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Problem is.....one has to actually "step back".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Tarheel Offline OP
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Sandi, I think I see your answer in another thread, but what does stepping back look like?

Currently I initiate contact only when necessary (usually kid related) and I do it by text/email. I don't extend any invitations to get togethers- she asked about being invited and I made my best effort of sounding like it didn't matter if she showed or not. I plan on initiating no R or D talk. If she wants to push towards D, I'll go along with, being agreeable as I can while standing up for what I want. When I'm around her, I try to be friendly but not overly.

I guess my thought is if she's having any second thoughts, why should I push the envelope? I'm trying to act like I'm ok with D without pushing it.



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I think in your stitch, and considering how everything has played out since the first, it would take more than you simply stepping back. But I don't think you will do it. When she comes right out and does something that makes you really mad, you talk about how you're through.....yada, yada. But in just a very short time, you change your tune (again) and start saying how she can take the lead or you'll just wait to see what she does, and if she still files for D then so be it.

Don't get me wrong, I like you. If I didn't I would not have stuck around. But I tried to tell you from the VP of a WAW what you should have done, and you've been just too weak and scared to do it. Now you've messed around with her so long, till I don't know if anything will work in favor of the M. But I can tell you this much, as long as she plays this game with you, there will never be stability in your relationship. She knows EXACTLY how to work you. She can dangle a little bait, you bite, and she yanks away. You get mad, she lets you cool off, and it starts all over again. If she told you she wanted to reconcile tonight, it would be no time until you would find yourself back in the same spot playing the same game.

You have not followed any advice given that required you to cut her off. All you have wanted to do is pursue, regardless of the advice given. You ask for our thoughts, but you do the opposite of what most of us have told you. I don't think it's about your great love for her. I think it is about your inability to detach and attempt to make a life for yourself. You are too co-dependent and weak, and don't respect yourself enough to reach for higher & better than this. Ask yourself why on earth you want a woman like this. And don't say it's for your kids b/c that's a cop out. You want her for "you". Why? You don't deserve better? Why would you settle for the kind of woman she is right now?

Here's the thing, Tarheel, even if she were to suddenly repent of her waywardness and beg for your forgiveness, you would (at first) think your prayers had been answered. You would take her back in a heartbeat. However, as soon as you realized you had won.....and she wanted you, do you know what you would do? You would start questioning your feelings for her. Your resentment would take over and you'd discover forgiving and putting it in the past was not so easily done. Then you would become the WAH, in heart anyway.

B/c Tarheel, all your focus has been on getting her back. You've done nothing else. You are needy, go back on your word, and you simply lust after the "win" of her. When she pulls away, it makes you want her even more. But it isn't some great love behind all of this. You want what you can't have! If you get it......then you won't want it.

So does it do any good to try and tell you what to do or not do in the stitch. You are going to let your feelings dictate your decisions anyway. frown


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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sandi2,

I really REALLY appreciate everything you say on these boards.

I'm a month into this WAW sitch and still fight to stay in indifferent/detached mode without slipping into cold/angry which I know is really pouting/neediness.

I'm learning quick from you and from experience that ANY kind of neediness/pursuit is simply not attractive.

Thank you sandi2.


Me: 44
W: 45
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Together: 18
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OM discovered: 10/16/2014
I left her behind: 12/14/2014
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Well W and I had a pretty nasty email exchange today and we are full steam ahead towards dissolution. I'm disappointed in myself that I got sucked into the nastiness, but I actually already had an email pushing D drafted and was prepared to send when she sent her email.

I want to thank everyone for all their advice and guidance. Even though I didn't follow a lot of it, I do feel like I've improved myself as a person because of this forum. Best of luck to all of you still fighting for your M. Stay strong and learn from my sitch.



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Thanks Tarheel for sharing your experience. One thing that I learn from your last message is that I shouldn't make it too easy for me to go in the wrong direction (drafting the email) or I will pull the trigger.

I hope you'll think of coming back to update us every few weeks.


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"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Not sure why I'm updating my thread, but anyways...

W continued to play mind games earlier this week after a tense text exchange, saying that she had been missing me and had wanted to talk, but nevermind. I simply asked 'talk about what?' and left it at that. She never responded.

I was talking to a mutual guy friend last night. He and his W going through a similar situation. I think I've mentioned before that his W is good friends with my W and had called me a few weeks back to talk about her sitch. Anyways, he told me last night that W had actually 'hooked up' with some guy at a vet convention they were all at LAST February. A month later was first BD. Said his W had told him that I knew all about it, so he never mentioned anything to me. Also told me that W had 'hooked up' with OM LAST summer (a month before 2nd BD) on a house boat bachelorette party. Was supposed to just be all girls, but OM and another single guy somehow went.

To make a long story short, W and I text last night. I was mainly concerned on whether I needed an STD test. She confirmed that she was drunk and 'kissed' them on impulse, but did not hook up. Who knows? I now question 15 yrs worth of marriage and flirty behavior by my W. Said she had made a mistake and it was her mistake to 'fix'. She didn't want to tell me because she knew it would hurt me. Duh. She continues to play the victim in all of this- how much guilt she's put herself through she still struggles with emotions that I have no clue about, that I've been looking for something all along so that none of the issues from our M fall on me, etc.

Still planning on proceeding towards a dissolution. Have sent W my proposed financial plan and planning on calling atty to set up an appt to at least give us a deadline to agree on things. As far as future interaction with W, I have no desire to maintain a friendship with her after all the hurt that she's put me though and the more 'info' I continue to find discover. Time to move on to a real relationship.



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I would absolutely get yourself a full-panel STD test, Tar, and then repeat it 6 months later. Best to be super careful with your own health!!


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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Thanks for updating your thread. Much appreciate, whichever way it goes. This is for people coping with separation, so we get inspiration from all models. Sorry to hear that your situation is not good at the moment. Good on you to appear so in charge and clear about your intentions.


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Tar,

How do you feel about pulling the trigger and filing for D?

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