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I am so sorry CaliGuy- my H only had an EA but that was devastating enough, I can't even imagine how you are feeling. Sending ((hugs))!

I agree with Georgiabelle though- don't make any rash decisions based on your emotional response in the moment. From what I've read this far I don't think you are ready to throw in the towel.

I also want to give you some insight into what a wonderful son you have! I was that kid too- but the opposite. My dad was having an affair for years and I was introduced to her as his colleague. He lied to me for years and when I figured it out I told my mom. She handled it very different than you are- she put me in the middle and would get angry that I still loved my dad and was trying to have a relationship with him while navigating my own confusion over the situation.
You are being a loving and supportive father that is trying to keep your son out of the middle as much as possible. The fact that he prays for his mom is a beautiful thing. You can't prevent the impact on him but you are softening it significantly with how you are handling it. That will make a big difference for him as a husband and father later.


Me 41 H 40
M 20 T 23
S 19,16, 8 D 13
BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work
BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D
Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015
Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
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CaliGuy Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Nitty
Damn, that's tough, Caliguy.

First, on the Catholic issue. Talk to a priest. Talk to a couple of priests! Get a number of opinions. Change is afoot in the Church. Here's a news article about possible changes the Pope may be proposing on D.

Not sure what to say about your W, except bam, she was guilty and out pops that ugly MLC Blame again. The MLC Zombie... so aptly described. All the rot and decay that was on the inside is now revealed on the outside, even S7 can see it.

I am glad you've got what looks like some seasoned male friends who can advise you and show you there is a good life for you no matter what the outcome.


Nitty thank you so much for your words... I followed your sitch and like I said before .. you have been inspirational for me.

It is what it is ... I have no idea what is going on or to what extent. I do know weekends she may have seen him on a Saturday .. I think Mondays are and have been "their" day ... not like it all matters but I am past getting completely distraught about it. It does explain the spew from a few weeks ago, making me back into that person she justifies leaving.

As far as the Church thing, yeah I plan on talking to a priest .. but like I said. I have given my marriage and my wife to God, and regardless of what happens I know I will be in a better place. I am on the right path .. sure I have my bumps and things I must always work on .. But I am a great father, and will continue to grow as a man .. and one day God willing a husband (Regardless who the W may be if that's in the cards at all)

Last edited by CaliGuy; 10/31/14 03:57 PM.

M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: Nitty
I wanted to add: I've spent some time studying Mark 10: 4-11 (natch, considering my sitch).

Every time I read it I get the same thing out of it. Some of us humans have such hard hearts that they see D as a permissible way to escape their marriage (your W, my H at one point). God allowed D to happen in such a case (through Moses) because of the hardness of those hearts. He allowed a law to be written.

But Jesus was clear that the person doing the D (H or W) was committing adultery if they remarry. He said absolutely nothing about the LBS being D by their hard-hearted WAS. I took comfort in that. To me, what Jesus says (or didn't say) trumps everything.

Does that mean that the spouse of [an abusive / adulterous / addicted / etc.] person is sinning by petitioning for D?

I don't know. That's God's business, not mine. But for my sitch and yours, I believe we're the ones who were getting axed by D, not doing the axing.


I was knee deep for some time .. I have not just sat and read The Word in some time .. I do listen to sermons everyday.

My readings lead me to this .. God does not like divorce, however when adultry is commited we have 2 choices... divorce or forgive. I think that is my question with the Catholic church .. they do not have this outlook ... while other Christian churches have thie loophole built in.

I am no saint .. I get that... nor am I holier than thou ... however I have turned things around in my life and was hoping the rest of my life would follow suit .. He still has alot of work to do with her, and I am not the most patient person in the world. Thing is .. while I was oblivious we were getting along fine .. it just stings thinking I was proud of her for just sticking to herself and trying to be alone for a bit ... turns out she was never alone .. its either with OM .. or she returns to me to an extent ... total cake-buffet and I had no idea. Lesson learned .. and I will continue to work on what I can ... Me


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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: daring
I am so sorry CaliGuy- my H only had an EA but that was devastating enough, I can't even imagine how you are feeling. Sending ((hugs))!

I agree with Georgiabelle though- don't make any rash decisions based on your emotional response in the moment. From what I've read this far I don't think you are ready to throw in the towel.

I also want to give you some insight into what a wonderful son you have! I was that kid too- but the opposite. My dad was having an affair for years and I was introduced to her as his colleague. He lied to me for years and when I figured it out I told my mom. She handled it very different than you are- she put me in the middle and would get angry that I still loved my dad and was trying to have a relationship with him while navigating my own confusion over the situation.
You are being a loving and supportive father that is trying to keep your son out of the middle as much as possible. The fact that he prays for his mom is a beautiful thing. You can't prevent the impact on him but you are softening it significantly with how you are handling it. That will make a big difference for him as a husband and father later.


Daring .. thank you so much for taking the time here. And no .. I am not throwing in the towel .. stomping around throwing a mini fit maybe .. but I am back to center now.

Few things I thought about from this ... and you are right .. S is an amazing little boy, it kills me he is as exposed to OM as he was, and now obviously sees his mom as a sinner, and a cheater .. he does not know about the MLC thing but I did try to explain to him why I have not left her as best as I can without appearing weak.

I too ... was exposed to my mother cheating .. my father was always away for work .. I am sure they both had PA's ... but they loved each other. I honestly never respected my mother much because of this .... and now its repeating itself in my marriage. Its a shame .. but she created this .. not me .. she was doing well at fixing things between he and her .. but I see the confusion with him, how can he trust her knowing she has decided to choose this other guy ... again .. I can not do much but be his hero the best I can.

Speeds up my plan of a better living sitch for he I and our dog. Jan 1st I will be focused on that completely.


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I'm so sorry you found this new information regarding OM. I can only imagine how much that must hurt.

Nitty's words of wisdom make sense to me. You are a loving spouse standing by his M and family, attempting to work it out. God knows the truth, right?

Quote:
I have given my marriage and my wife to God, and regardless of what happens I know I will be in a better place. I am on the right path .. sure I have my bumps and things I must always work on .. But I am a great father, and will continue to grow as a man .. and one day God willing a husband (Regardless who the W may be if that's in the cards at all)


Considering the cards you've been dealt, I feel you are doing well. I have confidence that you will continue to so. Bust On, Mr Cali, you got this.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Originally Posted By: ForeverYoung
I'm so sorry you found this new information regarding OM. I can only imagine how much that must hurt.

Nitty's words of wisdom make sense to me. You are a loving spouse standing by his M and family, attempting to work it out. God knows the truth, right?

Considering the cards you've been dealt, I feel you are doing well. I have confidence that you will continue to so. Bust On, Mr Cali, you got this.


FY Thank you so much ... You of all people I could learn a bit of patience from .... you seem to have truck loads of it parked in your driveway!!

The funny thing is .. thinking about it .. I am in a way releived. I was starting to fear she was getting used to being alone. But in another way I am disappointed because I was actually proud of her for starting some independence, but this all does explain her actions towards me the past 3-4 weeks.

And yes .. I will carry on as I have been.


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How did last night go Caliguy?


Me 48 H 46 S 11
M 2004
BD 8/13
H moved out 2/15
-live in the present, enjoy the beauty around and within you, explore your new future-
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Originally Posted By: mleigh4
How did last night go Caliguy?

Not good .. .not good at all. I will try to recall as much as I can .. ALOT was said.

So I had S .. everything was fine .. she wanted to take him to the neighborhood we lived in, its really nice and everyone is into Halloween.

I decided I was not going to bring it up, ust fake it .. and get through the night as we have been getting along. She asked what was wrong .. I told her I had alot on my mind .. she kept pressing .. thats her thing .. the woman never lets up .. so I told her S seen she is still talking to this guy, that S prayed for her ... prayed that she stop sinning... and I put 2 and 2 together and realized its been the past couple weeks. Right after she picked a fight .. (MLC Script here) I did get some good truths in, was calm at first but being in that old neighborhood realizing she was with this guy and lying to me back then, ruining all the Holidays .. I was not doing well.

She did her spew, that she is involved with him, I need to get over it .. bla bla ... so I returned fire and dropped the only bomb I have. I told her we are still married, she is still my wife and I will fight for my family .. she said her relationship with him is none of my business I told her it in fact is MY business as my family and my wife are completely my business and I will no longer just stand around.

We did this inbetween S gong to the houses .. was almost funny .. Oh hey buddy what did ya get ... to fighting. So anyways .. I then she said she wants the divorce just was waiting till her brother stuff was done and was looking to file after the year, I told her .. OK .. .I will have a talk with OM, I also plan on talking to her entire family and exposing her little secret .. this flipped her out. Honestly I do not want to do either and know it would be bad .. but part of me does .. will it win her back .. no .. but it does show I will fight for this. I am still thinking about this .. I am also thinking if I really want this M ... I just dont know anymore.

I did set a boundary during this fight .. no more texts or phone calls about us .. all discussions will be in person, so I can make sure I am clear and not misunderstood .. nor hung up on and vice versa. she blew up my phone .. even tried calling while I was working Halloween ... I DJ'd and not like I can answer ... she tried again today.... I held firm

So I did get some good darts in .. she asked why I wanted to be with her, I told her she matters to me .. my family matters to me .. she brought up my newfound religious activities .. I told her I wanted to be there for her .. she brought up I had the chance the other night but didnt answer/reply ... totally not fair .. 2 in the morning ... I did not bring up the fact that she is not calling texting Om when she is sick .. but thats what she does.

I also put 2 n 2 together ... seems OM is the one that calls it off with her, and then contacts her and off she goes. Not that it matters .. but seems she is more into him than he is into her.


So ... I am not sure what or where I am at honestly .. just kinda numb today, detached .. maybe its LRT time .. but I am more of the opinion of just living my life .. maybe she comes out of the tunnel .. maybe she never does .. I try to remind myself its in Gods hands .. but I am not to happy with His way of dealing with this .. it could honestly be less painful. Had S not told me what he did .. it would have been avoided completely .. I would have been blind to it all and able to show all my progress ..... she did comment I looked good and lost wiehgt .. and liked my Harley hoodie ... all these positives went out the window shortly after.


M: 48
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Ouch. Sorry to hear, Cali.

You said a lot, maybe too much? It certainly put her on the defensive.

But if you made a firm line in the sand then that should be upheld.

My suggestion would be no relationship talks at all... they never help at this point unless you want reason to end the M. Just try to be friendly when interacting.

Try not to worry too much about what was said last night. This one interaction is not going to end your M. Bust On, my friend!

Last edited by ForeverYoung; 11/02/14 06:20 AM.

M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
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Sorry to hear about this Cali,
The one small point you made about not liking "His" (God's) way of dealing with this...I thought that many times but what we both need to remember is that God gave us all a great gift...free will. He allows everyone to make their own choices. He can only guide us. It's your W's choice to see OM, God can only show your W through consequences whether her choices are "right or wrong". Remember you also have free will to make your own choices, you are as free to make good one's as you are free to make bad ones and you also have to live with the consequences of those choices.

Hang in there Cali. Be the good father you are being now. Make the choices that you will be proud you made no matter what happens with your M in the end!

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