He moved in with his parents. Didn't contact me until I text him if he was okay on 10/26, he responded yes. And while my children and I were out on 10/26, he came home and packed almost every article of clothing, razors, shoes, etc.
Our children saw that his stuff was missing on 10/26. He never called the house or any of our cell numbers to see if we were home. He then contacted our children 10/28 and explained that "he didn't leave them." "He needs space and wants them to understand." He said he loves them very much. BTW-since this is so fresh, his mother came by 10/28 without calling to visit our children. I was at Bible Study. So she had one of my children call to see if it's okay she take them to lunch. I said yes. At this point I wasn't sure where he was staying and if my in-laws knew. When I came home, they were back. She didn't say anything about the situation.
Well, as she was leaving she cried and said that whatever we needed that they are just a phone call away. I appreciated that until she said, "He's not happy. He hasn't been happy for the last 10 years. He isn't in love with you anymore. You should just let him go. He can't be in a miserable marriage."
I tried to defend myself but I know I can't convince her that it's a MLC or depression. They only believe I'm the cause of this, since this is her son. So I just pray over her and all my in-laws that they speak words to uplift and unify our marriage and family not curse it.
Now, my DH timing is terrible since oldest child turns 18 in two weeks. Now what? Awkward? Our DS is angry, hurt, sad, confused.
I don't want a D.
I know DH feels hopeless and confused. I'm confused too. He denies any other person exists but I feel he's talking to someone who is encouraging this radical behavior. All I can do is pray. I'm in coaching and counseling sessions.
I tried to sign us up for Retrouvaille (sp.?!) He was okay with going at first but now really doesn't want to go. UGH!
So questions... How do I manage his visitations with our children? Can I?
What do I say or do if he just shows up when I'm not home and he comes into house and takes more stuff? Can I establish a boundary?
He's trying to get our children to understand him but they don't. He tries to explain and even uses words I may have used (out of context) to justify or rationalize this behavior. So confused.
Just praying! Need encouragement!
Thanks for listening.
Welcome to the MLC board.
Rather than hijack Imlin's thread at the top of the board I started one for you, continue to post here until you get to 100 posts or start a new thread.
My suggestion is to just breathe, I will post my welcome post soon too.
If bomb drop was just last week you really are very new to all this.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version, sorry for the confusion.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I'm sorry you are here. For me, this journey has been a huge blessing in disguise. Trust the process, be gentle with yourself and love your kids with as much energy as you can muster.
Love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
vge1 - I am so sorry this situation has happened. I am fairly new as well and my heart goes out to you.
Take care of yourself so you can take care of your children. Focus on the basics. I am still doing that and I find myself better equipped to make decisions as they come up. The kids Will benefit if they see mom coping with the basics.
There are many wise and supportive people here. Read their threads and post when you need to vent or have questions. This is a safe place and while people may not have the answers they will help you navigate uncharted territory.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Thank you for the support. Sometimes, I read the threads and become discouraged because I see the signature lines of the posters with Big D in many of the signatures.
I just pray and hope. HOPE! I pray for love, healing, unity, mercy, and reconciliation. My children and I need him desperately to be home. Be present as their father and my husband.
I pray for all the marriages. May God heal and unify them.
I refuse to take anything away from these amazing people who have gotten a D. In this there are no guarantees even if YOU do everything right, your spouse might not come back.
I will say this, I'm willing to bet that every single person who posts here and got divorced will still say DBing was worth it, for themselves.
As for the numbers? If you have to look at statistics and figure out if you're going to be married based upon that? Quit now. But that should NOT be how a marriage works. You want a goal? Shoot to be the small percentage that does work. Ultimately if you really love your husband, even if you had a 1 in a gazillion chance, you'd try, because you love him. Aim for the 1%.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Hi everyone. I'm in the middle of reading DR and signed up for telephone coaching.It's helping but still feel confused about this.
cat04 - My Details.
Married 20 yrs. I homeschool our 4 children. I don't work outside the home. He's asking me to help relieve financial pressure, I'm willing to work part time but at this point it may fall on deaf ears. Now I'll have to work ... children have never gone to a traditional school. We're not near the better schools. I'm sure they'll be fine but this is turning their world upside down in so many ways.
He had an affair several years ago with a coworker. I think he only revealed this because she said she was pregnant. He may have had others but don't know. BTW - she has another child from a previous relationship - never married. I asked if him to choose - me, her or no one. He said me. So we went straight to our pastor the next day. Everyone at his job knew he was married and we were always together with our children.
Our pastor referred us to a christian counselor. During counseling, I'd cry and he would just sit there and look so sad. Our counselor said, "I don't know why y'all are coming to counseling so much because I see the grace of God in your relationship." He said he felt so much guilt and shame and just recently he said he finally forgave himself. He felt bad because he hurt me and I'm a good person.
Well, the OW had the baby boy. We visit him once a month for two days and take our children to see their brother. (No communication with OW only about child - she's moved on)
I love my stepson. I've been a part of his life and our children love him too. He's only a toddler now. My DH wants to take two of our children to visit their brother without me. (That's never happened before)
We overcame a lot. I supported my DH. We renewed our vows at a Marriage Encounter weekend and I thought we were good. We did the 5 love languages, counseling, marriage retreat, listening, dates, etc. Our story served as testimony to others at different retreats - that there is hope and renewal for marriages.
Now what? I know he is depressed. He's now in denial saying all is good (I guess cuz his Mom and maybe someone else is saying he should be happy). He says he loves God and has prayed a lot about this. Hmm?
I don't like this. I don't know this person. Who is he?
Jack_Three_Beans - I know there are no guarantees. I won't quit..I'm not a quitter and will try everything I can to save this marriage. Aiming to be the 1%.
Hi everyone. Ok. Having questions... Boundaries? He hasnt sat down with me to discuss visitation or bills or anything.? What do i say? I have asked that we sit down to discuss this and he said, thats fine...? Hasnt happened. He jusr calls when Im not here and speaks to our children to make plans. I called him back and asked if he could just speak with me first.(he got defensive) he said there his kids too but fine(angry tone) I'll go through you. Ugh! I was polite just asking for courtesy. My DH is not himself.
Hi everyone. Ok. Having questions... Boundaries? He hasnt sat down with me to discuss visitation or bills or anything.? What do i say? I have asked that we sit down to discuss this and he said, thats fine...? Hasnt happened. He jusr calls when Im not here and speaks to our children to make plans. I called him back and asked if he could just speak with me first.(he got defensive) he said there his kids too but fine(angry tone) I'll go through you. Ugh! I was polite just asking for courtesy. My DH is not himself.
What do I say?
I dont know how old the children are and that might make a difference on the response.
But - why does he have to speak to you first?
Are they old enough to be responsible?
Yes your DH is NOT himself, that is a given or you would not be here.
Boundaries are to protect YOU, or to protect your children.
A healthy boundary is that I will not have a relationship with you or sleep with you while you are having a relationship with someone else.
He usually wants to speak with our 7 and 9 yr old. Of course they'll say yes to be with Dad - cuz now he makes time for them and does the fun stuff. How can they make plans? However, he's called our 16 and 17 yr old and tries to make plans with them and they aren't thrilled. They really don't know how to act around him because he keeps trying to justify himself and it makes them hurt and angry.
I just asked for courtesy to ask me if they're going somewhere in case I have something planned - that's all.
I'm also asking for courtesy about calling first before coming over to the house. I feel invaded when he's been to the house and we aren't home and he just takes stuff. Feels awful to see stuff gone.
I'm not prohibiting his time with the children or preventing their communication. Just I think he would expect the same if the roles were reversed.
Hi 123Gwen - We're hanging in there! One day at a time. Last week was an emotional roller coaster. He tried to avoid all eye contact and when he does make eye contact, he seems perturbed that he has to speak with me even when I just ask him a simple question.
I really don't know who he is.. He's very aloof with me. Now he wants to setup a visitation schedule to see the children- (finally!)So we'll see how that goes.
He spoke to our youngest child on the phone the other day and said, "Why don't you call me? Don't you love me?" Of course, our child responded "Of course I love you daddy." I didn't really like that comment since it made our child feel bad (7 yrs old). None of our children really ask to call or text him, so should I just tell them to call him at random - or should I just let the children ask when want to speak with him? I don't want to force it but I don't mind them calling him to talk to him. We all still love him and just want him home.
I don't like this...this....this new normal. Just so disappointing. I'm sure some of y'all can relate.
Really praying for softened hearts, reconciliation, love and peace.
im hurting. I dont like this. I think my DH is waiting til after the holidays to file....ugh!
DH just received Confirmation into the Catholic Church...which I love, yet he only wanted our children to attend this event and not me. I was so sad. Only one of children wanted to go when I said that daddy didnt want me there. Our youngest (who loves God and church)wanted to go "see daddy"
Of course, DH sent his mother to pick up our child. He then text 2 hrs later that he wanted our child to spend the nite. Ugh!
So, I didnt refuse or fight..I just replied that I wish he would've told me his plans so I could pack his pj's and toothbrush.
After I picked up our child, some interesting information (without prompting) came out. Turns out that Daddy had a "friend from work" there at the church...A woman.
They all went out to eat afterward - all inlaws, nephew, our child and this woman and her three kids!!!
The pain is unbelievable! I don't know if she is the OW or not. I am emotionally drained.
My kiddos need me. And to add to everything...Stress has resulted in test results to show that my cancer may have returned.
My poor children know what is going on whether I tell them details or not...they are my reason to not give in and NEVER GIVE UP! Just Needing prayer and reassurance and HOPE!!
Just reading back quickly, I have not seen what you have set up for yourself as far as GALs and things to keep your PMA.
I know those things are hard to do when you're such an emotional wreck, but they are the key to feeling better and relieving some of the stress.
There has to be an acceptance of the situation, as awful as it may be, and that starts with you.
You can't change what has happened, you can't make your H do anything... you can only work on yourself.
Pray, cry, yell, pound the pillow, whatever you need to do--but work on yourself.
Come here for support and to do some venting.
There are specific things you can do as far as attitude and communication that may help calm the situation somewhat. But they won't "make" anything happen.
First is to let go of the idea that you have any control over this. You don't. It is frightening to read that, I know. But here it is again: You don't have any control over this.
You can only control yourself; your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, and responses to what is happening in your life.
Make a list of your Lifelines--people you can confide in safely, people you trust. Make another list of all the good qualities YOU embody, as a wife, mother, and most importantly, AS AN INDIVIDUAL.
Remember all the things you liked to do in the past and then make plans to do them by yourself or with others.
Make a list of the values you want to live by, and then make your future decisions based on those; not on any fleeting emotion or desire to turn back the clock.
Start with these, share the lists here, and you will begin to feel better. Feeling better is largely feeling like you have some control over YOURSELF, even if others in your life are visiting Crazy Town.
Hang in there. It does get easier.
--(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
My friends (sisters in Christ) have been amazing. They are really great listening to all my stuff and praying for us to get through this as a couple. They are all pro marriage but do tell me to protect myself - financially and legally. That scares me...I don't wanna go there.
But I feel though -I can't control the situation, how can I control situations regarding our children being exposed to this "alien"?
Anyway, this forum is amazing. All of you are my inspiration for hope and the future is bright. God is good. He is my refuge and my shelter. Thanks for the support everyone. I pray for the miracle of healing - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
I am still waiting to read what actions YOU are taking to get control of your life and your emotions.
You have to do more than pray and share with others. You have to get up and do things, otherwise, you'll simply circle around and around, waiting for a miracle to occur.
Remember, the Lord helps those who help themselves, right?
So please list the things you think you could have done better in your marriage, any complaints your H might have had, decide which ones are valid and in keeping with your personal values---and then list the specific actions you are going to take to remedy those things.
These will be your 180s.
That will be a good start to get the focus on you, where it needs to be.
----(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Ok. You're right..I can't just sit here and not do anything. What am I supposed to do as a 180? I've read the list and I believe I'm doing everything on the list.
I'm looking at everything I've said and done. I would correct him when he would say certain things I found inappropriate to tell our children (like crude jokes). I would say, "Honey, don't say that." then he'd respond, "you know I'm just kidding with them. They know I'm kidding with them." Then he'd watch certain shows and I'd correct him again. So I do see where I came across as a mom.
My defense was that he's their Dad and should really use positive words, watch positive messages, etc. so that we don't let this stuff infiltrate our home with negativity. At first, after the affair several years ago, he was quite discerning about what shows, music, media, etc. that we would all expose ourselves to and then slowly he started going a different direction.
So 1) I must change the preachy thing. I get it. How? Do I not say anything at all - will it come across as accepting because I don't accept it. Don't know how to show this since he's not here.
2) I don't argue fairly - I guess. I know I must validate and empathize. Trying this in bits but I really don't know what to say. If he wants to visit the children and I don't agree the day or time, I know he'll argue and say that they are his kids too. I just back off and say ok?
3) I stay home to homeschool our children and don't contribute to the household income financially. I've defended myself to say that he had agreed to this decision and it was helpful to our family because we were moving every 18 mos when he'd get promoted and/or transferred. I don't anticipate another move.
He joined a MLM to have "freedom and travel and spend time with us (kids and I)." He joined without talking to or asking me. Then he'd look at me and say - "I need help and you're not helping. I'm working long hours and can't go make contacts all the time or attend all the meetings." HINT-YOU do it!--ME?!
I said I supported him on this but I don't want to join a MLM. The company is good, I believe the product but I am so uncomfortable with approaching people. He said our goals aren't the same because he wants freedom and time with family and since I'm not doing everything for this MLM business, then I must not have the same goals as he does. I didn't say that, I just don't want to do this MLM.
Even my SIL and MIL feel sorry that my DH has a financial weight trying to carry the financial load of our family plus child support and visitation. They really think I'm just taking it easy.
UGH! Now I have to find something to contribute that won't disrupt the boys schedules.
4)My friends say I need to be a b****, but that's not me. I love him. I don't want to be mean. I don't yell so should I yell or get angry?
His nature has been that he withdraws, shuts down, avoids emotional conflict when I get upset or disagree. So what's my 180? How?
What can I do to show the respect he wants as a man and he's not here? He doesn't talk to me. Quick texts. No eye contact.
Now what do I do? I'm doing stuff to keep busy but it's nothing I can really show him.
1. I get that you have concerns about what the children are exposed to. Perhaps just start by letting the small things go. If it's not worth a war, just ignore.
You don't need to be preachy. You can lead by example. You can, in an upbeat manner, suggest watching a video or something that's more appropriate. You don't want to undermine him in front of the kids. I understand this is a hard line for you to walk because the children's well-being is at stake. Unfortunately, you can't make him change his behavior.
It sounds as though you've stated your case more than once yet he has ignored your concerns. So repeating them isn't going to strengthen your position. This is probably a lost cause for now. The best you can probably do is get the kids busy doing something else when he's being crude/exposing them to inappropriate content.
2. Yes, they are his kids too. You work with him to come up with a schedule that's amenable to both of you. You don't just back off and say "Ok" if it's something that is harmful to your children. On the other hand, if it's not, sometimes it's best to let the little things go.
3. No need to defend yourself if it was something you both agreed upon. You are now following through with that decision. He can't backpedal now and blame you for this. This falls under the heading of "things he's complaining about which have no substance." If you've stated your case, you don't need to revisit it.
The MLM. Well, I wouldn't like that either. If he chose to do this without your input and is now complaining that you're not pulling your weight... well, did he suggest that it would be something for both of you to do? Is it only now that he's complaining? Again, you need to decide if this argument has merit or not. If it does, perhaps offer to help in small ways.
4. No. Do NOT be a b*tch! That would be Non-DBing for sure! You need to present the best of yourself, remember? No yelling, no getting angry and acting from emotion. You've got to get busy MAKING PLANS FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN THAT DO NOT INCLUDE HIM.
That's what I'm waiting to hear about from you.
You can't change him. He may never change. You have to decide what is within your power to control and give the rest over.
Let me say this: At this point, talk is pretty useless. Your actions will communicate what needs to be said more clearly than words ever could.
What are your ACTIONS going to be, vge?
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I am new here too, just wanted to say hi and send you hugs.
I am just starting my journey through this minefield too, each day presents a different challenge. But listen to these guys here, they really know what they are talking about.
Focus on yourself and your kids, GAL and please don't bury your head in the sand when it comes to protecting yourself financially and legally - at the very least go and get advise.
Please copy and paste the other thread here so people can follow along.
Thanks!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I need some support right now. Feeling defeated and need some hope again.
I am trying to stay busy. Doing stuff to keep my mind off the situation. I think I'm strong then I lose my courage and cry.
I'd like to know about the LBS that are homemakers "forced" to go back to work.
What do you do...take any job that comes along or go for a career?
What about the MLC family (parents, siblings, etc.) do you give your side when they ask "what happened? I know they love him and care about me too but some are caught in the middle especially this holiday season.
My DH and youngest child just returned from a few days where my DH took his mother and our child out of town to visit my DH's other child.
My DH took his mother and my child into his previous "lover's" home. I feel betrayed again. He knows that this would hurt me. I wonder if he even mentioned to "her" that he left me. She'd probably be happy since he got into that relationship by saying he was unhappy in his marriage to me. She went for it thinking he would leave me for her. But when that wasn't happening - she got pregnant. And here we are forever tied to her. Anyway, so now I think their friends. I'm sure the OW was only too happy to show off her home to who could have been her MIL. MIL was impressed.
I feel that everything I tried to protect my marriage from has been unraveled.
Protection from infidelity - gone Protection from previous OW - gone Protection of my family from previous OW - gone Protection of my children from emotional pain - gone Protection from my emotional pain - gone Protection from abandonment - gone Protection from infidelity again - gone
Hi vge, Protection, like control is just an illusion. You can NEVER protect yourself from those things simply because you have no control what so ever over the thoughts or actions of others. This is something all us LBS's learn the hard way. What you had was never totally in your control because there is more than one person involved. Yes, it was someone who you loved and trusted and believed loved and trusted you in return. It is time to realize that the ONLY thing you can control are your own thoughts and actions. You need to find your inner strength and decide who and what YOU want to be. You owe it to yourself and your kids.
I know this is hard. You will have ups and downs, highs and lows but as long as you keep moving forward you will find that it gets easier. As for money right now, if you have been a stay at home mom for so many years, surely you are entitled to some support, no? At least until you can find a way to get on your feet. This will give you time to think about what you WANT to do.
Hang in there, vge. You can get through this and come out stronger but it will take time and effort. We are here for you, use us as a sounding board, to get things off your mind and ideas. We are on your side so you are not alone!
vge - I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I too have been a SAHM and have been dealing with a lot of economic worries. It has helped me tremendously to set some time away each day and accomplish one or two things. It can be something small like asking a friend to keep their ears open for any job openings or just doing 20 minutes of research about training programs at the community college. The idea is to start small and then add a little every day. Staying focused on what you can do is a good distraction.
As time has progressed I have had to accept that the man I married does not exist and he may never come back. Just typing those words makes me teary but it is the situation. I am scared to death but in a weird way I am feeling stronger as time goes on.
I have many worries but if I focus on myself and my girls I find we are fairly happy. We laugh and we love each other. Honestly I would rather be me than H.
I am sending you prayers and all my support. I wish we didn't belong to this club together. There are far too many of us but you can do this vge! Have faith and stay strong and focused. You are not alone.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. Especially the words of truth.
Thank you Matt165 - My life has changed and I do have anxiety, worry, fear which I know cannot co exist with FAITH. I have been looking for a job and hopefully will get something soon. I will look forward and not back. I don't like this ride.
Thank you 123Gwen - I'm sorry you are in this club too. Thank you for your prayers. I'll pray for you too. This is soo hard. I must have Faith in God and trust HIM completely. Let Go (my illusion of control) and Let God (He wants me to let go cuz I keep getting in the way).
Right now, my DH is trying to spend more time than ever with our children. They really don't want to be around him. I almost have to force our children to go with dad. They all feel awkward with this whole situation. They love him but don't like who he is right now.
My DH said they really need to get over it if they don't want to see him. He thinks I'm telling them not to go with dad or manipulate the situation but I don't. I told our children that their dad loves them and does want to spend time with them. I said you have my blessing to be with your dad. It's okay. One of our children said, "how come he didn't spend all this time with us when he lived here?" They see it, they feel it but they don't say anything for fear of making him angry. What do I say?
Thanks for this sounding board. It helps so much. All of you are so wonderful and encouraging. Thank you.
Question - should I go to a lawyer even though I just want to wait and see if my DH comes back?
It is critical that you see an Attorney ASAP if only to know your rights. You have no idea what the future may hold and you need to take care of yourself and your children.
VGE - Please, please see an attorney. This is simply being a responsible adult should the worst happen. You need to understand that addressing the financial business of your marriage has nothing to do with the emotional side of things. If you do not prepare properly you may never recover.
Up until a few months ago I would have never dreamed my H would be dishonest or unethical. He has become a stranger overnight. The fact is he is not someone I recognize and the man I married may never return. I am floored at how he has cleared out accounts and lied so easily. As each day passes I am realizing that I am completely on my own with my girls.
You are not being vindictive or vengeful by trying to survive. Please do as my research as you can to protect yourself financially. This may be a long toad and DBusting is all about self preservation.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Many lawyers will give you a free initial consultation, so check out 3-7, just you know YOUR rights in your state.
And the difference between lawyers is amazing, I'm glad I talked to 5.
This is critical...please do this, ASAP... I am so glad I did early in my sitch, it helped guide my stand, knowing the legal realities, and now the divorce.
Knowledge is power, and control of your life.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
ok. thank you for your advice. I am so freaked out about doing this but something tells me that he may have done a lawyer visit too. I'm not sure but I don't know what a lawyer may tell him or what he even said to them.
I don't know who he is so I really don't know what he's doing or what he's expecting.
He asked to see our children for thanksgiving and though I had plans with them all day to visit my family, I said ok. So he picked them up in the late afternoon. I found out that he'd been at his relatives house since early morning helping with the Thanksgiving preparations. I didn't expect that.?I thought maybe he'd be spending time with someone else or even take the children to see the OP. I expected the worst but praise GOD, it was just relatives.
He never told me when he would drop them back off nor did I ask. I didn't want to push it. So he had his mother bring three of our children home around 10:30p then he took our oldest to a restaurant to listen to a musician friend play. He dropped him off at midnight, I never received a phone call or text of what his plans were.
So as analytical as I am, I thought, maybe he did talk to an atty and maybe the atty kinda mentioned the impact of a D. My SIL said that he seemed really sad on Thanksgiving. She also mentioned that I was invited and everyone missed me. I just said that I know my DH didn't want me there and didn't want to make him angry. Maybe I should have gone there since it's not his house and his uncle is the one who extended the invitation not my DH or my MIL. I don't know what to do or say.
On another note, my cancer is back. It's in my spine now and I'm scheduled to get a biopsy this week. UGH!!
I don't know if I should tell him or not since I'm on his insurance and don't know what the future holds - medically.
Anyway, prayers please. I want to be here for my children and just pray for mercy, hope and love.
thank you. yes I'm learning a lot. And so far I find the paths were are all on are the same - confusing and hurtful.
Today, our youngest child tells me that they went to the movies and saw a scary movie at the dollar theatre. It was such a scary movie, that my child hated even seeing the previews on tv. At first, my child said they had gone to eat then were going to see that scary movie but then decided to see "Penguins" again.
I was confused because they my DH just took all our children to see it last week. So I asked if that was the truth. My child said yes but then after bath time, my child started crying saying that Dad told him "not to tell Mom about going to the scary movie."
So I was twice as upset,because our other child (9) had gone to the movies yesterday with "dad" and they say a rated R movie. Our 9 yr old said that the rated R movie wasn't bad cuz all it had was curse words". I'm upset at my DH who should know better.
Without thinking or praying first, I sent the following text msg.
"I need to talk to you about the movies you took our children to,,, they are too young for rated R movies."
It was late, I didn't expect to receive a response since my DH goes to work really early. But I thought about the tone of the text waas being preachy or questioning his parenting. I know he doesn't want me to tell him anything about anything but I really was not pleased.
Anyway, an hour later, I text the following message...
"I know our children enjoy going to the movies with you. I was just wondering if there was any other activity that y'all might enjoy if the selection of movies is limited. Like when you took "AL" to Six Flags today. "AL" loved it. Thank you."
So I'm trying not to push his buttons or make him angry. I don't want to start something. I really just was upset that he knows that has always been an issue in our home about certain shows and movies. DH really doesn't see anything wrong with it. Justifying that the kids know its not real, or they're gonna see it in the real world,etc.
I don't know what to say or not to say. Holding my tongue I know is probably the best thing right now cuz who knows what will come out.
But when can TRUTH be spoken?
No one says anything. No one says this is wrong. What you're doing is wrong.
We're all on standby while this person just goes on "happily" and we're all left wondering when will this pain stop being inflicted. When can we really talk with the real person in that MLC or affair fog.
Sorry, I just want some feedback about my text. Did it come across as preachy or with a condescending tone?
Thanks to all you for listening to my rambling.
In His Love
vge1
Romans 8:28
bTW - still waiting for my bone cancer biopsy to be scheduled. Obviously this stress doesn't help.
Vge1 - I am no expert, I am sure they will be following along behind me shortly, but you asked for feedback, so here is mine -
IMO I would not send texts or emails in the evening - been there, done that, got the bruised ego to prove it. Emotions have been building all day so the evening becomes a dangerous time for saying or doing things we later regret. Write it by all means, but don't send it until the morning - if you still feel its what you want to say after sleeping on it then go ahead - If you're not sure, then post it on here and ask for feedback -
I do agree with you that your H should not be taking your kids to movies which are not appropriate to their age - So I get that you were not happy, I wouldn't have been either, especially as its was you who had to deal with the after effects.
Your second text - I did not quite get what you were wanting - it came across to me that you are telling your H what to do with HIS children when HE has them - that is you trying to control him ...not a good idea and you will not get a good result from it.
[quote vge1]We're all on standby while this person just goes on "happily" and we're all left wondering when will this pain stop being inflicted. When can we really talk with the real person in that MLC or affair fog [quote]
- not quite sure what happened to the quote ... techno = useless
I can't speak for anyone else, but I am certainly not on standby (thanks to the wonderful guys and gals here), you will read time again about GAL, taking control of you, moving forwards without H.
This is an area that I am working really hard on and although the inner me (which is a mass of raw emotions) has not caught up with the outer me yet (GAL- in my case a crazy bucket list), one day I know the two will be in sync and I will be whole again. This does not mean I have given up on my m, far from it, it means I am putting myself first, building new solid foundations and taking back control of my own life, thoughts, needs and desires. IF my h wakes from his MLC and wants to reconcile, I will be the one deciding if I want him back in my life. bOOYAH
There are no guarantees with this MLC minefield, its the sad reality - harsh but true. So leave H to his new world and start focusing on you and your beautiful kids.
vge1 - I know this is hard, its painful beyond anything imaginable, its frustrating, confusing and sad. I really feel for you. I am walking along side you too and every day is a challenge, but every day you get through is a day closer to happiness - with or without h.
Hang on in there, it does get better. Read up on MLC as much as you can, it will give you a better understanding of why you are not able to see the "real person" at this time. You are stronger than you think, have faith.
I haven’t done this in a long time so please forgive me if I jump around a bit…
I applaud your faith. I too have a very strong faith in the power of prayer and God and whatnot…
Something I learned through this process, and trust me, it was a difficult thing to learn as well as something that rocked my faith briefly…
What WE want and picture as “the plan” and pray for…is often NOT what God’s plan looks like for us.
Often His plan is very different from ours and when we pray for specifics of what we want (example, I want my husband to return, whole, happy, healthy, with a desire to be a part of this marriage) we are trying to control God and the outcome of the situation. We are not truly leaving it up to him.
And if we remain hung up in the specifics, we run the risk of missing out on what he actually has planned for us.
I spent about two years praying for a softened heart, eyes open, for my H to become a changed man and return to us…
And I spent most of those same two years on the verge of tears, waiting for the mess to end, waiting to see the answers to my prayers. God threw me a curve ball and I had a cancer scare that changed my focus for a bit, because I had to focus on becoming healthy. Once it was over, I was right back to the same waiting pattern…
Which was NOT where He wanted me to be.
I had a lightbulb moment one day, after some very nasty spewing and stuff and I suddenly came to understand the meaning of the Lord’s Prayer. Something I had been reciting like a robot for over 30 years. (and why shouldn’t I? The Church had me memorize it when I was small, it is part of the Rosary, blah blah blah) They never actually taught me what it really meant though.
What stuck out to me the most…”thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven”
His will. Not MY will.
After that, my prayers changed…
I began asking for changes in me. For Him to show me who He wanted me to be. For my heart to be softened. For someone in my life to fit with what He wanted for me.
Things began to look different for me after that. I began to see things that I wanted coming into my life. Things that I had always thought would simply be dreams because it wasn’t what my H wanted.
My marriage was not reconciled. However my X and I have the kind of friendship now that we never had when we were married.
Now, many years later, I live where I always dreamed I would. In the country, surrounded by nature and beauty. I step out onto the porch in the morning and I see birds and animals. I come home at night to a man who is happy to see me because he is happy to see me. Someone who finds the same peace that I do in our home and our life.
My life now, is not what I was originally asking for when I began this journey. However I do believe that it is exactly where I am supposed to be.
And it is not where I would have ended up if I had not truly given things over to God.
You are, right now, exactly where He wants you to be.
You found this place, while you were looking for the magic pill to fix your marriage. There is no “magic pill” unfortunately. However you have the tool box right in front of you, if you choose to use it.
Goatgal is right in pushing you to change your focus a bit. Wanting to know what your 180’s and GAL activities are. It may not seem right to you at the moment and it is scary to have to look at those things, but I promise you, it is what is necessary.
I cannot promise you a reconciled marriage. No one here, in the Church, coaching, counseling, or anywhere can promise you that.
I can promise you a happy life if you choose to take the steps. To look forward instead of in the rearview mirror.
Your H may come home or he may not.
He almost certainly won’t return to what he left though.
You said you look at the 180 list and believe you are doing everything on it. I honestly am not sure what list you are talking about. DB gives us ideas but it isn’t a step by step instruction manual.
I would like you to look at your interactions about the movies….
Tell me exactly what you believe was wrong with what your H did and what was preachy about how you handled it, with your kids and your H, and we can go from there…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Thank you for the feedback LouR and cat04. I know I did text without thinking or praying about it. I was afraid that it would have come across as a lecture about what he should do with our children when they spend time with him. UGH!
I spoke with a friend today and brought about these texts and sure enough - it sounds controlling - again. Way to go huh?
Learning as I go.
- My DH never asked me to stop being me so I really struggle on the GAL part since I thought that I've been doing that even in our marriage. My DH never prohibited or controlled me if I wanted to pursue a goal or an activity. He would encourage it. So I feel lost in this space.
I'm trying to not be the person he left. What is my 180????
cat04 - the movie thing was more about the consequences of our youngest watching a scary movie - nightmares which did happen last night. But it was more about my DH telling our child to lie about the movie. That's more of the issue. I don't even know if I should bring this whole topic up to him when he comes to pick up the children for a visit. BTW - DH never responded to the texts. Didn't really expect him too.
So - I know it's scary out there - I don't like it. sometimes I feel really strong and have a hold on my emotions and other times I just hurt - a lot. I do appreciate this forum since I feel supported and y'all give great advice from your experiences.
God is really good about having people come along side and help during times when you feel the most alone. I thank HIM for HIS mercy. The friends I have and the new friends I am meeting are incredible in their support.Thank you Jesus. He is my ROCK. So now that I'm in this place that I didn't think I'd ever be in -hmm???!!
My prayers are really for softening of my heart and for wisdom and discernment. I really want God to lead me and for me not try to control everything. Like I said - I'm learning as I go. Refining is painful but I know the Reward is GREAT!
- My DH never asked me to stop being me so I really struggle on the GAL part since I thought that I've been doing that even in our marriage. My DH never prohibited or controlled me if I wanted to pursue a goal or an activity. He would encourage it. So I feel lost in this space.
I'm trying to not be the person he left. What is my 180????
Only make changes to yourself that you want, not changes that you feel h wants to see - GAL is not about what you can do to get h back, its about moving forwards to a more happier and contented you.
This is now about empowering you. How about trying something new - does your church offer programmes or classes that you could try out.
Do you exercise ? Exercise releases endorphins, the feel good factor - and its free and you get fit -win win :o) I walk everyday - I also turn the music up loud and dance about the house when I do housework .... keeps the neighbours occupied ha ha.
I know this is all so hard to get your head around. I am new to all this too; take one day at a time - we can walk this journey together. ((hugs))
I agree with everything Lou said. I am also new to this vge and it is so much to process.
You must focus on taking care of yourself and feeling good about who you are. DBing is all about improving yourself for yourself. Hopefully when you make those improvements and feel stronger. If H decides to return then everyone is happy but if not you are well on your way to a beautiful bew life even if it is not exactly how you planned.
I know this all sounds logical but actually doing these things takes time and patience and faith. It has not been a straight path for me. I jump ahead then fall back. I zig and I zag. I am still very emotional but I don't feel like I can't breathe anymore. It is getting better and it will get better for you too.
(((Hugs)))
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
cat04 - ??? no. I dont watch those shows. I think I watched them off and on but never really a fan. Why?
123Gwen and LouR - I know I'm so confused.
One of my friends suggest I give him a deadline like - "so do you plan on coming back? If you are still thinking about it, then I need to know by xxxx (date). Can you give me your lawyer's name and number? That way my lawyer can talk to yours.?"
UGH! I don't want to do that. I don't know what he's doing or what his plan is so I know my friends are afraid that I'm living in limbo just waiting to see what he does.
I do workout, eat right and involved in church but I want my children to be protected so I am looking for legal advice
I am looking for lawyers - what a mess!!!
I still don't have a job, he's still allowing his paycheck to be deposited into our acct and I pay the bills right away. I still homeschool our children and I'm still undergoing tests for my bone cancer so I'm focused on these things now.
I'm NOT afraid that he won't come back. I'm just trying to figure out Plan B.
I'm afraid that we'll lose the house, I'm afraid that the support won't be enough, I'm afraid to be taken.
Anyway, I asked our oldest child how do they feel? What if Daddy doesn't come back? What if I file for D - how would you feel?
The response was kinda what I expected. They aren't pleased the way my DH is treating me - rude, stoic, resistant to answer basic questions, etc. My children don't recognize him as my DH and the way he's acting is so different. My child said don't wait forever...so I asked what's too long for you? they said - can you give it a year?
That's kinda my plan - a year and just watch and wait. In the meantime, I'm not putting my life on hold - I am living a life though it isn't much different than when my DH was here. Looking for stuff to do just I don't want to use the money that's coming into our acct (i.e. his paycheck) to be frivolous spending. He's using the acct too but he uses it for basic things like taking our children out, gas, automotive expenses (oil change, etc.)and nothing is really unusual.
So - how long do y'all plan on waiting before you think of filing a D? I know everyone's path is different but are you waiting for a sign that they may come back? What do your children say?
One of my friends suggest I give him a deadline like - "so do you plan on coming back? If you are still thinking about it, then I need to know by xxxx (date).
Personally, I wouldn't do this. It is pressure.
Just my two cents.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Plus giving h a date is keeping you hanging on and waiting for him. All that time you wont be moving forwards with your own life - and if you are going to say to me " no, I will continue on with my life as if he isn't coming back" then why do you need to give him the date? - just get on with life and IF he decides to come back your way then great, if not then you will be in a better place in your life to be ok with it.
D for some is sadly an ugly necessary - if its meant to be then you can remarry - You need to try accept that this may be a long process for h, there is no definite timeline ....... every MLC'er is different.
Your friends are well meaning but what are they basing their opinions on - have they had a MLc'er too?
6mths on for me - I am doing much better than I was 6 months ago - my friends see it more than I do, so I periodically re read my journals and yes, I can see i am not the mess I was. I have been occasionally known to laugh and smile now which I never thought I would ever do again.
I have not given up hope that my h will one day come back my way, I still love him ... but having said that both of us are going in different directions now, I am growing and he is, well, who knows what he is doing ..... 6 months ago I was die hard, want him back at any cost - now hmmmmmm sitting on the fence. I would not be doing the things I am, met the people I have and becoming the person I am if we were together - ask me the same question in another 6 months ....
I agree that friends are well meaning but its not their life.. they just have suggestions. This MLC is not familiar with many of my friends. They just see one thing - he's not doing what a H should be doing so they suggest playing hard ball.
I am not like that at all. I'm not a doormat either. This timeline pressure is too sudden for me. I still love him. I don't want a D.
Now . ... I am looking at plan B and hope he will join me and our children but if not, that's ok too. Still hurts though.
"If I can take it... I can make it." (Got that from the new movie coming out called Unbroken.)
Y'all are wise folks and I appreciate your insights and advice. Praise God for this forum.
You sound like you are a grounded lady :o) and your faith keeps you strong.
Any advise from me is just my personal opinion, I am no expert in this minefield that we have found ourselves in, I just roll along learning as I go. I can only tell you about my experiences - I have done nearly all the wrong things to do; but thanks to the advise from here and my Dr (who has been fantastic) I am trying to do the right things now ....
I know it hurts - I feel your pain, I really do. If another person says "its time" I will scream - but reality is -- and yep, I'm gonna say those dreaded words - it is time and I think for us newbies we expect far to much to quickly ...I know I did - came back down to earth with a big bump!
cat04 - ??? no. I dont watch those shows. I think I watched them off and on but never really a fan. Why?
123Gwen and LouR - I know I'm so confused.
One of my friends suggest I give him a deadline like - "so do you plan on coming back? If you are still thinking about it, then I need to know by xxxx (date). Can you give me your lawyer's name and number? That way my lawyer can talk to yours.?"
Hey vge, you had posted on my thread ... took me a bit but I have caught up on your sitch and ... well I am no vet but I have earned a stripe or two in the MLC Brigade. Maybe the lessons I have learned .. you can use as your sitch is relatively new.
So .. the one thing I have figured out the hard way .. nothing gets a MLC to run in the tunnel faster than pressure ... this can come in all forms. And reading ... you are applying it a bit. ^^ The deadline .... Nope, I did that in my head, only set me up for a spin. Read here long enough and you will soon start realizing .... this MLC thing, its a LOOOONG hard ride and even when its over there is no guarantee you will end up at Disneyland.
The MLC can smell Judgement a mile away, steer clear from correcting him. Lies ... he will lie ... just accept it .. "Believe nothing of what he says and 50% of what he does ring a bell? Its the truth .. honestly that 50% could easily be 25%. Vge ... trifecta .. GAL, 180, PMA ... little more advice ... I get you share with your Christian sisters, they will never understand this, no one seems to. I pray for reconciliation, I do not share all the horrible things she has done, it will only get you the "Are you crazy, pack up and move" on eyes. I recall DB/DR touches on this.
Originally Posted By: vge1
Anyway, I asked our oldest child how do they feel? What if Daddy doesn't come back? What if I file for D - how would you feel?
The response was kinda what I expected. They aren't pleased the way my DH is treating me - rude, stoic, resistant to answer basic questions, etc. My children don't recognize him as my DH and the way he's acting is so different. My child said don't wait forever...so I asked what's too long for you? they said - can you give it a year?
Careful here ... its easy to get the kids to take your side, you are the victim, believe me I have caught myself on this. S wants to be a family, I told him I love him, his mom loves him ... thats it ... HE asks about OM, I tell him we can not control what she does, just pray for her ... leave them to their emotions ... and let your H figure out his relationships with them
Originally Posted By: vge1
That's kinda my plan - a year and just watch and wait. In the meantime, I'm not putting my life on hold - I am living a life though it isn't much different than when my DH was here. Looking for stuff to do just I don't want to use the money that's coming into our acct (i.e. his paycheck) to be frivolous spending. He's using the acct too but he uses it for basic things like taking our children out, gas, automotive expenses (oil change, etc.)and nothing is really unusual.
GAL ... YES! Deadline ... I would just erase that, reading, you are spiritual, God will guide you on this. Myself I said a year too ... the year came up and I got all sorts of huffy and threw a fit, I was not done nor where I wanted to be ... but ya know what ... I am in a better place a year later and I know I still have work to do. W is just STARTING a tiny bit to do some of the work .. could be another year, maybe 2,3,4 ... who knows. As of right now ... I still want my M.
Originally Posted By: vge1
So - how long do y'all plan on waiting before you think of filing a D? I know everyone's path is different but are you waiting for a sign that they may come back? What do your children say?
What does life look like in 6 months for you?
I'm just praying for wisdom.
In His Love
VGE1
Romans 8:28
Personally ... in my case I found God.. well he bear-hugged me back in late January .... Mark 10:9, I do not see myself ever filing, if she wants that bad enough... she can file, I will not help her in this matter. MLC'rs will blame you for everything ... I hate to say this .. but get ready, this will test everything about you. Fortunately you found this place relitively fast ... I was late getting this amazing help here .. about 8 months after BD, realized I have only been here 4 1/2 months, not that it would have brought my MLC'r to light, but I would have been stronger faster ... and VGE that is the secret .. its not about your H, its about you, you have a journey of your own to complete. Focus on that ... .let him be, detach, don't text him, let him breathe and start missing you ... you've got this.
Thank you LouR and CaliGuy. I'm encouraged by your thoughts and words.
I am still confused and sad that this MLC stuff isn't going faster. Geez..It's only been about 7 weeks but feels like forever, so I commend all of your patience. I'm really trying hard not to pressure or bother him at all. It's one of those one step forward but two steps back. I don't think he misses me AT ALL! That hurts.
A few weeks ago, I had lunch with a friend that had recommended I speak with a lawyer friend of hers. Well, we had missed each others phone calls until today.
You know, as much as I hope our marriage works toward reconciliation and love, I just feel he won't come back. As I mentioned, I know it's only been several weeks so I can't imagine how y'all feel.
Anyway, I spoke to this lawyer to get some advice...YUCK!!!!
I don't like it. She was really "highly advising that I file first sooner than later to protect myself and my children, especially because of my health" .
My heart was hurting to hear this..I really don't have peace about this. I don't want to file. I want to be able to be a family again. I just got scared when she said I needed to file first to protect myself instead of waiting for him to file. Does it matter?
I'm just letting go slowly. Letting go of my marriage and placing it at God's altar, so that if the Lord wants us to reconcile or not - it'll be at the Lord's prompting and timing. I want to be sure I'm hearing His voice and pray He'll lead me where He wants me to be.
I'm realizing many things about myself and I know I won't be the same after this. whatever the outcome. I just pray for all your marriages - May God bless y'all with wisdom and discernment.
So My DH called about Christmas? Well, I offered Christmas Eve (all day and evening) he asked what time do you want them back? I said maybe about 10p cuz I'm thinking about taking them to a service but not sure...He then said he wanted to take them to midnight mass.
HUH??? It's been a while since we've been to the midnight mass. I really wanted them back early so that we could go to mass on Christmas Day.
So I said well what are your plans and he threw it back at me to ask what plans do I have? We did this little question dance a few times when he said he didn't really have any plans (except midnight mass when I mentioned that I wanted to take them to a svc}I think he wanted to have them only Christmas Eve at night and maybe have them spend the night but he never said anything. I'm just guessing. I think we're both trying to be " nice " to one another so neither of us seem to be the mean one. I don't know...totally guessing. Don't care just want him to tell me what he wants then I can respond. but he's been like this - he gives me the decision making so he looks like the martyr that just gives in and I look like I'm the ogre cuz I made a decision.
So again, I said he can have Christmas Eve and I'll take Christmas Day - if that's okay. We ended the conversation with "we'll think about it and we'll see what stuff is planned with his family before we commit to days."
Holidays are tough for everyone involved. How do y'all do it?
Oh vge - I am so sorry you find yourself going through this - we never signed up for this - I am pretty sure it wasn't in our vows - I take you, craziness and all ...
I can't comment on your d questions - I have different laws to you in the US. I have to be sep for 2yrs before we can d, no exceptions. We could have a sep agreement to sort out financial and child related issues, but in my case we have nothing to sort out.
However, in saying that to you - Don't naturally presume that just because your h is being all nicey nicey about things now, that he will continue to do so. Seeing a lawyer is about you protecting yourself and your children, its important that you are left secure. Do you need to pursue a d to make that happen? What are your options?
I am sure a vet will come along shortly with advise about c/mas - this is my first and I am in a different sitch to you, so I really have no idea how the sharing kids works - sorry. I hope you can come to a suitable arrangement for you, h and your kids.
Vge I agree with everything Lou said. Luckily I live in a state that recognizes legal seperation. That means we can sign a seperation agreement that will handle custody, property, spousal and child support as if we are divorced but it is not actually being divorced. Simply put, I never have to file for D if I don't want to but H can if he decides to after the waiting period. Seperation is a good option if you hope for R or object to D for religious reasons. Not every state recognizes them but fortunately I live in a state that does.
Vge you are all so new to the and I am not far behind you. I do understand that things are difficult to process. I am glad you talked to an attorney. I talked to three before I found someone who wasn't just interested in making money. My attorney is young and costs less but his boss is extremely respected in family law. I like using my younger attorney right now because he is reasonable BUT if things change I have another more expensive option to take to trial.
I know this is a lot but what I've learned is this is ALL on you. It is hard to hear and it hurts your soul but you must make decisions as if your H is not coming back. What really helped me is I look at my marriage as having two parts - emotional and business. The business part of things can't wait. Life is about surviving this with a roof over your head and food in the fridge. The children need to see they can count on you to take care of the business of life. This is not an option. Health insurance is not an option. Be calm. Be collected but take care of business. God does not want you to ignore this.
As for the emotional side of my marriage. I am still grieving and that will take a lot longer. I pray every day. I am trying not to focus on anything negative and only embracing the positive things as I tackle my emotions. Right now I don't think I will ever file for D. I wear my rings every day. In my heart I am married.
The beautiful result of all of this is that the more I take care to protect myself on the business side of my marriage the stronger I feel about working through my emotions. It is slow going but the waiting is not an option. The fact is with MLC your H is not the man you knew. I wish it were different vge but they morph into someone different and your best chance to survive all of this is to take care of you and your children.
It just was what helped me. When dealing with H it is business. sorry to sound preachy but I know you can do this. Read everything you can about the laws in your state. Hire an attorney that you like. This one may not be the right one for you but don't sit and wait. Your H is counting on you to let him call all the shots. You have a voice too.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I live in a state where there is no legal separation just D. I think the only waiting period would be 1 year and that's only in a fault D (i.e. abandonment, adultery, abuse, etc.) . The period of a no fault D is much shorter like 60 days or something like that.
I will be looking at other attorneys but I know they'll all see it as $$. I don't have that. I know I need to protect myself and the children but it would require a filing - which I don't want to do.
Man, oh man, this is tough. Talk about stretching beyond hurt.
123Gwen - I'm glad you were able to find an atty that you like and have the means to hire someone else if you need to. Your business acumen is coming in handy and I admire your level of commitment to your marriage and children. I'm with you on the emotional side. It's the business side I'm trying to figure out.
LouR - hang in there. This roller coaster should be shut down since it hurts and makes us sick. I know we'll all be the better from this.I know his nicey things are taken with a grain of salt. The 2 yr waiting period in your state I think is helpful for you. A cooling off period. Do they require you go to counseling or a marriage retreat or something?
Anyway - DH called to say he wants the children Christmas Eve -Day then he'll drop them off around 4p then he'll pick them up on Christmas day around 4p til 10p. Weird?! I really don't know what he or his family have planned. I figured he'd spend the time at his aunts home since we had Christmas Eve there last year. I thought having one whole day would be easier than this but oh well - I guess he doesn't plan on church with them.
Gwen gave some good advise. I like the business/emotional way to look at things.
I currently live in NZ, the 2yr sep time only states that we can have no longer than a 3 month reconcile time within the sep period before it starts again. It does not require any counselling or interaction between parties - tbh counselling with a MLC'er would be futile; forcing them to do something they don't want to do will make them run faster. Plus they are not the same person now, they think differently, they live in a blinkered world of false reality - they need to go and work through this on their own.
I am about to move to the UK for a while, they have different laws, my h could file under their laws once I am a resident again (I am british), but he would have to admit to adultery or abandonment, plus he can't afford an atty right now, so I don't think he will.
I can apply for legal aid to pay for it as I have low income - plus in the UK I can apply for him to pay my costs if HE is the one that files!
I wear my ring on the other hand - one day it might go back where it belongs, until then it is separated from where it should be.
vge - I really understand what you are feeling; it is painful and hard. But the strength to find your way is inside of you - As i understand it, god is not about giving you the answer on a plate, he is about giving you the strength, understanding and love to be the best you can be and the ability to find the answers you seek within the world around you.
Anywhoo - hope you are having a good day .... they do happen :o) ((hugs))
I'm freaking out now. I just looked on the county clerks office to check if my DH has filed for D. The atty I spoke with suggested that I look on public record to check if he had done anything. Well, I checked yesterday and nothing was there.
Then today - there it is.... He filed!
I'm freaking out!!
Now I am having to do what I don't want to do. i don't want a divorce. Lord help us!
I meet with the lawyer tomorrow. Praying for God's wisdom and discernment.
I placed my marriage and family at God's altar and I know God has a reason. Just that my human side is so deeply hurt and saddened.
Our children are beyond sad. They are hurt and angry and for the first time, our youngest child said they don't want to go with daddy cuz they're angry.
Breaking my heart. I just keep telling them to love Dad. Believe God has GREAT plans for us even if this isn't our plan...God's plan is better.
Vge - I am so sorry. I want you to remember that a civil D is not the end of your marriage before God. You need to put your emotions aside as best you can and take care of business. Do not delay. How you handle yourself in the next few weeks is important no matter what happens. You have an opportunity to let this situation "make you or break you." God gave us free will and he does not want you broken.
You can't make H stop a D. What you can do is use the DBusting techniques to build yourself up during this time. Perhaps H will take notice and that would be wonderful BUT if he doesn't that is ok.
VGE1 - a civil D can also mean a civil remarriage. This stinks but it is true. You can't let fear stop you from confronting this truth. You need to let God work through you by working on taking care of yourself and your children. You can get through this.
Keep reading. Keep praying but also make a list of action items. You can survive this. I know you can get through this.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen said what I would have. Until you know his terms its hard to know which way this is going to go. Your lawyer will be able to advise you on what you need to do next.
You have us all behind you. Keep focus on what is best for you and your girls right now, the past has gone and the future has not happened yet -
I appreciate your support and so appreciate this forum. I know the Lord has led me this way to be encouraged.
Yeah, I am still in shock. I just can't believe it. What is the hurry? I can only guess OW. Nothing confirmed or proven.
As I went to the atty office, it was such a blur. Signing papers to hire an atty and pay a retainer..$$$ ugh! and still no news about my cancer - I should get that info tomorrow. Probably at the same time as the papers. Wah!
So Where did he get the $$? I think it came from his mom and/or dad. That hurts! If they didn't give him $ then maybe the OW.
Who knows where the money came from but it matters to me. If it was his parents - I am doubly hurt and disappointed. To encourage such a devastating blow to me and especially to their grandchildren.
But if the money came from the OW -- then are they trying to rush this to get married even though he told me he would never marry again. Or maybe he doesn't want to be sneaking around anymore.
I just can't imagine what he's thinking. When he had the last affair 4 years ago - he was so remorseful. I really did see sorrow, regret and pain in his heart. I thought we worked so hard to save our marriage. All he kept saying was - Our marriage is stronger than ever! Almost boasting. What is he thinking now? What is he telling people?
Anyway, so many emotions and questions right now. I am so hurt.
I pray for y'all. May God give y'all strength and hope.
Spoke to DH last night cuz we had a plumbing issue but I think I fixed it. So far so good.
Anyway, during the conversation about the plumbing, my DH mentioned that his atty received my atty's response to the petition. I really don't want to hurt him. I do love him. D is so sad and painful. UGH!!!
My DH started to cry...hard. He said he didn't want me to die. He said, that I am a good mom and good wife. He was shocked that I hadn't told him about my cancer returning. I told him that it's still in the testing stage cuz I still need more tests.
He then said that my atty's response was not nice. He was sad that it mentioned the adultery from 4 yrs ago and that he was sorry about that. But he just kept saying that it isn't about the money, he wants our children to have everything they need.
He also mentioned that we just don't work as a couple. He said we tried and kept having the same R convo every few months.He said there is no OW and that everyone can check his phone and they wouldn't find anything. He repeated this a few times that he didn't leave me for another woman. He just was depressed at our home. this makes me sad. I really didn't cry. I felt I handled it okay. (though I was screaming inside - where is my DH - I want that person)
I told him that I thank him for the gift of time. Time to reflect on me and who I am. He was happy that I am going out with my friends and doing things.
The entire convo I kept wanting to say - We can avoid all this time, money and pain if you would just come home.but I didn't say anything.
All I said was that I loved him and the boys miss him. I still want them to go to some kind of counseling.
The conversation ended when I told him that I'd keep him posted with my medical issue and about the plumbing.
At this moment - I really don't know what to feel..I'm confused. I love him but the way he is now is not the husband I know and love. He was all over the place when we were talking...loving then stoic, then hurt then stern.
Praying for wisdom and discernment. Praying for strength. Praying for a job.
I'm terribly sorry you find yourself here. You've received some great advice. It is such a crazy time of year and I can only imagine the stress compounded by health concerns. I do hope you get good results from your testing.
I am not religious, however I am spiritual. I commend and admire your faith and encourage you to protect yourself and children. Your h may not have liked your attorney's response , however D is a business transaction. Doesn't sound very romantic does it? Sorry to frame it that way although that's what it is.
That being said, make changes for you. We all have things we need improve upon that can help us with ALL Rs in our lives- whether it's with spouses, friends, family, or work Rs. Please don't allow this time to pass without looking at your own behaviors and hopes. It can be difficult (said woman jumping up and down and flapping her arms!!:)
I caution you to involve your children too much in questioning your h's decision. Your kids will figure it out. My kids are in therapy ( please don't be discouraged by that) and we had a breakthrough today after 10 months. Let him navigate his R with the kids.
You asked what 6 months out looks like? I'm at a year and I will give you the most candid response I can. The last year has been the most challenging of my life and it may have been the best. I laughed more than ever and cried some as well (rare for me). However, I'm blessed with 3 wonderful kids, great friends and fantastic family (I'm super close to xh's parents). I suppose there is much truth to that adage that life is what you make it.
Hang in there and take care of yourself :-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 12/17/1402:11 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Thanks for the advice Georgiabelle. I am focused on me and my children and our relationship with God.
So now my husband seems concerned about my health. He called today to ask how I was. He genuinely seemed concerned.
I told him my bone biopsy is tomorrow and he said that everyone is praying for me. I said, I appreciate that because prayers are definitely appreciated. He said to let him know if I need anything.
He went out with our children yesterday and they even noticed that he seemed more himself. My husband noticed too that all our children were nice and talkative and even laughed. It made him loosen up and just be with them.
I'm glad they all had a good time but I still want our children to attend some kind of counseling.
I pray for my health to be okay and pray my DH reconsiders the D.
Thanks to y'all, I have a place where all of y'all can relate to this sickening roller coaster ride. Y'all are so amazing.
I have been travelling so just caught up with your sitch. Good Luck with your biop, rest up plenty afterwards - its not the most comfortable of procedures ... When do you get the result?
You and your h have a lot of history together and you are the mother of his children so its only natural that he cares about you - but sadly I feel its only about you as a person and a friend at this stage.
I know how easy it is to start analyzing conversations and hang onto every word; we are looking for any little glimmer of hope. I am guilty of this and it is really hard to not do it. Try not to read anything into what he says or does ... keep expectations at zero - which I know is easier said than done.
You are doing so well, especially under the circumstances with your health. I hope it comes back good news and 2015 is the start of a wonderful new chapter for you.
Thanks LouR. I pray for healing but ultimately God is in control. I give it all to the Lord.
Yes, I believe my husband does care for me as a person but I hurt that it really isn't more than that. Believe nothing what he says and half of what he does. Wah!
I'm really looking at my future as one with just my children and me as a family and my husband on the outside. So sad.
I pray for you to LouR - you have great words of encouragement. Thank you. Keep y'all posted.
My SIL just came by to drop off some flowers since I had the biopsy yesterday - kinda sore.
Anyway, we talked for a while - random life stuff and about my cancer. Then she mentioned that she thinks my DH is still seeing that OW that was at his confirmation. I asked her why would she think that..well, turns out that he had "invited" the OW to our family tradition of attending a small town Christmas parade. Our children had been invited by my FIL but they didn't want to go. Thank Goodness!! I wonder if the OW would have been there had our children been there?!
My SIL was very upset and expressed her disapproval about this OW "friend" to my MIL. My MIL said that she didn't know that the other "friend" would be there.
My MIL keeps defending her son (my DH) that she told my SIL that she was being judgmental and it's just a friend.
I didn't know. I guessed and assumed but didn't know this OW was still in the picture. My SIL thought I knew that the OW was at the parade but I told her I didn't and I appreciate that she mentioned this to me.
I am hurt again. My SIL is as confused as I am. She doesn't recognize her brother. Nor do I. What's he thinking? Is he trying to rush the D cuz this OW is waiting? What a powerful woman.
I don't know what to feel or believe. He just mentioned that there isn't anyone else though I really can't say for sure.
I know I need to focus on my health but these emotions are constantly in my face.
Lord help me! Where is my husband - the one I fell in love with? Praying so much for wisdom and healing!
Hi vge, First, I'm praying your biopsy comes back neg. Not a good thing to have to go through any time, especially now.
Your convo with your H is very familiar. I had some just like that. He is all over the map but keep this in mind....he WILL lie, especially about things that put him in a bad light, like OW. To me the most dangerous part is I really think my W has started to believe her own lies. She lies about the past and convinces herself it's the truth, lies about what she said or did or didn't do. In my case my W has gone back 15-20 years to dredge up past hard times, seems fixated on them like they happened yesterday and ignores things that happened not long ago. I think it's a defense mechanism. They care about us as people, people that they shared a lifetime with but they also need someone to blame for their pain. My W says the most awful things, spews at me and then at the end of the convo says "I DO want you to be happy". It makes no sense to those of us who are thinking rationally. They are NOT thinking rationally.
The boundary with OW around the kids will be hard considering he isn't even willing to admit she is part of his life with you. All I can see happening is him saying there is no problem since there isn't OW even if there is. He may rationalize she isn't truly an OW if they aren't sleeping together....who knows what is going on in his head. You may not be able to stop him from having his "friend" around them. Unfair and wrong I know but you need to prepare yourself. In the end we can try to set what seem as reasonable boundaries but we really can't control what the MLCer does in the end.
The only person who you can control is YOU. Expect and prepare for the worst. Prepare in your own mind how you will handle things if H does have her around the kids. How will you react, how will you answer any questions they may have regarding her and their father. IMO that is the best you can do. I wish I had more or better advice. Good luck vge, you are in my prayers!
Thanks for your prayers Matt165. I pray for healing on all levels. Physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. These are rough waters so i know i should be holding onto The Rock.
I know i really can't control my husband but it saddens me that he's so blatant and ready to jump to the next level when he hasn't left this level. No regard for our children and how they feel.
They are quite upset because yesterday he took our youngest child to a Christmas party at a co-workers home then he took our child to the OW's hm.
Our child said daddy and the lady holding hands outside as they walked into the woods in her backyard "to go see the deer." late at night?? Anyway, when our other children found out, they all don't want to see daddy at Christmas. How do I respond to that??
I pray for you too Matt165. I appreciate the words of encouragement and especially the prayers. only God can heal us so we must trust Him.
Be sure to keep notes about each incident. Only facts, dates and times. It will help when you talk with your attorney. It may not be needed but you will regret it if you are asked about specific events and can't provide the answers. This also keeps your head clear about what is really going on.
Please be vigilant about things right now VGE. Observe, document and the. This is the important part....let it go. Matt is right. Job is right. Wonka is right. Lou is right. ----- you must focus on yourself and your children. Pray for H each day but then give ah up to God. This is crucial. This is not an option.
Take care of you VGE. Right now H is not your friend. Sorry to sound so preachy but you MUST do this so you are strong for the new year. Please, please don't lose focus. Your H is only trying to get what he wants right now and he will continue to zig and zag all over this place. He is incapable of being consistent about anything.
Sending you good thoughts and prayers. Take care of you VGE.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Vge1 - I know its really hard when it comes to the OW and your children - I have tried hard not influence my sx2 in what they think or feel about her or them as a couple - they need to make their own minds up.
I would try (and I know its really difficult) to sit on the fence when they ask questions about her - otherwise you are putting your children in the middle of a battle that is not theirs to fight.
Vge1 I really know how you feel - I am in inner turmoil myself that my sx2 are spending Christmas Day with my h and OW, it really grates on me that he can be so insensitive for our first christmas apart - but at the end of the day, I have no control over what he does with them and who he spends time with, so I need to suck it up and get on with it.
When do you get your biop results? I do hope you are recovering well. You are doing really well - stay focused on you, you deserve better.
Thank you LouR and 123Gwen. I needed the support today.
I haven't received the biopsy results yet. It's probably best that I don't have that yet til after the holidays. Trying to focus on my health and my children.
I feel so bad for my children. They are bombarded with all of this. I have a name of a therapist that I will be contacting after Christmas. They work with children going through this stuff. My children are really angry (especially my older ones) they don't want to be near him because they see how he talks to me and what he's doing.
Anyway, my H asked me if he could come by and pick up "some stuff". I said ok. he went straight to the garage and really took a lot of stuff. I asked our two oldest children to help Daddy pack and then they both said no - I realized that I should not have asked them to do this. I felt bad because they don't want to see this happen nor do they want to assist him leaving. I came to the garage and said the children don't want to help. H said fine - "that's ok. I don't expect them to. I deserve this anyway." He did ask if I wanted certain things and I would say yes or no.
I asked him about the OW. He denied it and I just said that the last thing our children need is someone new that they feel uncomfortable around. I asked if he was rushing this D to marry the OW or if the OW was pregnant. He said "No. I have lots of female friends, why don't we ask each one if they're pregnant." ??weird. I stopped.
He just kept saying that he wants nothing to complicate his life right now and that he is now finally thinking so clearly. He said his focus is on his children, his career, his fitness,himself. I also said that I can't believe that he's ok with the idea of some other man coming into my life and raising our children with me. H said, "someone is going to come into your life, sweep you off your feet and love you. I'm sure there are plenty of guys waiting til this whole thing is over to come in cuz you're hot. I thought about this and I accept that."???? Weird!
He then mentioned that he hadn't seen this OP since his confirmation, I said - "You're lying!" cuz I was thinking about that small town parade that he took her too but my SIL asked me not to say anything since this puts her in a weird position and right now, I feel she's my ally. He looked so angry and said - "When?" Then I mentioned the party (not the parade) and he said, fine..I won't have the children where it will look suspicious. He totally LIED! He was angry and defensive. I backed off but that set the tone. He was now officially upset and defensive.
He also said he attended some DivorceCare meetings even though it's not Catholic, he was quite specific that he is still Catholic. (I don't really care cuz that's his deal with God). I commended him for going to those meetings but I also mentioned that I know him and he tends to go to women and divulge everything instead of going to a counselor or priest or another guy. He stayed quiet. He left and has to come back for more stuff. BTW - while he was packing, I text my atty who called me back and told me to ask him to leave because he shouldn't be splitting the stuff til after the holidays. She really wanted me to be bold and strong and confront him. I just feel like a wimp. I want to say so much but I don't know what words to say. I pray all the time for the Lord to give me the words.
So, what did this conversation accomplish....it confirms that I am dealing with a liar, a deceiver, and a man I really don't know.
The children didn't even want to go with him today for Christmas because they noticed his demeanor with me. He never spoke to them when he was packing stuff. our youngest came out to give my H a Christmas cookie and H took it and thanked our child for the cookie. Later, our child said, "why was daddy so angry with you?" (we weren't arguing but I think he heard the tone of how my H was telling me stuff) So I just said - no, Daddy and I were fine.
Our children and I went to adoration (church). Our church was holding a praise and worship time with the youth ministry for the coming of Christmas. It was so beautiful. I just cried. The Lord has been so merciful. I pray for the Lord's guidance and protection for me and my children. Our children are really trying to hold it together. They struggle. I know I ask a lot from them - "Be nice to daddy." "Be good for Daddy." "Daddy is a good man and he loves y'all." They know he's lied to me and to them so it's hard for them. Praying!!
Keeping y'all posted. Divorce is horrible. I'd rather have my H NOT this person.
So what do you say to your 7 yr old child when they start crying because they just want to be a normal family? What do you say when they're crying cuz it hurts so much?
I've told our children that I don't understand what's going on and I don't have all the answers. I tell them that I love them. Daddy loves them and God loves them too.
This situation hurts so much. It hurts to hear your child cry over something they have no control over. Just asking out there..
I think you all are a "normal family" because will having mom and dad together in the same home is ideal it is not the only way you are a family.
If you are calm and cool about this situation, your children will follow your lead. Obviously you are hurting but in front of the kids you must set the tone. Your ability to carry on will impact your children. Simply put, if you fall apart they will too. If you use this situation to show them how to get back up they'll be stronger too.
I know this is hard VGE. There are no excuses for H's behavior but this is reality. Now your children will look to you to see how to handle it. If you show them through your actions that you are going to be okay it will help them deal with all the changes. When they get older they'll understand how much you all endured but for now they just need to understand that whatever the lving situation is both Mom and Dad love them the best they can. You can do this VGE.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
hi everyone. Sorry havent posted. It's been rough. The cancer is back and divorce still going through. Cancer is in my spine, two ribs and both sides of my pelvis. DH is weird. My children trying to cope. The update, We've been going through the motions, Dh still living with his parents, everything the same at my hm. nothing is going forward with the divorce since my atty is trying to be sure I have insurance coverage for any treatment I get - I'll find out for sure what my treatment plan will be on Monday. (PRAYING!!)
I think STRESS has really fed this cancer. I try not to stress. I keep trying to release negative emotions because I want to focus on my health - especially so that I can be here for my children. They're my world. Sorry - to get emotional but I really don't want to die yet. I want to grow old and see all of my children grow up, graduate college, get married and have children.
I thought I was strong but since the dr visit last week - it really just hit me. I realized that I was still holding on to my marriage even though it's DONE and worrying about my children's future, and thinking of my finances (need a job) has taken a great physical toll.
I PRAY, eat right, take tons of supplements (FIGHT CANCER) and run three days a week. Trying to reign in my health.
This all leads to today -DH picked up our children for the day. He seemed off so I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. Then as our children get into his vehicle, He stopped at the door and said he spoke to his atty yesterday. DH said that all of us (atty's, him, and me) will be getting together for a meeting.
I said ok. He said there's more allegations of adultery? I said - I haven't spoken to my atty since Dec. (true) and that his atty has waited to go forward because of my cancer and insurance. I stayed quiet.
Then this is the kicker - He said that the judge will think he's an a$$ cuz 1) he's left 2) my cancer is back and I stay home 3)I homeschool and stay w/the children 4) his previous affair that resulted in a child. I felt like saying - YOU did this to yourself.
He says, "so so much for my reputation. Oh well. Whatever. I was trying to make it easy for everyone now it looks like it's going to get ugly. I didn't want it to get ugly."
So that's why he says he's upset. I stayed quiet. I really looked at him and thought - REALLY?! You're worried about YOUR reputation -now? UGH! I was angry inside. I'm fighting for my LIFE and you're worried about your reputation?!!
I really wonder why he wants this divorce to go so fast? Hmm? I just said bye and he left. I hope he doesn't take out his anger or frustration out on the boys by not being responsive or "present" for them.
I've been crying and praying because this just caused all sorts of emotions that I really hadn't expressed before. I finally got angry. I hadn't really felt that or expressed it before. But really - the nerve!
My DH is NOT in a midlife crisis. This IS who he is. I've had time to really reflect on our marriage and this is really him. These are his true colors. It's all about him. It always has. It just now clicked. OF course, 20 yrs of marriage and four children and now he wants to live his life. No regard for others.
On another note, I joined a divorce support group (Catholic Divorce Survival. It's helpful because though we are on different divorce paths - we share the same pain. This is my part of healing the emotional ties of my marriage so that I can focus on my health.
Anyway - thank you everyone for letting my vent. Thank you for your prayers. I pray that all marriages are saved in God's love and if God wants to shield you from someone or something that HE knows isn't for your good then let go and LET GOD!
Praying for wisdom, protection, health and strength.
vge, I am very sorry to hear that the cancer is back. The stress of what you are going thru right now w/your h and the divorce is taking its toll on you.
You have every right to cry and be upset. Your world has turned upside down again. Your h isn't there to support you and you have children that need you in their lives. I know it's tough right now, but you have to try to find your inner strength and calm down. Breathe! You have to think positive and stay strong.
Monday isn't that far off and I hope you'll find out what your options are for treatment. Do you have someone that can go w/you to the appointment? Once treatments begin, do you have someone that can help you out? You certainly can't rely on him for anything much.
BTW, I wouldn't blame the judge for thinking your h is an @ss because he is one.
I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Oh my heart just breaks for you. Your H. is an A$$. How selfish of him to worry about how he looks when you are fighting for your life!
Your focus for now has to be on you, your treatment and recovery. Circle the wagons and keep your support people close. Stress is not good for someone fighting Cancer. Maybe your H will just have to wait for his D.
Prayers and healing light to you
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
It means a lot. My atty is a cancer survivor too and trying to be sure that this d isnt rushed. My h is just weird in a hurry for this d. ?? I'm rying to focus on my attitude and de-stress.
My mom has been a true blessing. She always prayed for reconciliation. She used to love my H as a son... now...not so much. She's been there for my dr appts.
Anyway, i really appreciate all the thoughts and prayers. Y'all are a true blessing!!. Prayers out to all going through these tough times.
vge, I'm thinking of you today. I hope that you are able to get some favorable news today.
Keeping you in my prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Dr doesn't want to do anything yet though cancer markers are higher - UGH!!
I told the dr that I am adding some new supplements so she said that okay that we'll look at my bloodwork again in two weeks to see if what I am doing is changing anything for the better. But if numbers are higher - I will have to start some treatment.
Anyway, I mentioned to my DH that my dr doesn't want me to have any more added stress right now. So he said ok.
But then today, DH asked when would I be available to talk. He didn't say about what nor did I ask. I am guessing about money and all the logistics so we wont have to pay the lawyers or a mediator any more money. This coming tues will be 60 days from the original petition filed by my DH but since I counterfiled - it's causing delays for him.
So I suggested this Fri after he gets out of work. But now I thought about it and I REALLY REALLY don't want to talk to him about anything. I feel I'll be lead into a conversation that I can't back out of.
I text my atty and she never responds right away. I asked her if I should talk to him or what words can I say to avoid this conversation meeting?
Need some words. Praying for wisdom, direction and strength right now. Don't want to stress but can't help it.
vge, Text your h and advise him that you are under strict doctor's orders and can't have any additional stress placed on you at this time. If he whines, tell him to contact your lawyer. He's a selfish sob and only wants what he wants when he wants it and quite frankly, doesn't care how you feel or what you are going through.
Right now, your first priority is YOU. The divorce discussions can wait. After all, he's already been out there doing his own thing for a while and he can wait a bit longer. No need to stress yourself out over this.
Cancel the meeting today. Take care of YOU from this day forward.
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
From reading your thread, I get the distinct impression you are a kind and compassionate mom.
How about parenting yourself with that same compassion?
If your child was having this health scare and being bullied by another human being...what would you tell your child? If you intervened, how would handle the situation?
I know, for me, I would make damn sure no stressful, arrogant, bullying a$$ would get close to my kid for the time being. Until my child was strong enough to handle the situation and the health threat was gone.
Be the Mama Lion to yourself. In the long run, your kids will thank you for protecting them...which is what you are doing by taking good care of you.
Put the drama on a shelf and find your happy, serene place where God loves you and is protecting you.
Last edited by LoisB; 02/05/1501:45 PM.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Wow VGE, you have an awful lot on your plate and are handling it with such grace. I so admire your great faith. I'm sure you're right -- stress has weakened your immune system and enabled your cancer to return. That makes me so sad for you and your children.
Your H is right, he IS a selfish self-centered a$$, and everyone, including the judge, can clearly see that. What a jerk to be worried about his reputation after all he has done, and now to be pushing you into this meeting after he agreed not to cause you more stress right now.
I agree with Job, Cadet and Heather. You need to take care of yourself right now. I'm not sure why your H is pushing to have this meeting, but you do NOT have to attend. Remind him you are under strict orders to avoid stress, give him your lawyer's phone number again and take a bubble bath with some soothing music and green tea.
2 Corinthians 12:9 - And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Y'all are so kind and encouraging. This helps so much.
So I called him today to let him know that I can't handle stress and it's best not to meet right now maybe later. I was calm and tried to reiterate my need for calm. He asked to call me later and I said no.
Well...he called later. He said he just wanted to meet not to stress me out but to offer "help". He said that if i!m prolonging this divorce because of insurance that I really shouldn't worry cuz there's obamacare, care link, etc. I said I didn't want to get upset and now he's made me upset. I let him tell me his stuff. He also said that he knows several people who just found out they had cancer and they are all getting treated right away through other means without insurance. ??!!
I'm thinking that he expected me to say oh thank you for your concern and I'll look into these alternatives. But I didn't!
I said he has made me upset and that's why I didn't want to talk about the divorce. Then he went on and on that he wants to move on with his life and this is holding him back. He mentioned that His Atty said the judge will not be merciful so his Atty and my Atty agreed not to move forward for now. My dh is tired of having his life on hold.
That's it... I was so upset that I argued.. Unfortunately, my children were in the car. (I was parked) I would've held my tongue but this was ridiculous I told him that I wanted to talk since he left in October but he refused..so now here we are close to the 60 days after he filed and if I didn't counter petition then it would be final next wk. Now he wants to talk?!
He wants this stuff done so he can have his own money and move on. His paycheck still comes in and I pay all the bills. He has access of course but I know he's tired of me also having access. I understand his frustration but really?! Now?!
I said he thought he was making this easy but it would've been easy only for him. I don't have it easy...I'm fighting for my life!!! I don't have a job yet. I'm still homeschooling our children to avoid another disruption if possible.
I said he must think I'm at home eating bon bons enjoying life as if I've got it made!? I said that I wake up grateful that God has blessed me with another day to see my children.
He was quiet. I said that's it. Your Atty can talk to my Atty. I said when he comes by to pick up the children for his visit on Monday then I'll give him cash that he didn't use for gas and food to visit his other child. He skipped last month and this cash was already budgeted. Then he hung up on me.
My youngest child began to cry. I felt so bad. My second oldest and third child said they were proud of me for finally taking a stand. Ugh! What a mess. I almost texted him back to apologize but I didn't. I just feel so horrible for my children. I pray for wisdom, strength, and peace. Especially for my children... They are so sad and angry.
Thanks for listening. Just letting him hear my anger doesn't make me feel any better.
I am so sorry you are dealing health issues right now. I am praying for you and your family.
Vge I am going to go out on a limb here but I say this with only your best interest I mind. Your husband is not your friend. I would even say that he is your enemy. He is obstructing your best chance to heal.
A husband that would drop you from your insurance during this serious crisis is not your friend. He is the devil. There I said it God does not want us to agree with the devil.
Don't talk to him. Can you have someone else there when you have to do pick up or drop off? DO NOT BE ALONE WITH HIM (kids don't count. - you need an adult buffer so he'll behave).
Right now you must take care of yourself. He is a dangerous threat to your health. He wants to cut you off from your health insurance!!!
Vge this must be incredibly hard. I can't imagine how truly difficult this must be for you right now. Prayer and surrender your worries to God but please, please stay away from your H.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
The posters have given you good advice. When he calls, let it go to voice mail and then you can determine later whether you want to respond on not. He is not your friend...if he were, he wouldn't have continued going on and on after you told him that you couldn't have any additional stress. In the future, refer him to your lawyer.
When he comes to pick up the children, go into another room or better yet, have a friend or family member meet him at the door or drop them off to him. You do not need this added stress.
As for the insurance and wanting to move on w/his life...shame on him. He's just going to have to wait a while longer for that life, isn't he? Your main focus is taking care of YOU and then your children. He's not even part of the plan right now. He is a very selfish sob who has no empathy for what you are going through.
Don't pick up that phone again if he calls. He's not worth it and you do not need the added stressors.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm so very sorry that your h is being the ultimate dou&he. I realize that isn't nice and sometimes it's just best to call a spade a spade. You have received wonderful advice. Please take it!!!
You don't have a plate my friend- you have a platter. You don't need to talk about anything with him. Any man who is threatening to take away insurance or tell you others are battling cancer without insurance is in the running for pr!ck of the year. I realize you are religious and don't want to offend you with the language but this sitch has me feeling feisty.
Focus on you and your kids. Your health is paramount so please take care of yourself. Ignore him. Limit your stress (I realize that seems like a ridiculous suggestion considering all you are going through). Please focus on you. You deserve it as do your kids !
Take care and sending you positive thoughts.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
He is a selfish a$$. You are the mother of his children! Now is the time for you to be self caring. The only things you should be having to deal with are you kids and your health. I am a Nurse and I can tell you stress is the worst thing for a Cancer patient.
You deserve peace and healing. Prayers and healing light sent your way
Me 52 H 44 T9 M 5 BD 12/11 H split 8/12 OW moved in 12/12 OW gone for good 6/14 We get closer again 9/14 SD 13 Me 4 Grown
Accept what is...let go of what was and have faith in what will be.
Thank y'all sooo much for your advice, thoughts and prayers. Just reading y'all's advice helps me in so many ways. Y'all are right. I have to ignore him for now. Ugh!
My DH's aunt said i really need to just break some old plates and cry if i have too. Do everything to release anger and stress without hurting anyone. So far, no plates "or platters " just some crying.
I've been praying a lot more too and I pray that I'm following the Lord's direction.
So far, my oldest child has thanked me for standing up for my children and for myself. I appreciated these tender words. I know my older children understand to a point but i still pray for all of my children. I want them to still love their father even when he's acting weird.
On a good note, today my mom gave me some money to treat myself to a massage and a facial so that i can relax. I'm looking forward to it since I've never had that before.
I know i should focus on my health and my children...praying for my focus not to be swayed...especially by the "enemy".
Again, thanks y'all. May God grant all y'all wisdom, health and love.
Btw- today didn't hear from him...so though it's a relief.. I still dread any contact with him cuz i know he's angry. Praying for peace too. Keep y'all posted.
That's more like it! A facial. I need one of those too :-)
Friend, on these boards, you are surrounded by women and men who put everyone else first for years...decades and rarely spoke up for themselves...me, for starters. We are a merry band of fixers and faced, in MLC, with something we can't fix. No matter how much blood, sweat and tears we shed.
I've sacrificed the needs of my children, for an a$$hat of a husband. Sacrificed my own happiness and serenity, for the needs of someone who isn't capable of appreciating me. Been there, done that.
Just for today...just THIS ONE DAY...put YOURSELF FIRST. Do whatever you need to do to protect your heart and health...which, in turn, protects your children.
He is toxic.
The greater your blessing at the end...the harder the Devil fights to keep you in "your" place. You must have some awesome blessings around the corner because the Devil is fighting hard to keep you down.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Vge - i have been away from boards for a while ( own hiccups in my story) so just caught up with yours.
I am so so sorry and sad to hear your latest news. You are coming across amazingly strong under the circumstances.
Everyone is giving you great advise - ur h is truly not someone to allow in your life, he sounds in a very toxic world of his own - please don't let him drag you down with him; you deserve so much better.
Vge - it sounds like you are entering a double battle; your health and ur h - the most important one to focus on and win is your health - let your atty fight the one with h for you. Don't let him rattle you, he is the lowest of the low trying to push you while you are so unwell. His lack of consideration for his children astounds me, they need both parents united at a time like this - Vge; i cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling, but please know i am thinking about you and sending you prays and love xx
The greater your blessing at the end...the harder the Devil fights to keep you in "your" place. You must have some awesome blessings around the corner because the Devil is fighting hard to keep you down.[/quote]
Thanks LouR for your advice too.Sorry that those hiccups happen in your journey.
I so appreciate this forum. I know that everyone has tough battles. Sometimes others seems harder but really they are all the same cuz they are all battles. Battles of the spirit, battles of the heart, battles of the mind, battles of the body, etc. Have courage my friends - these times are temporary. Glory is coming!!
Just knowing that we are all in this battle together has helped me see that I am not alone. Y'all are amazing!
Thank you for the encouragement and prayers too. Praying for y'all!
Ok. So I am dealing with some physical pain - UGH!! not good. Don't want to feel pain. I just pray that cancer is going away NOT growing.
I scheduled some counseling for my children. The counselor suggested I fill out a benevolence fund application to see if they could help pay for this counseling. I hope so. I know my children REALLY need someone to talk to without it being so subjective. I only mentioned my plans about this to my two older children.. so far they're receptive. Hoping this really helps all of them.
And yesterday - wouldn't you know it---my van started an engine light blinking thing. I know it needs major work, like brakes (low), flush things, it has a small crack in the windshield and the shocks for the tailgate lift stopped working. I just want the engine to be okay then move on to the other necessary items. I'm praying!
I really don't want to tell my DH cuz then he'll turn it around on me. Like - what did you do? I'll say - I didn't do anything - it just came on while I was driving. Then his next point will be on him - he'll say, "well,my vehicle needs brakes, tires, etc. and the truck also needs another battery, a tune up, a paint job, etc.." In essence, he has two vehicles and I have one. I've never prohibited him to get the battery for the truck cuz I know that's a more reliable vehicle than his other one. We both need stuff done for our vehicles so I pray mine isn't costly or dangerous to drive.
Don't need any more stress and yet it likes to come in tsunami waves. Don't like it but I guess I'm learning that I need to continue to focus on the Lord, my health, and my children.
Sorry to hear your in pain - do u have pain relief you can take?
I hope ur car is still chugging on - how r u currently paying for things, is ur h stepping up in that department?
Vge, we never know what is around the corner, keep your faith something bright is around yours. You are handling all this so well - its amazing how we managed to dig deep and find a little more strength just when we don't feel we have any left. Know your in my prayers.
Don't need any more stress and yet it likes to come in tsunami waves. Don't like it but I guess I'm learning that I need to continue to focus on the Lord, my health, and my children.
So sorry you are under such a lot of stress VGE -- between your disease, treatment, husband, kids and now your van it must be overwhelming for you.
Your faith is inspiring. Let us know how you're doing okay? Lots of people praying for you on here
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
which I never thought I would 