Going Down Hill

[zed]

Again with this PMS [censored]. Now I angry. I know I was not the best husband. But thinking back I believe I maybe did the best that I knew how. Is there things on reflection that I would change. Absolutly. But I never knew how to deal some things. W would cry and be sad about once a month(history of depression). I always wanted to be alone with my thoughts when things were tough so I thought she did. Next day she would seem better. I thought leaving her alone worked, but obviously did not. I never did cheat on her, even though I got sex 1-2 times a year. Work lots but I rushed home as fast as I could to help her out. Helped around the house, folded laundry, cleaned out dishwasher, cleaned up. Did not gamble all our money away, was not a druggy or an alcoholic. I thought I was a good dad (she thinks I was too). Made good money and bought her what she wanted/needed. All this and it still was not good enough for her. Shes giving up and she is going to hurt our kids. I am so angry at her right now.

[MrBond]

All those things are superficial. It's not what your W really wanted which was to feed her emotional needs. You can't be angry at her for things you didn't give. It doesn't matter that you didn't know. She gave you all the signs and you chose to ignore them.

[Mozza]

Hey zed - I understand and share your feelings: I wasn't such a bad husband, so why leave me without warning? But I have to agree with MrBond here: all these things do not matter if she didn't feel loved. She is a jury of 1 and she didn't think that you were doing the right thing. The fact that you had sex 1-2 a year was a red flag that she didn't connect with you. Your best bet is to do the right thing now. And it will take time.

This being said, getting angry every now and then can be a good thing. I know it helps me to get through some days. You also need to process that emotion, whatever that means.

[zed]

Yah hindsite is 20/20. I realize all that now. Not too sure how I missed it. Stuck in my own world I guess. If I only new what I know now...1 year ago. This may not have happened. Now it seems like it is too late. Wife doesn't want any part of me anymore and the kids are going to suffer and my heart is breaking b/c I never did stop loving her...Not too sure where to go from her. Anybody have any ideas for LRT when still living in the same house...For now anyway. Maybe only a month more.

[zed]

This is getting harder by the day. W was sad and said she has not friends as she thinks they are on my side. Small town 1000 people. People have noticed that I am skinner and seem sad. One of her friends mentioned that I did not look good and said she felt sorry for me. She did not tell her friend but told me. Why is she sorry for you I am the one you hurt.

So going back to last night. She was sad and said she doesn't like going out b/c she feels people are talking about her. I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she said she did not. 2 older kids were in bed so I suggested W take D2 to play. B/c that always made me feel better. After D2 went to bed I could still tell she was hurting. I sure she feels lonely, sad, confused. I now how that feels and I don't wish that on anyone. All I want to do is comfort her but she does not want me to do it. So it brings me down more to think that someone I love is hurting and there is nothing I can do about it

[Mozza]

People have noticed that I am skinner and seem sad. One of her friends mentioned that I did not look good and said she felt sorry for me.

RED ALERT! This is contrary to the DB principles. No woman is attracted to a sad man, especially one that other women find sad. Pick yourself up, even if only in public. Look upbeat and happy, then cry your heart out in private. Be upbeat in your wife's presence and don't crowd her. She wants control over her life and show her that you give it all back to her. It'll be hard? That's the point: it's your opportunity to make efforts to make this work.

[zed]

Thx Mozza. Hard to realize until someone calls you out. I always gave my W this advice when she was feeling down. Who cares what anyone else thinks. Maybe I should start looking into my own advice. I guess all you can do is live life for you and not worry about the W. She will be happy,or sad it may be b/c of you but she has to want to talk about her feelings with me

[sandi2]

Originally Posted By: Jefe
"And you don't need to do anything you don't want to right now. She wants to leave, she should leave. But she shouldn't get to take the children out of the family home. You need to be prepared with a custody order if she tries."

I'm a strong believer in this one right here. She wants to leave, fine let her leave. But she leaves with her clothes, her car, and little else. Wives that want to break apart a family should not be rewarded by getting to keep the fruits of the family.

It would be nice for a WAW to give me an opinion on this.

I agree.

[sandi2]

So it brings me down more to think that someone I love is hurting and there is nothing I can do about it

Perhaps if you understood that this is a natural or necessary process in a WAW finding her way out of her crises. Sure it is hard to see her sad, but it is not your job to fix things for her or try and make her happy. Don't rescue her from these experiences she's having.

The wayward wife must see their fantasy collapse. They must be hit with hard reality. When things start happening that makes her feel uncomfortable or sad, don't try to shield her. I realize this is a new position to take, but it is for her own good. She has to deal with the anger, depression, dissappointments, and reality. She has to see how life without you will be for her. She has to discover that things will not be what she dreamed. She has to suffer some kind of loss.

All that is necessary in order for her to get back to her former self. Every time you interfere with that process, you slow things down.....or maybe even deter it.

It's like giving birth. The labor is long and painful, but necessary to produce such a favorable outcome.

[zed]

Hi everyone. Little bit of a crisis here. I am currently texting back and forth with the wife and I admit im over my head.
Here is the conversation. Wife intitated it
W: I think I realized why my resentment for you keeps building and I get more angry every day..you are trying to force me to stay with you. The more forced I feel the more I want out. Which is why I'm on the verge of exploding all the time
M: If you feel comfortable. Would you like to tell me why you feel I'm forcing you to stay
W: B/c you wont leave for starters after I told you theres nothing left and we are done
M: I don't know how to respond to that. But this is both our house. And I don't want to be the one holding you back. All I ever truly wanted was for you to be happy. I don't want to force you into anything you don't want to do
W: Guess it hard for everyone all around. Rips me up leaving the girls and going places. Im torn between staying and letting them feel all the tension or losing time with them to let them feel ease in the house
M: I see you doing that. That is why I try to suggest doing something or telling the kids to "go play with mom" I hate that you feel you have to leave and hate that there is tension. I don't know what the answer is. But I know it is hard for you to talk with me. So I appreciated you time and honesty
W: I just feel like I am losing my connection with the and it just rips my heart out. I can tell it affects the too but I don't know what to do. I physically and emothioally feel like I cant be in the same house and feel like myself
M: I love our kids very much. I believe they need both parents. I do not want to get in the way of any connection you have with them. In fact I want to encourage them to have a connection with you.
How did I do. Any suggestions for next time?