Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I mean, what can I do? I don't want her to know I have it and it doesn't really prove anything other than they were at a club with some other people, but it still sux.
If I confront her it will certainly end in an over the top lashing episode where she will, almost guaranteed, try and do as much damage to what's left of the marriage as she can, so that's out. What's left, Hope?
Maintaining a poker face for the next few days is what's going to be difficult.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I would wait on it a few days. Take some deep breaths, you now have a little predictability in her behavior. You'll know when the time is right.
After my W left, she didn't talk to me for 8 weeks. Around week 6, enough people convinced me that there definitely was an OM. I got confirmation and waited almost two weeks to finally confront. Interestingly enough, the day I was going to confront her she sent me a draft separation agreement first. She fired the first shot, but I was already prepared with exactly what to say. I think she was either defensive or taken back that I knew but still wanted to work out the M. Anyway, We then had some in depth talks for about 6 days and while not saying she wanted to work on the M, we ended up going back to counselling to discuss the kids.
Just like you, it seems like we have slid back from that better time in this crisis, but there's a plan in all of this, trust your faith.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
Well…you said it yourself, the information you obtained doesn’t prove anything other than your wife and “Johnny” were at a club with other people. And yes…it does s***k. At the minimum, you know your wife was with another man.
This information would send anyone into orbit.
You assume if you confront her it will end in an “over the top lashing episode where she will, almost guaranteed, try and do as much damage to what's left of the marriage.”
Based on her previous behavior…I would probably agree with you.
Here’s the problem when you deal with people who don’t have anything to lose: Their only concern is their self-preservation. What you are losing doesn’t enter into their brain. It’s not that they don’t care about you…it’s that they don’t even consider you once they feel trapped.
So, my advice is step back and ask yourself, “Where do I want to be in a year?”
If you cannot honestly answer this question then do nothing. Nothing is a strategy. And it’s a good strategy when you aren’t sure what to do.
If the answer to this question is, “I want to be with my wife” then stay silent.
You already know confronting her is not a good strategy. As I have said in the previous posts, my goal is to get you both to pastoral marriage counseling. This situation is something you can work through in pastoral marriage counseling. Once you are in marriage counseling you can approach this topic with a trained professional.
If the answer to this question is, “It doesn’t matter because if my wife has been with another man during this separation she has crossed a line which I can never live with” then you have to confront her with the full expectation the worst case scenario will occur.
I tell people to expect the worst case scenario when making this statement because they usually make this statement with the best case scenario in mind. The best case scenario is: I confront my wife and she begs me not to leave her.
This never happens.
The more likely scenario will be that she agrees with you. She says you should not be married to a deceptive spouse, then she proceeds with the divorce and pursues a relationship with “Johnny.” And he (Johnny) will become a permanent fixture in your wife and children’s lives.
I know none of these are good solutions.
But let me speak to trying to romance your wife and bring her to the point where she is amicable to marriage counseling.
If I could point to a critical flaw couples make in their marriage it is the “hurry up” mentality when conflict occurs.
Many couples see problems in their marriage as a 60 metres track & field event—solve the problem as quickly as possible so you can reach your goal of a conflict-free marriage.
But marriage was never meant to be a sprint where you solved issues quickly. It was meant to be a lifetime journey. You start at one place and end at another. Not every problem will be solved and not every argument will end. But, during the journey you will learn how to make your team strong. You learn how to problem-solve and live with conflicts so when difficult times come your team doesn’t collapse.
If, as a couple, you are focused on solving every problem—every single time—you never learn how to navigate through rocky waters. Then what will you do when you are forced to live with an unresolvable situation?
Jefe, you have had your share of rocky waters. And I don’t know what the future holds for you and your wife.
But, if you choose to stay silent on this issue and work through this--please do so with long-term goals in mind. If you stay silent with short-term goals it will surely drive you mad.
She's here right now. Hope, please stick around and I will update in about an hour.
I'm in it for the long haul.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Hope, I want to be with my wife. I married her for better or worse. This is the worse. I'm here until she files for divorce and goes through with it and then I'll probably stick around for a little while longer trying to repair whatever bridges are left.
I'm feeling very defensive and valueless at the moment. I feel like I have lost my center. God is my center but my wife was my strength too. My house is divided, I don't even feel like D7 is my daughter anymore. I feel like my house and my family are under attack.
She was here and gone in about 30 minutes. I gave her the stuff I got her at the store today. A bunch of stuff actually. Kind of wish in some ways I hadn't done it, then again, 7 X 70. She didn't even say thank you or appear to understand that it was an act of kindness... I guess I'm mind reading.
She wanted to check out my hair cut I got yesterday. She smiled and said: "Yeah, I like it." I looked her in the eyes got close and told her she was beautiful. She responded a little coyly, but sweetly.
The problem is, the intel I have is 2 weeks old at this point. It does su*k because she was at a bar in a not nice part of town. It's not a place I would picture a wife and mother of 2 young children who works for a church would hang out at. I was able to get a look at her Facebook page today and the fact that she was at this bar on the 18th with Johnny was the ONLY incriminating evidence I could find of ANYTHING. Someone else posted the 18th post and tagged her in it. It appears that after she deleted me she has gone fairly FB dim with just some random meme posts here and there. And I want to add, that Johnny plays on her Monday pool league so that fact that she was at a pool hall with a team mate is not necessarily strange, but this was a little more intimate. She did come home early this last Monday so who the he*l knows.
I don't see how long term goals will drive me any less mad.
Now what.
Last edited by Jefe; 11/03/1402:37 AM.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
...and just got a "Thank You" text. She's out doing "acts of service" for the kids.
Man I feel like such a schmuck.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Don't feel like a schmuck. Of course you are feeling defensive and valueless at the moment. It would be odd if you were not. You love your wife and your wife was in a terrible part of town with another man. Your feelings are normal.
Never underestimate the value of small gestures of intimacy. These are the ties that bind. Johnny may play pool with her but he has not built a life with her. He is in the position of “building intimacy.” You have already built intimacy with your wife. You are in the opposite position. You are in the position of “destroying intimacy.”
You have the stronger hold in her life but you must be wise enough to understand that anything which can be built can be destroyed.
Every day, every hour, every moment is another chance you have to rebuild intimacy with your wife--or destroy intimacy with your wife.
When I said “short-term goals will drive you mad” I mean that if you concentrate on “by next week this will happen” you will approach every day with urgency and be disappointed with the outcome.
But if you concentrate on “in 20 years we will have built a life” then you will approach today as a building block for the future.
For example, you understand that telling your wife she is beautiful tonight may not reap results next week--but in 20 years, when she is laying in your arms and you say, “You are beautiful” she will smile and say, “You always say that” and she will know it is true.
