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Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: shodan] #2515462
12/09/14 02:51 PM
12/09/14 02:51 PM
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theoden Offline
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theoden  Offline
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Shodan,

Random thoughts:

1. Perhaps you still aren't as much in "piecing" as you thought you were, and you're more in Divorce Busting. Your wife's need for space and her lack of transparency might be clues.

2. It's natural for you to have made saving your marriage (and, therefore, your wife) and idol. We all were there. It seems the ONLY thing that matters is getting your marriage back in order. Of course no human being can survive being someone else's god or goddess. It's suffocates them while it turns you into servile priest trying to appease their anger and predict their every desire.

3. This tells me you haven't really been Getting a Life for yourself, you've just been your changing behavior to win your wife back. Because if you actually have a life, aside from saving you marriage, you wouldn't putting so much pressure on your wife. Does that make sense? Your are acting like you are footnote in your wife's life and you've been desperately trying to re-write yourself into her story. Do you have your own story? Who ARE you? What are you non-negotiables? She's tired of being the center of your life. Write your own story, then you can weave your stories together.

4. In one of my previous posts I talked about being a emotional chameleon. It works for a very short while. But in some way you lose yourself. You end up becoming a person doing GAL's and 180's in order to control the outcome of your wife's investment in the marriage. That's less than your best self. She senses you aren't your "real" self. You are someone walking on eggshells always adjusting to her every move trying to get her to re-commit.

5. Having said this, I realize at this stage in your situation it's super-hard to find yourself, and stop pursuing your wife. Here are 2 things maybe you can do. For a while, stop talking about "your relationship" except in the marriage counselor's office. It's a safe place and it gives you some room. If Karate was not a good thing for you or your marriage, perhaps take up something else, with less of a time suck, that gets you out of your own head. This sounds silly, but take care of yourself. Ask yourself, "What does Shodan want?"

Best of luck,

Theoden

Last edited by theoden; 12/09/14 02:54 PM.



Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: Starsky309] #2515699
12/10/14 12:38 AM
12/10/14 12:38 AM
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HeavyD Offline
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Hi Starsky

I have heard many good things about you and your advice.

See my thread on walk away spouse. I am in limbo and going freaking crazy. I feel I have lost my wife forever although she does not want me to file and says she is not ready or reconcilliation "yet". These two comments give me hope or just prove I am a nut case and can't let go.

I have done all the begging, pleading, etc... to no avail. I am now in the dark phase which I am skeptical about success. How long is a reasosnable time to wait this out? My wife left in Oct 2014 (at my suggestion) and now its Dec 2014.

Any advice for a crazy impatient LBS?


Was made a better person by DB'ers
Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: HeavyD] #2516457
12/11/14 09:15 PM
12/11/14 09:15 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
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shodan Offline OP
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Theoden

Thank you for your comments. I agree, we are probably not in piecing. I was doing a pretty good job of GALing/detaching until early November when my W came to me to say that she wanted to commit to us. Since then, I have been hyper focused on our M and our R. As a result, I am not detached. I have continued with some of my GAL activities but not all of them.

I have explained to my W how sometimes I need her help, support and reassurances. Unfortunately, i think this need of mine has been received by her as suffocating. She commented that she cannot know when I might need support from her and when something she does (or does not do) may set off these feelings in her.

The past few nights I was traveling for work. While I had some depressing feelings from time to time, I realized that I can move on in my life without my W. I went out at night with colleagues and had a good time. I spoke with some women from my company and felt like I had some "game". If it were not for my kiddos, I would pick up and move to another city and start over. I would get far away from this whole situation. I love my W and want my M to work with her, but sometimes I am just exhausted from the work required. Being here and in the same house makes it very hard to detach from her. It is hard to "start over" as Shodan, the individual, when we have kids that require and deserve our love, attention and help.

I sense that my W is struggling with the same issues. Logically, she wants our M to work. We have two kids, have been together for 18 yrs, the sex is great, we are great friends, et. Emotionally, she is not sure it can or not sure of her feelings for me. She still carries around a lot of resentment about things that happened in the past (e.g., the lack of attention that I paid to her). I also know she is SUPER busy at work and under a ton of pressure. Therefore any pressure from me just pushes her away. I truly believe that if she quit her job and we moved to another city, we could put all of this behind us. Other times, I just want to quit my job and go backpack for 1-2 months to go find myself. Detach from this situation. But I cannot do that with my kids. I love them too much.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: shodan] #2516467
12/11/14 09:30 PM
12/11/14 09:30 PM
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Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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It sounds like she wasn't really ready, Shodan. I'm sorry.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: Starsky309] #2516759
12/12/14 08:01 PM
12/12/14 08:01 PM
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shodan Offline OP
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Starsky

When you were piecing with your W how long before her feelings came back? Were there times when you felt like it was one step forward, two steps back?

Shodan


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: shodan] #2516775
12/12/14 08:35 PM
12/12/14 08:35 PM
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Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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It took a good 3-6 months, Sho. A little quicker than that for the sexual connection (ironically, since that's always been our toughest issue), but the deeper emotional bond took several months and REALLY took about two years to fully get back to where it should be . . . and then better.

I think our situation was different than yours in that I pretty much vanquished the affair and pacified the town before I sought to negotiate a peace accord and then live under it, LOL. Your approach has been much more "blended" I think.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: Starsky309] #2516844
12/13/14 12:56 AM
12/13/14 12:56 AM
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nit84 Offline
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Starsky, What do you mean by "pacified the town"?


Me 47/W 34
T 16 M 13
No kids
BD 6/2013
W asked that I move out 6/2013
I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013
separate beds not much talking
Served D Complaint 5/2014
W moved out 9/27/2014
Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: nit84] #2516897
12/13/14 06:10 AM
12/13/14 06:10 AM
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Train Offline
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Just my (same ol') opinion:

A woman is not attracted to a pushover or a "pusher." If a woman is torn and unhappy, she will keep what's comfortable on a hook. Just to be "safe."

I won't beat a dead horse here. All my previous "advice" stands.

Sho, I believe in you. I have since Day One. We all do.

Time to start believing in yourself. Re-read all the great advice you've been given.

Sometimes we have to hit a brick wall before all the previously-provided wisdom makes sense. We want your M to work. But all the best advice has already been given to you, bro. Go back through your threads. Read and really absorb the nuggets of wisdom you already have.

Hang in there. But do more than hang.

You have everything you need.

Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: nit84] #2516923
12/13/14 11:29 AM
12/13/14 11:29 AM
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Starsky309 Offline
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Originally Posted By: nit84
Starsky, What do you mean by "pacified the town"?


Totally annililated the affair, took a hardline approach with my wife legally, financially and emotionally, and basically broke her.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Doing the limbo thing (thread 7) [Re: Starsky309] #2516925
12/13/14 11:54 AM
12/13/14 11:54 AM
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Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Florida
The guy who used to mentor me here had a tag line that read "Affairs are caused by poor boundaries and resentment, and fueled by entitlement."

I believe you have to really break that entitlement streak, and the wayward spouse has to sort of "hit bottom" and really get to that "OK, what's it going to take?" stage before the incredibly hard work of piecing can begin. I've never felt Shodan's wife ever reached that point. I could be wrong.

Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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