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cat04 #2515187 12/08/14 07:42 PM
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Thank you for the feedback LouR and cat04. I know I did text without thinking or praying about it. I was afraid that it would have come across as a lecture about what he should do with our children when they spend time with him. UGH!

I spoke with a friend today and brought about these texts and sure enough - it sounds controlling - again. Way to go huh?

Learning as I go.

- My DH never asked me to stop being me so I really struggle on the GAL part since I thought that I've been doing that even in our marriage. My DH never prohibited or controlled me if I wanted to pursue a goal or an activity. He would encourage it. So I feel lost in this space.

I'm trying to not be the person he left. What is my 180????

cat04 - the movie thing was more about the consequences of our youngest watching a scary movie - nightmares which did happen last night. But it was more about my DH telling our child to lie about the movie. That's more of the issue. I don't even know if I should bring this whole topic up to him when he comes to pick up the children for a visit. BTW - DH never responded to the texts. Didn't really expect him too.


So - I know it's scary out there - I don't like it. sometimes I feel really strong and have a hold on my emotions and other times I just hurt - a lot. I do appreciate this forum since I feel supported and y'all give great advice from your experiences.

God is really good about having people come along side and help during times when you feel the most alone. I thank HIM for HIS mercy. The friends I have and the new friends I am meeting are incredible in their support.Thank you Jesus. He is my ROCK. So now that I'm in this place that I didn't think I'd ever be in -hmm???!!

My prayers are really for softening of my heart and for wisdom and discernment. I really want God to lead me and for me not try to control everything. Like I said - I'm learning as I go. Refining is painful but I know the Reward is GREAT!

Praying for strength, courage, wisdom, and peace.

In His Love

VGE1


Romans 8:28

vge1 #2515542 12/09/14 05:35 PM
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Hey,

Have you ever watched Little House on the Prarie or Seventh Heaven?



"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
vge1 #2515644 12/09/14 09:06 PM
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Hi vge1

Originally Posted By: vge1

- My DH never asked me to stop being me so I really struggle on the GAL part since I thought that I've been doing that even in our marriage. My DH never prohibited or controlled me if I wanted to pursue a goal or an activity. He would encourage it. So I feel lost in this space.

I'm trying to not be the person he left. What is my 180????


Only make changes to yourself that you want, not changes that you feel h wants to see - GAL is not about what you can do to get h back, its about moving forwards to a more happier and contented you.

This is now about empowering you. How about trying something new - does your church offer programmes or classes that you could try out.

Do you exercise ? Exercise releases endorphins, the feel good factor - and its free and you get fit -win win :o) I walk everyday - I also turn the music up loud and dance about the house when I do housework .... keeps the neighbours occupied ha ha.

I know this is all so hard to get your head around. I am new to all this too; take one day at a time - we can walk this journey together. ((hugs))

LouR #2515675 12/09/14 10:32 PM
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I agree with everything Lou said. I am also new to this vge and it is so much to process.

You must focus on taking care of yourself and feeling good about who you are. DBing is all about improving yourself for yourself. Hopefully when you make those improvements and feel stronger. If H decides to return then everyone is happy but if not you are well on your way to a beautiful bew life even if it is not exactly how you planned.

I know this all sounds logical but actually doing these things takes time and patience and faith. It has not been a straight path for me. I jump ahead then fall back. I zig and I zag. I am still very emotional but I don't feel like I can't breathe anymore. It is getting better and it will get better for you too.

(((Hugs)))


M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters
BD: 5/14
Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW
D Final 9/17

“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.”
― Maya Angelou



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cat04 - ??? no. I dont watch those shows. I think I watched them off and on but never really a fan. Why?

123Gwen and LouR - I know I'm so confused.

One of my friends suggest I give him a deadline like - "so do you plan on coming back? If you are still thinking about it, then I need to know by xxxx (date). Can you give me your lawyer's name and number? That way my lawyer can talk to yours.?"

UGH! I don't want to do that. I don't know what he's doing or what his plan is so I know my friends are afraid that I'm living in limbo just waiting to see what he does.

I do workout, eat right and involved in church but I want my children to be protected so I am looking for legal advice

I am looking for lawyers - what a mess!!!

I still don't have a job, he's still allowing his paycheck to be deposited into our acct and I pay the bills right away. I still homeschool our children and I'm still undergoing tests for my bone cancer so I'm focused on these things now.

I'm NOT afraid that he won't come back. I'm just trying to figure out Plan B.

I'm afraid that we'll lose the house, I'm afraid that the support won't be enough, I'm afraid to be taken.

Anyway, I asked our oldest child how do they feel? What if Daddy doesn't come back? What if I file for D - how would you feel?

The response was kinda what I expected. They aren't pleased the way my DH is treating me - rude, stoic, resistant to answer basic questions, etc. My children don't recognize him as my DH and the way he's acting is so different. My child said don't wait forever...so I asked what's too long for you? they said - can you give it a year?

That's kinda my plan - a year and just watch and wait. In the meantime, I'm not putting my life on hold - I am living a life though it isn't much different than when my DH was here. Looking for stuff to do just I don't want to use the money that's coming into our acct (i.e. his paycheck) to be frivolous spending. He's using the acct too but he uses it for basic things like taking our children out, gas, automotive expenses (oil change, etc.)and nothing is really unusual.

So - how long do y'all plan on waiting before you think of filing a D? I know everyone's path is different but are you waiting for a sign that they may come back? What do your children say?

What does life look like in 6 months for you?

I'm just praying for wisdom.

In His Love

VGE1


Romans 8:28

vge1 #2516166 12/11/14 03:35 AM
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Quote:
One of my friends suggest I give him a deadline like - "so do you plan on coming back? If you are still thinking about it, then I need to know by xxxx (date).


Personally, I wouldn't do this. It is pressure.

Just my two cents.

Tad


Currently:
M 56 XW 57
Sons 38,33,31,29

The Sitch:
Married 26 years
EA w/ OM 9/10
Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary)
Sep 12/10
She wants D 1/11
W files 5/11
D final 10/11
XW marries OM 6/13
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Hey vge1

I agree with Tad.

Plus giving h a date is keeping you hanging on and waiting for him. All that time you wont be moving forwards with your own life - and if you are going to say to me " no, I will continue on with my life as if he isn't coming back" then why do you need to give him the date? - just get on with life and IF he decides to come back your way then great, if not then you will be in a better place in your life to be ok with it.

D for some is sadly an ugly necessary - if its meant to be then you can remarry - You need to try accept that this may be a long process for h, there is no definite timeline ....... every MLC'er is different.

Your friends are well meaning but what are they basing their opinions on - have they had a MLc'er too?

6mths on for me - I am doing much better than I was 6 months ago - my friends see it more than I do, so I periodically re read my journals and yes, I can see i am not the mess I was. I have been occasionally known to laugh and smile now grin which I never thought I would ever do again.

I have not given up hope that my h will one day come back my way, I still love him ... but having said that both of us are going in different directions now, I am growing and he is, well, who knows what he is doing ..... 6 months ago I was die hard, want him back at any cost - now hmmmmmm sitting on the fence. I would not be doing the things I am, met the people I have and becoming the person I am if we were together - ask me the same question in another 6 months ....



Last edited by LouR; 12/11/14 06:46 AM.
LouR #2516205 12/11/14 07:05 AM
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I agree that friends are well meaning but its not their life.. they just have suggestions. This MLC is not familiar with many of my friends. They just see one thing - he's not doing what a H should be doing so they suggest playing hard ball.

I am not like that at all. I'm not a doormat either. This timeline pressure is too sudden for me. I still love him. I don't want a D.

Now . ... I am looking at plan B and hope he will join me and our children but if not, that's ok too. Still hurts though.

"If I can take it... I can make it." (Got that from the new movie coming out called Unbroken.)

Y'all are wise folks and I appreciate your insights and advice. Praise God for this forum.

In His Love

vge1

Romans 8:28

vge1 #2516211 12/11/14 08:47 AM
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Hey vge1

You sound like you are a grounded lady :o) and your faith keeps you strong.

Any advise from me is just my personal opinion, I am no expert in this minefield that we have found ourselves in, I just roll along learning as I go. I can only tell you about my experiences - I have done nearly all the wrong things to do; but thanks to the advise from here and my Dr (who has been fantastic) I am trying to do the right things now ....

I know it hurts - I feel your pain, I really do. If another person says "its time" I will scream - but reality is -- and yep, I'm gonna say those dreaded words - it is time and I think for us newbies we expect far to much to quickly ...I know I did - came back down to earth with a big bump!

vge1 #2516468 12/11/14 09:35 PM
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Originally Posted By: vge1
cat04 - ??? no. I dont watch those shows. I think I watched them off and on but never really a fan. Why?

123Gwen and LouR - I know I'm so confused.

One of my friends suggest I give him a deadline like - "so do you plan on coming back? If you are still thinking about it, then I need to know by xxxx (date). Can you give me your lawyer's name and number? That way my lawyer can talk to yours.?"


Hey vge, you had posted on my thread ... took me a bit but I have caught up on your sitch and ... well I am no vet but I have earned a stripe or two in the MLC Brigade. Maybe the lessons I have learned .. you can use as your sitch is relatively new.

So .. the one thing I have figured out the hard way .. nothing gets a MLC to run in the tunnel faster than pressure ... this can come in all forms. And reading ... you are applying it a bit. ^^ The deadline .... Nope, I did that in my head, only set me up for a spin. Read here long enough and you will soon start realizing .... this MLC thing, its a LOOOONG hard ride and even when its over there is no guarantee you will end up at Disneyland.

The MLC can smell Judgement a mile away, steer clear from correcting him. Lies ... he will lie ... just accept it .. "Believe nothing of what he says and 50% of what he does ring a bell? Its the truth .. honestly that 50% could easily be 25%. Vge ... trifecta .. GAL, 180, PMA ... little more advice ... I get you share with your Christian sisters, they will never understand this, no one seems to. I pray for reconciliation, I do not share all the horrible things she has done, it will only get you the "Are you crazy, pack up and move" on eyes. I recall DB/DR touches on this.


Originally Posted By: vge1

Anyway, I asked our oldest child how do they feel? What if Daddy doesn't come back? What if I file for D - how would you feel?

The response was kinda what I expected. They aren't pleased the way my DH is treating me - rude, stoic, resistant to answer basic questions, etc. My children don't recognize him as my DH and the way he's acting is so different. My child said don't wait forever...so I asked what's too long for you? they said - can you give it a year?


Careful here ... its easy to get the kids to take your side, you are the victim, believe me I have caught myself on this. S wants to be a family, I told him I love him, his mom loves him ... thats it ... HE asks about OM, I tell him we can not control what she does, just pray for her ... leave them to their emotions ... and let your H figure out his relationships with them

Originally Posted By: vge1

That's kinda my plan - a year and just watch and wait. In the meantime, I'm not putting my life on hold - I am living a life though it isn't much different than when my DH was here. Looking for stuff to do just I don't want to use the money that's coming into our acct (i.e. his paycheck) to be frivolous spending. He's using the acct too but he uses it for basic things like taking our children out, gas, automotive expenses (oil change, etc.)and nothing is really unusual.

GAL ... YES! Deadline ... I would just erase that, reading, you are spiritual, God will guide you on this. Myself I said a year too ... the year came up and I got all sorts of huffy and threw a fit, I was not done nor where I wanted to be ... but ya know what ... I am in a better place a year later and I know I still have work to do. W is just STARTING a tiny bit to do some of the work .. could be another year, maybe 2,3,4 ... who knows. As of right now ... I still want my M.

Originally Posted By: vge1

So - how long do y'all plan on waiting before you think of filing a D? I know everyone's path is different but are you waiting for a sign that they may come back? What do your children say?

What does life look like in 6 months for you?

I'm just praying for wisdom.

In His Love

VGE1


Romans 8:28



Personally ... in my case I found God.. well he bear-hugged me back in late January .... Mark 10:9, I do not see myself ever filing, if she wants that bad enough... she can file, I will not help her in this matter. MLC'rs will blame you for everything ... I hate to say this .. but get ready, this will test everything about you.
Fortunately you found this place relitively fast ... I was late getting this amazing help here .. about 8 months after BD, realized I have only been here 4 1/2 months, not that it would have brought my MLC'r to light, but I would have been stronger faster ... and VGE that is the secret .. its not about your H, its about you, you have a journey of your own to complete. Focus on that ... .let him be, detach, don't text him, let him breathe and start missing you ... you've got this.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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