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Also one more thing, ill be meeting her in November after her competition like I mentioned to get the ring back and I also want some answers.

I want to know if I should ask her then why exactly she left in such a hurry and what made her so mad or just wait. If I ask for the ring back I'm sure it will be over right then because we already dont see each other and haven't since she moved out. Our jobs dont allow us to see each other and that gives her no opportunity to see any changes I've made. She has not tried to contact me at all except to say happy thanksgiving. That's all. I haven't contacted her either. I jUst hope when she visits her mothers friend she talks some sense into her

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Also one more thing, ill be meeting her in November after her competition like I mentioned to get the ring back and I also want some answers.

I want to know if I should ask her then why exactly she left in such a hurry and what made her so mad or just wait. If I ask for the ring back I'm sure it will be over right then because we already dont see each other and haven't since she moved out. Our jobs dont allow us to see each other and that gives her no opportunity to see any changes I've made. She has not tried to contact me at all except to say happy thanksgiving. That's all. I haven't contacted her either. I jUst hope when she visits her mothers friend she talks some sense into her

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The last time we talked she said "I think we need to move on" . I don't know if that's what I should actually do and start dating or at least be open to it, or keep on with focusing on getting her back. We will never see each other unless she actually comes to the same province as me to meet and even then its not to see me but to visit my friends and do these fitness competitions. Our work schedules are making any contact impossible.

Even in the future it will be hard because of this. She is staying all over the place and looks like she really is done and I thought she might contact me by now to maybe try and talk, not about getting back together but about something, anything. She walked away from everything we worked so hard for and hasn't really given any answers. Im still really confused as to what direction to go with this.

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If you're not sure that's a sign to be patient
If she isn't contacting you it may be because she doesn't trust herself to handle the conversation. Doesn't sound like apathy, or she could talk casually.
Don't ask for the ring back. Just not a classy thing to do and can't help. It's like temperature checking.
Don't send her positive emails. Let her lead on the frequency and tone of contact.
Do commit yourself to 3-6 months of hard personal growth REGARDLESS of what signs or lack of them you get. You'll never regret it and may witness a miracle.
Do remember she is not the person you think. Don't be fooled that she is a fantasy that will solve all your problems. She is just another troubled woman...but one you committed to. Stand by those commitments.

Easy to say, hard to do. Ps- not a bet, just my thoughts. Tough road, hang in and post often. Talk more about what YOU are working on. That you CAN control! Good luck!


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
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This is not to discourage you, but to give you something to consider. When either person in a marriage makes something more important than their relationship, it's a prescription for death to the M. If the two of you are having these issues before M, will it get better after the wedding? If the two of you can't find time to meet b/c of schedules, will that get better later?

Sometimes we may have to concentrate on school, training, military, medical, professional, etc., that requires a lot of patients and understanding from the other spouse. But when the one involved in these things are not offering any encouragement.....you have to question what is behind it. Not every R can withstand a regular based separation. Perhaps this what you need to decide.

Even in war, letters can be written to loved ones. There has to be a little effort and encouragement given to the one waiting for the time they can be together again.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
This is not to discourage you, but to give you something to consider. When either person in a marriage makes something more important than their relationship, it's a prescription for death to the M. If the two of you are having these issues before M, will it get better after the wedding? If the two of you can't find time to meet b/c of schedules, will that get better later?

Sometimes we may have to concentrate on school, training, military, medical, professional, etc., that requires a lot of patients and understanding from the other spouse. But when the one involved in these things are not offering any encouragement.....you have to question what is behind it. Not every R can withstand a regular based separation. Perhaps this what you need to decide.

Even in war, letters can be written to loved ones. There has to be a little effort and encouragement given to the one waiting for the time they can be together again.

Ive been doing a lot of thinking and she is in town where we used to live together and im out at sea working and am getting the chopper out today. We will be meeting Thursday and she will be giving me the ring back. She wants to see my daughter and says we can talk about things, im just not sure what to talk about.

I want to tell her how much she hurt me and what it has done to me emotionally and financially and it actually makes me a bit angry thinking about how she dealt with this.

On the other hand I don't want to bring that up and be as patient as I can and tell her how proud of her I am with her competition she just did and she came in the top 10. I emailed her the night before and told her good luck and said ill be rooting for her and told her she will do great, she responded and said thanks and that it really means a lot to her.

Also I feel like this is my chance to do anything to try and keep her/get her back, after meeting this time there is no telling when we will see each other again, could be months. I don't know if I should lay it all out on the line and tell her our old relationship is over and we should start our new one, start fresh, I don't know anymore. Ive done a lot of thinking and put myself in different situations in my head and I really cant picture myself being happy with anyone else, she is amazing and my daughter loves her.

And to answer you questions about time apart and if things will get better, all this working apart from each other was for her to be able to move home and for us to build this house that we just finished. For us to have kids and have a normal life, we were looking for a fresh start and the jobs, competition, my frustrations about not being together enough got in the way. Funny how working and fighting to be together can tear you apart.

I just don't know how to handle this, if I just act calm and play it like we are just meeting as friends then that's all it will be because shes going back to work and we wont see each other, I don't want to start begging either because I know that wont work, do I just lay the offer of a new relationship on the table? do I ask her to go see a counsellor with me? I have been working on myself, ive been going to the gym a lot more, ive worked on my anger and know what has been setting me off, im a lot more calm now and other people see it too, not just me, not sure she will ever see the change if we cant at least try. Or the last and most painful option, do I just take the meeting as friends and walk away and never look back, meeting Thursday and driving myself crazy the last few days.

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Meeting her tomorrow so any advice will help.

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Well, this is just my opinion. I would start off by congratulating her. Then wait to hear what she has to say about the future or the relationship.

Now I am the type of person who believes in putting the cards on the table before entering into something with misunderstanding or doubts. I want to know where I stand....and the other person. I think it is particularly important before getting M.

Thus far, she has made competition her main focus....to the exclusion of you and your child. How will this affect a future family with more children? How will children cope?

Is she able to balance these important areas in her life? Can you continue to have another year like this one? B/c it may (or may not) be a glimpse of years to come. What is she willing to do to compromise, and what are you willing to do?

I think you need to get it all out there in your meeting with her.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Well, this is just my opinion. I would start off by congratulating her. Then wait to hear what she has to say about the future or the relationship.

Now I am the type of person who believes in putting the cards on the table before entering into something with misunderstanding or doubts. I want to know where I stand....and the other person. I think it is particularly important before getting M.

Thus far, she has made competition her main focus....to the exclusion of you and your child. How will this affect a future family with more children? How will children cope?

Is she able to balance these important areas in her life? Can you continue to have another year like this one? B/c it may (or may not) be a glimpse of years to come. What is she willing to do to compromise, and what are you willing to do?

I think you need to get it all out there in your meeting with her.


well we made an agreement to meet tonight so she could play with my daughter for a bit and while shes in preschool tomorrow morning we will meet and deal with our stuff.

When she got here she seemed really reserved and kind of shy or something. Soon though we all played whatever my daughter wanted and this went on for about 2 hours, everyone had fun and a few laughs.

When it was time for her to leave we went out to the door alone and I noticed my name on her phone was changed from "hubby" to just my name, I said "you finally changed my name in your phone" but not in a mean way, kind of just joking around, she started to well up a bit, I put my arms out to give her a hug and she came in, while hugging her I said I was very proud of her and she looked great, she started to cry and just held me, I gave her a little kiss on the head and she cried some more. I held her for a bit and I avoided breaking down, she left while crying and is going to a hotel now and we are meeting again in the am. I'm not sure how she feels, still 100% done or saw a small change and maybe missed what she had while here, this was her first time seeing me since she left. A bit confused.

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Now that her competition is over she might be a bit confused, I'm not really sure, she called me before we met and I didn't really have time to talk so I didn't answer right away and she got kind of upset like she was wondering where I was and what I was doing, I didn't tell her where I was until later and she said " something seemed fishy because you always answer me" . I just told her I was busy. I'm not sure how to read this because I really didn't expect her to start crying.

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