor every day, but sometimes I barely hold it together it seems like. I'm probably internalizing more than I should.
You know, my wife left then 2 weeks later the transmission in her car blows up, the following week the starter & battery in my truck fail then a tire explodes. 2 weeks after that the axel on my work trailer comes apart. 4 weeks later the engine on my truck blows. While I'm in a rental my wife starts courting a new guy. My grandmother has fallen 3 times since Aug and she's not doing well. The weeks before my wife left I discoverd I have some liver issues (very minor) and some pancreatic issues, related I'm sure in part to my extensive drinking career and the poor diet I had in the past. I'm scared to death of the future of my marriage and my family. On top of that I am starting to see all the parts of my life where I have not been a very good person. And the icing on the cake is my wife is living happy and care free, going where she wants, doing what she wants, being with who she wants and is planning a big party with all her "girlfriends" like she's back in freaking high school.
Sorry her family is such a damn hindrance to her
Some days I feel like I'm holding on by a thread. and this too shall pass. God has been here for me, and honestly I probably don't deserve much more than I am getting right now.
Thank you for asking Hope, because you give me hope.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I meant, is your intel solid (key logger, VAR, etc).
I have no way of having any good intel at all. FB from someone else that is friends with her is the only access I have, sadly.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, please know that you deserve a lot better than what you are getting.
What is happening to you is not a punishment. It is a tragedy.
There will be things that will happen in our life which we have no control over and this will be frustrating. Life is a conglomerate of experiences that build who we are. Some experiences will be good, some will be bad, and some will be neutral.
I am so sorry the bad is happening to you right now in such waves. This is the time you need to reach out to people and ask for help. You will be surprised to find out how many people love you and want to be there for you.
Does it replace the yearning you feel for your wife?
No.
But it will remind you that you are loved and valued.
And when we are in stress we need to be reminded that we are loved and valued.
Jefe, stop digging for intel. It's not productive. As a musician you have a fertile imagination - good for music but bad for being a LBS. It keeps you up at night - not good. Learn some thought stopping techniques and whenever a thought of your W with OM1 or OM2 (reminds me of Dr Suess Thing1 & Thing2) enters your head, recognize it and picture a stop sign and stop that thought - think about something else. It takes practice but I've gotten a lot better at it. It's easier if you don't go looking for intel. That just focuses your mind on the wrong subject matter.
Focus on areas of your life that are not in turmoil.
As for your grandma, she needs a falls assessment done as well as a good analysis of her home to minimize the risk of falls. There's lots of good stuff on the internet about that - Morse Falls Scale for one. Falls with seniors is serious business. Focus on that.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
Peter, I know your right. That still small voice told me not to yesterday. It said over and over, don't do it, don't do it.
Good evening, Hope. I am better tonight. Sorry for the stress out. I have been doing some reflecting about the relationship and and have noticed a few things, but I have a couple of questions for you first.
Thing one. How did you know this is playing out just like 8 years ago? I mean I can clearly see it now, today, but I lived it the first time all you have is just an extremely over generalized, one sided synopsis of it. We have had many instances over the years, but this one is different. It is emotionally playing out almost exactly like before we were married.
Thing two. What if I chose door number 1? "Om my gosh, she's asking me to carry out her threats."
I'll post my observations after your answer.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Are you asking what I think is likely to happen if you call your wife’s bluff and file for divorce?
The honest answer is, “I don’t know.”
But I caution people never to engage in an action with the hope of getting a response from someone else. It is manipulative and this strategy is almost 100% guaranteed to backfire. The damage done by this kind of behavior causes a repairable relationship to be completely destroyed.
One of the reasons marriages crumble so quickly when the word Divorce is spoken is because a bond of trust, which is the foundation of marriage, is broken once that word is used. You have removed your spouse from a promised lifetime partnership, which was unconditional, and suddenly set perimeters on their value in your life.
This has an immediately physiological effect on your spouse and takes away their ability to feel secure. Once a person’s security is threatened it changes them.
I want you to carefully consider any action you take against your wife.
Before you do anything I strongly urge you to analyze how the actions she took against you made you feel. Yes, you felt hurt. Yes you felt bewildered. Yes you felt unsettled.
But you also felt other things. You felt resentment. You felt anger. You felt betrayed.
She will feel these things also.
Can there be reconciliation when both spouses feel this way? Yes. But it is difficult. There has to be a genuine desire on the part of both spouses to heal the marriage...and this is difficult when both have been deeply wounded because both spouses are playing "gotcha."
Do you believe your wife will forgive you for hurting her? Do you believe she will fight for your marriage?
I always tell people--when you engage in a negative act do so with the worst case scenario in mind. It is the most honest assessment of what the future probably holds.
When people hurt us there is a strong urge to attack back.
If we dislike them hitting back makes us feel better. If we love them we believe hitting back will help them see they hurt us.
In reality the only thing hitting back does is cause bruises. So if your intention is to cause bruises…hit back. You will cause a bruise. But you will probably not obtain a result.
