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I'm glad he's being generous about the property with you. My H thought it was generous of him not to ask me to pay for his student loans (much of which was accrued before we even met). Craziness. And that is VERY SMART to request a change of county. I will be sending positive vibes your way. In some ways, I think a divorce would be better than a dissolution because I would prefer not to work out these details with my H. It would be so nice to be dark and not care anymore. Good luck with your mediation, and please keep me posted.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
So over it!
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raliced Offline OP
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Yeah- Well about the generosity - its really not that much (we hardly have any equity in the house) and he's "giving" me all kinds of tools I will probably never use.

I know this super duper mind reading - but I think he really wants some way to come out of this looking like a good guy. He tried to get me to be the one to file for divorce 3 times. Again - more mind reading - but I think there's a big difference between "I cheated on my wife, left my family and then divorced her" and "I cheated on my wife and then she divorced me" (and got her vengeance). I think he would like to be able to say "She got everything in the divorce". Either that or its just part of his running away from his life. Basically he took his truck and his clothes.

All that being said - I will take responsibility for my own debt (I just bought a car last year) - and he should actually have to pay for that as marital debt - so when you add it all up he's not doing me any favors.

Isn't this fun chit chat? Sigh....


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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Originally Posted By: raliced


I think he would like to be able to say "She got everything in the divorce".



I hope that doesn't stop you from taking everything. Everything you are entitled to, and a little more if that's what he offers. You earned it all.

No offense to my guy friends, I'm not saying punish the guy or ruin him financially. But don't feel badly about protecting yourself.



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rppfl...you made me laugh. I know you meant what you said, no more, no less. Something about the phrasing had me chuckling.

I think it is because we are here. We are DB'g. We are trying to grow. However, the feelings, often justified, of being wronged, of being treated unfairly seep through in unusual ways.

I am thankful that my W didn't get ugly. She just wanted out. She wasn't in an open affair or neglectful of her children. I can hate her decisions. I won't hate her.

rali, take what you can from this experience. Even now, when things seem to be spiraling, you can DB. Or simply observe. You will learn things that you can use in the future. I can't remember if you are open to reconciliation post-D, but even if all you can do is be present and listen in your H's presence, do it.

Talk to more than one attorney before you settle on one. If you have the power to change venue, do it. Your intuition on this seems very strong to me. I experienced something similar, and if we could have moved my W's custody case out of her XH's county, we would have done so. (He was a former sheriff's deputy.)


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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Originally Posted By: Shakspr
rppfl...you made me laugh. I know you meant what you said, no more, no less. Something about the phrasing had me chuckling.



Thanks, glad someone appreciates my humor as it was intended. smile



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raliced Offline OP
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Originally Posted By: Shakspr

I think it is because we are here. We are DB'g. We are trying to grow. However, the feelings, often justified, of being wronged, of being treated unfairly seep through in unusual ways.

I am thankful that my W didn't get ugly. She just wanted out. She wasn't in an open affair or neglectful of her children. I can hate her decisions. I won't hate her.

rali, take what you can from this experience. Even now, when things seem to be spiraling, you can DB. Or simply observe. You will learn things that you can use in the future. I can't remember if you are open to reconciliation post-D, but even if all you can do is be present and listen in your H's presence, do it.



Oy- Are you ready for the book? Obviously this has been at the forefront of my mind since the latest bombshell which was a whopper.

Yes- I suppose I'm open to reconciliation post divorce. I can tell you that if he suddenly snapped into reality and changed his mind today - I would probably still pursue divorce for the time being.

Here's why. Look - I've done plenty of soul searching about the marriage. Yes - I made mistakes, yes I have areas that I can improve in and yes I probably contributed to 50% of the issues in the marriage. That being said - none of these issues should have been marriage killers. I started DB to be a woman he would be a fool to leave and to be the better option. The truth is he is already a fool and I have always been the better option.

I did not marry a grown up. Let me give an illustration. STBX started his current job a little over a year ago. At first he loved it - rural county, beautiful scenery etc. Then he came home one night absolutely furious. He had been written up because the dept has a rule that if the patrol car's gas tank is under 75% full you have to fill it up at the end of your shift. He turned his in at 70%. The Sergeant who wrote him up was an ex-military guy. I remember hearing that story and thinking - "Well - now you know - these are rules, not guidelines, and they want you to follow them. Lesson learned." Don't most of us have things like that happen to us at work - and we get over them? Since that time, he has wailed non-stop about how he despises that agency, and all the ex-military people in it. Um- I'm pretty sure that most law enforcement agencies have a lot of ex-military in them. If that's what you want to do - you need to learn to work with them.

We talk about "standing for the marriage". Here's the thing - to me marriage is a promise to build a life together, and implicit in that promise is the idea that you will work through problems together (short of abuse). My husband has absolutely shredded this - he has left the life we built together while making no attempt to work on the issues. I took those vows seriously, I believe in richer, poorer, in sickness and in health. I've tried to persuade myself that STBX is suffering from a sickness - and maybe he is - but the truth is that he did make some conscious decisions here.

Therefore, I'm not so much standing for the marriage as I am standing for my family. I'm GAL and working for a PMA - but at the moment - it's for my own mental health and to help me be a great Mom. I'm not entering into any new relationships, because I know that right now I am starved for affection, and in a vulnerable place. STBX would need to do a lot of his own work for us to re-establish a marriage and at the moment I don't see many signs of that happening. And I'm too much of a realist to think that it will happen in the next 6 months before the divorce is final.

Truthfully - I worry about STBX. We've all seen the statistics about affair relationships. What happens if/when it ends? He'll have no place to live, no financial cushion and few friends. He'll still be stuck at a job that he hates (I don't think he could pass a background check with another agency anymore - they do interview ex spouses and I won't lie for him), he's alienated his family and thrown away our life.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
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Divorce Final 2/16
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Originally Posted By: raliced

Truthfully - I worry about STBX. We've all seen the statistics about affair relationships. What happens if/when it ends? He'll have no place to live, no financial cushion and few friends. He'll still be stuck at a job that he hates (I don't think he could pass a background check with another agency anymore - they do interview ex spouses and I won't lie for him), he's alienated his family and thrown away our life.


I spent very little time here and here's why (YMMV!)

I am a rock. If I only had budget for a trailer home or a shotgun shack I could raise my children in it to be happy, healthy and strong. Brains and desire go a long way.

I am the lighthouse. If my XW flames out spectacularly, she will see me as a beacon. Even if that doesn't lead to reconciliation, neither she nor my children will go hungry.

You see the theme around here waver from hopeful to desperate, from strong to weak. But one thing I've noticed that people gravitate to is that moment when each of us recognizes he/she is going to find a better way to live. We choose to change, though it is hard, though the path is long and fraught with obstructions. A life examined. A life of growth. Red in Shawshank Redemption said it best: Get Busy Living or Get Busy Dying.

I choose to live.


Me: 43 XW: 43
T15 M14
D21, SS15, S11, D8
BD: 8/6
EA / possible PA discovered 9/29
D final 10/20
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"We talk about "standing for the marriage". Here's the thing - to me marriage is a promise to build a life together, and implicit in that promise is the idea that you will work through problems together (short of abuse). My husband has absolutely shredded this - he has left the life we built together while making no attempt to work on the issues. I took those vows seriously, I believe in richer, poorer, in sickness and in health. I've tried to persuade myself that STBX is suffering from a sickness - and maybe he is - but the truth is that he did make some conscious decisions here.

raliced -- this is exactly how I feel too. I actually believe that we all have choices to make in our life. And my H was entitled to choose to leave me. But the WAY he went about it is what I have issue with. Like your H, mine didn't try to communicate at all what was going on -- instead he lied and lied and ran for the hills.

I think you're being generous in worrying about his future.


M: 43 H: 39
D: 14
Married 15 Together 16
BD: 6/2014
S: 8/2014
OW revealed 10/2014
Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress
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Well, true, but I didn't say "I will if you will." I just said "I do."

That doesn't mean I think nobody has the right to stop standing if that's what feels right. But if you make that choice, be sure it aligns with your personal values, boundaries, and integrity, and isn't retaliatory or angry. Your self-respect is in the balance.

Sometimes I get the sense that the urge to walk away is made in an effort to control the WAS. Like, we have so much confidence in DBing that we feel like we get to decide whether or not the marriage will recover through our unilateral efforts. Choosing to walk away is like flying them the bird and saying "You lose!" It's not a decision we come to based on an acceptance of our current situation (which could change the situation in itself.)

I hope this was clear. Sometimes I find myself on a roll and my actual point was made in the first line. wink


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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raliced Offline OP
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I've asked myself about the anger thing. I'm certainly angry about some things - and I have every right to be - but that isn't what's driving me right now - I'd say its resignation.

I don't know that the Stockdale Paradox is always in perfect balance. Right now - I'm being sued for divorce. My husband is making spectacularly bad choices that affect my kids and I need to focus on addressing the grim reality. That's just being responsible. The grim reality is that this marriage is cooked. Do I still have hope? Sure, I do. Despite all, at his core, STBX is a good man, and I'm sure his path has many twists and turns yet to come. I just feel its highly unlikely that path will lead him to wish to reconcile before D is final. And even if it did, I doubt I would trust his sincerity enough to make it work in that time frame

Something changed in me with the revelation that my husband has been living with the OW since BD. It's not even the discovery of the lie or the poor behavior in front of the kids. Prior to this, I certainly accepted that an affair can be an intoxicating and addictive experience (which is why I was trying to slow D down). Now though, I realize that he has made concrete choices. He could have chosen to rent an apartment in our town, date his OW and see his children far more frequently. Instead he chose to rent a house with her immediately, an hour away which makes seeing his children much less frequent (not to mention unpleasant for them - given all the driving). He has Sundays off this quarter. He could have chosen to see them then. but he didn't. He has chosen a runaway life with OW again and again, to the detriment of his kids.

Make no mistake - just because I have accepted that a divorce will happen and that my husband is extremely unlikely to do any self reflection in the foreseeable future that would lead to improved relations - my own behavior and expectations will not change. I will still GAL, strive for PMA and work on self improvement. I just completely accept that its for me and my kids and may not do anything for STBX.


2 Ds: 7 and 4
BD and Sep: 7/14
Divorce Final 2/16
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