Just reading back quickly, I have not seen what you have set up for yourself as far as GALs and things to keep your PMA.
I know those things are hard to do when you're such an emotional wreck, but they are the key to feeling better and relieving some of the stress.
There has to be an acceptance of the situation, as awful as it may be, and that starts with you.
You can't change what has happened, you can't make your H do anything... you can only work on yourself.
Pray, cry, yell, pound the pillow, whatever you need to do--but work on yourself.
Come here for support and to do some venting.
There are specific things you can do as far as attitude and communication that may help calm the situation somewhat. But they won't "make" anything happen.
First is to let go of the idea that you have any control over this. You don't. It is frightening to read that, I know. But here it is again: You don't have any control over this.
You can only control yourself; your thoughts, your emotions, your actions, and responses to what is happening in your life.
Make a list of your Lifelines--people you can confide in safely, people you trust. Make another list of all the good qualities YOU embody, as a wife, mother, and most importantly, AS AN INDIVIDUAL.
Remember all the things you liked to do in the past and then make plans to do them by yourself or with others.
Make a list of the values you want to live by, and then make your future decisions based on those; not on any fleeting emotion or desire to turn back the clock.
Start with these, share the lists here, and you will begin to feel better. Feeling better is largely feeling like you have some control over YOURSELF, even if others in your life are visiting Crazy Town.
Hang in there. It does get easier.
--(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
My friends (sisters in Christ) have been amazing. They are really great listening to all my stuff and praying for us to get through this as a couple. They are all pro marriage but do tell me to protect myself - financially and legally. That scares me...I don't wanna go there.
But I feel though -I can't control the situation, how can I control situations regarding our children being exposed to this "alien"?
Anyway, this forum is amazing. All of you are my inspiration for hope and the future is bright. God is good. He is my refuge and my shelter. Thanks for the support everyone. I pray for the miracle of healing - physical, emotional, mental and spiritual.
I am still waiting to read what actions YOU are taking to get control of your life and your emotions.
You have to do more than pray and share with others. You have to get up and do things, otherwise, you'll simply circle around and around, waiting for a miracle to occur.
Remember, the Lord helps those who help themselves, right?
So please list the things you think you could have done better in your marriage, any complaints your H might have had, decide which ones are valid and in keeping with your personal values---and then list the specific actions you are going to take to remedy those things.
These will be your 180s.
That will be a good start to get the focus on you, where it needs to be.
----(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Ok. You're right..I can't just sit here and not do anything. What am I supposed to do as a 180? I've read the list and I believe I'm doing everything on the list.
I'm looking at everything I've said and done. I would correct him when he would say certain things I found inappropriate to tell our children (like crude jokes). I would say, "Honey, don't say that." then he'd respond, "you know I'm just kidding with them. They know I'm kidding with them." Then he'd watch certain shows and I'd correct him again. So I do see where I came across as a mom.
My defense was that he's their Dad and should really use positive words, watch positive messages, etc. so that we don't let this stuff infiltrate our home with negativity. At first, after the affair several years ago, he was quite discerning about what shows, music, media, etc. that we would all expose ourselves to and then slowly he started going a different direction.
So 1) I must change the preachy thing. I get it. How? Do I not say anything at all - will it come across as accepting because I don't accept it. Don't know how to show this since he's not here.
2) I don't argue fairly - I guess. I know I must validate and empathize. Trying this in bits but I really don't know what to say. If he wants to visit the children and I don't agree the day or time, I know he'll argue and say that they are his kids too. I just back off and say ok?
3) I stay home to homeschool our children and don't contribute to the household income financially. I've defended myself to say that he had agreed to this decision and it was helpful to our family because we were moving every 18 mos when he'd get promoted and/or transferred. I don't anticipate another move.
He joined a MLM to have "freedom and travel and spend time with us (kids and I)." He joined without talking to or asking me. Then he'd look at me and say - "I need help and you're not helping. I'm working long hours and can't go make contacts all the time or attend all the meetings." HINT-YOU do it!--ME?!
I said I supported him on this but I don't want to join a MLM. The company is good, I believe the product but I am so uncomfortable with approaching people. He said our goals aren't the same because he wants freedom and time with family and since I'm not doing everything for this MLM business, then I must not have the same goals as he does. I didn't say that, I just don't want to do this MLM.
Even my SIL and MIL feel sorry that my DH has a financial weight trying to carry the financial load of our family plus child support and visitation. They really think I'm just taking it easy.
UGH! Now I have to find something to contribute that won't disrupt the boys schedules.
4)My friends say I need to be a b****, but that's not me. I love him. I don't want to be mean. I don't yell so should I yell or get angry?
His nature has been that he withdraws, shuts down, avoids emotional conflict when I get upset or disagree. So what's my 180? How?
What can I do to show the respect he wants as a man and he's not here? He doesn't talk to me. Quick texts. No eye contact.
Now what do I do? I'm doing stuff to keep busy but it's nothing I can really show him.
1. I get that you have concerns about what the children are exposed to. Perhaps just start by letting the small things go. If it's not worth a war, just ignore.
You don't need to be preachy. You can lead by example. You can, in an upbeat manner, suggest watching a video or something that's more appropriate. You don't want to undermine him in front of the kids. I understand this is a hard line for you to walk because the children's well-being is at stake. Unfortunately, you can't make him change his behavior.
It sounds as though you've stated your case more than once yet he has ignored your concerns. So repeating them isn't going to strengthen your position. This is probably a lost cause for now. The best you can probably do is get the kids busy doing something else when he's being crude/exposing them to inappropriate content.
2. Yes, they are his kids too. You work with him to come up with a schedule that's amenable to both of you. You don't just back off and say "Ok" if it's something that is harmful to your children. On the other hand, if it's not, sometimes it's best to let the little things go.
3. No need to defend yourself if it was something you both agreed upon. You are now following through with that decision. He can't backpedal now and blame you for this. This falls under the heading of "things he's complaining about which have no substance." If you've stated your case, you don't need to revisit it.
The MLM. Well, I wouldn't like that either. If he chose to do this without your input and is now complaining that you're not pulling your weight... well, did he suggest that it would be something for both of you to do? Is it only now that he's complaining? Again, you need to decide if this argument has merit or not. If it does, perhaps offer to help in small ways.
4. No. Do NOT be a b*tch! That would be Non-DBing for sure! You need to present the best of yourself, remember? No yelling, no getting angry and acting from emotion. You've got to get busy MAKING PLANS FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN THAT DO NOT INCLUDE HIM.
That's what I'm waiting to hear about from you.
You can't change him. He may never change. You have to decide what is within your power to control and give the rest over.
Let me say this: At this point, talk is pretty useless. Your actions will communicate what needs to be said more clearly than words ever could.
What are your ACTIONS going to be, vge?
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I am new here too, just wanted to say hi and send you hugs.
I am just starting my journey through this minefield too, each day presents a different challenge. But listen to these guys here, they really know what they are talking about.
Focus on yourself and your kids, GAL and please don't bury your head in the sand when it comes to protecting yourself financially and legally - at the very least go and get advise.
Please copy and paste the other thread here so people can follow along.
Thanks!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I need some support right now. Feeling defeated and need some hope again.
I am trying to stay busy. Doing stuff to keep my mind off the situation. I think I'm strong then I lose my courage and cry.
I'd like to know about the LBS that are homemakers "forced" to go back to work.
What do you do...take any job that comes along or go for a career?
What about the MLC family (parents, siblings, etc.) do you give your side when they ask "what happened? I know they love him and care about me too but some are caught in the middle especially this holiday season.
My DH and youngest child just returned from a few days where my DH took his mother and our child out of town to visit my DH's other child.
My DH took his mother and my child into his previous "lover's" home. I feel betrayed again. He knows that this would hurt me. I wonder if he even mentioned to "her" that he left me. She'd probably be happy since he got into that relationship by saying he was unhappy in his marriage to me. She went for it thinking he would leave me for her. But when that wasn't happening - she got pregnant. And here we are forever tied to her. Anyway, so now I think their friends. I'm sure the OW was only too happy to show off her home to who could have been her MIL. MIL was impressed.
I feel that everything I tried to protect my marriage from has been unraveled.
Protection from infidelity - gone Protection from previous OW - gone Protection of my family from previous OW - gone Protection of my children from emotional pain - gone Protection from my emotional pain - gone Protection from abandonment - gone Protection from infidelity again - gone
Hi vge, Protection, like control is just an illusion. You can NEVER protect yourself from those things simply because you have no control what so ever over the thoughts or actions of others. This is something all us LBS's learn the hard way. What you had was never totally in your control because there is more than one person involved. Yes, it was someone who you loved and trusted and believed loved and trusted you in return. It is time to realize that the ONLY thing you can control are your own thoughts and actions. You need to find your inner strength and decide who and what YOU want to be. You owe it to yourself and your kids.
I know this is hard. You will have ups and downs, highs and lows but as long as you keep moving forward you will find that it gets easier. As for money right now, if you have been a stay at home mom for so many years, surely you are entitled to some support, no? At least until you can find a way to get on your feet. This will give you time to think about what you WANT to do.
Hang in there, vge. You can get through this and come out stronger but it will take time and effort. We are here for you, use us as a sounding board, to get things off your mind and ideas. We are on your side so you are not alone!
