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So I'm sat at my D's football lesson and I seem to have got myself into a bit of a feeling sorry for myself funk. I guess I realise the distance between me and my W and that we've both been unhappy for years.

After her dads death (and my unreasonable behaviour on that day) she closed herself of to me. And even though we had another child I don't think she ever trusted me emotionally again.

She is now opening up because she has been so lonely for so long but its to anyone who isn't me. That makes me sad.

There's something Sandi said which has lodged in my head about why would she fear a backlash (I haven't worked out quoting on my phone yet). And I've been thinking about that for a while.

Yes she got a grump/sulk from me or a reactive in the moment bit of sarcasm which could be cutting and almost spiteful but I'm still not sure about this waiting for a backlash idea. Best guess is that sometimes my sulk would fester until by bedtime I would be in a right strop and ready to argue over the slightest thing. But even then it was more of a 'why do you keep shutting me out' 'why aren't I good enough for you' strop (which in hindsight are questions that answer themselves)

Her fear of a backlash seems genuine and her guard is always up for it. She almost looks for it. And sonetimes sees it where there isnt one. I do wonder how much is a reflection of her unclear but not happy relationship with her dad and that she has a history of abusive relationships (physically, emotionally and financially). Sorry just thinking out loud.

Anyways feeling sad about how lonely with both been for 3 years and how neither of us were grown up enough to find a way through.

Also I'm jealous of what others are getting from her now. As well as incredibly pessimistic for the chances of reconciliation.

I do stand by the changes I want to make because they are more about me than my R.

Please excuse my funk. I'm sure when I'm busier I'll snap out of it


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
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jim0987 Offline OP
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STill in my funk.

I realise (again) that my wife was desperate for my love and I withheld it because I felt like she was neglecting me (covert contracts). She is still desperate for love but has given up on me and started looking elsewhere, anywhere else. I would gladly love her as she wants but I was too stupid and stubborn to do what I needed to (too busy being 'nice') and now she doesn't want my love instead she resents me because of the impact that this has on our kids, the wasted years, and the difficulties it creates for her. I created my own misery and kept my W in hers.

Feeling Rubbish about it all really and want more than anything to build a life with my W knowing what I now know and making the changes to me that I need to make. And to slap the me of the last few years silly.


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Do something useful with this sadness. Don't just sit around in a funk -- make a list of ways you can change today. You say above that you have a history of sulking and working yourself up. Sitting in a funk is more of the same. If you have to do jumping jacks, meditate, or write "I will be my best self" 50 times, find a way to redirect your thoughts to a more positive place. Playing with my kids always puts me in a happy place. But no more of the same.

We all have regrets about how we conducted ourselves pre-BD. We can't change that. But we know better now so we can do better going forward. Make this painful experience useful.


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She believed she could, so she did.
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Something I like to do to spend time with my kids while they're coloring... I got an adult coloring book, either of mandalas or something very detailed (you can also print them one at a time free off the internet) and colored alongside the kids. At first you feel a little silly but eventually you get absorbed in the detail and in chatting and joking with the little ones, and your spirits lift without even noticing.

Feel better. smile


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Just made the Christmas cake with the kids so feeling a bit better.

Colouring still mainly consists of my little boy trying to eat the crayons


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Originally Posted By: Maybell
Do something useful with this sadness.
I love it, Maybell. I find that every mood can be made productive. Feeling down can bring you back to reading a chapter in DR or the 37 rules. Feeling good can make you GAL very well. Seek what you're driven to do in every mood.

Originally Posted By: Maybell
We all have regrets about how we conducted ourselves pre-BD. We can't change that. But we know better now so we can do better going forward. Make this painful experience useful.
I don't know why, but it finally resonates with me after reading it so many times around here.

Hang in there, Jim0987. You're not alone and it will get better. Paris sounds fantastic.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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So had a good day with the kids. W got back from her night out earlier than expected and was chatty before shutting the conversation down. I listened and engaged in the conversation but think I did a good job of not prying or seeming to interested.

only had one moment which wasn't great, she went clubbing loads before we got together and has been several times since BD but in 6 years of our R we've never been together - something that has always bothered me but I never mentioned to her. Anyway I had a bit of a sigh (not a huff) and when asked just said I'd been reminded of something. Left it at that.

A few times during the afternoon I was dealing with D3 (not listening etc.) W tried to jump in to help but I looked at her and said quite firmly 'I've got this' then went back to talking to D3.

I took the kids to their first ever fireworks display this evening. They loved it but dang its harder by yourself. I really missed W at that moment as its something we should do as a family. She was really upbeat when I got back - I would have thought she would also really feel like she missed out but didn't seem to or wasn't going to show it.

So now I'm sat reading (daring greatly) and she is downstairs watching TV and I imagine that is the end of today's interaction between us.

I do miss her, but if she's not attracted to me and won't lower her defences what can I do...


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This is going to take time. As she starts to see the new you, she is going to develop old feelings again. That is going to confuse her. Anytime a woman has more than one man in her head.....it is major confusion with her emotions.

I think you are making positive steps. And btw, whenever you and kids are doing something fun and she wants to join......by all means let her. Be fun and show her your charming personality. Just be prepared for things to shift at any given moment. Some guys think b/c the family had a great night together that it will be the beginning
of something. Don't go there. It's a setup for disappointment. Just take the few moments as they come and be ready for her to bounce back into her WW mode.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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jim0987 Offline OP
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So this morning I still have my feeling hopeless about saving my M on.

Its a good news bad news thing that has added to it. After I asserted myself about getting home she was expecting me to be deliberately late back as petty control. I wasn't so she was pleasantly surprised but its sad that she thinks that of me. That has never been me as far as I recognise.

Strangely when the kids are around its not really any different. My W hasn't engaged with me for years and always pulled away if I tried to hug her and I certainly wasn't allowed to kiss her because she 'couldn't see the kids'

I need to get in a more positive mindset. Its difficult to be fun when my W won't engage but at least I can make the kids giggle.

Right D and I are going to make lunch. Spanish sausage and potato bake.


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Originally Posted By: jim0987
she was pleasantly surprised
That's what we live for on this forum. It's a baby step. You're making progress. Slow, as always, but a step in the right direction nonetheless. Try to be happy about it.

Originally Posted By: jim0987
I need to get in a more positive mindset.
Yes you do. Because that's the best way to win back your wife. It's a big challenge for you than some others because you live with her. You can't let your guard down. Also, pessimis is your ennemy. It takes away your energy, it brings you down.

Originally Posted By: jim0987
Its difficult to be fun when my W won't engage but at least I can make the kids giggle.
You're not trying to engage her anyway. You're trying to build a life without her that's fun, worthy and attractive. In fact, I'll challenge you to have a good moment today where you deliberately hide from her (while she's at home). Tickle your D in a place your w can't hear you, make a fun phone call, read a little, etc. Don't put on a show for her.

Hang in there. We're there with you.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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