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#2503558 11/03/14 04:37 PM
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I am looking to get some advice and help on what to do about my Marriage that is failing and seems there is nothing i can do about it right now.

The background i met my wife back in High school I was actually dating one of her friends. As soon as I saw her I knew there was something special about her. We became fast friends over the remainder of our high school years. We had a falling out when we went to college but she found me through a social media site sometime after she came back from college. I had already been broken up with her friend that she actually had not talked to in years either for other reasons. We met up and the spark ignited really fast. I tried to take it slow to ensure I was not a rebound since she mentioned that she had just got out of a bad relationship. It took some time for me to help build her back up and give her a back bone again and realize that her opinion matter both in fights/disagreements. We continued to grow and fall in love. We moved in together after about 1 ½ or 2 years together. New fights started but I figured that was due to living with a new person (Growing Pains) After another 2 years I decided I wanted to marry her things were not always the greatest but it’s how you get through your issues that defines you is the way I was raised. We were engaged for about 1.5years so she could plan the wedding. We got married had a great honey moon and after 4 months well… She is back at her parents and not talking to me. I did not realize a lot of what was going on over the years I started to recently and we had talks but neither of us took any action to remedy the situation.
The situation from my stand point. We have not always treated each other the best and often took stress from anything out on each other. We never made time for US we would watch TV together but that is not grown that is just being together. We have both suggest eat at the table and do here and there but not enough. She likes to plan things every weekend and has since we got married 4 months ago after the honeymoon she has had something planned every weekend and we have not made time for ourselves. There is time at night but I work long hours and I am usually burnt out. Another thing over the course of time I have not always spoke to her the best both alone and around friends I have found and been able to catch it that I am often derogative and talking down to her which I know is not right but I never knew why until these past 2 weeks she has been gone. We have had a lot of tension recently addressed it but done nothing to fix it. I have found the littlest thing she does just gets me angry for stupid reasons. We were not clicking recently and it didn’t feel good. She is the love of my life and it hurts that we were not trying to make things work. Everything came to a boiling point about 2 weeks ago. We were drinking very heavily after a wedding I already was not in a good mood from how she was acting most of the day in a standoffish manner at her friend’s wedding whom which I did not know 1 person. All the depression from the being at a stale point in our relationship and stress and everything else to mix it with drinking. We had also quit smoking about 1-2 weeks before. She come up to the hotel room after sneaking a smoke I flipped when I found out since I was already almost at the point. She started yelling to. I actually cannot remember what she was saying to me and I was just saying hurtful things to her. We both blew up and when she got in my face I pushed her away and she ran to a friend’s room. Yes the push was not right but no injuries and I just didn’t want her in my face. Either way we drove home the next day together didn’t say too much about the night before. We got home and we just recovering when we got a phone call from her Mom telling her she needed to come home because her friend called her mom and said she was afraid for her because of the language that was used and the shove. So she listened and went. We spoke about a week later and the only thing she could say was she wanted a divorce and could not do this anymore and did not want to try. She also stated that she was no longer in love with me. I mentioned to her that the divorce thought was not rational and there was too much emotion going on to make a decision like that. I just ignored the she was no longer in love with me since you do not fall out of being in love with someone that fast. She continues to come by when I am there or not and get clothing and what not but that’s about it.
I have realized that I have demons to face and have sought out help and been able to realize where my anger and resentment towards her comes from. I know I have insecurities that I have taken out on her in the way I have spoken to her. I also have resentment towards her since she still seems to put her family before me and brush my family off like they are not hers as well. I was able to express some of this when I spoke to her and mentioned that I am working on fighting off my demons and she just said no one changes in a week. I agreed with that but you cannot see the change happening if you won’t try or come home I thought. My fear is that we will get a divorce without trying to fix things she seems to just be running to the quickest escape to avoid the confrontation. The issue is she has a very unhealthy relationship with her family and the support system she is around right now is very judgmental and negative. They will put her on the pedestal and find no wrong in her actions or tell her to quit being a baby and go home to your husband. I feel that they will pressure her into a divorce without thinking about the consequences. The other fear is that she has already told her friends and parents that she wants a divorce and would be afraid to change her mind and let them down if she wanted to come back.
I have tried to text her to express my love to her and mention how I felt when we first met and got married. I have brought up good times we have had but it seems she is just holding onto all the negativity and just surrounded herself with hate. I am not sure where to go from here I have friends that say fight for her text her once a day show up at her parents how tell her you miss her an love her. I have others that say give her your space which may look like I have given up. I am at a cross road and looking for advice.

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First of all, I'm sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of people to try and get your M back on track.

Okay, first things first. How old are you and your W? It sounds like the two of you are very immature when it comes to relationships. You need to read the DB and DR books right away. This will lay the groundwork for what you need to do.

How did you treat her as a whole. Be honest. Sounded like you wanted to do things your way and would swear at her and be physical. Give us specifics and be brutally honest with yourself. She didnt' "suddenly" fall out of love with you. From what you described so far, it's been going for a long time. That shove was her shove out the door.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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WE are both 30. That was the only time i was ever like that in the physical sense that has never happen before and i am currently going to counseling to find the trigger and the inner demons that brought that out. Yes a lot of the time it was what i wanted to do which i have realized and need to be more open to trying new things that perk her interests. Yes i did resort to yelling when we fight and swearing same as her. Most of the time i did start it. The past month or so leading up to that night there was a lot of hostility on both sides that was stemming from places i was not aware of until i sought help. I was not always the nicest and when something was done incorrectly around the house I would do one of 2 thing either I would talk down to her not meaning it but it just came out that way and I guess for some reason attempt to make her feel stupid. It was not my intention but it came out that way. Or the other option would be to bring something up incorrectly and immediately put her on the defense just from my wording which I didn’t mean to do either. This lead to a lot of fights and a lot of unresolved issues. I understand the shove was complete wrong and hurtful I do not have an excuse from it. However I do feel that we should still be able to talk and attempt to work things out not throw in the towel the first time everything hits the surface. I do not give up on anything most of all a commitment without at least talking it out. I have expressed my apologies to her the 2 times I have seen her since that were brief. But she even stated it was not the push/shove. It was all the broken promises between us saying we will fix things and never did. She admitted that there were problems when we got married and hoped they would get better. Now that we are married she wants to throw in the towel and not fight for a marriage. I knew were not the best recently but nothing felt that we were done a while ago. Even a month ago we were still all over each other romantically so to go to this other extreme in one month makes me feel that it is all being driven by emotions not rational thought.
I purchased the books and plan to read them I have no way of asking her to read them as she will not respond to anything. I am at an indifference do I leave her alone or continue to try and show her I still love her and want her. I fear that it could also backfire and push her further away.

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Hi, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. Usually it isn't a good idea to give the WAS the book, but each situation is unique. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004


A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.

Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
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"Most of the time i did start it."

Which is why she doesn't want to come back. I mean who would want to come back to someone like that?

"The past month or so leading up to that night there was a lot of hostility on both sides"

Sounds like they started from YOUR side. Not "both" sides.

"I was not always the nicest and when something was done incorrectly around the house I would do one of 2 thing either I would talk down to her not meaning it but it just came out that way and I guess for some reason attempt to make her feel stupid. It was not my intention but it came out that way. Or the other option would be to bring something up incorrectly and immediately put her on the defense just from my wording which I didn’t mean to do either."

Doesn't matter if you meant it or not. They hurt her and since it's been going on since the beginning of your relationship, that's why she wants out.

"This lead to a lot of fights and a lot of unresolved issues. I understand the shove was complete wrong and hurtful I do not have an excuse from it. However I do feel that we should still be able to talk and attempt to work things out not throw in the towel the first time everything hits the surface."

Do you honestly think this was the FIRST time? You pretty much admitted that it's been going on since you got together. Right now she's justified for how she feels.

Seriously, do you think that just because you "changed" in a couple of weeks, that it makes up for a lifetime of you putting her down?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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It was not a life time of putting her down i will have to say. And it was not always my side. Look i came on here for help not to be put down even more. I know my wrongs and what have done and what she has done unknowingly to hurt me as well. This has not been going on since the start of the relationship. when we got together she was torn apart by and ex all i did was try to help rebuild her. And it was both sides leading up to it all. She would play distant and constantly say her family not ours. Say she did not want to ever share families like that. I left alot out about what she has done because i do not like to talk about her behind her back. I just wanted to get a perspective from my point of view.

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Did you read what you posted? You admitted to starting many of the arguments and pushed her buttons. It's the reason why everyone is telling her to stay away from you.

That's the part of reality you need to understand. You admitted to doing all these things while in the relationship over a period of years and you just changed in the past few weeks and only because she left you. That's why she doesn't trust in your "changes". She has no guarantee that you changed for good based on your past. Get it?

It doesn't matter what she did. YOU have control over how could have acted but you chose to do so poorly. You even physically assaulted her. It doesn't matter that it was "just a push" or that you had never done it before, if a cop saw you do that, you would have been arrested. So you probably shocked alot of people who saw you do that. Think if it this way. If you were a complete stranger and saw you yelling at your W and shoving her, you would think that guy was a complete a*hole. Period.

That's the reality you're facing. The sooner you really comprehend that, the sooner you'll be able to REALLY change. Right now it's still on the superficial level.

I've seen so many others in your EXACT situation and the ones that actually saved their M's are the ones that really understood what they did and changed for the better.

But if you don't want to be one of those, and rather continue to post the finger at your W (She would play distant and constantly say her family not ours. Say she did not want to ever share families like that. I left alot out about what she has done) then the choice is up to you. You can only change you which will indirectly change her behavior.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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What Mr Bond is saying is true.

Yes your wife has some fault in all of this but that is not something YOU can control.

You only can clean up YOUR side of the street.
It may or may not save your marriage but it is the
only thing YOU have CONTROL of.

Like soneone else advises here
Make yourself into a person that only a FOOL would leave.

You are going to start making changes to YOURSELF - the 180

When I first got here it was the thing I struggled with the most.

Many of us struggle with it.

I already thought I was awesome, how could my wife NOT see that?
What I didnt realize is that I was co-dependent, enabling, and a conflict avoider and I am sure that it all played a role in almost everything in my life.

The more I have looked at people that are on forums like this one, the more I have found out that it is a basic trait of LBS's.

The LBS is the one that eventually gets to decide what happens in the relationship.
For those that have not yet gotten to decide then you have not yet gotten to eventually.


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Still here?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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