Bug - so sorry to hear about the struggles with your son.
It's good that you recognize how you and your H approach and react differently to challenging situations - awareness is the first step, right?
It also doesn't help that your H has his plate full right now. C together sounds like a great option.
You are amazing, Bug. I know you will find a smoother way to navigate these choppy waters (and learn some for the next round of waves).
xoxo
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Bug - so sorry to hear about the struggles with your son.
It's good that you recognize how you and your H approach and react differently to challenging situations - awareness is the first step, right?
It also doesn't help that your H has his plate full right now. C together sounds like a great option.
You are amazing, Bug. I know you will find a smoother way to navigate these choppy waters (and learn some for the next round of waves).
xoxo
Hey friend, I see some changes in your sig info. ((( )))
Hope you are well. Your baby is 3, WOW!
It's true, there's always a next round of waves. Is the secret to just dive in head first?
I cant fix S21 anymore than I can fix anyone else. I know many other parents have been here before me. Let go, let go, let go. Maybe everything I've gone through up to now was to prepare me for this.
This too shall pass. Thanks for the encouraging words.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
There's a been a lot of weather of late. Thanks for reminding me and the reminder to breathe. I got to my IC appt this morning and spent a few moments before going in doing just that.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Just wanted to stop by, say hi and wish you a Merry Christmas with your boys and your H.
I still keep come back just to read and always look for your posts - I learn so much from you, my dear friend.
When I grow up, I want to be like you. Still a looong way to go, though.
xoxo
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Things are going well in my sitch, thanks to these forums and the DB'ing ways, along with a lot of growth. Thank you for asking. How are you? I've been catching up on the boards. Hope you had a Merry Christmas.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
I thought I'd do a post at year's end as it's been just over a year since H and I reconciled.
One thing I've learned, reconciliation isn't an end point, it's just another beginning. And it's completely new territory. The skills I picked up here and elsewhere get put to the test often. Sometimes I rise to the occasion, sometimes I don't.
I'm OK with that as long as I learn something from it. I'm also much freer with apologies these days and forgiveness. We all eff up and it's not the end of the world. In my black/white mind I always thought, "That's it, if he loved he would or wouldn't..." I then reacted to that story and resented and hurt and tried to hurt back.
I have more honest perspective about me. I've learned to slow down and I realize that everything doesn't need to be settled, right here, right now. If something bugs me I take some time to figure out what it is that is really bugging me, the I work on what to do about it. Believe it or not, many times I don't need to do anything about it.
I fell off the wagon, so to speak, a bit this month. We have 2 birthdays in Dec and then all the holiday stuff. S25 was here for 10 days with his girlfriend. So a lot going on and most of it good but that doesn't mean it's not a stressful. I let my victim move in for awhile. On Sunday I suggested to H that we go to a movie and when he didn't jump up and respond with "Yes, let's! That's the best idea I've ever heard, love of my life!" I didn't take it well at all. He's never responded to anything in life like that but that didn't stop me from being p!ssed and going to that "If you really loved me..." place. I also had thoughts of, "when you weren't here, things were so much easier. I didn't have to worry about anyone but me." See how that black/white thing causes trouble.
But, I knew I needed to just slow down and feel. I was angry, I was hurt and I could see resentment right around the corner. (Meditation folks, meditation can do wonders.) Luckily I had an IC appt on Monday and I was able to say 'here's where I am and I don't want to get stuck here.' In DB we learn that for the other person to change, we have to change. I wasn't so much inviting him to a movie as I was stating an expectation.
Life is full of little moments like that. Piecing is work. It's not terrible but it is work. It's so easy to fall into old patterns of relating. New shoes are shiny and pretty but sometimes they hurt our feet.
I'm learning more about taking care of me and not expecting others to do it for me. I'm taking more time off work.(I have lots of PTO built up). I'm going to a 6 day meditation/educational retreat the end of this month. It's for me but will also give me tools to help the folks I work with. It may even lead to a new sideline for me.
I'm thinking about doing an art workshop in June. It's $$$ and money is a trigger for me, so this is going to take some wrestling, my not good enough self vs my good enough self.
I read an article about anxiety yesterday and it was a good reminder of how far I've come. This was me: As I grew up, school filled me with constant stress and if I wasn’t doing well or maintaining my GPA, it was the end of the world. Perfectionism is something that comes with anxiety; always doing well and being successful is vital in life.
Showing up on time was completely vital in every situation and the chance of me ever being late to practice or class or games was slim to none. I was always the first to everything. We need that becomes sometimes we forget. We should celebrate the positives.
I'm still usually early but that's not a bad thing, it's the stressing about it that's bad.
So it's been a good year overall. Did reconciling make my hear fabulous and perfect? No. Am I happy that we reconciled? Yes but life is still life. As I like to say, some days are diamonds, some days are coal. You do what you gotta do and don't worry about tomorrow. We take care of that one when it gets here.
I think New Year's Day is my favorite holiday, out with the old, in with the new.
Happy New Year!
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Thanks for reminding me and the reminder to breathe. I got to my IC appt this morning and spent a few moments before going in doing just that.
On Sunday I suggested to H that we go to a movie and when he didn't jump up and respond with "Yes, let's! That's the best idea I've ever heard, love of my life!" I didn't take it well at all. He's never responded to anything in life like that but that didn't stop me from being p!ssed and going to that "If you really loved me..." place. I also had thoughts of, "when you weren't here, things were so much easier. I didn't have to worry about anyone but me." See how that black/white thing causes trouble.