Barrybran - [Insert Original Thread Title Here]

[Barrybran]

Now that I've cooled down a bit I've had my first serious doubts about the future of my relationship with my wife. Some things had crept back in that made me feel that my thoughts and feelings weren't considered by her. I brushed it off as part of the process; something that would change with time and continued commitment to the process. My wife was good enough to respond to some feelings I wrote down and she unknowingly validated my thoughts about not considering my thoughts or feelings.

I'm not interested in returning to a 'my way or the highway' relationship, which is what it was prior to our problems. Throughout this process, I've learned what is important to me and who I want to be as an individual, as a husband, as a father and as a member of my community. I'm happy with where I'm at and where I'm going. I have some issues to continue to work on with how I respond to the kids, something that my wife addressed when she responded to my thoughts this morning. My kids are becoming increasingly manipulative, ignorant and difficult to deal with and I know it's only going to get worse. My wife has refused to work with me, instead choosing to tell me what she thinks is wrong about the way I deal with the kids and leaving it up to me figure it out. Granted, it ultimately is up to me and if I wind up as a single Dad, I'll figure it out. Part of being in a partnership however is working as a team and my wife appears uninterested in working together, even for the benefit of our children.

So I'm somewhat doubtful about the road ahead. My wife cited that I am incredibly busy lately, and I am with work, uni and looking after the kids and house. My life isn't where I would like it to be and I am still figuring out how to include fitness and being able to set aside quality time for the kids. My life at the moment is very much 'on the fly' as I study when I'm alert and fit in down time when ever I can because I know I can't afford to set time aside for myself.

[Bunches]

I admire the confidence you have been able to find in yourself and what kind of H or father you want to be. You seem to have found the I'm okay either way ground a lot of people struggle to find. It sounds like you guys find yourselves in some stand offs at times. How is your tone when the two of you 'discuss' something you don't agree on? They say a lot of what sets people off in arguements is tone.

[Barrybran]

The tone is calmer from me and unchanged from my wife. Honestly, outside of money and family logistics there aren't many big ticket items that we discuss at the moment. Her job search has consumed much of our attention so the bulk of our discussions revolve around this and how it will affect our family (location, pay, childcare, etc.).

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

Things could be about to get crazy in my world. My wife has been job hunting the past couple of months to no avail. A large local employer was trying to get her in and after some time without response, and being turned down for some excellent opportunities within a couple of hours from home, my wife expanded her search several hours away from home.

Last week, the local employer got in touch and informed my wife that the person responsible for handling my wife's resume had not forwarded it to the appropriate people, that that person had been removed and that the store manager had the green light to get my wife in for an interview. A couple of days later, my wife received a call from another large employer whom my wife had applied for three jobs for. That discussion led to a confirmed interview for Thursday this week.

The local job isn't what my wife wants but it's stable work that keeps us in town. Ever since we moved to the town we live in, my wife has planted roots and I've been skeptical about opportunities, particularly if the companies we worked for were dissolved (which happened to my wife) or we were unhappy in our roles (which has happened previously to my wife). There is no contingency if things go wrong. In the past year, however, I've come to realise just how important staying is to my wife and I've adopted an attitude to make things work here while taking up a university degree to cover my tracks if things didn't work out between my wife and I or either of us professionally. Funnily enough, my wife has started to see my point of view, particularly in light of what she wants to do professionally.

The local job puts her a few rungs down the ladder and there is no guarantee how long it will take her to work her way back up or whether she can do so within a single store. Each of the previous store and assistant store managers came from outside of town and have/will move on when their terms are done. My wife has been told that the company will ask her to move up and around if she is doing an exceptional job, something my wife has achieved in each of her management roles to date. The job my wife interviews for on Thursday is for a store management role that is somewhere in our state. The prospective employer is so impressed with my wife's resume that they have asked to interview her for consideration for several store management positions. In other words, my wife is being sought after and we have no idea where.

The job she interviews for will start with an attractive income though after taking increases in rent and childcare into consideration, we would probably be in a similar position to what we're in now. Financially, we would be no better off initially. Where my wife and I will benefit is from future opportunities. If my wife does well, she would move onto a bigger store, more responsibility and a greater income. For me, I have only one company I could potentially work for in our town. Outside of town, I have several options in each town plus, whilst I would like to work, it would not be necessary and I could choose between working, studying or applying for an internship in my chosen field, though I have been told I won't be taken seriously until I am at least half way through my degree, something I won't achieve for at least another 16 months.

It's been difficult to contain my excitement at potentially moving. Granted, if my wife did get a job away from home, she would work away from home until at least January as my son will be in school until December and we have previously discussed my wife clearing her probation period before committing to a big move. I've been burned in a previous job that I have banked on only to be dismissed prior to my probation expiring. Moving though brings a lot of positives: greater opportunities and security, greater access to facilities, closer to major centres, more entertainment options and greater career prospects.

The big downsides are moving away from my wife's friends and family and uprooting the kids for a potentially short term move. Now that I've finally got my head around staying it had been strange trying to play devil's advocate; supporting my wife's desire to stay, her desire for a career and being realistic about our long term prospects where we live. The tables have turned with her getting excited about potentially moving and me playing it down somewhat. I've told my wife that I support whatever she chooses to do and that if she chose not to pursue the opportunity outside of town that she had a job lined up in town and that she would still progress to where she wanted to go. We would still face a potential move in a few years but we would be financially well off while staying close to family and friends until that opportunity presents itself.

If my wife does receive and offer and accept it there will be a turbulent period through the remainder of the year. She will work several hours from home while I remain behind with the kids. I'll still have my work commitments and my wife has lined up her friend to move in to help with the house and kids. I don't know how I feel about that but I will cross that bridge when I get to it. With my work schedule, it will be very handy to have someone on hand to get the kids ready for school or put them to bed so I can continue to work and provide. As much as I won't need the money, my younger workmates are becoming increasingly unreliable and with a potential move looming, it will be good to remain flexible to my boss, who won't take the news of me potentially leaving very well.

Other than that, all is well. I am on break from uni, having just finished my first round of exams. Soccer resumes next week and I have medical tests coming up in the next couple of weeks. I have found a new hobby in updating my wardrobe and I'm looking forward to finding some time to go shopping when I have the chance.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

My wife went for her interview on Thursday and nailed it. She was incredibly excited and tried calling me at work several times before I could finally answer. I loved hearing how happy she was. Her confidence was sky high and justifiably so as she got the job. The job isn't where we thought it may be, it turned out being at a store she hadn't even applied for, but it is closer to home and my wife will be able to return home on weekends during her probation period. I will also be able to take the kids up to see her on the weekends she works.

My wife told me she felt excited, nervous, sick and relieved all at the same time. Overall she appears to understand our limitations where we live and is excited that she can further her career within a reasonable distance from home.

For me, I will become a single dad for a few months. I'm looking forward to the challenge already. I do have frequent run ins with S7 and my wife has been excellent in gently reminding me when fights aren't worth pursuing so I'll have to be more mindful when interacting with my kids. I'll also have uni starting the week before my wife leaves for training so I'll be juggling work, kids, house and uni on my own and losing eight hours per fortnight in travel. The biggest hurdle for me is being able to play soccer as it is on a Wednesday night and I am not comfortable taking D4 and D3 along without someone else to mind them. S7 will be fine and he'll have fun running around with the other young boys there.

The long term implications of my wife's job for me are increased options. I will continue working in my current job until we decide to follow my wife. When I get there I can work, stay at home with D3 and increase my uni workload or apply for work experience or an internship with one of the accounting firms in town. Aside from opening doors for me, I'm thankful for the increased flexibility my family will have and the security we'll haver when I ultimately find work in my chosen field. My wife can only move up, which may mean another move down the line but will come with pay increases, as well as the raises I will receive as I progress through my career. Hopefully in time, this will allow us to live where and how we choose without the financial uncertainty we have been living with since we arrived back in the town we live.

The biggest downsides are the loss of family and friends for my wife and kids. My wife will be OK as her former boss manages the store right next to her new one though myself and the kids will start from scratch. We do have family two hours away so we will be able to keep in touch with a few people regardless of the move.

[Barrybran]

Justiceu venting here...

Today was the day of the local races and my wife went along while I attended an appointment two hours away before coming back for work. She arranged a babysitter and all was taken care of. My wife prearranged for me to take her home after work and I told the kids what the plan was.

After work I look through two bars for my wife and settle on sending her a text message to find out whether I'm still taking her home or not. She decides to stay out so I head home to relieve the babysitter. My son was supposed to be in bed and despite getting home late, I had to explain to him that my wife wouldn't be home before he fell asleep. As expected, he wasn't too happy about that.

Fast forward two and a half hours and my wife sends me a text message to ask if the kids were asleep. Its 11:15pm and they'd been asleep for three hours. She then asks if I could go and get her. As far as I knew, my wife was only a three minute drive away. The kids wouldn't have woken up but I felt uncomfortable leaving them in case one woke up; especially when it involves someone's poor planning. I expressed that I wasn't comfortable leaving the kids and she found her own way home.

I'm glad my wife is going out and having fun. I don't like when it upsets the kids when one thing is said and another thing happens. I felt that asking me to leave the kids was thoughtless too. Maybe I'm making too much of it but it didn't sit well with me; I felt it was irresponsible.

So that's my gripe over. My wife starts training for her new job next Monday. She is gathering things she needs for her new house and we are heading over as a family on Wednesday to look at some properties. The search quickly moved from 1- and 2-bedroom units to 3- and 4- bedroom houses. My wife has remarked that she sees us all in the new town before school begins in February. We'll see how things go with her on her own first.

I'm actually looking forward to this little period. I feel that it's a great chance for the kids and I to bond, for my wife and other family members to see that I can handle the kids and house on my own and it'll be a huge achievement for me if I make it through the next University trimester with good results having played Mr Mum for three months, working, keeping the house in order, making trips up to see my wife, packing the house up and finding time for my own activities. There is a bit of a bogey as far as how my kids behave. They have been worse since the news broke but I don't know if they've actually been worse or if my wife and I are more aware of their poor behaviour since the job offer came. The kids don't usually give me much grief when my wife isn't around and I'm expecting some teething problems before settling into a positive routine. I expect their behaviour to take a massive downward swing when my wife is around and I'll be on the lookout for any negative reaction from my son at school. All in all, it'll be a big test for everyone. I'm looking forward to it though. Hopefully my wife senses the loss she's supposed to have. If she doesn't, we'll get a taste of the future over the next couple of months. Either way, I'm prepared and feeling upbeat about it though I look forward to us reuniting under one roof as a family.

[Barrybran]

Another vent:

Long day today. My wife and I took the kids up to my wife's new town to look at houses in preparation for my wife's move. We achieved what we set out to do but not without a few headaches. The trip up was reasonably smooth and the kids were well behaved. My wife set up an appointment at midday and appeared to have one eye on the clock so she was a bit short with everyone. We made it to town on time and got through the first part of the day in one piece.

Things started to unravel after lunch. Tiredness had set in, boredom had set in with the kids and tension grew between my wife and I as I was becoming frustrated with constantly being ignored, snapped at or having my ideas dismissed. This is an ongoing thing lately that is really bugging me and I'm in two minds whether I bring it up so she knows how I feel or just leaving it until things get better between us, if they get better between us.

Today's issue was about looking for 1-2 bedroom places versus 3-4 bedroom places. Our main goal is to get my wife into a place, settled and comfortable. The search started with 1-2 bedroom places and when my wife mentioned looking for 3-4 bedroom places so we had somewhere to stay when we came up, as well as the kids and I potentially moving up before school starts next year, we broadened our search. I was looking at places today to satisfy all goals; the short term of finding somewhere for my wife that would be comfortable and the big picture of the kids and I following in the new year.

My wife's apparent indecision and lack of communication is driving me nuts. I've sat back and let her drive and jumped in to help only when she has mentioned something. We've gone from looking for 1-2 bedroom places and the rest of us moving up by June, to 3-4 bedroom places in case we move up earlier, to me being "pushy" and back to looking at 1-2 bedroom places. My wife leaves for training on Sunday and instead of being sad that she's leaving, I find myself being relieved and looking forward to looking after the house and kids my way without criticism, interruption or mind-changing.

Long-term, I still see my family together as a family under one roof with an improved relationship between my wife and I. I still don't know which fights are worth fighting and which are worth leaving so I err on the side of leaving them. There was one incident today that got too much for me though; my daughters were being naughty and my wife started snapping at everyone, me included. I told my wife that I understood that she was angry at the girls but that I was becoming frustrated with her snapping at me as a result. She didn't say anything to me about it but didn't snap at me again for the rest of the day. The girls behaviour didn't improve the rest of the way home but at least there appeared to be more of a team effort in dealing with them rather than a wife-versus-everyone-else feel to things.

[Barrybran]

My situation took a turn yesterday. My wife told me that when she moves away for her job she have the space she feels she should have had a year ago at BD. She stopped short of saying that this is it for us though her language indicated she is leaning that way. I reiterated that I intended to follow her up with the kids by mid-2015 and asked if she saw us living there under one roof to which she replied "no". I expressed that I felt my thoughts and feelings had been dismissed and ignored lately and that I felt that I needed the break too. I restated my long-term desire to remain married and continue as one family unit to which she said she does not see a future with me.

I wasn't sure how to handle the next part of the conversation but felt that it was important to bring up the idea of at least trying to make things work in the long run. I say I wasn't sure how because I do feel that our relationship won't improve unless she starts taking me seriously and I can see the benefits to going out separate ways. One strong concern I have is that I will lose a lot of respect for her if she walks away without trying and that it will set a terrible example for the kids as far as trying their best in life goes. As my wife said, I hate to fail and she is right. This is a huge ego thing for me. I feel very strongly though that marriage is not something you just walk away from. Sure, I've made my mistakes but I don't feel that I should be punished for the rest of my life for them.

My wife mentioned that she feels nothing for me. From what I've read, I understand this. I didn't bring up that of course she won't feel anything for me without giving things a chance. She has poor role models around her as far as relationships go so I was always up against it. I read a while back that you have to act with love before you feel love. We go through our lives looking for love and expecting it to just happen. When I read the things I read, it made me think about how relationships begin and it was so true. Love doesn't just happen. It comes about through effort and attraction. Even when you first meet someone and have a crush on them; something about them, their looks, personality, whatever, interests you to the point that you want to get to know that person better. Knowing this, it feels like I know something that my wife doesn't and she is making a huge life decision based on misinformation. Of course, it's not my place to bring this up.

I don't really which direction my relationship with my wife will go now. I stand by my decision to commit to my marriage, I've lived my life accordingly and whatever happens, I can hold my head up and say I did my part. My wife hasn't had proper space from me in the past year and I'm hoping that she will start to miss some things about me. From reading other threads over time I feel that I may have to be more patient than ever. I expect to have to play single dad for a while, deal with a boyfriend or two and just go about my business until the fog is lifted. She may find the new love of her life but I hold hope that it'll all be a phase and that in time she'll see that I'm not so bad to settle down with after all.

Oddly enough, I was able to have this conversation with my wife without much emotion. I could have listened and validated SO much better and I feel that I got a bit excited that we had a (brief) deep and meaningful for the first time in a few months. One thing I am thankful for is the input members on this site have had on my situation. Without you all, I would not have been able to make it through a conversation with as much composure as I had. I am genuinely excited for my wife's new job and I am genuinely looking forward to having my own space without being ignored, interrupted or criticised. I do have very strong concerns about her walking away without trying but in writing this, I understand that I'm jumping the gun and that I can still pull this off with patience and support.

In terms of looking out for number one, money will be a lot tighter and my timeline for following my wife may be put on hold. I can not move without having a job lined up. This may mean that my wife will be away from the kids for longer than expected but there are a lot of what-ifs involved. I may receive enough government support (I don't want it but I may have no choice) to be able to make the move and stay afloat; I may receive a job offer early next year; I may still have a substantial credit card debt and have to stay put until its cleared. There are a lot of ways things could go right now. All I know is that I want to move the kids closer to my wife in a reasonable time but I won't do it at the expense of losing the kids to her or not being able to support myself. If push comes to shove, I'll stay put but I would like to do the right thing by all of us and move at the earliest possible time.

Some good news to finish off; I got my uni results back today and they were better than I was expecting. I've given myself a great launchpad for the rest of my degree and knowing that I've achieved the results that I have through a separation, kids' needs, constant laundry and housework, pulling long hours at work often at short notice and trying to fit in some activities for myself in around it all. It's a huge confidence boost to know that I can achieve a high level with everything going on and little support. In saying that, I'll need to make some friends this trimester or I'm going to go insane

[2stubborn2quit]

Hi Barry,

Sounds like mixed news. Great news for you, not so hot with the wife. You've done a lot of work and I would agree that your conscience is clean, you really did stand by your marriage and try to work things out. Good work, I applaud you and encourage you to do what makes you happy whatever the outcome.

[Barrybran]

Thanks for popping by 2s2q. I'm not perfect by any stretch but I'm comfortable with who I am and what I can offer people. I've had the usual emotions since the conversation and maybe I'm living in lala land but I still believe things will work out between us one day; I just have a feeling it will take longer and may detour through other parties before we get there.