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Joined: May 2004
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Hey Bug, I'm doing pretty darned well. Mostly staying out of trouble... smile


Me - 54
P - 59
Together 5 yrs
She left 4/2012
Joined: Dec 2013
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Labug- randomish question for you. I saw in your threads that you had an R talk with your H in November 2012 where he said it was time to settle things. Between that and when you started reconciling, did that ever come up again? Did you just keep doing what you had been doing and didn't worry about whether or not he would follow through?


Me:30 H:29, no kids
T:12, M:4 (when D was final)
12/13: "Don't think I want to be M anymore"
6/14: Separated (I move)
1/15: H filed for D
5/15: D final
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labug Offline OP
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Ahhh the temp check. smile

I did that knowing I was at the point that I needed to hear whatever he had to say. And although it was hard to hear and sad, it was also good.

I was then able to really let go and I did. Again being Dd wasn't going to change anything, I wasn't ready for a new R. But I knew I was getting there and when the time came, I would have had no qualms about filing. It would have been the next natural step in the process.

I learned so much about patience, not acting on emotion and trusting the process during this that has helped me in all areas of my life.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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labug Offline OP
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I'm posting this from Anne Lamott because she so gets it.

For all of us who by controlling think we're helping.

"...Then the ER doctor said, while stitching me up, that he'd read Traveling Mercies years ago, and that it might be a good book for his daughter. I asked nonchalantly if his daughter was going through it. His eyes filled with tears and to his horror, fell down his cheeks. He had to stop.
Grace met us right there. It meets you right where it finds you, but it does not leave you where it found you. It moves you toward breath; moves you towards things being a little bit better: wow. Grace WD-40. Grace is water wings. Grace makes you shake your head with wonder, and laugh and cry.
I said to the doctor, "This is your lucky day. I just had 28 years clean and sober. I am your daughter's new BFF." Now the daughter is in rehab, but the big story is that the doctor is in a rehab program for the families of alcoholics, who tend to have TINY psychotic control issues. I said to him, "Get off this poor girl's back. Your help is not helpful, except to help keep everyone sick. This is HER hero journey: you don't get to run beside her with juice boxes, Chapstick, and your control freak ways. If your help was helpful, she would not be in jail."
This had never occurred to the doctor, that he had a disease of Good Ideas for Other People.
I do, too. Now we are in recovery for this disease together. I put him together with one of my close friends,... who is also in recovery for these tiny control issues that make people just as miserable and mentally ill as the addicts and alcoholics we try to fix and save and rescue. "


We never know what lessons other people need in their lives.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2014
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Very nice, thank you for that. I have Traveling Mercies on my bookshelf, guess it's time to pull it down and open it up.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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labug Offline OP
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I just read the quote in my post again, I get so much from her writing, mostly because she isn't perfect, doesn't pretend to be perfect. She let's it all hang out, warts and all. I can identify.

I'm reading Wild right now and did 3/4 of it in one sitting. I think the author's description of her grief over the death of her mother and her abusive childhood will seem familiar to many people here.

If old wounds aren't healed they will always ooze and cause pain. Bandaids won't heal it.

Last edited by labug; 09/29/14 02:47 PM.

Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline OP
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One day she finally grasped that unexpected things were always going to happen in life. And with that she realized the only control she had was how she chose to handle them. So she made the decision to survive using courage, humor and grace. She was the queen of her own life and the choice was hers.

I wanted to bring this over here 'cause it so succinctly captures my own journey and I said almost the same thing, to my IC last week.

It's been an eventful 3-4 weeks. My MIL had to have emergency, middle-of-the night surgery. She's 88. Not the late night phone call you want to get. She's recovering nicely at 4 wks out but has some residual issues. My SIL has stayed with us some during this time and we've created a new and better R than we had before. This after I thought we'd never have a R, no matter what. Just goes to show what trying to predict the future is useless and life moves to its own beat.

My MIL has really latched on to me and can't say enough good things about me to the point that it's uncomfortable. She does have age-related dementia but I'm just curious about her sudden need to talk about this. They are not expressive people in that way so it may be her dementia has opened up that part of her brain. We've always had a good R but we weren't best friends. It's nice but curious. I'm glad she feels the love.

S21 is stuck, if anyone has read the book BrainLock-that's where he is. I may have to read it again. H and I have made some difficult decisions and are going to talk with him about boundaries and choices. We haven't because we need it to be a time when we're all 3 able to be present, not just in body but also in mind and spirit. So Thursday it is.

There's also a difficult work situation I'm dealing with but I'm handling it. Had to do an extra IC appt but I just needed bolstering. In the past that type of thing would have hit me like a ton of bricks and it's in these times that I can see that my changes are real and lasting.

I am the sky, everything else is just the weather. That's my goal.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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Labug, you are the sky, and also the ray of sun that shines whether it's visible or not.

I feel like I want to say something about your family's adventures but the words aren't coming as neatly as the feeling has. I think it all comes down to... Life is messy. We can cry over our spills while they drip on the floor or we can quick attend to it so it doesn't spread and get out of control. Thank you for mentoring me and others on where to find the sponge. smile Your family is lucky to have you.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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labug Offline OP
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Thanks, Maybell. You have so much inside you that's loving and giving and pure, it's a d@mn shame we allow others to decide what we let out because we're afraid.

We had the talk with S21 and the sky didn't fall, he didn't walk out, he listened. We'll now just see what happens.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 9,676
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labug Offline OP
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I know this story about my son isn't M related but it does impact M. S21 has gone silent on us, at least for now. That worries me. I'm thinking H and I may need C together to weather this. He and I have different ways of dealing with this, his sometimes includes raising his voice to get a point across and that makes me crazy. He hasn't had the advantage of years of C. Without that, I would also be doing a lot of yelling, or crying or both. frown

H also has the added responsibility of his Mom, and while it's not overwhelming, it's always in the back of his mind. I know, been there, done that. We've been in the "sandwich" for years now, first with my mom, now his.

Life is full of hills and valleys. Keep moving forward.


Me 57/H 58
M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13

Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do.
I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering.
Caroline Myss
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