If anyone is reading this, sorry for the rambling. I tend to do it a lot. But it is helping me... I am like that where I just need to lay it out there for myself. Process the thoughts and move through them. Otherwise they bounce around all scattered in my head.
Back to my thought earlier... Xh says, "You think you have it all figured out." I want to go thorough what xh has seen of me. Since we really don't see each other, outside of kids' games... What does he see?
Me taking care of the kids without him.
Me taking care of the house on my own.
Me finishing the bathroom addition.
Me doing all the yard work, finishing jobs, putting up/taking down summer stuff, including custom built screen enclosing for garage.
Taking care of dog.
Working full-time.
Going out with friends.
4 trips in 4 months with kids.
Taking over all the bills and finances (which he always did).
Switching things out of his name.
Kids with their friends and having fun.
Me doing things with kids.
Kids hanging with cousins and my family.
Me and all of my family at s17's football game
Me with friends/family at d13 volleyball game
S17 and me at Senior Day (xh not invited by s)
Me at kids games talking to and laughing with people (he talks to no one, except his cell phone)
Me volunteering at d13 volleyball game.
Kids and I doing new things.
Kids and I going out to dinner.
Me opening pool by myself. (Brand new inground saltwater pool, which I had to (first find) and hook up the saltwater generator.
When his brother and fam came to visit for 5 days over the summer, they were at his house for an hour and left to stay with me bc it was uncomfortable.
Me watching bil's kids while they were at wedding (xh though he and hww were, bil said, no, I'd rather leave them with Mighty.(This is the only relative he is really close with- they are 1 year apart, people think they are twins.)
Bil & fam stayed an extra day to hang out w & go to dinner w me and kids.
Sounds to me like you have got a lot of it figured out.
pure guesswork on my part but he has probably been telling himself how good he was and that he did 'everything' to support you and so if he sees that you never needed him that is going to hurt his ego (and we men are all about ego) ESPECIALLY if his choices aren't going as well as he hoped.
Statements that people make tend to be a reflection of there perceptions and are always relative. 'You've got it all figured out' could easily translate to him actually feeling 'I haven't got a clue'
Rhett butler is springing up all over these boards...
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Mighty - what can I say? The anger response is mostly anger at himself with nowhere to go. Unacknowledged and festering, I would say.
I have the same T shirt. My youngest son commented recently that his father is still so full of anger/rage call it what you will. They can't think straight becauseo f it. They blame everyone else.
Sometimes they don't snap. There are periods (in my experience) when they calm down and get on with their lives, then something triggers them.
Most recently it was my xh spending over a year trying to sue me. (It started three and a half years after our divorce, and went on for nearly fourteen months.) I have no idea why he thought I had swindled him out of a not-very-large sum of money, except my general horribleness.
He refused to go his youngest son's wedding - my dil sent him photos, as a kind gesture and he emailed her father to thank him!!
I could go on, but I am sure you see a pattern. I also get unexplained phone calls - OK they could be from someone else, but not many people have my number . . . and number withheld - seriously??
Mine has his cousin saying to my son, given the whole h drama I thought your mum wouldn't want me to ring to offer you work.
Really I'm that Bigga b that I won't allow my s16 to work for the cousin. The fact cousins a cheater told h to leave me and supposedly support ow openly as she is much nicer, I prolly should have a drama. All that crapola, says. MOre about them than me IMHO.
It's show how warped and crazed your h is.
Last edited by Ggrass; 10/31/1409:22 AM.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Stay safe from your XH. IGNORE him as much as you possibly can.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
NY is fun! I feel sad not acknowledging xh's birthday. I've spent the last 19 halloweens w him celebrating his birthday. Regardless of the crazy, I still love & care about him. <sigh>
Dealing with the humiliation, pain and grief of learning your husband got another woman pregnant and all the wreckage this life-altering action inflicts.
You are an amazing woman Mighty. Enjoy the weekend to the fullest. You deserve it.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
LOL. I read that and I just shook my head. You missed something in all of this. The dynamic of your xh and how he has somebody to feed the anger, but not help him release it. I know that dynamic well, Mighty. And it just seems to prolong things from where I sit. Meh.
Quote:
NY is fun! I feel sad not acknowledging xh's birthday. I've spent the last 19 halloweens w him celebrating his birthday. Regardless of the crazy, I still love & care about him. <sigh>
That's great to hear you like NY. A little chilly perhaps?
For what it's worth: It's perfectly normal to feel sad you can't celebrate his birthday like you used to. In fact, it's pretty normal to have many different emotions at the same time. Fun, happy and partially sad. 19 years is a lot of memories.
Have you ever noticed on these boards that we say that the LBS is able to be the one to hang on to the memories? We don't let the crazies take that. Those were good memories, Mighty. There will be many of those, and there will be many new ones.
I really like the list. You have done a lot for your family. And you should continue to.
The next time your ex rambles like that? Either throw it away before you read it (strongly recommended) or at the very least consider the source and throw it away before you read it.
My thinking is that if he can't be reasonable and work through any issues he has without accusing and berating those around him, then it's not worth hearing. He won't remember it later (most likely) and you have no actionable item. The only thing it does is make you defensive for things you haven't been part of.
That's just his anger looking for a release. For that, I recommend you let him figure it out. He is welcome to take it out on the ones that deserve it, like say, OW? His co-workers? His friends (if he has any left)? or somebody at the grocery store. Anyone but you and the kids.
Your kids have figured out how to deal with him already. They don't talk to him. Perhaps you could learn a lesson from a child...
Enjoy NY. It's a great time of year to be there!!!
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
GREAT list, you are taking care of things and living your life!!!
H may see it or may not, but it's for you to know you are taking care of things without your H.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
M, I have written about my roadmap. I was very clear when I made it with how I wanted to act during all of this and what I wanted to see when I looked back.
I did that so that no matter what crap was thrown my way from my xh, and trust me there was some really horrific things, I knew exactly what to do. I didnt even have to think about it after awhile.
I wanted to act with dignity and strength. I wanted to show my son how to navigate through life's turmoils with courage.
So, each and every time my xh tried to hurt me, I reacted the same. I gave it no importance. I didnt acknowledge what he was trying to do by reacting. I kept on my path.
Your xh is jumping up and down trying to get your attention because he sees you handling stuff. That wasnt the way it was supposed to go in his head. So, now he has to do more to bring you down.
Because you are taking away his reasons for having done what he did. If it isnt you, then its him and that isnt something he can accept.
Do not engage. Keep your side of the street clean. If I were you, I wouldnt keep him in the loop about your son unless it is extremely important and then stick to the facts. He is his father, if he wants to know what is going on, he can contact the school or your son.
Dont allow what he is doing now to change your journey.
Trust me that your son has figured out his father. That relationship is their to forge and has nothing to do with you. Do not defend yourself. Answer your son's questions honestly and succinctly and then let this go.
Your xh is spiralling down. Stay far away from it.
Oh and Mighty, I would be worried if you didnt feel sad from time to time. This is sad stuff..the breaking up of a family.
Dont allow this to taint the memories you have. They were real and true.
