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sandi2 #2502344 10/30/14 08:58 PM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
Our posts seem to have crossed, but to clarify, I am not saying you are in denial or have a bad attitude or anything like that. My point was to try and help you distinguish between personal boundaries and punitive control over another person.

When we are suffering from so much pain, it is often difficult to clearly get a true concept of something new we are learning. Our emotions can cloud our abilities. Please don't take this the wrong way, I am not suggesting you are not intelligent. Intelligence is not the problem, the emotions are the problem. The pain gets in the way of making the best decisions.

I'm sure I probably come across the wrong way in a lot of my posts, too. But rest assured, we are here to give support and help one another learn.
No worries at all. I didn't take any offense. I found your message very helpful and I hope it will help me clarify what is a boundary and what is control. I know I'm just starting to learn and I do want to integrate these lessons in my personality for good.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
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D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2502365 10/30/14 10:11 PM
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Your responses mirror what your W complained about you:

- I would ask her to get to the point when telling me a story.
- I'd get into rhetorical nuances to interpret her wording or phrasing.
- I would often assume that she had ill intentions when she didn't.
- I wouldn't answer her questions for which the answer was obvious to me.

I'd say that the issues you have aren't just in the way you communicate to your W, but to everyone in general. Unfortunately your W had to live with you so she had shouldered the brunt of your negativity.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2502372 10/30/14 10:40 PM
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Unexpected: my W just called to talk about the kids acting up. She was distressed and couldn't handle the situation anymore. D6 has been difficult, demanding candies on a regular basis (big no-no for my W) and giving her attitude and mean looks when my W said no. Apparently, D3 is getting on the game too.

I listened to her, I let her vent, I validated. She said she was exhausted at work and that her boss was being difficult, which is a change because these two were very tight last I heard. I asked her if she wanted to be heard or if she wanted advice after all (her initial request) and she got defensive wondering if I was going to criticize her, then opened the door. I told her to show her love to the kids, to hug them when she would have a difficult conversation. I was thinking of filling the love tank (T5LL). My W has always been snappier with the kids than me, in part because she was raised by an authoritarian mother, and it gets her into those difficult situations where everyone is upset. She asked me if it was difficult for me too and I confirmed that yes, it's difficult for me too. She was relieved by that.

I told her, as difficult as it is, we often have to take the first step to calm down the situation because we,re the adults. She said sometimes she's tired of being the adult.

When the phone call started, my W said she wanted to talk about Halloween and I thought for a second she had misgivings about this stupid costume and pub crawl. Never have any expectations... Also, she spoke to someone and I asked what was going on and she said she was at a shop. I asked if the kids were with her (overhearing) and she said no, they're at the apartment. Alone? "No, with a friend. I don't have to tell you any of that." I didn't insist and didn't even realize we had gotten there.

At the end of the call, she said she shouldn't have called, she should at least have texted to see if I was available. I said it was ok. She seemed happy we spoke, but she didn't seem much calmer.

I don't know what to make of it. I guess it's just a regular parenting phone call. It happens to be the first, that's all.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
MrBond #2502374 10/30/14 10:43 PM
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
I'd say that the issues you have aren't just in the way you communicate to your W, but to everyone in general. Unfortunately your W had to live with you so she had shouldered the brunt of your negativity.
What would have been good answers? Was there any way I could have disagreed with you in a way that didn't exhibit those behaviors?


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2502383 10/30/14 11:05 PM
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Quote:
I asked her if she wanted to be heard or if she wanted advice after all (her initial request) and she got defensive wondering if I was going to criticize her, then opened the door.


Maybe next time listen first then say, "What can I do to help?" or "I can offer a suggestion, if you want it.". And be watchful of your tone of voice when you say it.

Just to be clear, do both of you speak English?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sandi2 #2502385 10/30/14 11:14 PM
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Thanks Sandi2. I like the idea of saying "What can I do to help?" to put the ball in her court, rather than suggest a course of action. I'll try to remember that (forever!).

English is not our native language. We speak our native tongue together and some of our emails are in English.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2502406 10/31/14 12:05 AM
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"I listened to her, I let her vent, I validated."

I know you didn't read the books yet, so how did you "validate" her? What did you say?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2502408 10/31/14 12:08 AM
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"Was there any way I could have disagreed with you in a way that didn't exhibit those behaviors?"

Yes.


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
MrBond #2502451 10/31/14 02:42 AM
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Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I listened to her, I let her vent, I validated."

I know you didn't read the books yet, so how did you "validate" her? What did you say?
I had read the cheat sheet today. I reflected to her what she said, I confirmed that the kids can be difficult, I sympathized with the fact that D6 is changing, I observed that she seemed upset by it all, etc.


M39 D6 D3 (at S)
S 2014-09
D 2016-09

"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mozza #2502530 10/31/14 11:03 AM
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Did you believe what you validated to her or were you faking it?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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