_________________________ M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 No D filed
"Faced with inevitable change, the choice was mine. I could fight until my spirit was weary, or I could release all resistance, and create something new in my changed world."
-Dean Jackson
I did not ask for this. I don't know anyone on the boards that did.
But, what matters now, is what I will do with what I have today. Right now.
My life isn't what I thought it would be.
I wonder how many people, at the end of their lives...people in their 80's, and 90's.... How many would say, "Yep. My life was exactly as I thought it would be. Everything I planned happened just as I planned."
Probably none.
So, what do I have?
Time to take inventory. Time to list what I have, what I want, what I will keep, what I want to get rid of....
Designing this life is going to get fun very soon. I have NO idea what it's go a look like.... I do know it's beautiful.
Good things are coming....I can feel it. Good, good things.
What a beautiful quote Shining! And it speaks to me deeply- my spirit is very weary and so I have surrendered the situation to God and whatever will be. Time to focus on us!
I'm so glad you are feeling better- those ruts are hard but it sounds like you moved through it quickly. That's progress.
Can't wait to hear about what beautiful things are coming up for you!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
There really is no way around it. Things change, life changes. Our dreams have to be modified.
And while this is not at all what you wanted, it is what you have. And there are two ways to deal with it. We can continue to look over our shoulder of what should have been, or we can begin to look forward to what can be.
It is a different life than you planned, but, it doesnt have to be a sad one.
Life is what it is. The beauty and the pain.
The trick is to accept all of it. In so doing, we get to experience all depths of emotions.
That is what makes us who we are. It is what makes the laughter and love so sweet and it keeps our memories alive.
You have so many wonderful things in your life - children, family, friends, a good job.
You are an amazing woman and mother. You are strong and smart and capable.
And I have no doubt that you will get through this next part with your strength, your sense of humor and your willinness to look inside.
Awesome quote Shining. I, also, really needed to hear that today. You are a wonderful example of how to deal with all this MLC stuff with dignity and grace. Looking forward to the wonderful things yet to come for you!
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
I don't even know where to begin with this next post....
IT'S LONG, I KNOW.....BEAR WITH ME....ITS A DOOZY.
As I was talking to a friend, I wondered if there is a legal limit on "plot twists" that one may have in a calendar year. If so, I am certainly maxed out.
I had a lot to process in the last few days.
Recap: Last week, H wanted a booty call, bought me a rape whistle, and got a vasectomy. All within one week. (A show of hands for everyone else that happened to? Lol.) My S18 shipped out, I won't see him until Christmas Xh was in town for 2 nights seeing S18 off.
Sunday, I received a gift I never imagined.
Resolution. Peace. It happened.
For those of you saying this: NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS. NEVER.
I was there once. I'm not anymore.
A little background:
My current H is the MLCer I write about. We have no kids together.
My xh, or H#1, is the father of my 4 kids. He was a mental terrorist. Diagnosed NPD. Controlling. Abusive. Angry. Fascination with assault weapons. Abandonment issues. He was not a good man. It was not a good marriage. We had 3 different marriage counselors over a 15 year span. Ultimately, I left. It took 3 years for me to plan and get myself as ready as I could. The fear in my kids was enough motivation for me to risk all I had just to get us out. My D went to trial. Yep. Trial. Witnesses, evidence, THAT kind of trial. All because xh contested everything. He told the mediators, child advocates, and the judge, that the kids should never see me, their mother.
We had an in-house separation, because the judge refused to issue temporary orders. She told us that 2 intelligent upper middle class adults should be able to come to an agreement. I had been removed from our bank account, which was his prior to the M, and completely cut-off financially. I had a job, but my income was not enough to sustain myself and my 4 kids without any temporary child support. I would not leave the kids. So I lived in the basement for about 2 years.
During that time, I developed an anxiety disorder, I didn't eat or sleep, my hair was falling out, I had eczema for the first time in my life, I temporarily lost hearing in my left ear, and I had 3 systemic infections at the same time.
There were many things that happened during that time that were terrifying, but I won't go into them now.
Once the trial ended, I knew the judge had 90 days to rule. I could go I to debt for 90 days. So I rented a townhouse in he school district, talked to the schools, and planned my exit while xh was at work. I picked up the kids, and surprised them with the new digs. They jumped up and down and literally cheered. I'll never forget that moment of freedom.
The judge found out, and then issued temporary orders for custody. But still no child support. It was the most difficult time I've ever endured.
I was awarded sole custody after a 2 1/2 year battle. If I ever hated anyone, it was xh.
Over time, and by choice, I let go of the anger. The kids and I had years of counseling, moved out of state, and I never bashed him to the kids.
Fast forward 7-8 years.
About one year ago, maybe more, xh (I'll call him JR) started having noticeable changes in his speech patterns, format of sentences in texts, using empathy words...etc. kids and I were confused for a long time. Actually shook our heads about some of it because it was so unlike him. After my S with current H, JR was surprisingly compassionate and understanding. Old JR would have said we all deserved it.
JR and I spent quite a bit of time with the kids this weekend. I drove him back to his hotel at 9:00pm Sunday night, and we sat in the car and talked for 3 hours.
We started by talking about S18 leaving, other S18 (twin) moving to another state in one month, and had some conversations that gave JR the opportunity to show me how his perspective has changed. There were several times throughout he talk that he did this.
Then the topic shifted onto our 15 year marriage, and why it ended.
JR apologized for everything. Also went into detail. He acknowledged it all.
He told me he woke up.
We talked about current H a little. It was mainly how H crisis effects the kids and me. JR said he is sorry the kids and I have to deal with all of this. I didn't share too much about H, but JR has known about the depression, suicide attempt, and the dynamics in the house before and after S.
I made the comment that I didn't understand how someone can want to be "not married" to me, yet reach out for the strangest reasons. Making demands, or sharing medical info.
JR said, "I am only speculating, but if I may? I think I know why, Shining. And I know, because I did that. I did all of those things to you."
My jaw dropped.
I asked JR what he meant. He said he gets it, why H does what he does. JR said he used to push me away, and then reach out, even if it was to attack me, just so I would respond. Then he could tell himself, "Ok, yep, she's still there." Even if he pi$$ed me off, he needed to know whether I would respond. Then it was ok in his mind. JR said he completely relates to H in that.
I felt it was a good time to finally ask the questions I've been wondering. And I did.
I asked him what changed, why did his perspective change, how did he look inward, and what did he learn recently.
He told me about how he was during our marriage, "I wanted to control everything. Every single thing around me. I had to make it exactly as I wanted it. If it wasn't how I thought it should be, I became angry. I would go into rage at whatever I believed was keeping that 'thing', whatever it was, from being the way I wanted it to be."
He also said, "I was so afraid of being alone, or being abandoned, that I literally held onto all the things in my life so tightly, I ended up suffocating them all. And that gave me the exact opposite result of what I wanted. Any person, gripped that hard, will just want to free themselves and get away. I did that to you, and I did that to the kids."
JR admitted he used to blame me for everything. And admits his thinking was "so wrong" back then. He said he tore me down on purpose because he couldn't let anything be his fault. All he wanted to do was to continue proving to himself and everyone else, that he was right, and I was wrong. He admitted he created stories and scenarios where he could set me up. He did this to help support his "evidence".
JR said the best thing the kids and I could have done, was move across the country. He sees the kids are thriving here, and how proud he is of me for taking such good care of them. Woah. He said because I was so strong, the kids turned their lives around. That he knows I got them away from him so they could heal. And it forced him to look at things differently.
He realizes now, that he was always trying to fix the wrong things. Meaning, everything around him, on the outside. Circumstances, situations, people, cause and effect, perceptions.... He would argue, persuade, lie, whatever it took to try to control.
He said he learned this: 100% of his emotional reactions to any given event, are 100% predetermined. His emotions are what they are, and that's how he is wired. That will not change.
BUT.... 100% of his behavioral responses to the emotions are his choice. He can CHOOSE to acknowledge his emotions, and sort through fact vs perception, and base his response accordingly.
JR used the example of being at a grocery store, and the scenario of someone happening to come up behind him, and simply "bump" him. He said his first instinct based on emotions, is to perceive that as a threat, turn around, put that person into a choke-hold, and take them to the ground. Yes, he actually said that.
What he has learned, is to pause when he feels certain things, and categorize the feeling before reacting. Then consciously decide how to reasonably respond. He said it is a daily struggle and effort to stop himself and choose differently. And the feeling never goes away completely.
People at his work have asked him why he's so different now. They commented that his old reactions to certain things, would have been so different, and they noticed he doesn't do that old stuff anymore.
He told them he finally grew up. He laughed in an uncomfortable, humble-ish manner as he said this to me.
I asked him "What made you look differently now than you did before? What changed?"
He answered me with one word, "Attrition". He said it was a gradual peeling away, a diminishing of his "righteousness". Watching other people, and how they were able to deal with the same stressors. Why was he not ok, and others were? What did they know? He said he got tired of waking up day after day, and hating everything. Especially himself.
I asked if he learned this on his own, or books, groups, therapy? He said he went to 3 different counselors asking them "I want to know what's wrong with me and what I need to do to fix it. Test me, and just give me the data."
He said each therapist looked at him like, "Oh, another one of you....great."
Then he met a counselor at his church who pretty much laughed in his face. He said that trying to "fix" what's wrong with him in that way, a is like disarming an Army tank by going through the barrel. Only one way that's gonna go, and it ain't good. The process is far more slow and complex.
First, you would have to climb the tank. Figure out how to lift the door and get inside. Then there are all the buttons and switches, and you have to figure out which one does what. And every tank is different.
Other things he mentioned....
He told me about the old days with us, and that sometimes when he was angry and attacking me, he was really yelling at his mom.
He said his church counselor asked him "What's the one thing every single one of your failed relationships all have in common? You."
He said he absolutely can not believe, when he looks back at all the things he did, that it was him. That he really did all those things. He said it was like looking at another guy doing them, not him.
I kind of tested him at one point, to see if he was just throwing himself under the bus. I asked if he thought the failure of our marriage was all his fault? He said, "I am 100% responsible for what I did. And for my part in the marriage. I can only speak for me." He didn't say it was all his fault, which made it more valid.
I apologized for my part, and that I wasn't the wife he needed. He said, "You don't understand, Shining. No one could have been the wife I thought I needed. Not one person could. Because it's not humanly possible. Don't you get it?" He said there was nothing I could have done to change him. That it wasn't me. He had to fix himself inside.
That's when I completely lost it and broke down crying.
He repeated several times, that the kids would not have done well in the state we moved from, had they stayed.
He said he owes it all to me. How strong I am. That I am a great mother and a great role model. He said he doesn't mean to sound condescending, but he is proud of me. That it makes him happy to see "the empowered and brilliant woman you have become." Those were his words...
He then lightened the mood, and said if H crisis is anything like his was, to "Give him about 3 years, and he'll figure it all out the hard way like I did." Laughing with embarrassment as he said it.
I'm still a bit numb. Shaking my head. Never. Not in a million years.
I feel a sense of calm. And an inner kind of ...smile.
Not a big, "haha, I knew you'd be sorry someday" kind of satisfaction at all. Just a peace of mind that everything worked out for the best.
I knew, even back when things were a war, that I never wanted my kids to have hatred toward their father. Even though I believed for a time that JR didn't deserve them in his life, I knew it would haunt the kids in their lives if they didn't create some kind of R.
I remember clearly, the conversation I had with JR years ago in a park, asking him to let us go and move out of state. I promised JR I would not get in the way of communications or impede his R with he kids. I reminded him that he knows me, and he knows darn well that's not how I operate. I asked him to please, let us go, give them time to heal. I promised him they would come back to him if he did this.
That's what happened. It truly happened. We all win because he let us go. And because I kept our garbage away from the kids. I wasn't perfect, I slipped up. But, I always got back on my path.
I repeat this often as a mantra, what I told the kids when they were young, that my fight is my fight. They can't have my fight. They could have their own...lol.
I told my kids that their R with their father was something they had to have, in some way, in order to heal. What that would look like was up to them. I explained it would probably not look like he R their friends had with their dads. But, there had to be a "place" for him in their hearts. And it was whatever they wanted it to be.
I tried to carry on the lesson of forgiveness that my dad taught me. It has gotten me far.
Time will tell, how true and lasting these changes are. I happen to believe they are. He really is not the same. He holds his face differently. It's hard to explain. His eyes are kind. He smiles now. He laughs at himself now. He used to get defensive and attack if anyone joked about him. Now he laughs.
He acknowledged that he is not perfect, and he slips up from time to time. He is aware of it now, and does what he can to fix things and move forward. He said he has to forgive himself and not beat himself up every time, just make efforts and learn.
APPLYING THIS TO DB PRINCIPLES: We completely detached. I put the focus on me and he kids. We GAL. He did 180s
It's amazing to see the growth of another person. It is a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Wow, Shining, that was amazing! It is such a shame that it takes so many people so long and causing themselves and the people who care most about them so much pain before they can figure things out like your Ex seems to have done. I see much of what he talked about he had done in my W. She has told me that she ended every R she was ever in until she met me. Even broke off an engagement with one guy. I have watched her lose every friend she has ever had over the years because of some perceived "slight" and she would just stop being friends with them. How she talks about needing to be "in control" of her life but never feels like she has that control. How she says "That's just how I feel and I can't do anything about that", she doesn't seem to understand that she can control her reactions to her "feelings". It's like her world is ruled by her emotions and to me, that would be a horrible way to live!
Control is an illusion at best. There are just too many variables in this life that you just can't control and how other people think and act is the biggest of them all. If only the MLCer could just be able to sort this all out without destroying so much, hurting so many. All it does is delay the process IMO. There is no reason that they couldn't do this work on themselves and at the same time keep their R's intact. It's like they fight until there is no one left to fight but them self and until that time, they just can't face that what is "wrong" is inside. It cost your ex so much, his R with his kids being the biggest thing of all. He now understands that he can never get that back, all that he missed out on.
He is so right about how you stepped up for your kids. You were there for them, protected them the best you could and gave them the safety and security that that needed so badly. It doesn't seem fair that you now have to deal with much of the same from current H. He is so right that you should be proud of the woman you have become. You really are a hero!
That's what happened. It truly happened. We all win because he let us go. And because I kept our garbage away from the kids. I wasn't perfect, I slipped up. But, I always got back on my path.
I repeat this often as a mantra, what I told the kids when they were young, that my fight is my fight. They can't have my fight. They could have their own...lol.
I told my kids that their R with their father was something they had to have, in some way, in order to heal. What that would look like was up to them. I explained it would probably not look like he R their friends had with their dads. But, there had to be a "place" for him in their hearts. And it was whatever they wanted it to be.
I needed to hear this. I'm going to use this. Thanks again Shining :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you, Heather, and Matt I debated about posting smaller chunks. I don't like reading (or writing) long ones, myself.... (OK, I know, I write long, wordy sentences that I feel need to have no less than three adjectives describing each word or no one will understand exactly what I'm saying. I love words. I'm keeping that part about me because I like it.) I DIGRESS LOL. Anyway, for this one, I really wanted to keep it all together as one post. Thank you for your patience in reading the novel.
Heather, I actually thought of you and Smokey as I wrote it. Matt, Mighty, bea and a few others here with "mean ones", too. Of course, every situation is different. Every person is different. There are no guarantees that anyone else's H or W will grow like this. Even my current H. No one knows.
It does give me hope, that the seemingly impossible is always possible, when the desire is there. It had to be his desire.
If you met him before, I am certain, you would not have ever thought he was capable. And that's how I feel about my H. This gives me hope, that even if I don't believe it now, anything can happen.
I know what you mean - one of the things that is hard is that while we need to own our mistakes in the marriage, being married to someone who has real unacknowledged issues is difficult. We know that whatever we have done or not done, that something else is going on. Hard to communicate that to many people who see it as simply a breakdown in the marriage, and not a breakdown of a person.
I have not hidden from my children that I have been hurt by all of this (they are adults) but also urged them to remain open to the possibility of a relationship with their father. Right now it doesn't seem an option, sadly, as he is deep in blame mode, but I remind them what a great father he was for many years, (until the MLC monster overtook him), and not to close the door totally.
I would love for him to rebuild his relationship with his children.
I am so happy for you that you have been given this great gift, and for the part that you have played in it. You are an amazing woman.
I am very happy to read that you've finally gotten some answers and he was able to actually sit down and talk to you about his "journey". You now have a better understanding of what was going on w/him.
I hope and pray that this is the key that opens the door for more communication/interaction for both of you, as well as the children.
It definitely is a gift that has revealed a lot to you in a short span of time. You are done a great job. Keep up the good work.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow, Shining! What an amazing turnaround! And good for him for being willing to share it with you, not all have the willingness to do that part too.
You have clearly done an amazing job with your kids and it shows. I imagine it must have been so hard to make the choices you did back then but you are seeing the amazing results now. I pray I have the strength to do the same with my kids in our future.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
It's great to hear that JR was able to tell you what he was going through and that it gives you a little insight into current H. Keep doing what you're doing. Even current H will see it, just not sure when!
Hope all is well with you and your family. Prayers to your S18 who has just left to serve our wonderful country. You truly have something beautiful coming your way
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I read your story.... nothing past that. I am in shock. There is a connection here, with you and me...
You said it before... my xh reminds you of yours. Wow. You just don't know how much I was just.... in shock or something.
Not that my xh has come to the realization that JR has or same out come or anything.... but what a similar life we have lived.
Any you though... with your strength and courage... you did what I didn't. You are amazing. I always knew I couldn't be the impossible.... but I tried. I would have until death.
You are something, Shining. Something great. How emotional that must have been. And how great that JR has realized this and realized you....
Wow Shining! I felt warm and fuzzy reading that. What a great gift and a beautiful attestation to your strength and grace as a woman and mother. And I'm inspired with some hope, which I needed as well. That's the kind of plot twist I'll take any day!!
Prayers for your son as he journeys out to serve.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Shining what an incredible gift. Thanks for sharing. I am happy your first husband not only found some answers within himself but was gracious enough to be truthful with you.
You were incredibly brave for your kids. It is nothing short of a miracle that you and first H can even be civil after all that. What a testament to your ability to move forward and not let an event or a person define you.
Pretty incredible post.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Thank you so very much, everyone. The support from you all on this board is such a comfort. Waking up, pouring my coffee, and checking in with so many new friends that I wouldn't have otherwise had, were it not for a painful mess. Yet another gift that arises from the hurt.
What a couple of weeks it has been.
Things are still processing in my head. So much change. Not necessarily bad change. Just not what I asked for.
Sometimes, instead of what we want, we get what we need. Thanks for reminding me of that, Mick Jagger.
This new life is beginning to unravel piece by piece.
My job is keeping me extremely focused and busy during the day. It is not stressful in the least. It's new, and there are TONS of messes for me to go in and fix.
FINALLY I have something I can fix. I am loving it all.
I work for some incredible people, who hired me not only because I'm qualified, but because I'm different. They don't expect me or want me to fit into some preconceived box.
My boss told me that he wanted to change my job title, since he was adding some more duties to my plate this week. He asked me if I wanted X title, or Y title.
In true "me" fashion, a bit of humor seeped into my answer. The following words actually came out of my mouth.
"I have no preference. If my title states 'Walmart Greeter', I will still do the same job for you. A title doesn't change that." I smiled and added, "I know who I am."
My boss smiled back and said, "Yes, you do, don't you?"
He then explained he is the same way. He went on to explain that the reason for the title clarification is because some new duties involve interacting with other satellite offices. The suggested title will help convey the importance of my communication to them.
Oohh! Good idea. Now I get it.
Part of me feels they are intrigued and slightly amused by my openness and honesty, and that I don't pretend to be something I think they want. I did that in my last job. I didn't like me so much then.
My boss told me it was "refreshing", having someone like me. That's a pretty cool thing to hear.
I still catch myself falling into old patterns of second guessing, self doubt, the beating myself up. I now stop, get up, and walk. Go to the kitchen, ladies room, outside....change my scenery and give myself a pep talk. I found that if I interrupt that stuff, it doesn't grow as big.
I like me. I've become quite protective of that. I don't want to lose me again.
I'm sitting here nodding my head and saying "yes, she's growing by leaps and bounds". I'm glad your supervisor likes the person that you are and he recognizes that your attitude is a refreshing change for him and the office.
Keep up the good work. You are going to love the person that you are evolving into more and more each day.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I still catch myself falling into old patterns of second guessing, self doubt, the beating myself up. I now stop, get up, and walk. Go to the kitchen, ladies room, outside....change my scenery and give myself a pep talk. I found that if I interrupt that stuff, it doesn't grow as big.
Shining, shid girlriend! I just keep hearing what I need to hear on this thread. What's up with that?
Are you secretly stalking me and observing my life like a Guardian Angel? Sorta feeling like it. :-)
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Thank you for such wonderful words, job. I do feel I'm growing. There is a very clear shift in my thinking, and the way I look at things.
It's not as if I'm a whole different person, though. I still have the same fears. I think I just slow down and sort them out now, instead of allowing them to rule my day. I'm learning I have more control of those things. I can choose what I will, and will not allow to get in.
The things that do sneak by me and creep in? I call those out and let them pass through. Like kicking them out the back doggie door.
Heather, I would love to be stalking you right now! Your life is turning some hard corners, just like mine. Friggin' u-turn, at times.
What you've done and what you have now are huge accomplishments.
I'm no stranger to financial stress, family crapola, and learning as a parent to put down the proverbial, "foot."
Reading your thread... Wow, Heather. Struggles and all, you're doing some amazing things. You don't seem to see it yet, perhaps some outside distractions pull you a bit.
You have all the ingredients. The potential for everything you want is right there for you to grab. You just need to believe you can.
I had to learn to stop looking to others for the validation. Even if they said the words I wanted to hear, it didn't make me suddenly believe it. So I kept seeking, thinking I just needed to hear it more often, and from different people. (Bosses, family, H, mom...)
No one out there made me believe in myself.
People here guided me in the right direction, which was a place I didn't want to go at first. Looking inside was painful for me. Still is. But, so worth it.
After I dug down and got past the goo.... Well, you know what's there.
Can we hold hands and skip through this journey together? We can laugh and giggle along the way...
Like two little girls who are really enjoying life- in their own world- not distracted by the mean kids around them. Skipping right past them, in fact.
Can I skip too? We can sing hair metal songs and wear One Direction tshirts.:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Like Georgia said...We will wear our One Direction t-shirts and just look at pretty Mr. Harry Styles.
He doesn't need to talk or even sing. Just look pretty Harry.
D12 was watching an interview the other day. It was hilarious-in his sexy British drawl. He actually said, "If Australia wasn't so far away, everyone would live there."
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I'm going to stick with my new bestie, Dave Grohl. I'm becoming a bit of a star-crush-slvt lately, tho... Adding to the list: Bradley Cooper, Jimmy Fallon, and I make zero apologies for Putbull. I'm bad like that.
My girls think I'm crazee. He is adorable. Do him in a heartbeat.
Catch that ^^^^^^ That's me being my bad-a$$ self. Yup, I'm a slut. Former all-girls' school, voted "Most Loved by Teachers"--Sister Florence would have a heart attack.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Mmmmm. My list always has Ed Norton and Christian Bale. Pitbull isn't for me but I do loves "International Love."
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 11/09/1403:10 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
H sent an email. No text in the body. Subject read, "Song recorded with xyz version"...... Generic.
The only thing in the email was the music file attachment, unnamed. I clicked it, and it was a new recording of H playing a song. It was one of my favorites that he used to play for me when we first got together.
Somebody's checking in. It's about that time, I suppose.
You know what's so funny (funny weird, not funny ha, ha), if the LBS was to send something like that to the WAS, they would freak out because of the "pressure" of it all! They can poke their little heads in any time they start to feel like we aren't paying attention (God forbid!) but if it's the other way around? They feel so much pressure and we're just trying to "push" them. So much insanity so little real human emotion!
uR, yep... He cuckoo, no doubt. Spinning all around....I'm staying out of the way. I miss him less and less. Especially while at work. I don't even think of him. Then I get home.... Not too bad. Going out is the worst, yet. :-/
Mighty, SERIOUSLY!!!! What, at this point, should even surprise us anymore, right??
Matt, you are so right. Things do not work the same in reverse.... I can guess what h would do if I was dating like he was!!!
So, shopping succkkkkks.
In the days pre-cocopuffs, my house during the holidays used to look like Christmas threw up. In a good way...
I loved decorating for the holidays. We both did. We had a blast.
Now, I go to the store, and the music and lights and all the things h and I used to look forward to, are so tainted.
I'm feeling some anger about that.... Not deep or lasting. I hope.
He can't have Christmas. Nope. He can't have any more of me. I'll let this wash over. It's really only needing a light rinse.
I'm thinking of everyone up north!! Hopefully you're all staying warm and safe tonight! BBBRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!
I'm sorry it made you sad, S. I remember that feeling around the first Christmas. I started some new traditions and changed up the decorations. It helped me.
You really are doing amazing, my friend. I am so happy you are.
He11111 no! He ain't takin Christmas! (That seems very anti-Christmas spirit.... lemme reword...)
Let there be Peace on Earth, and Let it Begin With Me! (I don't know if it's exactly the same. But I like it.)
Yuppers... I had the same beautiful Christmas vomit emanating from my house, too! Last year was tough. Xh moved out 3 weeks before Christmas. This year is going to be so different. I'm feeling the same as you about the missing less and less. For quite some time I was actually afraid of that. It made me sad to think of the possibility of not missing him or wanting him. Now I'm embracing it. I'm geekin' for it like a crack-addict!
Bring on the Christmas, baby! I'm ready for it! You too! Bring that Shining Christmas spirit! Pom pom Christmas shake (or whatever you cheerleaders do.. )
So glad things are work are going so well for you. That makes me very happy! Hit up the Rat Pack Christmas on Pandora and own it, Shining!
Shining- I felt the same way last year- just went through the motions for the kids but wasn't into decorating.
This year I feel different- I'm excited to decorate, I actually feel some joy about the holidays. I hope you can find that too and enjoy yourself! Sending Rudolf your way with some Christmas cheer and mistletoe to hang up for the celebrity crush of your choosing to join you under I happen to choose Vin Diesel!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
The song... I don't know what I'd even think about that. Matt is so right, if we did that it would be so unwelcome and pressure. Good for you for not getting svcked into it all. I think I would have listened, cried and then wallowed in "what ifs".
Dang, I missed the hot men talk... My forever crush has been Mark Consuelos (who is married to Kelly Ripa and used to be on All My Children) and I still think he's hot. I'm into Matthew McConaughey too. He and Channing Tatum dancing... yes, please!
I love Christmas and decorating too. Not sure how I'm going to handle that. I imagine I will decorate as I normally do, if only for the kids sake. I'm still debating about putting H's stocking up with ours...
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
I feel nothing. Don't know why. Months ago I would be all wound up at this. Not today.
H texted that he has mail for me. He sent several texts throughout the day, asking questions he has asked before (what time I'm off work, can he stop by my apartment and do the switch).
Then he texted about his music again, and what he's doing. I was very busy in and out of meetings today, so my responses were rushed and short.
At the end of the day, I texted back, asking what works for him to meet. He didn't come out and directly ask.... he hemmed and hawed about a"well, maybe if it's not too much trouble and I don't know what you have planned tonight and I'm sure you're busy oh and I have some music stuff here and well I could of course go to your apartment unless you are able to come here and uh.....I don't know whatever works for you too."
Yeah. I'm not a game player. I could tell he wanted me to come over. I thought about what I wanted. Good bad right or wrong... I wanted to go and see him. I went to his place after work. Besides, I looked fabulous at work today... Heehee.
Disclaimer: I do not want him at all right now. I couldn't have said that a couple of months ago. I know he's cookin'. This is sooooo far from over. Like, years. If ever. No expectations. Just wanted to peek in. My emotions are good, and in-check.
Back to the bouncy house: It was a good exchange. I went in, saw my other doggie and played with him for a minute. H looked great. He looked at me with his sparkley eyes. He said I looked amazing. Yeah, maybe I did...kinda. I was smiling and glowing.
He asked about my new job. I said I'm loving it.
He showed me his new music stuff. Here's where it gets weird and replayish:
When we were in high school, he was shy. I was....not. We went on one date. During that date, I went to his house, and he played a song he had been working on. He tried so hard to impress me back then.
He did the same thing tonight. Trying to impress me. I felt like I was in replay!!! OMG...
He played 3-4 songs for me. And, yeah....the one he emailed, too.
But, he stopped that one part way through. He started getting emotional and teary eyed.
Pause button: I now know, this doesn't mean anything, necessarily. Bouncy bouncy bounce. Took it all in stride.
And back to bouncy house: Then, he talked about his vasectomy. I validated his experience being painful...and quickly changed subject before I committed a homicide. I felt that was a wise move.
He is clueless. He was so matter of fact in talking about it. With no shame or embarrassment. I truly sense, that he sees no connection to how hurtful his choice to have that procedure would appear to me. I truly sense his decision was not about me. We are D in his mind. It is clear.
He asked if I had eaten dinner. He stopped at the grocery store on his way home, knowing I was coming. He said he "accidentally" bought 2 pieces of salmon, and 2 bundles of asparagus... And asked if I would care to join him.
I said sure. It was nice. We exchanged mail and money. Then we talked about our kids, and gave updates. We talked about getting the car in my name, and other things to split. There is a retirement we need to address. It was friendly and matter of fact.
He HATES his apartment. He picked a terrible location. Very loud. He said he will not stay there too long.... Check box, still ticking off items.
I told him about xh visiting last weekend when S18 shipped out. OOOOHHHHHHH that bothered him!!! H asked if xh came here alone...which he did. Oh, boy oh boy oh boy....jelly. Tone, body language...he sounded like a spoiled, jealous kid. Woah...it was awesome.
Odd, he plays meaningful music, looked at me like he wanted me, cooked me one of my favorite dinners....and then talked about splitting more assets.
I roll with it. I'm good. My life is good. It can only get better, no matter what.
He hugged me very tightly.
My take-away, is that he does not want me any more than he did months ago. That has not changed. He doesn't want to lose me entirely, that has not changed.
I, however, am so much stronger, have direction, I can listen to his crazy and just smile and nod...
Time will tell. I'm out of he way for another month!
Second of all....who accidentally buys two salmon and asparagus? And plays songs for a person he wants to divorce? And talks about a vasectomy like its normal table convo? Oh wait, I know...crazy, table for one.
Glad your mindset it good. Expect him to go away for a bit...or not...who knows?
The thing is.....I'M the one who wants to go away right now.
After processing a little more, there were equal parts "I want you" and "I don't want you." I don't take either one to mean anything other than.....crazy.
Crazy crazy crazy.
He is all over the place. Truly.
And I'm feeling some anger lately. Normal, I'm sure. I know that nothing needs to be decided today. If I did have to decide today? I'd probably walk away. I'm not doing that, because the cycling is so much a part of this. Both his and mine. Tomorrow I could feel completely different. I did yesterday.... Sooooo....
Anyhoo......
On the job front..... I LOVE MY JOB!!!!! Things are going well there. I'm very lucky. I can't wait to go to work everyday. I hope it doesn't get old.....If it does? Oh, well! I'll enjoy it while it lasts!!
Yep, the anger is normal and comes back around when you are moving forward like you are. Part of it is you seeing him still a mess and thinking, "So, how's all this destruction you caused working out for ya?"
I am so happy that you love your job. That makes a world of difference in your life, Im sure.
Say what now?! Dang, Shining, this bro is off the chain!
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
First of all, I am sure you looked amazing.
Second of all....who accidentally buys two salmon and asparagus? And plays songs for a person he wants to divorce? And talks about a vasectomy like its normal table convo? Oh wait, I know...crazy, table for one.
Glad your mindset it good. Expect him to go away for a bit...or not...who knows?
You got this, my friend.
I second uR ^^^^. I mean.... that is so lame. I accidentally bought two salmon and asparagus. That is the best line ever. My favorite, maybe.
Glad you changed the subject before you had to take the next step. You know, homicide, and all that extra effort. I'd hate to have to visit you in the clink. Just make sure you keep that level head. Living in Texas and all... well... just keep a level head.
I totally get that you made the trip and you did it just because. AND because you were rockin! That is the best. I think that helps keep you feeling so much better in yourself, confident, and able to keep things in perspective.
This is one mixed up guy. And the moving... yup... xh was in 4 different places within 7 months. I, however, haven't been in one of them. After he left here, it was top secret.
You are amazing, Shining. I love it. And you posts crack me up.
I KNOW, YOU GUYS!!!! Now that I read it over and over.....
"I accidentally bought two salmon and asparagus."
BWAUAAAAAHAHAHHA!!! What the what??? There were some more cuckoo comments that I don't even know.... He apparently learned how to cook from one of his gfs. He started reciting culinary words, like "reduction" and "glaze". And apologized for not "seasoning" the asparagus.... He used to just say "salt."
I can imagine, while cooking with his flavor of the week booty call.... I wonder if he speaks as matter of fact as he speaks to me, "Oooh! My WIFE would love this recipe. "
I remember he followed his comment about the accidental double purchase by shaking his head, saying, "yeah. I don't know what I was thinkin."
If only he could apply that last comment to......oh...... The last 18 months.
Oh, Shining, your last post just cracked me up. This is just so funny… “Reduction”… I don’t even know what it means. And I’m a pretty good cook. He is definitely all over the place. You, on the other side, sound very good. I was reading your post about how you don’t want this man the way he is right now and how it would take him a long time to come out of it. I’ve thinking this too, about my H. It might take him a lot longer to resolve his issues. I just might be not there anymore. I can feel it is coming…
Oh, yeah, and the vasectomy. My didn’t advertise it to me, but he didn’t try to hide it either. My friends know about it. So much for the effort and pain… He is still looking for a perfect woman…
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Yup, I think it's easy to imagine these guys living the Hugh Hefner lifestyle (which now that he's the age he is...kinda gross)...
In your case, Mr. Playa has been watching the cooking channel.
It's never what we imagine. Well, maybe sometimes, but never to extent or degree we imagine it. I think they have big stretches of doing nothing...except trying new recipes.
You're doing great.
Last edited by LoisB; 11/14/1401:15 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Yeah, Bright, kml, Heather.... Cuckoo McSpew sure is one for the books. An honor I never imagined being a part of....
I caught myself today, feeling small again. The mental pep-talks, exercises and walks didn't work as well. I managed to come out of it for the most part. Not complete confidence, though.
Maybe I have a lot going on or something. Not so strong today.
For starters?
I heard from S18 last night, and he is calling me again Sunday to coordinate travel for Christmas. I miss him like crazy.
I picked up other S18 from the airport late last night. He moves out of state in 3 weeks. I'm bumming about that, too.
I talked to xh last night, too. Always a treat. Wow.
^^^^^^ right there is enough to make me want to drink mercury. ^^^^^^^
So, let's see what else we can add, you know...for fun.
Ah, yes.....today, I got a few flirty texts from H. Yeah. Apparently, I did look ok the other night. Seems he's wanting to see me soon, but not until next week........on a weekday. So, which evening might I have available?
Oh, gosh.... Let me see..... A whole WEEKNIGHT? Wow. I must be special.
CAUTION: RANT AHEAD.
Ok, yep. I wanted that. I got exactly what I wanted. I wanted H to notice me. Did I expect him to suddenly snap out of MLC as if things were all better? Not at all. I know how this works.
I'm just feeling really sad about all the changes. So many. So fast. And the changes keep coming, and coming.
It's too much some days. This will wash over. I'm in it at the moment. Breathe.
I'm angry. I'm crying angry. I'm pi$$ed. I hate this. I don't want him. Not this crazy guy.
I miss my sweet H so much. And he's gone. That M is gone.
Fn selfish ridiculous man-child A$$hat.
I feel like this communication is torture. I'm the one allowing it to reel me in. I know perfectly well. Because I don't want to move on. At the same time, I definitely don't want him right now. I don't want anyone. Or anything.
It's my own fault. I know it is. I don't do enough for me. I just don't want to. And I'm tired.
What the he!! am I even doing? I am trying to outlast this. That's what I'm doing. Because I believe I can. I know I can.
Do I WANT to?
I'm not answering that. Nope. Not today.
I needed to get that out.
Oh, and MIL sent me an email checking in on the kids and me.... Feeling bad about everything, and hoping we are well.
Hi Shining - sorry you're having a bad day. I still have those. I just read up on your sitch yesterday. Amazing story about your XH, by the way!
I have to be honest: I would give anything to have any regular, friendly contact with my H. I have not seen him on a weekend since BD, 1 year and 5 months ago. Just weeknights. On weekends, he's with OW, who lives 1.5 hours away. My H is also acting like a nut, but I'd still like to have some opportunities to demonstrate the changes in me. I have had just about none. I'm certainly not saying 'You got it made, Shining,' but, boy, I'd trade with you if I could! True, it is NO fun trying to put up with his shenanigans, but I'd take shenanigans over nothing. It's incredibly difficult to keep acting like there is nothing 'wrong' with him and to be friendly - but it sounds like you've got that down pat. Keep at it. I don't think he's ready to let you go!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
So, first things first. The feeling small thing. I know it wont last. Why do you think you are feeling that way at this moment?
I am thinking it doesnt serve you well to see him. Because even though you know that he is going through this, you are human and you cant help but want to see if there is any change. You got to see crazy up close and it is unsettling.
I know you hate to hear this, but, this is still new. It's a long road. It's really long if you arent really detached.
I am sorry it hurts. I know you miss him. This is so hard. Especially because we cant really understand it. It isnt the way its supposed to go.
I know that you feel that if you detach you may lose the love. If you detach, you are giving up. That is scary.
You are just going to have to take a leap of faith and trust in the process.
This is going to play out either way. Live your life, become who you want to become and then see what happens in the future. Then make a decision from a place of strength.
You are so hard on yourself, my friend. You feel how you do and it's ok. You are working through it.
Now you have some valuable info. It isnt good for you to see him right now.
I want you to know what I see. I see an amazing woman, with a huge heart, a wonderful sense of humor, who is an incredible mother, a hard worker, who has such strength and spirit.
Dont allow this to define you or your life, S. Feel the feelings, then let them go.
I wrote this to SS. "Pain is part of life, and we can’t avoid it by resisting it. We can only minimize it by accepting it and dealing with it well.That means feeling the pain and knowing it will pass. No feeling lasts forever. It means sitting in the discomfort and working your way out. There will come a time when you feel healed and empowered."
So, go easy on yourself. It's ok to take care of you. In fact, its important that you do. You matter, too, S.
Drink mercury? I love it. I always say "drink lighter fluid". Sending you a hug my friend.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thank you, LiveNow. I can't imagine going through this with the distance you have had to deal with. I think both options succckkk, no matter how you slice it. I do feel very fortunate to have the opportunity to get in front of H. The thing is, for me, it doesn't serve me well at all. I also have the comparison of my xh. I was NC and out of state from him for years. He came through his tunnel, and apologized, acknowledging everything. He could only figure this out with us out of the way. I truly need to get out of H way. He can not come through this with me lingering over his shoulder. The short term satisfaction of seeing him, delays the long term healing. I do believe this.
Now, if I can just get out of my own way.....
uR, as always, your wisdom is so valued, and appreciated. Thank you. I needed to read your words. Thank you for letting me know what you see in me. It matters. I do need to hit the reboot button. I'm not crying in a ball on the floor, like I was this past summer. I am strong for the most part. But, yeah....there are still hard days and anger and sadness and confusion...l'm no more or less immune to them than anyone here, whether newbie or vet.
You know, what with us being human and all. . (Still one of my favorite comments to H)
GB, I have a whole list of things not-to-drink-unless-pushed-by-unpleasant-experiences. We should exchange, like recipes. Thank you for the hug.... My fellow 3 C-section-sexy mama. Muah!!
As uR says, it's time to get to gettin'. I need a plan. A plan to keep me from hiding under a rock during the holidays. Because no. That's why. Plus, I hear that's not so fun. I'm pretty sure I can do better than that. I am better than that.
This life thing is a beautiful experience, pain and all. Yeah, I said it.
Now I gotta go do it.
Thank you, for being here whilst I change mental poopypants. As only real friends would be.
Shining, As a newbie I am in awe of your ability to just keep on carrying on. Right now I feel like I am 100 years old and I am so new to this reality. You are so strong. Don't forget how strong you can be...
Just wanted to send a little good wishes your way for the weekend. Hang in there.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
You shouldnt have said you need a plan to me. Now I have to keep on to get one. Heehee.
My first Christmas in lalaland...was hard, but, I got through it. I made some new traditions with my son. We changed it up some. He took on the stuff his dad used to do. We made a night of decorating the tree in a way his dad wouldnt have approved of. Music blasting. Nachos made. Mom dancing like a fool. LOL!
I volunteered to work at a place for women who had been abused. Man did that put things into perspective.
S, you have kids that still need to have Christmas.
It will be sad in some ways and different...but different doesnt have to be bad.
Gwen, thank you for stopping by. And thank you for your wonderful words. I am sorry you're here. This is tough stuff, no matter how strong we are. It is such a blessing to have these boards to help sort this mess out. I have read some of your thread, and I'll check in with you there, too.
uR.....
Uh oh.
Now I dunnit.
I said "I need a plan".
Now yer gonna make me all accountable and stuff..... I knowit.
I know that you feel that if you detach you may lose the love. If you detach, you are giving up. That is scary.
uR, you hit the nail in the head. This is exactly what my fear is.
Shining, interesting perspective about getting out of H’s way. I have that in my sithc, big time. I’m out of his way completely. Well, almost with the exception of company business sometimes and the vacation home. But I haven’t seen him or talked to him since May. I still feel like it is to my disadvantage, not benefit.
I’m glad to see that you are doing good. Have a great weekend.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I just wanted to tell you that my immature inner child thoroughly enjoyed this phrase!!!
I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I do the same thing as you- I feel down and worse after seeing H. A lot of my dimness ( can't go completely as we share 4 kids) is to protect myself right now.
Don't know if you've read it or not but I just finished " the journey from abandonment to healing". I found it helpful- good exercises that can be put into practice daily and help when you are feeling the way you described. Sending hugs!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Drink mercury? I love it. I always say "drink lighter fluid". Sending you a hug my friend.
I prefer chardonnay.... but that's me.
SHINING!!!!!! uR is spot on with her post. It may do you some good to just get some distance. I know you have and you are doing swimmingly (I have never used that phrase), but I think I would help to take a break altogether for a little while. Give him something to think about, ya know?
Maybe I'm way off with this, but I think it would be good for you. I think it would be good for him, too. He has you on his mind... all your glorious hotness and all that... what would it be like for him if you were too busy to hang out with Chef Boyardee?
Find your place, girl. Find something different. Go do it and enjoy it. It doesn't have to be over-the-top or anything. Just something to look forward to. And new and exciting!
Yeah.....Might. You and uR and everyone else.... I know. I totally know.
I'm not doing myself any favors by being available. I'm not in the desperate needy way I was, though. I'm just really not doing anything to be unavailable.
Trying not to be too tough on myself, since I've had a lot going on with kiddos. I do need to do better, tho. For me.
I have more digging to do. And I'm not looking forward to that. It takes a lot of energy I don't have. Although, if I don't do it, I'll never have the energy to get to where I want to be.
Here's what's bothering me:
I'm still spinning about the conversation 2 weeks ago with xh. Where he acknowledged everything. It's bringing up a lot of past hurt and stuff. And old wounds. And suddenly I'm feeling small again? Why? I should feel awesome that he said that stuff, right?
I can't quite sort it out.
H isn't on really my mind as much anymore, overall. Even this last thing, I move on from it quicker each time. I hurt, yes. I can process it, and get out of that so much better now.
I'm still soooooooooo reluctant to put myself out there. Why? What the he!! am I afraid of, for goodness sakes??
All my worst fears of rejection and abandonment have pretty much happened in the most destructive and horrible way possible .......soooo....what could be worse?
Why am I stuck? I make a plan to make a plan...then I talk myself out of it. And I'm a GOOD talker. I believe me. Even when I'm lying to myself.
Shining, I totally get the part about moving on quicker each time from our H's antics. Feel like I keep getting punched in the gut, but each time it hurts a little less, and I get right back up now; a year ago, it would take me days to regroup from every hurt I had to endure. When you say your are 'reluctant to put yourself out there', do you mean in the situation with your H? Or in other situations, general life situations? Do you feel stuck that you can't decide whether to move on, and file for D? Or stuck that you can't make more progress with H?
I've also said that my current sitch is about the worst thing i can think of to happen in my life -- same here, rejection and abandonment fears. But we grow stronger knowing we are handling it, however inept we feel at doing so sometimes...it did not kill us, like we thought it might! Honestly, you've gone through SO much, and survived. Doesn't sound like there is much you can't handle!
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
You know, Shining, when I was going through this, there were times when it seemed to play out like a game. I didnt like the feel of that. I am so not a game player.
I tried really hard to live my life according to what felt right to me. Sometimes it wasnt perfect dbing. But it was more important for me to be true to me.
You dont have to do anything until you are ready to do it. But, having said that, I will tell you what I believe.
I think he needs to feel the loss of you. Not as a ploy. Not as a way to get him back or as a punishment. But because I think it is what should be the natural consequences of the choices he is making.
As long as he knows you are avaiblable, he has no reason to do any work.
But more importantly, it is necessary for you. Much as you think you understand, it still affects you deeply. As long as it does, you stay kinda stuck.
You have had a lot of stuff to deal with. That's why I think it is really important for you to start to take care of you some.
Because there are some more things coming up that you need to deal with..like your son moving and getting through the holidays and I dont want to see you overwhelmed.
I hear you on the digging. The thing about that is that it is ultimately for you.
I dont blame you for thinking about everything your xh said. That was a whole lot to absorb. It was years of you thinking maybe you could have done better.
Let's work through why that would make you feel small.
I think part of why you dont put yourself out there is that you just dont feel like it but you feel you should. Your tired, S, of all the mental stuff you have had to deal with. It wears you out. It's so much.
So, maybe give yourself a break for right now. It's ok. You need to regroup and gain your strength back.
You have put yourself out there with a new job and on here and meeting up with us.
Do something small, S. Just for you for now. Plenty of time to do other things when you are ready. Maybe you are scared, but, as long as you are moving forward and I think you are - that is what matters.
I feel like I've gone backwards since xh talking to me.
On the one hand, it was extremely validating to hear what I heard. It is comforting to know he is a better person, for the best reason of all...the kids.
On the other hand? This may sound strange..... It was another form of a shoe dropping. It was unexpected. It made me revisit so much I didn't want to remember and have to feel again. Those were very bad years and I thought it was all in the past. To hear him explain his thinking back then....It made me confused because I was so sure he would never....and he did.
So now I don't trust anything I think. I don't trust me.
So right now, I'd rather stay inside and be safe. Away from things I may have to trust myself with.
There is just so much crazy around....I feel like I'm losing it myself some days.
And it just occurred to me, that within the past one year, both my xh and my current H have done a 180 in who they were. Who I thought they were. How they acted. How they treated us.
The crazy one got better. The better one went crazy.
And it just occurred to me, that within the past one year, both my xh and my current H have done a 180 in who they were. Who I thought they were. How they acted. How they treated us.
The crazy one got better. The better one went crazy.
I can't wrap my head around this all.
Nods yup, same here. The crazee angry one had already become less angry and now he's being nice and and..... It's feeling so weird.
The normal ones acting totally nuttso, it's like Alice in wonder land. The whole small towns talking and saying wtf?
It's not just me now who has seen crazee, his son, my farm tenants seen flashes as well. The farm tenant is talking to me and was told just watch his words and actions match, I did fill him before I knew better. I was worried that h might have carried out his threats of to killing him self.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
I'm not exactly the picture of stability right now although I do relate to not trusting yourself. I always believe that at our "core" we really do "know" the answers although there is so much junk in life that it's easy to not tune in. Hang in there. You will get refocused and centered. What would Dave Grohl think? Yay. There ya go.
Xo:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 11/16/1410:51 PM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Shining - I think I get it...it IS an awful lot to process at once. Not surprised you're a bit worn out from it all! Remember - you're only given what you're able to handle at any one time. And you're handling the current challenges pretty darn well! One day at a time...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
S, I know with all that’s happened to you, that you are feeling as if what you knew to be true wasn’t. And that you are doubting yourself. This isn’t how it was supposed to go. You felt you learned from your first marriage and this wouldn’t happen.
The truth is that we don’t really know what life has in store. There are no guarantees and we have no control of how others will act.
So, we begin to doubt ourselves. We start to feel we cant trust our instincts.
But learning to trust ourselves again is crucial to our wellbeing. It’s why we have to get strong and confident. When we do, we realize that when life throws us curves, we know we will be ok.
It’s a choice to either believe in yourself or allow yourself to be sucked into feelings of self-doubt. It’s easy to get lost in self-doubt when we forget to take care of our own needs.
The person you need to trust first is yourself. No one can be as supportive of you as you can learn to be. Trusting yourself means that you can take care of your needs and safety. It means you trust yourself to survive situations and do the best you can. It means you refuse to give up on yourself and you stay true to who you are.
I know there is a part of us that feels inadequate after having gone through something like this, and so we have a very difficult time believing that we know enough or are competent enough to be trusted.
I think we get disappointed in ourselves that we didn’t see this coming and we should have.
I think for you, having your xh say all those things, really unsettled you. It made you questions things. And it brought back all those feelings of you allowing him to do what he did. You have to forgive yourself that, S. You got out when you could.
I say this to myself sometimes. “I forgive myself for letting myself down. I learn and grow with each disappoint and understand I cannot control the actions of others.”
Gg, it sounds like we have very similar H, don't we?
GB, my new friend Dave Grohl is like, "Shining, you're my hero." And then he goes into the song "Hero" and then I cry, because he knows how much that song means to me, and then Dave stops playing for a minute to comfort me, and he's like, "Shining, I didn't mean to make you cry" and I'm like, "I know, it's ok. Just keep hugging". And so he does.
LiveNow, I appreciate your kind words. I hate thinking about all that has happened, because it's overwhelming all at once. But, yeah, I'm doing ok, considering it all.
uR, how is it you're so inside my head? Your posts move me. And you described exactly what I'm feeling.
Going to see H last week didn't serve me well. I know why I needed to.
Yes, I have felt really unsettled since xh talk. It is still processing. As the conversation was first sinking in, and the emotions came up, I felt confused and lost. Insecure. I reached out for something familiar....the one person I want to be able to reach out to....my H. Yet, he is not familiar anymore. That guy is gone. I mean, waaaayyyyy gone. And that hurts.
The seeing it coming? Yep. A part of me still blames me.
Forgiving myself??? *****sigh.*****
~~~~~~~~Cue the kicking and screaming.~~~~~~~~
I'm going to keep your quote in my pocket. In my phone. It's what I have to do, for sure.
Xh1 sat at my kitchen table and said I'm sorry you broke up. He tryed and for him it was a huge a$re step to be comforting. I wanted to scream and kick and say... Wtf you choose now. You've had over 20years and you choose today of all days.
I know really know he was just waiting for the day, in case he had a chance. I feel it, and no chance. No how.
He then thought it might have been nice to go to his sisters funeral as a family. I couldn't stand the thought of him in the car all that way. It was hard enough sobbing with him along side and me thinking he was going to hug me! My skin crawled.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Shining, Just caught up on your sitch ... Ts'd had me read a portion on some homework ... then as my addictive personality commands ... I was captivated by your story and the journey you have been on. Similar to mine .. however reading yours I realized ... I have lost a chunk of my sense of humor .. something I thought I would be buried with.
I like you do not do well currently when I see W, something about it .. like all my feelings are still there, sometimes more intensive than others, and just like you touched on .. the cycle .. theirs and ours .. its brutal. Just when I am PMA high and feeling good, somehow I get sucked into the MLC tornado and am left dazed and confused.
Anyways .... no wisdom from me to add .. just observations .. you have this. You are a very strong person, hang in there.... you got this.
Cali, thank you for stopping by. (And for recognizing my humor).
Addictive personality? Ooohhh, yesssss.... Me too.
I never became addicted to drugs or alcohol. My dad was an alcoholic, and told me early on that I would have those tendencies. I thought I beat addiction, since I didn't do those things. Ha!
A---nope.
I was addicted to my H. Codependent. I think that's a huge part of my problem seeing him now. I get sucked in so easily, because I'm still madly in love with him. I miss our old life. I know that's gone. I do. I can't imagine going back. I see that's impossible.
But, yeah....it messes me up. It's not good for me. It distracts me from what I need to do.
^^^^^^^^^^ sounds like a drug, huh? ^^^^^^^^
Thank you for saying I'm strong. Some days I feel it. Others.....meh.
I'm glad T has you doing some work. I hope it's going well for you. Tough chit, that was....
That T is one smart, bacon-lovin', relentlessly stubborn, gonna make you accountable in a 2x4-love-tap-kinda-way guy. (She said, hiding like a big chicken, smiling innocently behind uR.....).
I ain't nothing compared to "some" people, I'm fluffy bunny, usually ... I hope your quads and hams recover from hiding behind UR, that's gotta be a workout!!! (Yes I know I'm gonna get it, UR knows all sides of me, but nothing ventured, nothing fun...she can handle it, of this I'm sure)
Call on your current, and pre-loss selves, together they will get you to where you need to be.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Shining your XH was generous to try to explain his thinking during those tough years. It was brave but it is also an explanation arrived after many years of learning and growing and accepting his actions. It is his perception of what he was thinking at that time but neither of you can say his perception is any more accurate than your perception was at the time.
Bottom line is that you should trust yourself. We do the best with what we know at the time.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Shining. My girl! First, the Dave Grohl scenario... I dig it.
Quote:
A part of me still blames me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down, tiger. I get it, I really do. But, I think if I said that, you'd punch me in the face if you could reach me.
Let me be a little more graceful. You know, tact is my middle name (Or is it attack... nope... that's not it.) OK, so to find some grace and tact, I have to look elsewhere.
OK, so.... drumroll..... my fried, AJ says...
Quote:
At some point, you'll absorb the fact that it's not your doing. You could have been "perfect" (and probably were/are) for him. I'm not saying you are perfect - nobody is - but for him, likely. You didn't cause this. You can make it worse by pursuing, blaming, etc. But you can't make it worse by doing what you need to do for YOU. And for your kids. That's on him, you are just reacting to enforce your boundaries. What he does with that is his to deal with.
Case in point, Shining. XH said straight up tonight, that I didn't do anything. He does not even know why this happened. He was pretty confused, but is fully aware that it wasn't me. And I can assure you, that it ain't because of my pores either! See what I'm saying, dear.
Dems be blowin in da wind. No direction nor clue. Looking for the next thing they think will make them feel better.
You're my girl, Shining. I wouldn't lie to ya. It is his major loss... you are truly amazing. Irreplaceable.
Oh my I needed that laugh- thread fight- love it!! I probably look very weird laughing out loud while I'm by myself at a table for lunch- but whatever!! I decided to take a "me day" and I'm enjoying it!
So Shining- that whole still blaming ourselves- I get it. But I've also figured out why. Many of us are fixers, and I remember reading on your thread somewhere that everything you wanted previously- you MADE it happen! I am that person too- I don't fail. Probably a result of unhealthy perfectionistic tendencies that I think will protect me from being disapproved of or abandoned, but hey, what perfectionist isn't messed up??? It sĄck$ donkey balls but we can't perfect our way through fixing them and we couldn't perfect our way from preventing this either. I love AJs quote above.
Don't be so hard on yourself! ( said to myself too as I need daily reminders).
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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