standing on my own

[jim0987]

I really liked that post maybell. Thank you

[Ahoy]

Thank you, Maybell! I really needed to hear about those stories. Not because I want to cling to hope, but because I needed the encouragement to keep going on this path. It's hard not to throw in the towel when you're the only one doing the work, and there are no signs of change. When your H says he plans on renting his current place for years to come and goes out and buys himself a fancy new bed. When he says he'd rather grow old alone (!) and take his chances with pursuing his current relationship with OW.

Last night I read a bit of Pema Chodron. She went through two divorces -- the second one her H pulled the rug out from under her, announcing an affair and a divorce all at once. She mentioned that pain is unavoidable, but there is something we can do about our suffering, which is to detach. I am trying. Last night when my mind was racing I kept reminding me of this. I am the one creating my own suffering through my thought patterns right now. That's what I need to work on.

I did go to the movie and dinner Meetup last night and got handmade chocolates from that one guy I mentioned. But I was feeling a bit under the weather and also my heart just wasn't really in it. I know it's silly to think I'll never find love again (and also this is part of me creating my own suffering), but it is one of those thoughts that haunts me.

I try to remember that I was a whole, complete person before I met H, and that I can be that person again. That I don't need a partner in life, necessarily. I do have friends and family, and ultimately we are all alone at some point. Still, it's hard.

[jim0987]

You're never alone. You might not be in a relationship or you might be by yourself but you're never alone.

There is always someone who cares for you and usually its more people than you realise.

[Ahoy]

Thank you all for chiming in. I don't know why I'm struggling so much these days. I have a feeling that I'm no fun to be around, that all I can focus on is the M. I know this means I need to work even harder on GAL and detach. The sadness is overwhelming some days. I know my life does not have to, and will not, revolve around my H, but the past 15 years have been that way, so it's hard to break those habits of mind.

I am trying.

It's hard knowing that he's going to visit his GF next weekend. I can only hope that in spending time together they realize that they are not suited to each other for the long term. But then again he said that even if that R doesn't work out he would be okay just being on his own. Was I really that terrible? Were our issues really that much worse than the issues faced by any other long-term marriage? Were they really unresolvable? I don't think so, but it doesn't matter what I think. It won't change anything.

My heart is broken. I'm going to have to go completely dark. He has to know that he is losing me, but the sad thing is that he probably doesn't care.

I'm struggling with my sense of self-worth.

[Dawn70]

Prayers for you! While you are farther along in your "battle" than I am, I too am feeling that struggle with self-worth. I understand. While I am too new at this whole thing to offer any real advice, what I can tell you is that there are people in this world who love you and think you are very valuable to them. Try to hold onto them as best you can. And, for whatever it is worth, I enjoy reading your posts and find strength and comfort in them, as we are close to the same age and are dealing with similar issues.

[Ahoy]

Thank you, Dawn. It is nice to know that we're not alone. I am lucky to have a wonderful family and friends who love me. I don't know what I'd do without them. I need to focus on the positives. I appreciate your kind words. I'm rooting for you as well!

[raliced]

Thank you all for chiming in. I don't know why I'm struggling so much these days. I have a feeling that I'm no fun to be around, that all I can focus on is the M. I know this means I need to work even harder on GAL and detach. The sadness is overwhelming some days. I know my life does not have to, and will not, revolve around my H, but the past 15 years have been that way, so it's hard to break those habits of mind.

You don't know why you're struggling? For the past 15 years, you have gone about your daily life getting groceries, going to work, taking your daughter to school, etc, with the underlying and fundamental understanding that you had a partner in life. Now that has suddenly and dramatically been yanked away from you. In addition, many of your recent posts deal with updating 401k forms, health beneficiaries, studying the dissolution process and all the minutiae of a family separating. On top of that, you have all of your daughter's grief and angst to deal with (because I strongly doubt your H is pulling his weight with that one). Of course you're struggling, who wouldn't? If you weren't struggling with all of this I would worry about you. There's no getting around the sadness. I do reasonably well most days, but it always gets to me when I receive a piece of mail that's addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Raliced, and I realize there is no more and.

It's hard knowing that he's going to visit his GF next weekend. I can only hope that in spending time together they realize that they are not suited to each other for the long term. But then again he said that even if that R doesn't work out he would be okay just being on his own. Was I really that terrible? Were our issues really that much worse than the issues faced by any other long-term marriage? Were they really unresolvable? I don't think so, but it doesn't matter what I think. It won't change anything.

Yeah - that blows. It just does. However, I would put zero stock in his assertion that if it doesn't work out he'd be ok by himself. What else is he going to tell himself or you - that if it doesn't work out he'll come back to you? He has to justify all this baloney in his head - and the justification is that the marriage is over regardless of the fact that he just happened to recently start a relationship with another woman. And that is just malarkey.

My heart is broken. I'm going to have to go completely dark. He has to know that he is losing me, but the sad thing is that he probably doesn't care.

I don't think for the briefest second that he doesn't care. You're too awesome and you wouldn't have picked someone who is that much of a tool.

I'm struggling with my sense of self-worth.

Ahoy - This just makes me sad. And please, don't make me sad....

[Ahoy]

You're probably right, raliced. It is a bunch of malarkey. I so appreciate your insights. I hope in some small way he does still care. It's hard to see right now, in the thick of his MLC fog.
Deep down, I know I am worthy. It's hard to face rejection, and it makes me reevaluate everything in a questioning light. I am sad, but I will power through. I'm hoping for a better week.

Heading out to play music at a jam with my D14 (both on fiddles tonight). H is dropping her off. I hope he doesn't stick around. Once he brought his guitar (that I bought him) and tried to play along and it was just pathetic. I had been begging him for years to learn the songs and join us at the jams, but he waited until he had left me to do it. So I'm wondering what this evening has in store.

raliced, I treasure your friendship. thank you

[Old Dog]

When you're playing music and having fun, you'll forget about this for a while. The situation won't have changed but you'll be OK for that period of time. Which means all this sadness is just in the mind. Tell yourself this when it becomes too strong. I try to do this myself.

And I'm glad you say you have lots of people who love you. That's good. And we all do too.

(Not so) Old Dog xx

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy railed put it better than most. Your worth is without question. Rejection is incredibly hard and of course it's effected you deeply If it didn't you who be in a fog. Take care and know people who don't know you care so have no doubt your ah cares he just doesn't know if yet