There are so few positive outcomes on these boards. It makes me wonder if there is really any hope.
I know there is hope for saving ourselves in this process, but I wonder how many marriages are actually saved once they reach this point.
I think its dangerous to put the hopes and dreams of our M on others who are "here" .... truth is .. the M collection here is at a crossroads and its not easy even without all the issues let alone the walking wounded mess we all are.
The hope comes from the DB techniques we all aquire here, the support of people who truly "get" what we are going through, who do not tell us to give up ... because they understand and can offer insight, wisdom, guidance, or just a lending ear.
Hang in there Ahoy ... it will pass. Detach, work on you.
It does seem to be a rather down day, doesn't it? I do subscribe somewhat to the theory that people drop off once their situation improves. The very first poster on my first thread seemed to be heading in a good direction and hasn't been heard of since mid Sept - so I hope he's doing well. Sometimes I find hope in unexpected places - someone will mention in their thread that their parents got remarried, or a best friend stopped a divorce at the last minute.
Worst case scenario- there's no one in real life who appreciates what we're going through like the people on these boards.
Argh. So I've been changing the beneficiaries on my 401Ks, and for one of them (the largest), I have to have spouse's signature of approval. That's not going to happen. So I guess that will have to wait until the D. Yuck.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
It is NOT a down day. At least, not in my corner of the world.
So I'm on my 18th thread. Which is kind of embarrassing. But when I first started posting here ere was a whole different cast showing up on the front page. And the cast that was on the first page when I started posting is entirely different from the cast that was on he front page when I started lurking.
I almost gave up on this site because one of the first threads I started reading was Train's. When I started, her H was really nasty, had trashed one of her anniversary treasures, told her in writing that he was reducing her support to an amount that wouldn't cover the mortgage, and that she should let the house go into foreclosure. She was contemplating a really dramatic move out of town and was on the verge of signing papers. In one day he went from texting OW behind her back t asking if they could work things out.
Another hopeless case was T0324. Hers was really venomous. She still shows up from time to time. Her turn around happened over two weeks. You would not believe the stuff her H did. And yet they're piecing
Thornton posted every single day, broken hearted. Six straight weeks of no contact with his long-term girlfriend and her daughter, who had been part of his life since she was one year old. That part especially broke his heart. The girlfriend was posting stuff on Facebook that made it seem like she was thrilled to be loose, but when they started speaking again she'd lost 20 pounds and cried every single day.
A few others I read decided their lives were a lot better without their H's and moved on. They were great voices and I miss them.
In my family I know of several couples that divorced and then remarried one another. Among my friends I know a few that separated for several months and you'd never know they were anything other than happy now. And I know bunches of stories where the couples did divorce and the LBS's went on to marry the loves of their lives. (Generally, the WAS's did not. And basically all of them regretted their decision. Which is not necessarily a desirable outcome but is a telling one.)
Being here, doing the work, that's worth while. Doing the work earns you the happy ending, whatever it may be. Sometimes it's reconciliation. Sometimes it's not. But you can make it happy if you choose to.
Hugs to you!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thank you so much Maybell for this post. I also have my doubts about the method sometimes and it's good to know that it's working toward reconciliation for some of us. I believe that it's the right path, whether we get back together with our spouse or not, but in my heart of hearts, I'm still at the point where I want to be back with her more than anything. Patience...
I keep a file of those success stories, so there's also minkerman, Starsky309 and HopefulStill. For the last two, I've been told of their story, but I don't have the link to the threads. There should be a field in our signature!
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
I have many friends who have renewed their relationships! It can be done. I have a good friend who recently stopped her divorce at the last minute, literally the week before it was granted. She's now expecting twins.
I have several couple friends who have split up and reunited after time has passed. Sometimes a few months, sometimes years. It appears now they are happier than ever.
Lately I noticed couples in my circle of friends that used to have a lot of conflict and seemed on the edge of splitting up, have seemingly worked out their troubles and become so much closer.
And there are plenty of examples on here as Maybell said. Those of us who are sad and struggling often post the most, and tend to get the most sympathy and feedback. The others who are doing better sometimes drop off. So you might not notice those folks.
There is hope. DB does work. I can see it working in my own situation and others on here, although I don't know what the outcome will be for us.
