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mindsin Offline OP
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Yesterday, I went to a company event for about 5 hours during the day. It was food, football, billiards, and good conversations. My W took the kids to the zoo, followed by a visit to her cousin (the one who knows our sitch). She sent me some photos throughout the day of the kids at the zoo. I responded with simple phrases -- "very nice!", "looks like fun", etc.

I was home first. I did laundry, went grocery shopping, exercised. She came home afterwards very cold to me. Didn't say a word and barely acknowledged my presence. I could easily have let my mind wander and try to take guesses as to the reasons why. But I simply accepted it as par for the course.

My FIL said to me the other day, "You don't want her to be happy all the time, because that means she is happy in her new life (with the OM, etc.). You actually want to see her upset at times, because that means her life is not as rosy as she may have thought it would be after she engaged in the A, decided to leave you, etc."

I knew she was on edge, and the smallest thing may set her off. It did just that around 9:00 PM, when she declared that she's going to go downstairs to watch a little TV and drink coffee -- totally dismissing the fact that she needed to get our 3yo daughter to sleep. I had to work early in the morning and told her about an hour ago that I'm turning in. My son was already asleep. She may have realized this as I reminded her that our daughter needs to be put to bed. As soon as I said that, she snapped back at me and said:

"I'm going downstairs to get my coffee. Is that OK with you?!"

Ah yes, good times. frown

W is taking the kids to her company's halloween costume day (where employees bring their kids to work, etc).

I'm happy that she is at least making an effort to spend time with the kids.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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Monday evening, I went to Costco to do some shopping and she made a list for me. While there, I bought a pair of indoor slippers for her because the ones she has are old and kind of raggy looking.

She came home and saw the new slippers, still in its box. She was surprised, and said, "Oh, you bought slippers for me"?

I replied, "Yeah, the ones you have are kind of..."

I nodded. She finished my sentence and said, "old and worn out"?

She continued, "Yeah, but they're UGGS. They're really comfortable. My mom can wear these new ones (when she comes over the house)"

The rest of the evening was very pleasant. It's almost like she flipped a switch. I may be reading into it too much, but maybe the simple act of buying her slippers (even though she didn't want them) reminded her that I still think of her and perhaps it touched her in some way. Who knows. It's just mind reading anyways.

Yesterday (tuesday) was also a good day. She knew I was driving an hour away to work on a project for one of my company's clients. I also knew that she had a very hectic work day, going on a warehouse tour at her new company, starting at 5:30 AM.

I was so tempted to text her something during the day because I thought of her, and I missed her. I wanted to build on our pleasant interactions the night before, but I stayed the course and did not.

In the afternoon, it was my W who reached out to me, texting, "I am so tired!!!"

I replied back, "I'm tired too. Doing a lot of physical work today. Are you at home? If so, you should rest and maybe take a nap."

She said she actually had to go back to the office and she said she'll pick up the kids this evening.

At 6:45 PM, I texted her, "I'm still here. Maybe a couple more hours until I'm done."

She replied back "OK". Then 15 minutes later, she said, "Where are you?"

I told her where, and gave her details (such as the address). She asked me what I was doing (the scope of my work). I told her and sent her a photo of the new datacenter I was building out.

Later, I told her that I'll be working from home tomorrow (today). She replied, "OK", and then we got into some friendly small talk.

Over the next couple of hours, she asked me a couple times what my ETA was, asked how many people were there with me, suggested I sleep over my parents house (either because she didn't want me driving back late or because she didn't want me to disturb her when I walk in the house).

Whatever the reasons were, I liked the fact that she is actively engaging me and thinking of me.

Baby steps. This is a marathon.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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Another good day yesterday. That's three consecutive good days in a row, which feels like a milestone.

W and I cooked dinner together last night. After we ate, I played with the kids while she did her exercise program.

She also asked me, "If you wake up early enough tomorrow, can you make a breakfast sandwich for me?"

I said, "Sure."

As a change of pace, I read and put our daughter to bed while she did the same with our son.

This morning, I did make that breakfast sandwich for her (two eggs w/pepper jack cheese on toasted whole wheat), and she thanked me.

She wore a nice black dress for work and I wanted to compliment her, but I held back. I just wished her a good day at work, and she did likewise.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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I've been having a really down day today. My W sent me an e-mail telling me that she will be going away this weekend (leaving Fri, returning Sun afternoon).

I know I'm not supposed to be focusing on what she's doing, but when my kids keep asking me about her, I just get more and more sick and tired of lying and covering from her. And if she chooses to spend less time with the kids, that doesn't affect me and my desire to make sure I'm there for the kids whenever I can be.

I'm just finding this really tough, and sometimes I feel like I need to 'do or say something'. But that may be just my frustration and impatience talking. Nothing good will come out of me challenging my W's priorities as a mother.

I was at my in-laws' house at lunchtime helping out my FIL with a computer issue when I got that e-mail from my W. I vented to him and my MIL a little and I was visibly upset.

They think at this point, I should pick up the phone and call the OM. Threaten him. He feels free to cohort with my W because there is no threat. They feel that over the months, I have given the OM a level of comfort that he should not be feeling. Even if I don't take action, just the presence of the POSSIBILITY of action could be enough to make him take a step back or two. Maybe it will only take a few words here and there. And if he's truly on the fence (between his W and mine), maybe it could be something that could expedite his decision.

It all sounds really bold, and somewhat extreme, but I must say it is very tempting at this point. It seems like a last resort move (and I'm not talking about LRT).


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,428
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Nope. Definitely not.


Me 38 H 40
D 3
T 8 M 6
BD 10/2013

Joined: Jul 2014
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Mindsin ... Just caught up on your sitch

About the OM, I am not sure this would be a good move ... I know there were times I wanted to do the same .. her OM was an athletic trainer, I drove by that gym a few times thinking of goin in there, making a lous scene, possibly clocking him with a dumbell ... I get it. You want him GONE and out of the picture.

Reading your past few days, she is connecting with you, you had a good past few days. The A was and is .. built on lies and deciept .. it will run its course, it will not last .. either your W will call it off .. or the OM will. This WILL NOT LAST ... but if you are the one ... lets say you talk to the dude and he tells your W its over .. guess what ... now not are all the marriage issues your fault ... you just ruined another thing she "enjoyed" .. .this will not help you big picture wise.

My W A lasted ... who knows 4 years-12 months... I have no start date .. but I found out in Jan, they were on and off for months after that, I can tell you this .. things changed when I told her the A was disrespectful to me, our marriage, our family, and her family... you can set a boundary .. but you can not get involved in their relationship .. that must run its short life expectancy.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Originally Posted By: mindsin
I had a wonderful weekend so far with the kids. Last night I met up with my FIL and my son at his school for the Halloween bash. He had such an awesome time there. Saturday, we slept in and I took them out to brunch, then my son's soccer. After that, I took the kids to my friend's house warming party. They had a blast and so did I. My friend had a billiards table and I played for the first time in years! We were there for about 5 hours then we headed over to my in-laws for some coffee, hot cocoa (for the kids) and some good conversation.

GOOD STUFF^^^^. Keep it up for THEM and for you...and not anyone else


My W didn't call or text me yesterday or today - not even to talk to the kids or even ask how they were doing. She just came home a few minutes ago. She was with the OM since Friday afternoon.


Not relevant. Leave it alone! Let her work herself out of this in her time....how on earth does your monitoring it help you at all??

I really don't care where they went or what they were doing.

I think this is the first time I can truly say that and be honest to myself about it. I feel I'm taking positive steps forward.



If you don't care about it, then stop talking about it and stop thinking about it.

I'd be a lot more convinced of your honesty about it, if you stopped focusing on it.


M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
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Originally Posted By: mindsin
Yesterday, I went to a company event for about 5 hours during the day. It was food, football, billiards, and good conversations. My W took the kids to the zoo, followed by a visit to her cousin (the one who knows our sitch). She sent me some photos throughout the day of the kids at the zoo. I responded with simple phrases -- "very nice!", "looks like fun", etc.

I was home first. I did laundry, went grocery shopping, exercised. She came home afterwards very cold to me. Didn't say a word and barely acknowledged my presence. I could easily have let my mind wander and try to take guesses as to the reasons why. But I simply accepted it as par for the course.

My FIL said to me the other day, "You don't want her to be happy all the time, because that means she is happy in her new life (with the OM, etc.). You actually want to see her upset at times, because that means her life is not as rosy as she may have thought it would be after she engaged in the A, decided to leave you, etc."

I knew she was on edge, and the smallest thing may set her off. It did just that around 9:00 PM, when she declared that she's going to go downstairs to watch a little TV and drink coffee -- totally dismissing the fact that she needed to get our 3yo daughter to sleep. I had to work early in the morning and told her about an hour ago that I'm turning in. My son was already asleep. She may have realized this as I reminded her that our daughter needs to be put to bed. As soon as I said that, she snapped back at me and said:

"I'm going downstairs to get my coffee. Is that OK with you?!"

Ah yes, good times. frown


Been there, done/seen that^^. But You handled it well.


W is taking the kids to her company's halloween costume day (where employees bring their kids to work, etc).

I'm happy that she is at least making an effort to spend time with the kids.



If only you had left OUT that last parting shot....it's so see through.



M: 57 H: 60
M: 35 yrs
S30,D28,D19
H off to Alaska 2006
Recon 7/07- 8/08
*2016*
X = "ALASKA 2.0"
GROUND HOG DAY
I File D 10/16
OW
DIV 2/26/2018
X marries OW 5/2016

= CLOSURE 4 ME
Embrace the Change
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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Posts: 370
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

If you don't care about it, then stop talking about it and stop thinking about it.

I'd be a lot more convinced of your honesty about it, if you stopped focusing on it.


Maybe that's my next step. Let me make it clear -- I still care about the fact that she's spending time with the OM (and particularly if it's in lieu of spending time with the kids).

I just don't care about where she's going and what she's doing.

Good to see you back in my thread. smile


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 370
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mindsin Offline OP
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Posts: 370
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc

If only you had left OUT that last parting shot....it's so see through.


It wasn't meant as a parting shot. There was no sarcasm or snark in that statement. I truly and genuinely was happy to see that she was making an effort.


M: 15 years
BD: 6/25/14
EA/PA: starts 5/14/14
11/30/14 - A ends
5/15/15 - D is finalized.
11/28/15 - Start of new LTR with a wonderful woman (and still going strong)!
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