Claire, I'm back on your thread and reading it through and I decided Not to go back to your earlier posts to find what I seek.
Instead, I'll ask you to take a trip back in time....tell me now, what you think YOUR PART in all this, originally, was...and
in what ways you are now different than you were, before.
Originally Posted By: claire7
He walked out on me exactly one year ago. I can't believe I am someone whose husband walked out on her. I can't believe it's been an entire year since that happened. It still feels so surreal. Will there ever be a time in my life when I think about what's happened and not cry? YES.
One year has passed, and now I have to face a second round of milestones-- my wedding anniversary next week. Thanksgiving, my D's birthday, New Year's, my H's birthday, and on and on. Forever. It will NOT be for forever, unless for some crazy reason, you choose that, (which you won't.)
Even among the few women I know who are divorced, I can only think of two whose husbands walked out on them like mine. One of them is purely evil-- trying to take away custody, leaving her nearly penniless. Nearly all the divorced women I know left their husbands. When I think of that, I feel small and sad and humiliated. So there's clearly an ego piece of this, b/c a lot of us would feel WORSE if WE had ended the marriage; not better. This is interesting that you feel worse b/c you wanted to keep the family intact...
anything in that other than pride talking? I'm being sincere b/c I think when you parcel out the wounded ego and injured pride, and look at what's left, it's not a lot. And that's good to know.
I feel betrayed not only by him, but by his entire family and nearly all his friends who have stood by him while he walked out on his wife-- a loving, honest, beautiful person. Be a loving honest beautiful person and in that, LIVE IT. Honest loving beautiful people PITY those who cannot appreciate the intrinsic value in YOU.
And I do pity them. What must they say to convince themselves that their son/friend has done a good thing? And the answer is NOTHING B/c we do NOT KNOW what the feel.
My oldest brother left a wonderful loving honest beautiful woman. I still miss her although we remain close. IT's hard at holidays when I know she'd make it so much more fun. My brother was a lousy h and still is (in marriage #2). But he does not know it! We do. Make no mistake, as much as my ex SIL may believe we accepted his choice, what choice did we have? We all urged him back to her but to no avail. He's a fool...and that's my oldest brother's story and he's sticking to it.
Unfair to her? God yes, at first....b/c in time, she met OM and to be fully honest, my brother did her a favor by divorcing her. Not saying it did not hurt A LOT.
But She really is a lot happier with her OM (now her h of 10 years) than she ever would have been with my oldest brother. Her present h is much better suited to her and treats her much better than my brother ever could or would have. Just not in him to give a lot in a relationship, but her 'new h' does.
And yes, she admits she is happier than she expected to be, with or without my brother. So, there you go...and fwiw, their d does seem pretty well adjusted. I think that's b/c her parents rarely bad mouthed the other, to my knowledge. That helps. AND she did love our family and we loved her back.
Try to believe that it's possible your inlaws feel like crap about their son's choice but they do love him and at times like this (and my older brother did the same thing), their comments are being measured for "family loyalty" points. I got a lot of flack from my brotherS (3 of the 5) for urging him back to his wife and for not taking "his side" of things. Years later, they see things differently but we have accepted his new wife b/c she didn't do anything (morally) wrong by marrying our brother...
I'm spinning myself into a fit right now. But I'm still so hurt and angry. I hate him. I HATE HIM. I had an amazing GAL weekend-- drinks with colleagues on Friday. Great day with D and visit with old friends (who are exceptionally loving, kind, positive people) yesterday, and an awesome cooking class today. Keep this up! I'm sorry, but I'm not ready to wish him well. What he's done is not right.
Who said you have to wish him well? Or judge his choices? Not me...get back to YOU and YOUR LIFE and GAL....you yourself and Claire....that' enough for now
I know I need to focus on me and all the progress I've made, and all that's good in my life. But right now at this moment my heart is hurting a lot. And I need to let myself feel that right now. I've been through a lot.
Yes you have. And life is there for you to live it and all I'm saying is, "live it well."
He's not the barometer to measure your value with. IF HE wins the lottery that does not make you "flat broke." He's not the indices for your happiness or misery.
Stop caring about that.
And as far as "gee his w is making it so easy on him" goes, let me tell you that few if any people will not also say "what's he really gaining by leaving a woman like that??"
Finally, don't forget that I have 2 family members who divorced and later, years later, remarried...so yes, it happens.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
And, It's not that I've decided I'm not following that marriage contract any more, but I don't need to have a public symbol to him and anyone in my home. If he wants back into our marriage, he knows where to find me.
Exactly. Meanwhile you are LIVING THE GOOD LIFE, and that's what matters.
Okay?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I want to spend some time thinking about your questions when I have a bit more time. It's been a tough week, I'm not going to lie. (Lots of good stuff, but also lots of work and personal stress, and a dear friend going through a tough time of her own).
Sigh. Struggling so much to be detached but still responsive to positive gestures on his part.
I find that my responses are probably curt. Not angry, but perhaps could be interpreted that way, especially when I don't really engage in a conversation about something he brings up. (He brought up something about our D3, and asked, 'what do you think?'... I just replied, "sounds good".
But I don't feel like I'm in a place where I can do that and not have any expectations.
He wants to go trick or treating all together, which I know is best for my D, and I should be happy about that. But it also feels so hard.
I know the answers are on this board and that others are struggling with the same thing. Just journaling a little bit to give myself a pep talk I guess.
I saw a man on my way home and tried to imagine him as my D's step father. The thought of that was really unsettling to me.
I'm worried I don't feel strong enough to get through this afternoon showing my best self. But I have no other choice. I am brave enough and strong enough!!
For what it's worth, I've been pretty curt today too. I don't have to leap to the bait just because he's in the mood to engage. I am not Plan B.
With three kids, we never did trick or treat together. So that part's ok for me.
I also didn't want to imagine a stepdad for my kids. But I have a friend who divorced her H when her little one was four. She met a great new guy right away and has been dating him for five years -- the first three without her kids even knowing. Now things are super serious, and the kids are participating in that part of her life. I think it's a lot more organic a process for her than just finding a random guy off the street to be a stepdad. that's how I want it to be if that's the path my life takes. The idea of really taking my time to develop the relationship appeals.
Happy Halloween!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I think you're doing just fine. I went through the stage where it was too hard for me to be friendly and I'm pretty sure my responses were curt and some days I just couldn't even respond. Don't be so hard on yourself. He's already a fool anyway. Enjoy your night with your D, H is just like a friend tagging along (easier said than done I know).
You have made strides in your changes for yourself and I'm pretty sure you would make a better choice than some man on the corner but seriously - worry about things as they come along. Unless you're worried about dating right now that shouldn't even be an issue. I have a friend going through a D. She told me she just takes it one day at a time and tries not to stress about what she can't control.
takes it one day at a time and tries not to stress about what she can't control.
There's the one little thing that seems so inconsequential but is really at the heart of how to live a happy life.
That and let go.
Ditto.
(Now if I could only apply it in my own life as easily)
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
that's how I want it to be if that's the path my life takes. The idea of really taking my time to develop the relationship appeals.