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Bright, so glad to hear you are broadening your horizons!! I'm so tired lately and haven't been keeping up as I wish! I'm sorry for the lag. I do read....but new job making it hard to stay in the loop!

You sound great. I'm glad you're a fellow nerd as I saw on my thread!! Nerd cheerleaders unite !!


And now, sleeeeeep..... sleep

Happy to hear you're doing great, Bright!

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Bright,
I'm very happy to see that others have stated that they will be inviting you to their activities. Sometimes it takes a while for others to see the true us. Broaden those horizons and enjoy life a bit.

Keep up the good work!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Bright,,continue to GAL and moving forward.

What are your plans for you? What are your thoughts on "standing" for your M?

I'm just asking because I wonder what your thoughts are for your future?


Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015)
H 51 (ring off 7/2013)
M 2007 T 1996
S 14
July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son
Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
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Thank you Mighty, Shining, Job, and 2BHappy. Last week was exhausting. Running to the stores in preparation for that work event, then cleaning up, also trying to do the work... Then handing out the candy on the 31st. My son and his GF came to my house, I cooked dinner in between answering the door, while my son was working on my laptop and checking out the new one I won.

Oh, did I forget to mention that I won a laptop in a ruffle last Wednesday. It was totally unexpected, because I won a prize last time at the company event. Two times in a row!

I was also invited to join my GFs and a couple of other friends last Friday to go to a bar that had a Halloween party. I didn’t last long, because I was very tired by then.

Yesterday I could do anything, I just wanted to sleep all day.

2BHAppy, I don’t really have specific plans for my future. I’m just leaving day by day, enjoying the good things and still processing the bad. Wait, I take it back. I do have some plans, like I want to change the bedroom furniture, I want to fix the backyard, I want to visit my GFs who live in other states. I also started thinking about having a partner in my life. I’m not quite ready, I enjoy my single life too much right now, plus I’m still healing. And the feeling that I would not want H back the way he is (or the way he was in the last few years of our M) is getting stronger.


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Here is what’s been bothering me recently. I’ve learnt that H is going to the vacation home during the Thanksgiving week. Obviously he wants to join our mutual friends there for dinner and stuff. Previously I didn’t have a problem with that. And now I do.

My mutual friends were taking care of H while he was there, and remained good friends to him. Invited him for dinners, helped him with the bills, etc. I was happy that they were taking care of him.

Something has changed recently. I just don’t like the thought that they are still close. It bothers me that they are going to invite him for dinner like a family member. I don’t know what it is, jealousy, anger, IDK. It occurred to me that our mutual friends are in an essence the OW. H left his family and they gladly accommodated him in theirs. Anybody has any thought on this? I feel like I’ve been cheated by my friends. Especially the female one. I want her to take my side. I don’t want her to be so accommodating and welcoming to H. Am I going backwards? Why am I feeling this way? I want to think that I’m finally starting to let the rope go, which is a good thing. But, at the same time I feel torn. I have no idea how I will be handling this with my friends. Do I also let them go?


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Bright,

I think it makes a lot of sense.

These friends have put themselves right into the thick of things between you and your H.

When I discovered a month ago that a former best friend of mine had spent time living and partying with Smokey and his OW...it really blew me away. I felt punched in the stomach.

I can't tell you what to do in respect to your friendship. But, I will say that I think it's really healthy that you're feeling angry with them. They have pushed your buttons and enabled your H for a long time.

They've been a big strand in this really entangled situation with your H. I can see how they have made it more difficult for you to move forward. I can't imagine getting inside information regularly about Smokey. I think it would break me, at this point. Even now, hearing about the former best friend really cut deep.

For me, it's easier for me to keep his life a safe distance from mine.

What do YOU think? This isn't your first day at the rodeo, Bright. Trust yourself. You are a different woman than when you started on these boards. Whether you realize it or not.

Much love to you,

Heather


"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man

“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
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Hey Bright! I understand your frustrations with your friends. Part of me feels that with xh's family. I realize they are family, but so are my kids. Instead of being so accepting of hww and his choices, cant they say they are sad they have hurt my kids and wont be so welcoming? They haven't reached out to my kids once. Except for his one brother, his parents nor any other siblings (xh is on of seven), not one person has reached out once in the past year to see how they are doing. Not even the one who lives 2 doors down.

I is hurtful to think that others would be so welcoming to someone who has hurt their family. In your case, your friends. I get it, Bright.

I am not sure what to tell you. I think it depends on how you really feel and where you see your life headed. Is their friendship that important to you? Or do you see being "friends" from a distance, or do you see your future in a totally different direction?

I like seeing you making progress and feeling ready to make some changes. That's exciting stuff! Good for you!

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Heather, thanks for telling me that it is ok to feel angry with my friends. You said something I was afraid of saying out laud, that they in fact have been enabling H. The inside information was not a big deal until now, since they pretty much were telling me what I wanted to hear, like H has not been successful in finding his “harmonious” relationship, or that he was not happy after all. If there would be an OW, then it would have been different, and I’m pretty sure I would not want to hear about it.

Thank you for recognizing that I’m a different woman since I’ve been on this board. I know I am, just feel like I’m sliding back sometimes.

Mighty, this is absolutely despicable how your xh’s family treats you and your kids. They must be so ashamed of him. Nevertheless, they could have reached out to you. Your kids will be part for the family forever. Don’t they get it? I just can’t wait when the house of cards that your xh and ow built crumbles and crushes to the ground. I know it will.

Interesting part in all of this is that my GF (mutual friend) was hurt also when H tried to hook up with her cousin. She was hurt by her cousin’s actions too. But, I guess she forgave them, or forgot about it, or just pretending that it never happened. I don’t know.

I’ve been thinking about this friendship a lot recently. They are good friends to me. I don’t have too many friends like that. They would do a lot of things for me and I would also go extra mile to do things for them. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m going to take one day (one visit) at a time and see how I feel.


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Bright, I know how you feel, but here is the thing.

It is OK for you to be upset by their choices, but it is their choice.

What happened with my xh is that most of our friends were so shocked by his behavior that they didn't want anything much to do with him, (he was a very very mean MLCer) but one couple in particular stayed close to him. I found it difficult but tried to 'adult' about it. Hmmmm

At the time of the divorce (which went on for 2 years!) I wrote to them and said I was very fond of them but I needed to put distance between my stbx and my old life They accepted that, but as time went on and my xh's behaviour got more and more erratic they have been making real overtures to me!

I guess what I am saying is - it is OK to be upset, but we can't control what our friends want to do.

We can decide whether or not we want them in our life or not (we aren't asking them to choose, it is more about what we want)

That MLC behaviour can finally alienate even the oldest friends!!

A lot of people have a 'these things happen' approach to life, and never want to look at what is actually going on. That is their choice.

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Bright,
It's okay to be upset and/or angry, but like Bea said, it is their choice to be friends to your h. We can't control how others feel and what they do.

What I am going to suggest is that you not discuss as much of your business w/them. I still think that info is being carried back and forth by them to the two of you. Limit the discussions about your h when you are in contact w/them. Keep your conversations on your interests, hobbies, son and work.

They've been friends to both of you and I would hate for you to cut them out of your life if you still enjoy their company. Bea's posting is very much spot on.

BTW, congratulations on winning a laptop. Sounds like you had a busy Halloween. I hope you got some rest yesterday.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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