Thanks for the encouragement gogofo. Its so hard to think that she seems so firm in her decision to D. I stayed positive when she sort of mentioned D, acting 'as if', so that helped.
I failed to mention earlier, I let her know that whether or not she wanted to stay in the M, that I was asking her to stay. Basically letting her know that the door is still open and was still willing to work on things. She didn't say anything after that. I don't know if it was the right thing to say but I felt I needed to let her know.
Last edited by dil; 10/23/1402:31 PM.
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
This past friday, I did a GAL activity and went to a bonfire to meet some new friends. I had to stop by my house where my W is staying to get the cooler and fill it up with ice and booze. I texted her earlier in the day about stopping by and she texted back saying she was going to happy hour and may not be home. When I got to the house, she was already home. Eventually she came to the kitchen to say hi. I was surprised to see her back so early (around 6:30pm) on a friday night after her HH. Typically, when she would go to HH, she would stay til about 8 or 9pm. I was in my 'as if' mood while showing PMA. While cleaning the cooler at the sink, she asked what I was doing. I told her I was going to meet some friends for a bonfire. Also told her a little bit of my mixed drink I was planning to make, which she seemed to be interested in. It was a seemingly short but pleasant conversation, so I left it at that, said have a good rest of the night and left.
Saturday, I was reading tons of stories on this forum to give me a little hope before eventually getting up and going to see a movie and get my mind off of things. After the movie, I texted my W that I needed to stop by and pick up carseats. I was planning on taking my nieces out for a girls day at the Mall. When I got to the house she asked me what I was going to do with the girls tomorrow and I told her I was doing girls day with them and taking them shopping.
Next thing, she told me she wanted to talk to me. A little anxiety came over me and I was feeling very nervous because I was not prepared for what she might say. I quickly picked myself back up and calmly asked what was on her mind. She said that she had been thinking a lot and even though she had wanted a D and didn't know her future with me in the beginning, she came to the decision that she wants to start working on our M! We talked about it and she understood the way she was communicating to me about her needs was not in a way I could understand. I validated and I told her I sincerely appreciate her willingness to try and was happy that she was strong enough to make that kind of decision knowing how much hurt she had gone through in the past. We agreed that we cannot go back to the old marriage. She said she did not know where or how to start. I said I didn't know either and that we will talk about it more as we gather our thoughts about how we can create a new and better relationship and not slip back into bad habits of the old M. She said we need to take it slow. I agreed and suggested we start dating and she replied that she would like that. She mentioned that she tried to set an appointment with an IC in the same place I was going to and we both agreed this would be a good start.
After our talk we were both hungry and went to pick up some fast food, we held hands in the car. Came home, ate, talked/joked like old times and after we finished eating, I was about to say goodnight and leave but she asked if I wanted to stay and watch a movie with her. I told her I would love to and we cuddled and kissed a little bit during the movie. I felt like I had my loving W back. After the movie over, as we hugged, I told her in a soft whisper that I didn't want to leave, but she whispered back and said its probably better if I go. I told her I understand and we gave each other a kiss and a hug goodnite. As I was driving back to my moms, I felt a bit overwhelmed thinking of the things that I need to do make our M better than before. How does one start a M from a clean slate? I had some ideas but, was overwhelmed by things I felt like I needed to do better in all different aspects of the M. I just didn't know where or how to start.
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
Congrats on the good news dil. Keep up the good work. these are important questions. I suggest discussing with a coach to help you have some high level directions about this. It sounds like she's ready to work with you and that's great. Really happy for you.
Resentment occurs when we aren't doing what we need to care for ourselves, though we expect others to do it for us.
congrats dil!!! it's so nice to hear a good story. now take it SLOW. all the changes you have made keep them up. let her dictate the pace. lead by example with a confident but caring no pressure attitude. you can do it!!
M40 XW35 M11 T15 S9 D5 Bomb 6/3/14 Papers del 10/3/14 D final 12/5/14
I wish I could love you and make you believe it 'Cause that's all you ever wanted From me
Thanks 2stubborn2quit and Bravo! I saw my IC today and told her my news and she told me to think of things that make me feel overwhelmed in regards to piecing the M back, so I can make better decisions on how I need to approach this. Before W told me, I was on my way to LRT and about to start LC because I didn't think she was ever going to change her mind.
W told me though, she needs to fall back in love with me. She also mentioned she still doesn't know if a deep connection can come back with me and in the end, it still might not work out. That I understood, validated and am taking careful steps to make sure I don't blow it, and do things that will help her fall back in love with me again. I'm still working on myself, for ME. So I will continue to do my 180s as I try to think of ways to make this M work and be stronger. She also just scheduled her IC therapist appointment today without me pushing her, which is a great first step for her, and me knowing that she really wants to give our M another chance.
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
Had a dinner date with W today. It went ok. I feel like I took 2 steps back though.
Backtracking a little, the day after she told me she wanted to work things out, I asked her if she wanted to join me in taking my 2 nieces on their girls day at a park, and afterwards, the mall. She did join us, and she was being really affectionate and letting me hold her hand and letting me wrap my arms around her a few times. After we dropped of the nieces, we went back to our house and she asked if I wanted to stay and snuggle for a bit and I told her I would love to. So we laid on the living room floor with blankets and pillows and snuggled for about 30mins. I had good vibes with her throughout that day. She didn't seem uncomfortable doing those things.
Today we had dinner at a nice Mediterranean restaurant. I picked her up right after work. I stayed positive and, for the most part, happy. She talked to me about work and she said she was a little stressed from things going on at work. I continued to listen to her and validate so that she would feel a bit more at ease on our way to dinner. I let her hold my arms on the way to the restaurant and it felt nice being close to her a little bit. We get in and sit down and it was sort of quiet. I felt really nervous and had a hard time thinking of things to talk about. I eventually made the mistake of bringing it up R talks by asking about physical boundaries, which is why I say I went 2 steps back.
It didn't get heated or anything but I think she might be second-guessing things again. I brought up the idea about the physical boundaries and asked if me hugging, and kissing her was making her uncomfortable. She said it was a little because she still doesn't know if things will work out or not in the end and doesn't want to 'play with my heart'. I felt a little awkward when she said that and told her I understand and will respect that. I then asked her about he EA partner and if it went any further than an EA, she confirmed to me that it did not get to PA and that she was sorry. I told her I forgive her and that the EA was something I would bury in the past.
Then we talked a little about my porn issues and asked her to forgive me for it and keeping it secret for so long. She said she couldn't forgive me right now, but eventually she would. She also said that her forgiving me doesn't mean we will get back together. This changed my mood pretty quick but I tried not to show it. I continued to listen and told her I understand why it will take a while for her to forgive.
So now I feel I'm back at square one. She's made plans to be at her best friends thanksgiving dinner. I told her I was still figuring my plans for it. I'm feeling so confused and down right now. Its hard to think about but I need to continue DB'ing and GAL. This is tough. Maybe being affectionate with her was moving way too fast? She was reciprocating so I don't know what made her change her mind so suddenly about it.
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
Its been a few days since my last post. Here's an update.
A few days ago a new video game came out. Call of Duty is a game that my wife and I both love and we typically stay up all night playing it the day of release. This caused alot of anxiety mixed with a little bit of anger and borderline jealousy because she had planned to take a day off and play it all night on her own at the house while playing with her brothers/sisters online in another state. All the while I was doing my own thing trying not to think about it. It was a game that I was always into and had gotten her into it because she realized it was a good time to spend with me when we were together. Since the console is at the house, I really couldn't say or do anything and just be content with her, and tell her that I hope she is enjoying the game through text.
The next day, she talked about the game with me and I was actually in a good mood so I listened and was genuinely interested in the conversation. After that she brought up R talks and We talked a little bit on the things about her that caused our relationship to be where it is. Talked about her pessimistic attitude and how impacted my attitudes over time. We talked about how similar I am to her dad and the 'waterproof' attitude we both share. 'Waterproof' meaning that anything negative would fall right off of us. She noticed that over time that waterproof attitude would turn into me taking things more personally. That her negative statements and opinions started affecting me. I started to become negative toward her and would hold resentment over time only to let it fester and boil inside of me causing passive-agressive blowups.
She brought up an interesting point about the similarities of the things we hid from each other. Mine being the porn and hers being the EA she had, which she did tell me she had cut all ties with. The shame and guilt causing us to keep hiding those things from each other until eventually something like us separating would cause us to finally to become totally open and honest with each other. I felt so comfortable opening up about how I kept my secret for so long. The feeling I got from her was mutual. I enjoyed being able to talk with her face to face as we can both see each other in our emotional states of mind. It was a good conversation overall and I think that we are starting to realize that having open and honest communication makes us feel better.
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
Went over to the house yesterday for a planned Call of Duty time. We both played the game on splitscreen and I really enjoyed it. I felt more of a friendship vibe from W which is good but I felt a little anxiety mostly thinking about wanting things to progress and see some type affection from her. I then just pushed aside that feeling and thought instead I need to be happy and positive just to be around her. After a few rounds of multiplayer and a little wine, I asked her if she had eaten yet, which she hadn't, so I suggested we go get something to eat at a taco place. On our way there, again, no R talks and kept positive and friendly.
After we got our food and sat, we talked about the game and things we've been up to and I mentioned to her that I was really enjoying my bowling league with my friends every Tuesday. During this conversation, I made the mistake of telling her how I was getting a little friendly attention from a girl on another team on the league. Told her this girl blew me a kiss after the game before she left, and that I felt a little tiny spark of something that I hadn't felt in a long time. I told her it was probably nothing mostly friendly, since I haven't really approached this girl and don't plan on it. W said that it was good, and its nice to get a little attention sometimes from the opposite sex. I agreed, and I felt that maybe she was a little bit bothered by it but tried not to show it.
Its difficult to be next to a person you really love and then get the feeling of sadness because of the lack of affection that was so easy to display before this whole mess. Still trying to stay in the mentality of taking things slow and try to make her fall in love with me again, but its soo hard to do that if she still has her barrier up to one of her most important needs which is affection. It seems like the day after I see her, I get into sort of a crappy mood thinking about things like this. Then after a few days my positive feelings come back and I'm good. Its a vicious cycle.
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
I'm a little upset. W just cancelled dinner plans tomorrow night that I had made reservations to over 2 weeks ago to hang out with her BFF. Sometimes I just don't know why I still hang on. I don't want to take it personally but I do and it bothers me.
I've been feeling lately that I don't deserve any of this from her and that I should just let go. Does anybody else feel that way?
I was really looking forward to spending a quality evening with her but I guess my time is just not that important enough for her right now...sad...
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
A little context. W texted me, told me she was sorry and that it was important that she spends time with her BFF, since she doesn't get to very often, and hopes that I understand.
I replied and said "I'm a little upset but I understand, maybe next time..."
I was actually very upset but I know that I can't do much, but brush it off my shoulders and reschedule. I feel like she doesn't take my efforts to spend time with her into much consideration when she plans things for herself. I really value any time that I get to spend with her but I just don't get the same from her...I don't know maybe I'm just trying to read into her too much.
Last edited by dil; 11/07/1410:56 PM.
Me:31 W:28 No Kids T:14 M:8 BD:09/24/14 Separation 09/25/14
