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Originally Posted By: mindsin
I've been having a really down day today. My W sent me an e-mail telling me that she will be going away this weekend (leaving Fri, returning Sun afternoon).

I know I'm not supposed to be focusing on what she's doing, but when my kids keep asking me about her, I just get more and more sick and tired of lying and covering from her. And if she chooses to spend less time with the kids, that doesn't affect me and my desire to make sure I'm there for the kids whenever I can be.

Protect your kids and if that happens to "help" her, so what? How easy or hard do you want it to be for her to choose her family?

Don't make her come home with her tail between her legs/ she never did that to you when you took your 'escorts" out. (I hate the euphemism you use for your adultery and the contrasting way you describe her behavior b/c it's a double standard). But I'll move on....


I'm just finding this really tough, and sometimes I feel like I need to [b]'do or say something'. But that may be just my frustration and impatience talking. Nothing good will come out of me challenging my W's priorities as a mother.
[/b]

Your anger and wounded ego/pride are fueling your frustration. Control them better and be the better choice. She still does not believe in the "new you" yet, so until if and when she does, this will sukk.
You need to cope with that.

How? BY GAL and Detaching and being fully present for your children.



I was at my in-laws' house at lunchtime helping out my FIL with a computer issue when I got that e-mail from my W. I vented to him and my MIL a little and I was visibly upset.

Really bad idea for you to do that. Do they know all about YOUR past infidelities and the money issues?


They think at this point, I should pick up the phone and call the OM. Threaten him. He feels free to cohort with my W because there is no threat. They feel that over the months, I have given the OM a level of comfort that he should not be feeling. Even if I don't take action, just the presence of the POSSIBILITY of action could be enough to make him take a step back or two. Maybe it will only take a few words here and there. And if he's truly on the fence (between his W and mine), maybe it could be something that could expedite his decision.


STOP THIS^^^.....


It all sounds really bold, and somewhat extreme, but I must say it is very tempting at this point. It seems like a last resort move (and I'm not talking about LRT).



It's a desperate act and its' stupid in my opinion. You are slowly building your wife's confidence in the new calm confident kind YOU, but now your ego wants to have a temper tantrum and do some weird "anger filled" self righteous garbage and that's tempting to you?

Your growth is more shallow than I realized. What has changed in you? I forget.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: mindsin
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

If only you had left OUT that last parting shot....it's so see through.


It wasn't meant as a parting shot. There was no sarcasm or snark in that statement. I truly and genuinely was happy to see that she was making an effort.

So what? It's still an insult b/c it implies that her making an effort is somehow unusual for HER.

DIg a little deeper...


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Really bad idea for you to do that. Do they know all about YOUR past infidelities and the money issues?


They absolutely know. My W revealed it to them early on (before BD). A few days later, I visited them and apologized to them for the pain I caused their daughter and my failure as a husband.

Now (months later), they've been supporting me emotionally and helping me through this difficult time, and have made it clear that they want to help in whatever way they can to keep us intact. Sometimes they say or do things that they think are helping (like suggesting I threaten the OM, and nearly convincing me that it's a good move).

Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

It's a desperate act and its' stupid in my opinion. You are slowly building your wife's confidence in the new calm confident kind YOU, but now your ego wants to have a temper tantrum and do some weird "anger filled" self righteous garbage and that's tempting to you?


If it breaks the A, then absolutely, it's tempting. The arguments were very convincing, but in the end I tend to agree with you.

It sounded like a good idea at the time. smile


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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Posts: 370
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W just sent me a text message saying that she loved the grilled chicken I made her for lunch, and said I'm becoming a good cook.

I simply replied, "Thanks".


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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25 - What is your advice on how to deal with my W's e-mail regarding her weekend away? Do I simply ignore it? Say nothing? That's what my gut tells me.

Another part of me tells me that I need to at least address the unfairness of her simply going away at a whim's notice, leaving me at home with the kids. I was thinking maybe I should finally have that talk with her about a parenting schedule, and that weekend plans (away from the family) needs to be coordinated.

Thoughts?


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 13,511
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Originally Posted By: mindsin
25 - What is your advice on how to deal with my W's e-mail regarding her weekend away? Do I simply ignore it? Say nothing? That's what my gut tells me.

Another part of me tells me that I need to at least address the unfairness of her simply going away at a whim's notice, leaving me at home with the kids. I was thinking maybe I should finally have that talk with her about a parenting schedule, and that weekend plans (away from the family) needs to be coordinated.

Thoughts?



I have 2 competing thoughts. ON one hand, I'd normally say "ignore it".

That might be the DB answer too. But OTOH, you say you want a schedule so you can plan your own life and the kids. (The unfairness is pointless to mention. She has a scorecard of her own and you are way behind on that. Don't assume for a minute that your inlaws apparent willingness to forgive you for sins of the past, means a thing to HER. THEY were not humiliated; she was. They were not betrayed, she was. They were not abandoned for another woman, she was. Marital assets were used for your "escorts" and not theirs...They were not in a marriage counselor's office crying b/c of your betrayals, again...she was.

Moving on....

You might have made a good point about the need to plan and coordinate, but
I'm wondering how much planning this really needs now, however. It's not as if she did not tell you in advance, in fact she did tell you and now you are upset.

So decide if what upsets you is OM existence, which I think it is, versus "the need to plan". We know what it is b/c you did not mention a need to plan, you only mentioned how unfair she is to you. That's not persuasive to me b/c again, you overlook your own past in which you behaved reprehensibly for years, and now she's done something painful to you for what? A year? Less?.....

What planning needs really exist? The need to plan vacations sounds legit, the need to plan around holidays also.

Also unlike some situations, this Affair cannot last indefinitely. Distance and time and HIS family...

Much as you want to be THE reason she quits it, you might not be, or you may not be the only reason. But so what, as long as she does the work needed to be married, in time?

I would not be the one to rush to end this b/c the chances of backfiring are higher than you realize. I say that b/c I think it took a he11 of a lot for her to want out in the first place...and we both know you helped get her to that place.

Remember this is a marathon and not a sprint. Take your ego out of this and stay the course.

give yourself an internal time line of "X date" and then reassess when X comes along. No need to decide now, what you do then.

But know that the limbo you are in, is not eternal.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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You're absolutely right about the scorecard. We both have ours, and it matters not who's "winning", because she'll never think I am.

Where I get tripped up is when I start doing comparisons which then leads to thoughts of "Well I never did that (when out with escorts)". I remember doing a lot of that in the beginning (I even posted it in my very 1st thread back in June).

That ^ helps no one, certainly not me.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 2,708
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My rule of thumb is if you're feeling any negative emotions (resentment, pain, impatience, fear, embarrassment) DO NOTHING. Wait. Let some time pass. You need to be your best self at all times. You can't afford to slip in verbal interaction and that is tough. When it comes to planned interactions and written communication there is no excuse. Be very patient.

25s right, the limbo doesn't last forever. I was living wih a friend for 4.5 months and giving all my income to STBX to support the household while she was with OM a lot of the time. I had my reasons. I didn't react emotionally, or to control. At points I felt I was being a rug or an enabler, and there was some of that. But now I've files he separation and am taking action. While I'm glad I am, I hvmave NO regrets about the timelines. Ill always be able to look back and know I did what the situation demanded of me based on her actions, not my emotions. And 4 months in the scheme of this is trivial.

So while it may feel like you're waiti forever when you're in pain, I seriously doubt you're puttin up with too much for too long here. In fact, a good measure is until you have accepted your sitch and can handle things in a detached and compassionate way, it's probably good to be still, process, and work on yourself.

There are exceptions but you get the idea.


Me:38 XW:38
T:11 years M:8 years
Kids: S14, D11, D7
BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Joined: Apr 2014
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This is right-on by Zues:

"My rule of thumb is if you're feeling any negative emotions (resentment, pain, impatience, fear, embarrassment) DO NOTHING. Wait. Let some time pass. You need to be your best self at all times. You can't afford to slip in verbal interaction and that is tough. When it comes to planned interactions and written communication there is no excuse. Be very patient."

You have less to lose by waiting until you have yourself centered than you do by reacting when you're emotional. You need to respond, not react.

---(G)GGG


Me 54 Him 63
M 23 T 29
0 Kids
Funny Farm of Rescues
12/12 OW--
5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied
9/13 Proof OW: ENDED
2/14 Got D papers on my BD
I kicked him out for my sanity
9/14 He wants to "talk"?



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mindsin Offline OP
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Yes, you are all right on.

Right now, the interaction between my W and I is the best it's been probably since she came back from her 9 day trip in late sept/early oct.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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