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Thanks, Lisa. Always great to get some positive feedback. It's true, I really have no idea what is going to happen next!

I had a good session with IC last week. We were talking about how I can better manage some of the work-related issues that come up periodically and which contributed to me being stressed at home. I expected us to discuss a few things that I could try to implement at work…but instead she recommended that I work on getting some daily mindfulness practice into my schedule outside work. That way I am more likely to come to the issues from a calmer, less reactive state. I love the idea of committing to doing something (daily mindfulness practice) rather than committing to not doing something (not reacting). Makes a lot of sense!

I mentioned that I'd been dabbling with mindfulness but was finding it hard to settle down in the mornings in the rush to get out the door (plus, you know, the sitch is on my mind). She suggested that I try going for a walk before sitting down to practice. So for the last couple of days I've woken up, walked to a nearby park and sat there for 15 minutes for my mindfulness practice. I have to say, the walk definitely puts me in a better mindset to start my practice. Highly recommend!


H 37 Me 36
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(posting here because I can't say it otherwise)

Dear H,

I miss you and I love you. I miss that I can't say that to you - and haven't in 5 months. Lately I've been doing well in your absence but tonight - while attending a fundraiser ball in an attempt to move forward with my life - I miss you and all that you bring to my life. I know that we are traveling different paths right now but I still hold out hope that our paths will cross at some point…that we will be that couple who is able to look back and say our relationship was never better.

All my love,
G

Last edited by ganb8te; 10/31/14 03:42 PM.

H 37 Me 36
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I've been waiting for the other shoe to drop and sure enough…the PMA I've maintained the last few weeks came crashing down this weekend. I miss my H. It's 5 months to the day since he moved out. We've not exchanged any angry words in that time, but no loving ones either. It feels like he's not moving away from me quite so quickly as in the beginning, but there doesn't seem to be any movement toward me either. For example, the rental bond money that was deposited into our joint account when I moved out of our old place is still in the joint account 2 weeks later (before he was eager to take his half out). Then again, that could all just be my imagination.

I've mostly been doing LRT til now and letting him initiate contact. Last weekend I initiated contact and he agreed to meet up. Talk is really strained when we do meet up (he says he hasn't got much to say) and I'm not sure if/how I can help steer that in a more positive direction. Any thoughts there? A guys perspective would be really appreciated. I know the need to talk is different for men and women and so I wonder if I am aiming for the wrong target...

I keep going back and re-reading DR for ideas on what to do. I confess I have found it difficult to set goals. Sure I can set some related to GAL etc…but I struggle to think of things that might help me figure out if the R is moving forward given that we are separated. The obvious one would be that H initiates contact more frequently but that is not achievable in a couple of weeks! Has anyone here had success with writing solution-oriented goals in this situation? Care to share?


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Tough mindfulness practice this morning. Too much on my mind...


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It's good to see you're practising (or attempting to) mindfullness ganb8te. I like the idea of going for a walk and doing it in the park. I go to a group meeting on Wednesday evenings but don't do any by myself bless I'm feeling really low, in which case I e got Oli Doyle on my iPhone to help me.

I like your letter. Well, like isn't the right word but you know what I mean. I say a similar little speech to myself before I go to sleep each night.

As far as a guy's perspective goes, I don't know if I'm a typical guy. I never felt like one. I'm trying my best to keep a PMA, appear cheerful and initiate a conversation with my wife. I'm not much of a talker, so this is a small 180 for me. But sometimes it's like sweeping blood out of a stone and it's just too much effort. But keep going, it gets a little easier. OK there will be days when you go back two steps. You just have pick yourself up and try again.

It will help your own self worth whatever happens. I'm feeling a lot more like my old self now. I think my wife must have taken note but she's not showing any sign of budging. The elephant in the room has shrunk though thank goodness.

Do the breathe thing and let us know how you're getting on.

(Not so) Old Dog xx


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What is he passionate about? Most guys talk about the things they are passionate about when they feel comfortable. Football, work

Not saying that you have to talk more, but you need to make interaction with you feel comfortable he might then engage more (less defensive at least).

rereading DB and DR is good but you might want to look at some of the other books about better communication in general.


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Thanks, Old Dog and Jim.

Old Dog - I use the Headspace app for mindfulness. By your fellow countryman actually - Andy Puddicombe. I much prefer his voice to many of the other apps out there. Interesting to hear you say you don't feel like a typical guy - I think my H would say the same. He wasn't much of a talker at the best of times which makes it all the more challenging now. That damn elephant, huh? When's it gonna move on out?

Jim - thanks for the suggestions. We do talk about his work, family updates etc and I ask about what he's been up to on the surfing and ultimate frisbee fronts. He doesn't really run with it though. I want him to feel comfortable talking but maybe it's just too soon. Or maybe I'm just bothered by it because I'm a woman and I need talk! I've read Nonviolent Communication, How To Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It and an abridged version of 5LL. Are there others you would recommend?

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Connecting through yes was reasonable.
Stop arguing , start talking had a good analysis of what people feel when they speak.

Its difficult to say really though. Every time my W gets chatting she seems catch herself clam up and immediately bring up something to do with the divorce.


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5LL is good as is His needs, her needs.

They are useful surrounding reading but DR is still the core text here.


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Ganb8te! Hi! I feel like I might have some advice for you and I love your questions as they are exactly the same as mine!

I have a hard time with the goals too. I think it is very difficult to have relationship goals with no relationship! I hope someone drops in with some ideas about that.

And I have a hard time with the talking too. I am very talkative and usually have no problem coming up with topics but I struggle a bit with that in the current situation. I don't want to talk too much, I want to leave space for him to talk, but then it seems like he brings up R talk and not the good kind. But I have some advice for you - and I should use it myself as well!

1. find interesting topic, educate yourself about it, ask what they think.
Start reading something new or listening to the radio, something you don't normally listen to or some magazine or newspaper you don't normally read. Find some current event, some medical breakthrough, technological innovation, some interesting study (or more than one thing) that you find really cool. Talk about that. Say "oh I just read the most interesting thing..." tell him about it, ask him if he knows about it, listen to what he says, then the key thing... ask him "what do you think about it?" and listen. Have a discussion or debate. I find men LOVE this. I forget to do it. And I also forget to really listen to what they say and ask a lot of good questions. It works. And it is a safe subject. smile Maybe have a few interesting things in your arsenal in case he is bored by the first topic you pick.

2. don't meet to talk, meet to do something!
Instead of meeting to talk - dinners, drinks, etc - meet to do something! Have an activity other than sitting. Go for a walk somewhere interesting, go hear music, go to an event, go food tasting or wine tasting or beer tasting, go for a hike, boat ride, swim, gym workout... it doesn't matter what it is! They say men bond over activities not talking. That men always DO things together. Well, that is not always true, plenty of my man friends meet up with each other for drinks. But they often like to watch sports, play sports, build something, hear music or do some activity together. They also say a good way to build excitement in a relationship is to do something new and exciting together, like bungee jump, travel to a new place, do something totally new and different, etc. The excitement over the new activity is supposed to spill over onto the couple's feelings about each other. So suggest something casual like you did last time but a fun activity.

Those are my suggestions. I hope they help. I need to take my own advice!

Let me know if you come up with any goals.

Big hugs, Lisa

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