Hi everyone. I'm in the middle of reading DR and signed up for telephone coaching.It's helping but still feel confused about this.
cat04 - My Details.
Married 20 yrs. I homeschool our 4 children. I don't work outside the home. He's asking me to help relieve financial pressure, I'm willing to work part time but at this point it may fall on deaf ears. Now I'll have to work ... children have never gone to a traditional school. We're not near the better schools. I'm sure they'll be fine but this is turning their world upside down in so many ways.
He had an affair several years ago with a coworker. I think he only revealed this because she said she was pregnant. He may have had others but don't know. BTW - she has another child from a previous relationship - never married. I asked if him to choose - me, her or no one. He said me. So we went straight to our pastor the next day. Everyone at his job knew he was married and we were always together with our children.
Our pastor referred us to a christian counselor. During counseling, I'd cry and he would just sit there and look so sad. Our counselor said, "I don't know why y'all are coming to counseling so much because I see the grace of God in your relationship." He said he felt so much guilt and shame and just recently he said he finally forgave himself. He felt bad because he hurt me and I'm a good person.
Well, the OW had the baby boy. We visit him once a month for two days and take our children to see their brother. (No communication with OW only about child - she's moved on)
I love my stepson. I've been a part of his life and our children love him too. He's only a toddler now. My DH wants to take two of our children to visit their brother without me. (That's never happened before)
We overcame a lot. I supported my DH. We renewed our vows at a Marriage Encounter weekend and I thought we were good. We did the 5 love languages, counseling, marriage retreat, listening, dates, etc. Our story served as testimony to others at different retreats - that there is hope and renewal for marriages.
Now what? I know he is depressed. He's now in denial saying all is good (I guess cuz his Mom and maybe someone else is saying he should be happy). He says he loves God and has prayed a lot about this. Hmm?
I don't like this. I don't know this person. Who is he?
Jack_Three_Beans - I know there are no guarantees. I won't quit..I'm not a quitter and will try everything I can to save this marriage. Aiming to be the 1%.
Hi everyone. Ok. Having questions... Boundaries? He hasnt sat down with me to discuss visitation or bills or anything.? What do i say? I have asked that we sit down to discuss this and he said, thats fine...? Hasnt happened. He jusr calls when Im not here and speaks to our children to make plans. I called him back and asked if he could just speak with me first.(he got defensive) he said there his kids too but fine(angry tone) I'll go through you. Ugh! I was polite just asking for courtesy. My DH is not himself.
Hi everyone. Ok. Having questions... Boundaries? He hasnt sat down with me to discuss visitation or bills or anything.? What do i say? I have asked that we sit down to discuss this and he said, thats fine...? Hasnt happened. He jusr calls when Im not here and speaks to our children to make plans. I called him back and asked if he could just speak with me first.(he got defensive) he said there his kids too but fine(angry tone) I'll go through you. Ugh! I was polite just asking for courtesy. My DH is not himself.
What do I say?
I dont know how old the children are and that might make a difference on the response.
But - why does he have to speak to you first?
Are they old enough to be responsible?
Yes your DH is NOT himself, that is a given or you would not be here.
Boundaries are to protect YOU, or to protect your children.
A healthy boundary is that I will not have a relationship with you or sleep with you while you are having a relationship with someone else.
He usually wants to speak with our 7 and 9 yr old. Of course they'll say yes to be with Dad - cuz now he makes time for them and does the fun stuff. How can they make plans? However, he's called our 16 and 17 yr old and tries to make plans with them and they aren't thrilled. They really don't know how to act around him because he keeps trying to justify himself and it makes them hurt and angry.
I just asked for courtesy to ask me if they're going somewhere in case I have something planned - that's all.
I'm also asking for courtesy about calling first before coming over to the house. I feel invaded when he's been to the house and we aren't home and he just takes stuff. Feels awful to see stuff gone.
I'm not prohibiting his time with the children or preventing their communication. Just I think he would expect the same if the roles were reversed.
Hi 123Gwen - We're hanging in there! One day at a time. Last week was an emotional roller coaster. He tried to avoid all eye contact and when he does make eye contact, he seems perturbed that he has to speak with me even when I just ask him a simple question.
I really don't know who he is.. He's very aloof with me. Now he wants to setup a visitation schedule to see the children- (finally!)So we'll see how that goes.
He spoke to our youngest child on the phone the other day and said, "Why don't you call me? Don't you love me?" Of course, our child responded "Of course I love you daddy." I didn't really like that comment since it made our child feel bad (7 yrs old). None of our children really ask to call or text him, so should I just tell them to call him at random - or should I just let the children ask when want to speak with him? I don't want to force it but I don't mind them calling him to talk to him. We all still love him and just want him home.
I don't like this...this....this new normal. Just so disappointing. I'm sure some of y'all can relate.
Really praying for softened hearts, reconciliation, love and peace.
im hurting. I dont like this. I think my DH is waiting til after the holidays to file....ugh!
DH just received Confirmation into the Catholic Church...which I love, yet he only wanted our children to attend this event and not me. I was so sad. Only one of children wanted to go when I said that daddy didnt want me there. Our youngest (who loves God and church)wanted to go "see daddy"
Of course, DH sent his mother to pick up our child. He then text 2 hrs later that he wanted our child to spend the nite. Ugh!
So, I didnt refuse or fight..I just replied that I wish he would've told me his plans so I could pack his pj's and toothbrush.
After I picked up our child, some interesting information (without prompting) came out. Turns out that Daddy had a "friend from work" there at the church...A woman.
They all went out to eat afterward - all inlaws, nephew, our child and this woman and her three kids!!!
The pain is unbelievable! I don't know if she is the OW or not. I am emotionally drained.
My kiddos need me. And to add to everything...Stress has resulted in test results to show that my cancer may have returned.
My poor children know what is going on whether I tell them details or not...they are my reason to not give in and NEVER GIVE UP! Just Needing prayer and reassurance and HOPE!!
