Did you believe what you validated to her or were you faking it?
I was sincere. It wasn't very difficult, considering the topic. If she had discussed her own Halloween plans on the other hand, it would have been a challenge.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Argh. I know you guys think I make too big a deal of the Halloween plans with the sexy cop costume and drinking games. But I can't get it out of my mind. I feel like I'm just before something irreparable is about to be done, with the vague hope of stopping it. But. I. Can't. Do. A. Thing. About. It.
Last year, we went around town with a duck and a witch to collect candies (W never liked it) and now she's doing this. I hate everything that vindicates her decision to leave. She's already in her costume and must be laughing her @$$ off at the office. She must feel so pleased with her decision. What a fun thing she would have missed if she adhered to the "cute couple" model! Never go back! In the conversation last night, she told me she'll be helping her boss (5 years younger than her) to get some "action" because she really needs it (her diagnostic of why her boss is difficult these days).
I know, I know: I should focus on my own plans. I have the kids and we'll be with friends. We'll have our own kind of fun. There's something to look forward to and torturing myself with what I imagine will happen to her is not helping...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
My GAL is on a roll these days. I'm on day 8 of an 11-day sequence with something special each day. Mountain biking, music show, Halloween, dinner with friends, amusement park, badminton... Of course, there's also work. It may explain why I'm feeling better, although I attribute it to time. The kids are coming back tonight, which is always a bit unnerving because of the work involved, but I haven't seen them in a week and it sounds like they had a rough week with their mom. The week-end is packed with fun, including baking our very first cake. The week will fly by, as usual. I try to accept anything and to do new stuff systematically. I hope to discover new things that I will continue doing for a long time. It's nice to have this period of experimentation.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
W just emailed me this, in response to an email about the kids' suitcase. Sorry for the language.
It's starting to get rowdy at the office!
[Boss] speaking to a colleague: "I feel dizzy when I get up..." Colleague 1: "You need more potassium." [Boss]: "What can I eat to get more?" Colleague 2 by SMS to W: "Tell her to eat d**** for potassium!!!!"
LOL
Seriously, what's the point in telling me this? She wants to make me laugh?! We barely email all week. She wants to remind me that everyone at the office has sex on their mind? That she's so tight with a colleague that s/he can talk to her about eating d****?!
What should I reply? Should I set a boundary here? Or ignore it?
I have this draft email that I won't send, but it's the nice version of what's on my mind.
"I hope you're not doing this to hurt me, but it's hard for me to know that you're getting ready for a night of sex and alcohol, that your colleagues are turned on and talk openly about sex. I wonder which colleague can talk to you about eating d****. A few weeks ago, we were still making love and I had no idea you were going to leave me. I wasn't ready for this and even though I've made a lot of progress in detaching over the last few weeks, I'm not comfortable with the fact that you're going to bed with someone else. In fact, I still don't understand why you sent me this anecdote."
Edit: Our sex life was very good until the end: we'd do it 1-2 times a week without pressure and to the satisfaction of all involved. Something to be proud of after almost 10 years and two kids. It's not like she needed to get it from somewhere else. Why all the excitement about casual sex now? Her bad friend, Anna, sleeps around a lot and is an enabler of my W's separation. That's all I can think of.
Last edited by Mozza; 10/31/1403:30 PM.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I feel your pain with halloween, I'm absolutely dreading what I may see come monday. Best I can offer is block your W off social media (i recently learned this can be done discreetly) enjoy the weekend with your kids and try not to think about what she is up to. Remember while it may not appear like it, she is hurting too and likely far more then you are. Jumping into bed with someone for a one night stand after a 10 year relationship will be much harder for her then you give it credit. She is just trying to make you jealous, the less you respond, the more intrigued and concerned she will be about you.
Me 28 W 27 T 10 M 2 No kids (fertility issues - mine) Bomb 7/20/2014 - EA Confirmed W moved out 9/15/14 W dating OM 11/22/14
OK, I'll ignore it. Thanks for the advice. I agree that it might not be that fun and, in fact, if she's too drunk it might be a minor disaster. It might be the wall of reality that she needs to hit.
This is taking me to a place of detachment after all. This and the frantic call from last night about the kids. This is not the woman I fell in love with, married and chose to have kids with. It's very sad that this woman is gone, for good or not, but I can't be in love with a woman who spits on my ideal of a family, who rejects our view of sex and love, and who doesn't love me.
Perhaps it's a self-destructive path. Perhaps she'll wake up from it and go back to her old values. At what age does it become pathetic and unfulfilling to get drunk across town dressed in an S&M costume? She might have 10 years left of this. Then again, she told me I kept her in a straightjacket and she wanted to find her true self. If that's true, then I need to move on because I can't be with her true self.
I shouldn't be carried away in her adventure. I need to maintain and reinforce my sense of self. I'm happy to have the kids for Halloween and look forward to their pleasure. I even have a costume this year.
It's just so hard to accept because just a few weeks ago...
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
You gotta let this Halloween stuff with W go. It is going to ruin a blessing that is right under your nose tonight: taking your 2 Ds out.
Doing this will only happen a handful more times in their lives, and what great ages to go out! Your focus should be on how you make this an unforgettable night.
And take pictures. Lots of pictures. And share them with W so she can have some form of sharing in the experience. It is the right thing to do.
me: 45 W:45 M 20 years T 22 years S14, S13, S11, D9 BD 2/28/14 D papers served 3/3/14 I moved out 3/15/14 MC start 4/2/14 I moved in 6/2/14 D suit withdrawn 6/30/14
