I am so angry at what she is doing to her own children. So many people here talk about how their WAS's are such good mothers or fathers...BS. Good parents don't walk out on little children and think 30 minutes 2-3 times a week makes up for it
I hear ya on that one. I can't wrap my head around it. Good or bad, I told my wife today in counselling she's been an awesome mom for the last 5 years and I know she loves the kids. She then asked than why are you not sure what you want to do with the kids for custody? I said because how I feel is you just didn't walk out on me, you walked out on them too and for the last 3 months I really don't know where you stand with them. It's going to take me some time to get a feeling of how I feel about it now.
Again, may not be good, but it's honestly how I feel. Judging by her look, I think she's starting to realize the consequences of her actions, but I've been wrong before.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
"Judging by her look, I think she's starting to realize the consequences of her actions"
We can only hope.
My W totally believes right now that the kids are doing just fine and she's being a great mom.
You know the script. "If I'm happy then everyone around me should be happy too." or "They will be so much happier without us fighting around them all the time." I didn't realize we were fighting all the time.
But you know what, I'm pretty damned angry right now. This too shall pass. Obviously I know she was hurting before she left just doesn't seem much like it now. I wish I could just fix it all.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I wish I knew how to answer this but I really don't.
About six years ago, when my youngest was newborn, I was really depressed, angry and disappointed with my H. If I could have left him I totally would have. But I couldnt... Because I intended to keep my babies with me. There was no way in he11 I would have left them behind, for their well-being as well as mine. When I truly came to THAT realization is when I started trying to repair things with my H.
WRT the anger, etc., my only suggestion is that this is part of the process and you have to go through it. But go through it with an eye to eventually trying to improve that part of the situation, because there WILL come a time when you are calm enough to hear and apply good advice. It just might take some time.
Finally... When my S6 climbs into bed with me in the night with nightmares or whatever excuse he's claiming, I try to temper my frustration with gratitude that I get to be the one he turns to. We have a tight relationship because he knows he can rely on me, and he lets me know how much that matters to him. I'm sad for my H, who has no idea the depth and beauty of what he's missing.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I am grateful as can be that my girls are with me and am bothered by the fact she wakes me up or anything just frustrated that the wife is missing out on so much of their lives. These are such important times at this age.
I'm trying to hear the advice now. I just don't know what advice to follow. Everyone is making sound, logical suggestions from my point of view.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Wife just called. Asked how my day was, I asked about hers. She asked about the kids day. That was pretty much it.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, there will come a moment when something will really crystallize. And then all the advice you've gotten will fall into place and you'll see which bits fit and apply and which bits don't. We all come from slightly different situations so you'll pick what works best for yours based on your knowledge of yourself, your W, your kids, and your sitch. But for that to happen you'll need to be more detached and that takes time. Until then, keep doing the best you can. You've got this.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I guess you're right, Maybell. I am no where near detached enough.
I don't sleep so much anymore as I just drop from exhaustion, lately still dressed. Then an hour or 2 later the tossing and turning starts as my mind races out of control in and out of some alpha state. I wouldn't even call the nightmares I've been having dreams, they are more like thoughts that are out of control because I don't think I have hit a restful beta state in some time.
I wish I knew how to detach and let it go. I've tried and tried and prayed and prayed.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I wish I knew how to detach and let it go. I've tried and tried and prayed and prayed.
It will come, my experience was that the more that I thought about detaching, the more I was resisting because I knew it would be an emotional state that I was fearful of. Then, I let my guard down one weekend and it just happened after I got frustrated. If you're like me, The love you have for her will not dry up and you won't be resentful. I read the post about Matthew 3:18 on your thread last night and read that verse and I now understand how faith may play into a detached state. That helped me a lot trying to bridge the overt compassionate love and the more objective view of the situation once we're detached.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
I had to learn to take a stand for holiness in my marriage and in my home, and I had to learn how to set and enforce healthy boundaries. It STILL doesn't come naturally to me, but I'm happy to report that those skills that I learned while DBing have served me today, and now I've begun to teach them to our adult children, for use in their own relationships and business dealings.
What did this look like exactly for you? I've seen you talk about the financial end of things, but how about the rest?
Have you read my sitch? I think I've posted the links to you previously, Jefe. You ask a question that would require way more time than I have at the moment to answer, but ALL of my moves -- both the successful ones and the awkward, graceless ones -- are in my old threads.
I have not read your situation. I will search it out today.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
