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Have to get this off my chest. And I feel better when I do.

So I took the kids there costumes last night before I went out. The wife decided that she would take the kids to the business trick or treat and I could take out the kids for Halloween trick or treat. I asked the kids and they said they where fine with this( I did tell the wife she was not thinking of the kids, she said that they have to get use to us not being together on holidays anyways). What ever if the kids are happy. The kids wanted me to watch them wrap a present for a friends birthday party this weekend so I watched. The wife made a few comments saying how come your interested in all this stuff now and it's some of the stuff I wanted to do. That being really mean and throughing it in my face. I said no it's not it's stuff that I want to do and I have one choice in life and that's to move forward. She said how come you never did any of this for the past 12 years. And said I just want to try new things. I asked how she was doing and she said what do you care. I said I do care. I asked if she wanted the names of the counselors. She said no. This is where she started to cry a little. I said what do want from me, I am the ex husband this is the most I can do for you. She said I don't need anything from you, I'll stop asking. I said you need help and you should call some one. You have the kids and you should be happy and your not. Why aren't you happy you don't want me you should be happy. She just had a very sad depressed look on her face. We went out to smoke real quick before I left and she was talking about my GALS and what a different person I am (I am dressed very nice last night and I looked very good). She asked if I was going bowling. And I said ya I'm going bowling dressed like this. She asked so where are you going, I gave a little smirk and smiled. She said I would tell you. I changed the subject.

I ran home real quick because I forgot something for the kids for Halloween at school. When I returned she was laying down on the couch. I told her if she needs help with the depression give me a call. I wish I could do more. She started to cry and I started to leave.

This is where she will have to answer to god some day! My youngest grabs my leg and says dad I want to go to your house. I gave all the kids hugs and said good bye. The youngest starts flipping out on how he wants to come with me and come to my house. She yells at him from the couch to nock it off. He continues and gets worse. I tell him that he gets to see me tommorow for Halloween. And he gets to come to my house on Sunday. I tell him he should stay there and have fun with mom. He keeps flipping out and my daughter has to grab him( not even the wife she didn't even get off the couch). She grabs him as I run out off the house. Now that is messed up!!!! What is wrong with this woman. I hope that burns into her brain because I will remember it forever! My poor kids.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
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Just weighing in on a few things.

COUNTLESS are the times that I dealt with my son breaking down when I was dropping him of with XW. The door would close behind me and I would cry my effing eyes out -- it was more pain than I could handle. Not sure of your entire situation - but that is something that is always hard. Even though your wife seems rigid on the exterior -- it's hurting her on the inside...she just isn't goingto let YOU see that.

The other thing is this...your remarks are too much to her - it almost seems as if you are taunting her -

"You have the kids and you should be happy and your not. Why aren't you happy you don't want me you should be happy"......that pretty much is taunting. Trust me...I get it, there is a part of all of us that wants to break out the rolled up newspaper and take a swipe at your S.O. when you see them suffering from their own decisions. But truthfully, it's more about YOUR unhappiness in those moments than hers. Don't take the bait and don't push buttons when they are vulnerable. If you don't feel like you can say anything constructive - don't say anything. Simple rule - but effective.

Crimson

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Quote:
The wife made a few comments saying how come your interested in all this stuff now and it's some of the stuff I wanted to do.


"Let's just say I've had my eyes opened".


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi!

I feel really defeated today! My hope is dimensioning. I just wish there was some sort of sign I was going in the right direction.


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Originally Posted By: 3kids
I just wish there was some sort of sign I was going in the right direction.
Oh please! Your wife notices your changes, is depressed because reality hits hard, the kids show her the pain she's causing, she's curious about your whereabouts, etc. What do you want more at this stage? It's as good as it's going to get for now. Be happy with what you got. smile


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Sounds like a good day to put your head down and just plow forward. Feelings will come and go - what you have to do is figure out where you want to go, how you are going to get there, and the rest is just doing the work whether you feel like it or not.

Another response, similar to sandi's:

"I made mistakes in the past and I have no intention of repeating them."

These are not magic responses, they are just statements of truth. So there is a way to respond to your W's remarks (if warranted) in truth and without the backhanded ~"this is the life you wanted" response that you have tossed back at her when you weren't in full control of your emotions and actions.

The reality is your W isn't REALLY asking why you are acting like this now, she's expressing her displeasure that you are acting like this NOW...and not back when she wanted you to. Right NOW, she doesn't want you to be like this because she has already written you off and labeled you, and these actions of yours don't fit any of the labels she has put on you, so it frustrates her and she probably doesn't believe your changes either. But she's obviously noticing them, so just keep on becoming the man you want to be. Put your head down and plow forward.

-PM


M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds

"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
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Quote:
I feel really defeated today! My hope is dimensioning. I just wish there was some sort of sign I was going in the right direction.


You are just expecting the wrong type on signs. Her whining about you doing things now that she use to want from you......are signs. She will be angry that you waited till she was through with the M and then made your changes.

Her feelings didn't change overnight. You may have been in the dark about it, but it took time and her feelings slowly changing to get her to the place of being "done". It will take time and her feelings slowly changing for her to work her way back. That will require her to go through phases of anger and depression and facing her reality as a result of her own decisions. It takes her looking back at you and seeing a man she gave up and second guessing that decision.

You don't have to defend yourself with some deep explanation. Let her feel what she feels. Unless she starts getting disrespectful, you may try agreeing with some things she may say.

W: "You never did this when I wanted you to."

H: "You're right, and I regret it now."

W: "So what are you trying to prove now? Do you think being super dad is going to get me to go back to you?"

H: "I'm not trying to prove anything. I have my eyes open and trying to do better. I am not trying to impress you or anyone else.". (That may be too wordy. You could just pick one of those sentences to say.)

W: "Well it won't last. You will fall back into your old habits."

H: "You may be right, but I hope I've leaned my lesson. I guess time will tell."

It would be easy to give a wordy reply.......which could easily lead to a R talk. But that is not the goal here. The goal is to give short answers that will not turn into an argument or R talk. Let her see that her cutting remarks will not goad you into a speech or reaction.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thank you so much you all. I guess I was looking for more of a different sign. But I am no where near the place of the signs I was looking for.

Last night was fun, I got to take the kids out trick or treating. First year I have ever dressed up and gone out with them. Kids loved it, the wife even made a comment on how she liked it. I couldn't believe it she got dressed up and volunteered at school for the youngest. Big change for her, I was happy to see that part of her return. Even complimented her on it. It was good to see. Before she left she told me wear she was going and I blew it off. When she picked up the kids, I told her thank you for letting take them out.

She told me she was going to see an old friend of hers. This friend is a great person I've know for a very long time and the whole family. It made me kind of happy. For these reasons, the mom and dad just recently got divorced, the dad's choice (MLC). But the mom has been a really good friend of my family, she helped us out tremendously when my dad died. She still holds hope that her husband will snap out of it (although he is kind of a puke). Her and her daughter live together now. The friend was recently engaged to a some what nice guy. Until she found out he was cheating on her. This friend has been to the hospital at all our kids births, that's how close they use to be. The friend and her boyfriend are trying to work it out now, nearly 8 months later. This convo made me happy because if there was a great person to steer her back to reality it would be her. In the convo I got to acknowledge forgiveness, happiness, and future. Great convo.

Even got more questions from the wife. On what I was doing last night or the weekend. Once or twice when she dropped of and twice when she picked up. Always asking if I was going out to the bars. Now all my plans had gotten canceled but I wasn't going to let her in on that. So I just simple said the whole time "haven't decided yet". But yet told the kids dad was going out after mom picked them up. So it was a good night until she had to get the last word in. She said some one else would be dropping of the kids on Sunday because she was going to a concert. All I said was "have fun". Trying to through him in my face.

This OM is just useing her and she can't see it. And it kills me. The kids are happy because he is not around that much. He apperantly comes to the house after there in bed and leaves in the early morning. Doesn't spend time with them. I think I have this guy figured out pretty good now. He still has not met any of her family, when he comes home he apperantly spends a lot of time with his elderly parents. And goes out occasionally with the wife. Basically a friend with benifits. He is a weak weak man. And I pray to god I never meet him. Because right now he is just a sample of the probalames in our marriage. If I where to meet him his face would be burned into my memorie.

Thank you all so MUCH!


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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Great job! whistle


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Thanks Sandi!

Finally got to work out yesterday. And I forgot how much that boost your ego. I was down a good couple of weeks. So it really helped. Her asking my warabouts is a good thing and if I like it or not her throughing there fun in my face is a good thing(I think).


M36/W30
S13,D10,S6
Married 4.5 together 12
Bomb 1/14
EA/PA OM 1/14 still going
Served 2/14/14
Separated 3/14
D paused 6/14
6/15 divorced
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