I hope you are not thinking of sending the second half of that "rant."
Detach! Detach.
There are some good things you have written to say to yourself, but there are also lots of covert contracts embedded within what you have written.
Quote:
....It hurts and disappoints me that you would choose to break up our family and pursue an affair rather than talk to me openly about what was bothering you....
...I would choose to work on our perfectly fixable relationship to provide the home that our children deserve and share a lifetime of happiness with you. But that is not my decision – it requires both of us to work together to face our individual issues and take responsibility for our own happiness and self esteem. I will do my part regardless....
Communicating the above probably isn't going to help you until your W had demonstrated a real change in attitude and begged (literally begged) to come back. The message I read from you is that she can walk all over you and get away with it, any time she wants.
It is tough love time. You will be far better off focusing on your GAL and DBI-ing, then trying to talk some sense into her.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Thanks Sandi. Its very unfamiliar to me so a bit weird. Unsurprisingly I worry that it feeds her view that I'm a controlling bully - she has previously said I'm attritional in arguments.
My tone was calm but may have been quite forceful because I was trying to control my emotions. Difficult to know how it seemed to her. Not sure I had the expression on my face under control though.
Should have been clearer it was after the kids were in bed. I was restating my position about not discussing it in front of the kids
Your right I should have stepped forward I was trying not to as I didn't want to seem threatening.
Its new but I'll learn
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Jim, I think you handled this very well for your first time out of the gate.
Like I said, expect her to push back and get nasty. And so it has started.
She's not used to this from you and it sets her off balance. You just continue to stay calm, and like Sandi said, don't feel like you're the one who needs to walk away.
Sometimes getting "nose to nose" communicates your point VERY well.
Not a bullying stance, but a firm one. Stand up straight, take a deep breath, look her right in the eye and say "No. We will discuss this later." Then ignore her and go about your business.
Be prepared for her to escalate, as she has already shown she will do. (Boy, THAT was fast!)
But I wouldn't worry too much about this setting the stage for how a divorce might go. This is really just the beginning dance. She is not used to you asserting yourself and she is trying like mad to control what's happening.
Eventually, she will fizzle out. You'll know when it happens. Then you can pat yourself on the back.
Don't engage..
As we say around here, "Drink a big ol' swig of STFU juice and take a nice dose of CTHD." (You can look those up.) Worked for me. Still works wonders.
Hang in there!
---(G)GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Expect her to put up resistance. You've been her cat to kick around for a long time. Just don't let things get physical. Leave the house if heads that direction.
I agree with this and I also think you did well for a beginner. Don't forget also that things have a way of evolving after they happened. In the middle of a fight, one person might be convinced of their own righteousness, but a day later, they realize what fool they've been to argue this much. I suspect your W will soon realize that her aggressiveness is not to her advantage. Make sure you have a reasonable case, then keep firm and calm. Think of what an external observer would say about your mutual positions. Or perhaps think of a role model and try to act like him/her. Time is on your side.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Or, as someone once said, "have the discussion as though your granny were sitting there watching with a video camera and it was going to end up on National Television."
That's the mindset you want, Rhett/Tony.
I'm now thinking Sean Connery in the Hitchcock film "Marnie".
He was that right mix of firm assertiveness, yet showed genuine caring and he had her best interests at heart. But he told her in no uncertain terms what he expected and he was definitely a "take charge" guy.
(At least, that was my impression from the bits I was able to catch.)
I know... I'm weird. I really need to have a character in my head to play some of these scenes. (Yee-haw y'all, it's gittin' close to quittin' time here on the old Triple G ranch and Cooky is gonna rustle us up some vittles, heard tell it was beans and cornbread. Ummm---UM! Don't it just make yer belly rumble???" )
it doesn't come naturally for me either. I don't think it does for anybody at first.
Do whatever silliness you have to do to channel that strong, yet sensitive, inner man!
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
I've had some really good advice and support. Thank you
The film references are good - I find that easy to relate to though any reference to Connery makes me want to channel marko Ramius.
I like that granny watching on TV viewpoint. I think I need to be careful of drifting into smug and patronising which would be bad as that gets into my defence mode.
I've been out playing squash since so I'll guess we will see in the morning if there is a reaction
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I like the granny thought, too. And for the record, don't confuse aggressiveness with threatening type behavior. You don't want to make her feel threatened, but you want to show that you will not be bullied and won't run from her b'tching fits. When you say something to her, don't do it in a timid way, but with a certain confidence that you expect it do be enforced.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
We have to be patient. We want the swift action of words, but we need the deep impact of actions. Sure, they don't trust us right now. Why would they after such a short period. My W is still very defensive with me, but I just let it go and consider every such encounter as another drop in the bucket, another opportunity for me to show that I've changed. And anyway, we need time to change for real! We're in a crisis right now and feel changed, but honestly I'm not sure I would be a changed man in 5 years if she were to come back tonight. 2 months would suddenly seem quite short. Still a lot of work to do on myself.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
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