I'm Just So ANGRY to be HERE!

[HPoirot]

First, thank you so much for this board.

Since my WAW situation started a month ago, like everyone here I looked frantically for ANYTHING to hold onto... anything that would give me real hope.

The most real hope I've found so far came from right here and DB. I am truly inspired by the strength all of you show everyday.

So, here I am now to add my own strength and story...

My 15 year marriage to my wife deteriorated into a mediocre, boring existence under our misconceptions about each other, lack of effective communication neglect, missed dreams, financial stresses, career disappointments, living beyond our means and our son with ADHD.

You could say we were a couple with arguments that did not argue enough.

I angrily but silently tuned my wife's complaints out figuring we always had time to make it better. Always looking to the future...

My wife's soul quietly grew hurt over my decreasing enthusiasm about our lives, our lack of emotional connection, and my apparent lack of motivation to really change things.

And I grew tired and resigned feeling angry with my wife for not supporting me how I wanted to be supported, not touching me how I wanted to be touched, not being fun, and not loving me how I wanted to be loved.

A few years ago, then, I began an brief but very intense emotional and physical affair with a married woman I grew up with and loved in college.

As she lived overseas, at the time, it seemed safe.

I also felt safe because I told my wife all about her... except for the physical affair.

After the few nights we spent together in another city, my depression lifted (and the same for the OW).

We both went back to our lives to make them work.

That did not happen and my sadness eventually came back.

I'll fast forward to now the my next post...

[HPoirot]

A month ago my wife comes to me and pleads for marriage counseling because she's having "crazy thoughts." She does not know if she can trust me to "save her."

I do not try to understand anything she says.

We are right in the middle of a major back tax problem with the IRS so I let her outburst anger me and I really let her know it.

Then a week later, she gives me the ILYBNILWY talk.

I am angry again... but not devastated. After all, I had imagined a very happy life without her before.

But I'm angry now because it's her maybe leaving me.

She says she wants to see a therapist to work through why she feels this way. Then she wants us to go to marriage counseling in a couple months.

She suggests I go see a counselor too. I agree. She sees her therapist and begin my soul searching.

I listen to her and her angry complains about our marriage. I later write down her complaint list and see it is all true.

There are things I can change (being less isolated, having a social life, carrying myself like a success, being happier without leaning on her so much) and I begin to change them.

She also admits she was far less than a perfect wife.

I begin to see this as an opportunity for a better life no matter what happens. She feels the same.

We feel a little exhilarated together. Our lives are finally changing!

But she also mentions, in one of our talks, that she had met a handsome man on a plane to Chicago and felt an attraction. She's upset by that and says I've left her open to other men by my weaknesses.

That, and there's all these hours long calls/texts to Chicago on the phone bill at all times of the day and night that started a month ago.

That, and, on her twitter feed, she posts a quote from Dr. Phil... "Women lie to make other people feel better; men lie to escape accountability."

So I snoop. I find the number belongs to a handsome older married man from Chicago.

After indirectly confronting her a couple times and getting lies while the texting continued... I confront her with the man's name... and our live together falls completely apart.

Now we are both miserable.

She cried how sorry and awful she was to have done this. She really beat herself up with apparent self-hatred.

But, she tells me she took her phone of the online phone bill.

Now, I struggle to not feel overwhelming anger for my wife... because she has not told me she stopped calling the OM.

From what she says, it is an EA (at least not sure) that makes her feel good. She says she should be able to just say yes I'll stop calling to me and then stop calling... but she does not want to and she wants to "work out why" in therapy.

Then she says she will stop calling OM because "it's the right thing to do."

So I say "I understand. When will you stop and how will I know you stopped?"

(Was this a mistake?)

This makes her VERY angry and defensive.

And he does not say that she stopped. I'm sure they still talk.

She come to me and cries....

Says she feels low... like the lowest form of chit... that hurting me does not feel good... that she's awful... that she's sorry... that she feels terrible guilt... that she said vows and she's wrong... that she angry... that she's sad... that her body energy is messed up and she's on her 2nd terrible period this month... that she hates her boss... that she doesn't feel heard and valued...

But she won't stop calling this man.

So now, here we are, miserable...

We still live together and sleep in the same bed.

We both take sleeping pills to sleep (though she does not know I still take them). We both don't eat.

I have learned to listen to her... to really hear her and communicate she's being heard.

I even make her laugh and I can see she enjoys the time we spend together when I let myself relax and pull back and let her come to me.

She even asked me if I would like to take her to dinner after one of our good talks.

Problem is... there's anger in my eyes.

Even when I say "I love you wife" in my mind over and over while I relax and look her in the eye and let her talk... I know she can still feel it when my anger is there.

Like this morning... she's talking and I look at her reminding myself to be loving.

Then she says, "You're looking at me again with that strange stare. Are you already mad at me this morning?"

And she's smiling when she says this?!?!

I just say (maybe grumbled) "Good morning wife." and walk away.

She seems frustrated/hurt by my doing that?

Admittedly, I would have handled that better if I was relaxed. I could have said with a smile and a wink "You got me... I'm furious!"

That would have been wonderful.

But I TRULY am angry because she doing something she KNOWS IS HURTING ME BADLY.

Even so, I understand I'm to be her rock as the husband. I'm to allow her to feel safe being whoever she is being.

I it seems I'm being a little boy by throwing my hurt at her in any way.

So now, today, I'm going to accept that I'm angry and just let it go.

Just be my best self and have faith that either my wife will stop calling and tell me so or I will move on to the life I want.

Even so...

How can she see ever me as a man again if I don't throw her out of this house RIGHT NOW because she has not told me she stopped calling this man?

I know the calling is just a symptom of our problem and not the problem. My wife said the same and predicted I would make the OM calling the central thing.

I am committed, though, to not do what she expects so I don't want to bring him up again.

I am committed to find my wife's love language and talking to her with it with love. She not the enemy.

Just how to really consistently start believing that.

Do any of you deal with this?

Would you just tell her to leave in order to save your respect and marriage?

More on what I'm doing in the next post...

[Card29]

i know you haven't finished your story (good idea to break it up into smaller posts),



Also, have you read Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy? They are musts to communicate and learn effectively on this board

[HPoirot]

Thank you for that Card29. I have read Divorce Busting and, Divorce Remedy. All very helpful. I have been DBing and will list my 180s, GAL, and issues next. I sincerely appreciate any comments.

[labug]

I'd break it up even more.

But what I get so far is, you were absent in the marriage emotionally/spiritually, had an affair to try and make you feel better.

Your wife knew something was amiss in her connection with you, let you know that, wanted C but also had an affair in an attempt to feel better...

and now you're angry?

Maybe much of your anger is because she's decided to leave you.

Or, because you feel how hurtful the affair is and you know you did the same to her.

No matter, your anger is all yours to deal with. What will you do about that?

[Mozza]

Welcome to these boards. Hope you can find some help and comfort here.

Two things stand out for me in your story.

I am angry again... but not devastated. After all, I had imagined a very happy life without her before.

But I'm angry now because it's her maybe leaving me.

I understand that you're upset because she's taking the initiative. Is it the loss of control, the bruise on the ego that bothers you? Or do you really love this woman? Careful what you ask for: if she changes her mind, lets go of the OM and comes back to you, will you be pleased? After a month? A year? You can answer here, but this is mostly a question for you to answer in your heart, after some deep thinking.

Says she feels low... like the lowest form of chit... that hurting me does not feel good... that she's awful... that she's sorry... that she feels terrible guilt... that she said vows and she's wrong... that she angry... that she's sad... that her body energy is messed up and she's on her 2nd terrible period this month... that she hates her boss... that she doesn't feel heard and valued...

But she won't stop calling this man.

Well, duh. He's the only positive thing in her life. She feels terrible guilt but it's her lifeline. If she let go, it will be worse than guilt, it will be despair. This man fills a need that you don't. Sure, there's something you won't have, which is being new. But you can be the light in her life. And for that, you have to let go of your anger. You need to be a positive presence, someone who doesn't argue and nuances everything she says. A good, supportive listener. It's hard because your ego is attacked by every complaint she has, being associated with every part of her life. Believe me, I know the feeling. Her love language might be "words of affirmation" if she enjoys so much merely talking on the phone with a stranger. Think of that and find ways to validate her. See where that goes.

Good luck.

[Maybell]

Keep posting and listen to Labug. She will steer you right.


I see you have an S11. How does he factor into your thinking?

[Little]

"Welcome" to the forum. Sorry you're here but glad you'll get some good advice and friendship.

[HPoirot]

Thank you labug.

Yes, I recognize that my anger is my lame "little boy" reaction to her leaving me.

And I know I must let my anger go immediately.

One thing I'm doing to deal with my anger id to make my own happiness with GAL:

Over the years I cluelessly allowed my wife to be responsible for my happiness.

For example, my only social circles were my wife's friends. I brought no new energy into our marriage.

I now really have no close friends in this city (now that my old best friend, my wife, is gone).

Big room for improvement... so yesterday I participated in a conference to mentor young men interested in a tech career at a top internet company.

Made my own new friends, spoke on a tech panel, and made future GAL plans with my new friends as a member of this tech family.

Instant independent social life!

This was an unusually big, but easy, step for me. I had not done anything like this before because I got complacent and lazy in my life.

And doing this made me very happy because it was meaningful and I did it well.

I did let my wife know I was going, though. And I know why... it would impress her and it did.

In the future, though, I know to be more mysterious.

Even so, the co-director of the organization invited my son to the next event. I told my wife and she excitedly invited herself to come along and made plans.

She has not seen me being impactful in a big and meaningful way in a long time. I have only shown her a home bound (I work from home) introvert so she believes me to be one.

I know this will not change her very negative view of me. And I also realize she may mistake this as a lame attempt to show her a new me.

But, if I ever need to attract a new quality woman... I have to be a better me today and finally get out into the world.

So I'm going to keep doing big GAL like this consistently.

Even so, was I wrong to tell her about my GAL?

[HPoirot]

Hello Mozza. I've been following you sitch and have learned a lot from your story. Best to you in your journey and thank you for reading mine.

Finding a way to be the light in her life is where I get stuck because I'm feeling like a doormat.

The day I confronted her on her phone EA, she tearfully offered to move to her aunt's house.

I supportingly told her to stay, we could work it out, we would go to MC immediately, and I understood.

And I did understand... I had my own fog in my own long distance phone/text A so I know how addicting it is.

I told her so.

I then asked her respectfully (word I used) to stop contacting OM so we could move forward.

She said "it would take more than a day."

And I, in hindsight, messed up right there.

Since this started, that was the first day I was leading. And she responded to this.

But, to be understanding, I did not insist right there that she send the man a zero contact email immediately and to get her phone back on our phone bill (she hid her phone bill earlier that day after confrontation).

The next day, she talked about how horrible she felt and I really listened. We connected in a way she much later called "euphoric." She called me handsome and looked her sexy self again. That was my best moment so far.

Then, on that SAME DAY, after I had a couple beers with her and confessed my weaknesses (mistake), she burned me down to ASHES by attacking my character and ability to support this family.

I walked away cool... then later I sobbed in my locked bathroom.

Unfortunately, she heard that and came to comfort me and apologize... and, worse, a part of me wanted her to. That was my lowest moment in all this and where I started to turn around.

A week later, more in control, I started to pull back on doing things for her. I drive her to work some days. This day she asked, and I indifferently told her to give me 20 minutes.

This clearly bothered her. She took the bus.

That night, she meekly mentioned the incident and asked if she should ask me for anything anymore.

I said I'm happy to help her... but I'm not going to sacrifice my self-respect. She understood but said to my face she still felt like calling this man.

So now I'm here, 2 weeks after EA confront, with her ongoing EA. This after she said she would stop and heard me say I want transparency.

All the while, she still wants me to have R talks with her, be happy when she's happy, sad when she's sad, respond to her emails, and wanting life to "go back to normal" while she considers moving out when she can afford it.

Worse, she's pushing for MC so we can be kinder to each other. She does not know about R.

Inner voice is SCREAMING at me that this is WRONG!

So yes Mozza, when she comes to me and we have those nice talks and laugh, I want to talk her LL. Part of me is dying to.

But part of me knows this is the "cake eating" I read in Sandi's posts.

So I am now 99% committed to giving her the "no R talks until zero OM contact" warning.

Part of me really wants to tell her to leave.

After all, her problem with me is that I have not shown up as a man for her. I can't sit here after that and talk LL while she EA.

Then I think this will not bring her closer but will push her all the way away.

Torn on this one.

I do love this woman. I do believe if we try (we never really have together) that we can have the epic love of a marriage we both want.

If you could tell me what you would do, I would appreciate it. Thank you.