Thank you LouR and CaliGuy. I'm encouraged by your thoughts and words.
I am still confused and sad that this MLC stuff isn't going faster. Geez..It's only been about 7 weeks but feels like forever, so I commend all of your patience. I'm really trying hard not to pressure or bother him at all. It's one of those one step forward but two steps back. I don't think he misses me AT ALL! That hurts.
A few weeks ago, I had lunch with a friend that had recommended I speak with a lawyer friend of hers. Well, we had missed each others phone calls until today.
You know, as much as I hope our marriage works toward reconciliation and love, I just feel he won't come back. As I mentioned, I know it's only been several weeks so I can't imagine how y'all feel.
Anyway, I spoke to this lawyer to get some advice...YUCK!!!!
I don't like it. She was really "highly advising that I file first sooner than later to protect myself and my children, especially because of my health" .
My heart was hurting to hear this..I really don't have peace about this. I don't want to file. I want to be able to be a family again. I just got scared when she said I needed to file first to protect myself instead of waiting for him to file. Does it matter?
I'm just letting go slowly. Letting go of my marriage and placing it at God's altar, so that if the Lord wants us to reconcile or not - it'll be at the Lord's prompting and timing. I want to be sure I'm hearing His voice and pray He'll lead me where He wants me to be.
I'm realizing many things about myself and I know I won't be the same after this. whatever the outcome. I just pray for all your marriages - May God bless y'all with wisdom and discernment.
So My DH called about Christmas? Well, I offered Christmas Eve (all day and evening) he asked what time do you want them back? I said maybe about 10p cuz I'm thinking about taking them to a service but not sure...He then said he wanted to take them to midnight mass.
HUH??? It's been a while since we've been to the midnight mass. I really wanted them back early so that we could go to mass on Christmas Day.
So I said well what are your plans and he threw it back at me to ask what plans do I have? We did this little question dance a few times when he said he didn't really have any plans (except midnight mass when I mentioned that I wanted to take them to a svc}I think he wanted to have them only Christmas Eve at night and maybe have them spend the night but he never said anything. I'm just guessing. I think we're both trying to be " nice " to one another so neither of us seem to be the mean one. I don't know...totally guessing. Don't care just want him to tell me what he wants then I can respond. but he's been like this - he gives me the decision making so he looks like the martyr that just gives in and I look like I'm the ogre cuz I made a decision.
So again, I said he can have Christmas Eve and I'll take Christmas Day - if that's okay. We ended the conversation with "we'll think about it and we'll see what stuff is planned with his family before we commit to days."
Holidays are tough for everyone involved. How do y'all do it?
Oh vge - I am so sorry you find yourself going through this - we never signed up for this - I am pretty sure it wasn't in our vows - I take you, craziness and all ...
I can't comment on your d questions - I have different laws to you in the US. I have to be sep for 2yrs before we can d, no exceptions. We could have a sep agreement to sort out financial and child related issues, but in my case we have nothing to sort out.
However, in saying that to you - Don't naturally presume that just because your h is being all nicey nicey about things now, that he will continue to do so. Seeing a lawyer is about you protecting yourself and your children, its important that you are left secure. Do you need to pursue a d to make that happen? What are your options?
I am sure a vet will come along shortly with advise about c/mas - this is my first and I am in a different sitch to you, so I really have no idea how the sharing kids works - sorry. I hope you can come to a suitable arrangement for you, h and your kids.
Vge I agree with everything Lou said. Luckily I live in a state that recognizes legal seperation. That means we can sign a seperation agreement that will handle custody, property, spousal and child support as if we are divorced but it is not actually being divorced. Simply put, I never have to file for D if I don't want to but H can if he decides to after the waiting period. Seperation is a good option if you hope for R or object to D for religious reasons. Not every state recognizes them but fortunately I live in a state that does.
Vge you are all so new to the and I am not far behind you. I do understand that things are difficult to process. I am glad you talked to an attorney. I talked to three before I found someone who wasn't just interested in making money. My attorney is young and costs less but his boss is extremely respected in family law. I like using my younger attorney right now because he is reasonable BUT if things change I have another more expensive option to take to trial.
I know this is a lot but what I've learned is this is ALL on you. It is hard to hear and it hurts your soul but you must make decisions as if your H is not coming back. What really helped me is I look at my marriage as having two parts - emotional and business. The business part of things can't wait. Life is about surviving this with a roof over your head and food in the fridge. The children need to see they can count on you to take care of the business of life. This is not an option. Health insurance is not an option. Be calm. Be collected but take care of business. God does not want you to ignore this.
As for the emotional side of my marriage. I am still grieving and that will take a lot longer. I pray every day. I am trying not to focus on anything negative and only embracing the positive things as I tackle my emotions. Right now I don't think I will ever file for D. I wear my rings every day. In my heart I am married.
The beautiful result of all of this is that the more I take care to protect myself on the business side of my marriage the stronger I feel about working through my emotions. It is slow going but the waiting is not an option. The fact is with MLC your H is not the man you knew. I wish it were different vge but they morph into someone different and your best chance to survive all of this is to take care of you and your children.
It just was what helped me. When dealing with H it is business. sorry to sound preachy but I know you can do this. Read everything you can about the laws in your state. Hire an attorney that you like. This one may not be the right one for you but don't sit and wait. Your H is counting on you to let him call all the shots. You have a voice too.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
I live in a state where there is no legal separation just D. I think the only waiting period would be 1 year and that's only in a fault D (i.e. abandonment, adultery, abuse, etc.) . The period of a no fault D is much shorter like 60 days or something like that.
I will be looking at other attorneys but I know they'll all see it as $$. I don't have that. I know I need to protect myself and the children but it would require a filing - which I don't want to do.
Man, oh man, this is tough. Talk about stretching beyond hurt.
123Gwen - I'm glad you were able to find an atty that you like and have the means to hire someone else if you need to. Your business acumen is coming in handy and I admire your level of commitment to your marriage and children. I'm with you on the emotional side. It's the business side I'm trying to figure out.
LouR - hang in there. This roller coaster should be shut down since it hurts and makes us sick. I know we'll all be the better from this.I know his nicey things are taken with a grain of salt. The 2 yr waiting period in your state I think is helpful for you. A cooling off period. Do they require you go to counseling or a marriage retreat or something?
Anyway - DH called to say he wants the children Christmas Eve -Day then he'll drop them off around 4p then he'll pick them up on Christmas day around 4p til 10p. Weird?! I really don't know what he or his family have planned. I figured he'd spend the time at his aunts home since we had Christmas Eve there last year. I thought having one whole day would be easier than this but oh well - I guess he doesn't plan on church with them.
Gwen gave some good advise. I like the business/emotional way to look at things.
I currently live in NZ, the 2yr sep time only states that we can have no longer than a 3 month reconcile time within the sep period before it starts again. It does not require any counselling or interaction between parties - tbh counselling with a MLC'er would be futile; forcing them to do something they don't want to do will make them run faster. Plus they are not the same person now, they think differently, they live in a blinkered world of false reality - they need to go and work through this on their own.
I am about to move to the UK for a while, they have different laws, my h could file under their laws once I am a resident again (I am british), but he would have to admit to adultery or abandonment, plus he can't afford an atty right now, so I don't think he will.
I can apply for legal aid to pay for it as I have low income - plus in the UK I can apply for him to pay my costs if HE is the one that files!
I wear my ring on the other hand - one day it might go back where it belongs, until then it is separated from where it should be.
vge - I really understand what you are feeling; it is painful and hard. But the strength to find your way is inside of you - As i understand it, god is not about giving you the answer on a plate, he is about giving you the strength, understanding and love to be the best you can be and the ability to find the answers you seek within the world around you.
Anywhoo - hope you are having a good day .... they do happen :o) ((hugs))
I'm freaking out now. I just looked on the county clerks office to check if my DH has filed for D. The atty I spoke with suggested that I look on public record to check if he had done anything. Well, I checked yesterday and nothing was there.
Then today - there it is.... He filed!
I'm freaking out!!
Now I am having to do what I don't want to do. i don't want a divorce. Lord help us!
I meet with the lawyer tomorrow. Praying for God's wisdom and discernment.
I placed my marriage and family at God's altar and I know God has a reason. Just that my human side is so deeply hurt and saddened.
Our children are beyond sad. They are hurt and angry and for the first time, our youngest child said they don't want to go with daddy cuz they're angry.
Breaking my heart. I just keep telling them to love Dad. Believe God has GREAT plans for us even if this isn't our plan...God's plan is better.
Vge - I am so sorry. I want you to remember that a civil D is not the end of your marriage before God. You need to put your emotions aside as best you can and take care of business. Do not delay. How you handle yourself in the next few weeks is important no matter what happens. You have an opportunity to let this situation "make you or break you." God gave us free will and he does not want you broken.
You can't make H stop a D. What you can do is use the DBusting techniques to build yourself up during this time. Perhaps H will take notice and that would be wonderful BUT if he doesn't that is ok.
VGE1 - a civil D can also mean a civil remarriage. This stinks but it is true. You can't let fear stop you from confronting this truth. You need to let God work through you by working on taking care of yourself and your children. You can get through this.
Keep reading. Keep praying but also make a list of action items. You can survive this. I know you can get through this.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
Gwen said what I would have. Until you know his terms its hard to know which way this is going to go. Your lawyer will be able to advise you on what you need to do next.
You have us all behind you. Keep focus on what is best for you and your girls right now, the past has gone and the future has not happened yet -
I appreciate your support and so appreciate this forum. I know the Lord has led me this way to be encouraged.
Yeah, I am still in shock. I just can't believe it. What is the hurry? I can only guess OW. Nothing confirmed or proven.
As I went to the atty office, it was such a blur. Signing papers to hire an atty and pay a retainer..$$$ ugh! and still no news about my cancer - I should get that info tomorrow. Probably at the same time as the papers. Wah!
So Where did he get the $$? I think it came from his mom and/or dad. That hurts! If they didn't give him $ then maybe the OW.
Who knows where the money came from but it matters to me. If it was his parents - I am doubly hurt and disappointed. To encourage such a devastating blow to me and especially to their grandchildren.
But if the money came from the OW -- then are they trying to rush this to get married even though he told me he would never marry again. Or maybe he doesn't want to be sneaking around anymore.
I just can't imagine what he's thinking. When he had the last affair 4 years ago - he was so remorseful. I really did see sorrow, regret and pain in his heart. I thought we worked so hard to save our marriage. All he kept saying was - Our marriage is stronger than ever! Almost boasting. What is he thinking now? What is he telling people?
Anyway, so many emotions and questions right now. I am so hurt.
I pray for y'all. May God give y'all strength and hope.
Spoke to DH last night cuz we had a plumbing issue but I think I fixed it. So far so good.
Anyway, during the conversation about the plumbing, my DH mentioned that his atty received my atty's response to the petition. I really don't want to hurt him. I do love him. D is so sad and painful. UGH!!!
My DH started to cry...hard. He said he didn't want me to die. He said, that I am a good mom and good wife. He was shocked that I hadn't told him about my cancer returning. I told him that it's still in the testing stage cuz I still need more tests.
He then said that my atty's response was not nice. He was sad that it mentioned the adultery from 4 yrs ago and that he was sorry about that. But he just kept saying that it isn't about the money, he wants our children to have everything they need.
He also mentioned that we just don't work as a couple. He said we tried and kept having the same R convo every few months.He said there is no OW and that everyone can check his phone and they wouldn't find anything. He repeated this a few times that he didn't leave me for another woman. He just was depressed at our home. this makes me sad. I really didn't cry. I felt I handled it okay. (though I was screaming inside - where is my DH - I want that person)
I told him that I thank him for the gift of time. Time to reflect on me and who I am. He was happy that I am going out with my friends and doing things.
The entire convo I kept wanting to say - We can avoid all this time, money and pain if you would just come home.but I didn't say anything.
All I said was that I loved him and the boys miss him. I still want them to go to some kind of counseling.
The conversation ended when I told him that I'd keep him posted with my medical issue and about the plumbing.
At this moment - I really don't know what to feel..I'm confused. I love him but the way he is now is not the husband I know and love. He was all over the place when we were talking...loving then stoic, then hurt then stern.
Praying for wisdom and discernment. Praying for strength. Praying for a job.
