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I know exactly what you mean but you had a life before. I miss my W but at least I see her and my kids everyday. No contact would be so painful because my feeling of helplessness would increase.

BUT I'm not helpless.

I hate that my W is dating and that she hates me and that she blames me for everything. I hate this hurts my kids. I hate that I know I let her down as a husband and myself as a man. I hate that my W is desperate to get as far away from me as possible as quickly as possible. I hate that she worked against me not with me. I hate the pain this causes everyone. I hate OM is damn ugly (he could at least be attractive).
I hate that I'm going to miss out on the life I wanted. I hate the way she has changed. I hate the effort she is making for OM abd her casual flings - effort she never made for me. I hate the connection she has with her poisonus friend. And I hate the fact that I know she will be happier because she can't have been anymore miserable.

But quite a lot of what I hate is jealousy

However...
I love that I can make plans to see friends without asking permission
I love that I can just do things with my kids when I have them
I love that I can see my family more
I love that I've finally told my dad what I've needed to for 30 years and we are closer than ever
I love that I have a whole new understanding of me and my behaviour
I love that I've learnt better ways to parent
I love that I'm learning new skills (empathy, LLs, assertiveness, having a spine etc.)
I love that I'm watching less TV and getting my fitness back
I love that I'm actually trying to make something positive from this
I love that there are strangers who will take the time to help and support me.
And there is part of me that loves the fact that when all is said and done I will be able to look my kids in the eye and genuinely know I tried.


Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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edz Offline OP
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Hi Jim

All excellent points and I wouldnt argue against any of them.

I think I just need to work out who I am now or at least can be, the man I was 15 years ago is plain gone, the man I have been since well the good version seems to have gone AWOL at some point and the man before BD date isnt required to come back ever. My 180 / post BD persona is a good one and has some far more positive features as well as being slimmer, healthier, more assertive and not a doormat and having a much better relationship with his S.

From there, I dont know.

I suppose, unlike some on here who've had a much, much, much worse time with their WASs I simply dont know what she wants now. She's not in a PA or EA that I have a shred of evidence for, she just hangs with S all day, every day, every week I dont have him and her fears over my relationship with him and - as misplaced as they seem to be - her fears over him being upset mean shes not opening up that access to me for regular times with me at home. Its that thats paralysing me and the main reason I agreed to move.

One way or another I think that will start things changing, I hope and prey they go the way I want them to but if they dont then at least I can start to rebuild from the total destruction and not be in a limbo state.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 205
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Originally Posted By: jim0987
I hate OM is damn ugly (he could at least be attractive).


That made me laugh out load .

My W other man is not a good looker either and is such a pussy which I don't understand because I always thought she waned a man to protect and look after her .


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 205
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Originally Posted By: edz
Hi Jim

All excellent points and I wouldnt argue against any of them.

I think I just need to work out who I am now or at least can be, the man I was 15 years ago is plain gone, the man I have been since well the good version seems to have gone AWOL at some point and the man before BD date isnt required to come back ever. My 180 / post BD persona is a good one and has some far more positive features as well as being slimmer, healthier, more assertive and not a doormat and having a much better relationship with his S.

From there, I dont know.

I suppose, unlike some on here who've had a much, much, much worse time with their WASs I simply dont know what she wants now. She's not in a PA or EA that I have a shred of evidence for, she just hangs with S all day, every day, every week I dont have him and her fears over my relationship with him and - as misplaced as they seem to be - her fears over him being upset mean shes not opening up that access to me for regular times with me at home. Its that thats paralysing me and the main reason I agreed to move.

One way or another I think that will start things changing, I hope and prey they go the way I want them to but if they dont then at least I can start to rebuild from the total destruction and not be in a limbo state.


Edz
Someone said to me in the early days after BD that I must be such a kind caring man and that I shouldn't let what happened change me . And it has stuck in my mind and all though there is a little bit of change I'm still that person .
You just need to find him Edz


Me 40
W 37
Together 22 years
S18
D12
WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months
W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life
After the 2 weeks she has left .
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline OP
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Thanks South

I know some of him is in here but its the same part that has to hide or at least take a back seat when all this is going on to protect himself and leave the stronger parts to deal with it.

I also fear that until I know where W wants to go he will be wary of resurfacing for fear of not being able to cope with yet more abandonment or rejection. He will though, when I'm alone and feeling lonely and in the good times when I have S with me.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline OP
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Well took myself out, didnt go to the cinema since nothing vaguely interesting was on at the time I got there (got delayed as there was a big traffic crash on the route) decided to go to Pizza Express had a nice calzone, single beer and cheesecake/coffee brought the kindle along so kept myself occupied.

Still nothing on the cinema (showing time wise so gave up) went and did the shopping for the next few days, also picked up a card and a few small bits for her day (nothing overtly romantic just a couple of books, small gin & tonic and peanut butter cups & a card (all things I know she's always loved but nothing thats expensive or overly gestural).

So back now, will be meeting up with W for coffee tomorrow while S plays tennis then heading off to my dads.

Anyhoo back now, big bang theory then time for bed said florence.

Last edited by edz; 10/31/14 10:16 PM.

M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline OP
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Just a quick update.

Saturday morning met up with W and we spoke about the accelerated time frame and other bits, she wants me to leave my ps3 for S so his friends can play etc, I said no to that shes welcome to pay half and i'll pick up a slim so he has one at both places but not reducing what he can do with me to salve her conscience. I also - lightly - went into her accepting some consequences which she is presently pushing back on me, not really my issue she cant build up her finances and pay her credit card, not an excuse to leave it draining my account - we're not talking pennies here either.

We ended up talking about what had gone wrong in our M - wont go into that theres lots I've already posted - could see she was looking emotional so backed off. She's course set for this move to the flat although S has been working on both of us to move to the new house together. I'd love that but nothing I can say or do is going to make it happen, I've accepted its going to be me moving there, S visiting and likely, to quote the immortal MUD, lonely this christmas.

Made a quick call to the estate agents to confirm moving up the timeframe then took S down to Dads and we hung down there for the afternoon and picked up S's present bag which I dropped off at MILs when I dropped son off (of course he cant come to the flat at the moment) sat alone last night watched some tv and messed with the PC's and game box. W started texting again sending me links for TVs she's thinking of getting when she moves in. Even my dad was flabbergasted at her lack of thinking on money but as I said to him, what - exactly - can I do? She knows the door is open, the road paved, I've been open and accepted my issues and she knows my counselling has been great for me and can see my relationship with S is better than ever, the new place is plenty big enough and we could all have a much better start and work on things. There's the slight issue that, right now, she doesn't want that which means it isn't going to happen.

So today picked S up at 9 and we went swimming (Sorry South no records broken today more fun in the pool although got S to do 10 lengths in payment for a biscuit at the coffee shop - well it turned out to be an eclair), was going to call W to let her know when I got a couple of delayed texts (pone was off while in the locker) saying did I want to keep him a while while she went out for coffee with a friend as MIL/FIL were too busy as they were going to go to get groceries (their normal helpful selves for W when she needs something) well was going to take him for a treat at the coffee shop and a look around the game store anyway (so he can show me the next game he wants for christmas (another reason not to give in on the ps3 or then I'll hear its too difficult to unwire it at christmas and he can only play his game at the flat - I just know that would happen) so called her - got her voicemail but then she called back - and said yes.

No later had we taken a look around the gameshop and sat in the cafe than my phone rang and W was saying she was heading back to MILs now so drop him as soon as we're done. Usual she's no longer busy so please give him back....now.

So played along, dropped him back and again neither of us wanted him to go, explained to him this is short term and once I've moved he can stay with me a couple of times a week - which WILL happen as I'm not taking any more garbage on this once W is out of MILs place.

So now, had a quick start at going through garage contents but MIL/FIL have stuck their garbage in there and its throwing it down making it difficult, I can see most of my stuff is already boxed to go, some mixed stuff but I cant split it in the rain, A couple of nice mirrors that belonged to my mum and some stuff I can get rid of.

So waiting for 6 to cook dinner, messing with PCs and writing lists of moving things to do this week. Feeling low, low, low (or whatever's below low) and overwhelmingly lonely, the weather is too bad to really walk anywhere and although even with the risk of alcohol I did consider going to the pub for surrounding company I looked in there and it seems to be full of couples and families so I decided against it. Money is too tight to do anything else and I cant have S this afternoon (which is definitely a control thing - S said he has nothing to do today so will likely try and play Minecraft till MIL sticks her oar in again).

Ho hum, about 19 days to go till the move and only 60 days until the damned holiday season is over and the pain will only be unmanageable and not torturous.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 2,227
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Very tough time for you. You seem to be doing the best you can and that's all you can do. Take care

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edz Offline OP
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Thanks rd good to get any feedback if Im doing right or wrong, so difficult to tell this deeply enmeshed in it all.


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,942
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edz Offline OP
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Anyone with a similar situation, if such a person exists, tell me one thing, how do you carry on with these feelings? It is just so painful, it hurts to my bones and deeper and I just don't know how to keep going through the motions, sure I can keep up the gal and 180 and even the pma in front of W but here, on my own, how do I just keep going?


M:44, W:46, S:10
M 13 years, T 15
BD:23/7/2014
W/S Moved to MIL: 23/7/2014
My new place: 21/11/2014
W/S back to flat 22/11/2014
W coming closer, talking 4/2015
Piecing 5/2015
Moving in again 6/2015
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