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Originally Posted By: Jefe
This is why you have to be cautious about what you say and to whom about the relationship. I knew if I opened my big mouth about my wife it would put some serious roadblocks to the road home. You may need to repair some of that yourself. Because if reconciliation happened tomorrow your BF now has to deal with all your peeved friends.
Very interesting. Personally, I've been very open about the reasons and to a lot of people. I feel disinhibited by the emotional shock. I wonder what has been the experience of people at the piecing stage. I do tell everyone that I want her back and get the sense that they are supportive, even though some encourage me to think twice about it. Like Little, I'm very sensitive about this and would like people to understand that I'm not going to give up on half my kids and the woman I married in just a few weeks.

Sorry Little, I don't mean to hijack!


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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Another reason I'm hesitant to "tell" everyone about the situation is because, understandably, they will take my side. I don't need people taking my side or her side. I need people calling me on my BS and so I can save my marriage. Easier done when I keep my big trap shut.

Just my 2¢


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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Hey Little, I am interested to see your pros and cons list.

I understand what you mean about people telling you what to do and what to think and what to feel. I don't talk about the situation with my H to people any more. Everyone just says get over it. And if I tell them some new detail they roll their eyes and say he is an ass. But that doesn't really help me. So I tend not to say much about it ever, and if people ask I just give them a brief summary or say nothing is new and change the subject.

I do wish I had someone to talk to who understood and was helpful in the way I would like, but at least I do have lovely supportive people in my life who are looking out for me the best way they know.

Hugs, Lisa

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I've told basically everyone because I've needed there support and found that honesty is a lot easier on me. It will almost certainly make things a lot harder to reconcile but then what she has told her F&F is way worse.

I needed the support and that's all there is to it. If we reconcile (less than 1% chance) its just another hurdle and certainly less of an issue than the way she has behaved (EA, PA, casual hookups and just plain mean)

My friends have been great and my family has been hard on me for still wanting to save the M. I've massively improved my relationship with all of them though.

Having said that, I'd be much more of a wreck without my IC though.

Watch brene browns TED talk on vulnerability it may help and is certainly interesting.

Last edited by jim0987; 10/31/14 12:38 PM.

Both mid 30s, 2 young kids
BD 7sep14
XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1
D paperwork in progress
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In regard to telling people, I'm emotional and I'm insanely self-revelatory. I don't hold privacy sacred. I don't care who knows, especially not my close friends. I can't hide my pain and I don't like to try.


Anyway:

BF texted me to tell me he had a box of things for me. He asked if I wanted to pick them up or wanted him to drop them off. I told him I had a full weekend planned, but if he could give me a time when no one was home, he could leave it on the porch and I'd pick it up.

He must have felt this was pushing his buttons because he snipped at me and told me he'd drop it off. Then he added he had no idea what my problem was.

I took a deep breath before I replied and thought out my answer, which was that I wanted to avoid the emotional mess that would result if he had his girlfriend visiting. Nothing personal, but I'm trying to limit the number of times the scab gets ripped off.

He angrily asked me if I thought he was "that mean" that he'd parade in front of me like that.

Well, dude, you did cheat on me; never thought you'd be that mean. You also broke up with me when I was lead to believe we were in it for better or for worse, even without a piece of paper and a formal marriage.

Soooo....I don't know, are your actions trustworthy enough to make me think you "wouldn't be that mean" as to parade your new girlfriend in front of me?


CLUE BY FOUR. He stopped responding. :P


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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Originally Posted By: Little
In regard to telling people, I'm emotional and I'm insanely self-revelatory. I don't hold privacy sacred. I don't care who knows, especially not my close friends. I can't hide my pain and I don't like to try.


The problem with that^^ is that you are behaving in alignment with how you FEEL and NOT in alignment with your goal.

Showing your pain will not get your bf back.

You may need to change the way you behave, IF that is really your goal. But, IS it?



Anyway:

BF texted me to tell me he had a box of things for me. He asked if I wanted to pick them up or wanted him to drop them off. I told him I had a full weekend planned, but if he could give me a time when no one was home, he could leave it on the porch and I'd pick it up.

He must have felt this was pushing his buttons because he snipped at me and told me he'd drop it off. Then he added he had no idea what my problem was.

I took a deep breath before I replied and thought out my answer, which was that I wanted to avoid the emotional mess that would result if he had his girlfriend visiting. Nothing personal, but I'm trying to limit the number of times the scab gets ripped off.

He angrily asked me if I thought he was "that mean" that he'd parade in front of me like that.

Well, dude, you did cheat on me; never thought you'd be that mean. You also broke up with me when I was lead to believe we were in it for better or for worse, even without a piece of paper and a formal marriage.

Soooo....I don't know, are your actions trustworthy enough to make me think you "wouldn't be that mean" as to parade your new girlfriend in front of me?


CLUE BY FOUR. He stopped responding. :P

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 10/31/14 05:23 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: LisaB
Hi Little, I think a lot of us can relate to your story about inequality in household duties! I know I can. When my H moved out I was so happy with the reduced amount of clean up and the fact that the house remained clean all the time! No one to pick up after but me!

My H also did the exact same thing with friendly text messages. As others said, is note it as a positive baby step and yet keep ignoring him.

I don't mean to "barge in & bark" here, but I don't see anyone discussing the Divorce Busting book(S) here or mentioning if they have read them or gotten a DB coach.,

But the books do NOT say to "ignore" their reaching out or to ignore baby steps. I really do urge you all to read the books that form the basis of the approach we use here. It really does matter.


Sounds super similar to my situation, my H has been friendly texting since he left almost 4 months ago. The best response as far as I can tell is to be friendly back but brief and not to contact him first. If your story evolves like mine I'm guessing your BF will be wanting to see you so get ready for the random excuses for meeting up.

Good (well not good exactly) to see others on here with similar situations that I can relate to. Hopefully we can all help and support each other.

Hugs,
Lisa


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: Mozza
Originally Posted By: Jefe
This is why you have to be cautious about what you say and to whom about the relationship. I knew if I opened my big mouth about my wife it would put some serious roadblocks to the road home. You may need to repair some of that yourself. Because if reconciliation happened tomorrow your BF now has to deal with all your peeved friends.
Very interesting. Personally, I've been very open about the reasons and to a lot of people. I feel disinhibited by the emotional shock. I wonder what has been the experience of people at the piecing stage. I do tell everyone that I want her back and get the sense that they are supportive, even though some encourage me to think twice about it. Like Little, I'm very sensitive about this and would like people to understand that I'm not going to give up on half my kids and the woman I married in just a few weeks.

Sorry Little, I don't mean to hijack!


Not to crash gates here, but maybe this will help...

My DB Coach (a Godsend if ever there was one) told me to Keep the Road Home, Paved & Smooth.

The more people who know of what "THE WAS" did, the harder it can be for them to return. (At least in the vast majority of cases)

Plus when I examined MY own personal reasons for telling people, I had to admit I liked blaming h for all of our problems and I liked hearing what a jerk he was being...until I realized that saying "he's a jerk", did nothing FOR me other than temporarily making me feel vindicated.

It also made me feel powerless. I mean, what's there to change or do, if they are just so wrong and I'm so darn right?

Thing is, I DID mess some things up. I wish I'd realized earlier what a blessing that is, b/c it means you are NOT powerless and there really are things you can do to change the dynamic.

And yet at the time, I felt righteously "right".

Certainly in the housework department I felt cheated. But I didn't change my solution process there, either. I Nagged! (Super effective...NOT)

Another example was this--- my h is an MD and he'd take extra cases and come home later on in the evening and we had kids.

I felt he was valuing the money and or the accolades and or the patients, more than us or time with us.

And sometimes, that was true!

But the point I want to make is that I did NOTHING DIFFERENT to change this dynamic. I simply kept nagging and carping at him, and when he came home, I'd be there with my arms crossed, figuratively and literally. Why did I think that would motivate him to come home, more? I mean, how ironic.

After years of this, I still persisted in nagging him, and Not changing how I reacted. What a stubborn, prideful idiot I was.

Talk about a "cheese less tunnel"!

Why didn't I at least TRY warmly welcoming him home with hugs and thanks that he helped people at work and brought home the bacon?

Why didn't I TRY giving him a home he'd miss while at work?

Oh, I know why. I did not want to "reward him" for being late b/c then he might take me for granted (I actually thought that!) AND

of course, b/c I thought I was RIGHT to be mad
...


a lot of this boils down to what we must decide.

We all must decide what's more important, being right or being happy.

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 10/31/14 05:45 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 471
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I think some people missed posts, here.

I said I was having a problem because people are telling me I'm stupid for still being in love with BF, missing him, and admitting I still consider him my soul mate. They tell me to bag the idiot and move on because he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve the crap he dished out.

Someone responded and told me that's why you don't talk about it to non-DB peeps.


I don't talk negative about BF in any capacity to non-DB peeps, really.


ME: 38
BF: 40
T: 10y, no kids, no M (by choice)
BD: 7/14/14, BF admits to PA, wants out, lies about new R.
10/1/14: I move out, BF lies about move in with OW
12/4/14: OW confronted, reveals all the lies
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Originally Posted By: Little
I think some people missed posts, here.

I said I was having a problem because people are telling me I'm stupid for still being in love with BF, missing him, and admitting I still consider him my soul mate. They tell me to bag the idiot and move on because he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve the crap he dished out.

Someone responded and told me that's why you don't talk about it to non-DB peeps.


I don't talk negative about BF in any capacity.


Understood. But a lot of posters on this thread seem to be repeating behaviors I persisted in and since I did not see anything about actual DBing a lot, I thought I'd pipe in some of my experiences.

Your bf made claims about the R that you do not agree with. I get that.

But are there any things you DO think had validity and would like to change about yourself?

I ask this b/c

No WAS (or boyfriend) will return to a relationship they left,

unless they believe the relationship can be better/different than before.


And it's pretty much our job to show them that it can be.

So how are you doing that, or do you not want to ?

I would think you do want to b/c you say he's your soul mate.

So what's your "action" plan? That's what I'm missing here.

Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 10/31/14 05:51 PM.

M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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