Yes, they can. But be careful you don't let him have too much milk, because there will be no reason to buy the cow.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
H came over today and spent several hours. We had a family meal where we all sat at the table and then had family game night where we played 2 rounds of Pictionary. When he first got here, he asked if I still wanted to talk. I had told him the day I went psycho that I wanted to talk. But today I chose to follow the rule of not discussing the R so I told him that I no longer felt the need to talk. When he left, he kissed me on top of the head (I was sitting down) and I didn't follow him out to his car like I have done previously. This was very helpful because I didn't break down like I always have in the past when he left. It was a pleasant time spent as a family. I will continue with not initiating contact. He is not one to make phone calls but will occasionally send a text saying, "Have a good day" so I will respond then.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
These are good signs. Maintain radio silence where needed.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Yes, they can. But be careful you don't let him have too much milk, because there will be no reason to buy the cow.
No offense, b/c that's often decent advice. But here, it's about the last problem she has at this point. In fact any intimacy they can foster would help since the lack of intimacy was a HUGE Piece of why he's gone.
Very few men leave a marriage where there sexual and physical needs are met. That's because most men tie up their emotional feelings in their physical relations, so a lack of physicality in the marriage will eventually erode any feelings of love and desire in them.
And unless a man is okay in a celibate marriage, he'll get his needs met somewhere....at home if possible but if that's not possible and enough time has passed, he'll get those needs met elsewhere.
Sexual intimacy is supposed to be provided inside a marriage and only inside it. If the intimacy needs are denied inside the marriage, a lot of spouses feel justified in getting those needs met elsewhere.
The result can lead to having a mistress (which works for some) or getting a divorce either b/c the spouse not providing intimacy still wants monogamy, or b/c the spouse getting their needs met outside the marriage, develop feelings for the person who meets those needs.
I am not defending these options or attacking them; i'm merely observing them to be true often.
Make sense?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
H came over today and spent several hours. We had a family meal where we all sat at the table and then had family game night where we played 2 rounds of Pictionary. When he first got here, he asked if I still wanted to talk. I had told him the day I went psycho that I wanted to talk. But today I chose to follow the rule of not discussing the R so I told him that I no longer felt the need to talk. When he left, he kissed me on top of the head (I was sitting down) and I didn't follow him out to his car like I have done previously. This was very helpful because I didn't break down like I always have in the past when he left. It was a pleasant time spent as a family. Maybe goal #1 can be "having pleasant family time together without expectation or pressure"...
and then maybe goal #2 could be "build on #1" with a 3rd goal of "discussing work or an issue other than the chldren or marriage, with me showing loyalty to him and interest in his life".
In other words, him talking to you and you doing what my DB coach said to do, which is hard...but she said "Listen Like a Lover" would...meaning, "applaud loudly for the 1% positives" he does, and
NO ADDED PRESSURES at this time...
I will continue with not initiating contact. He is not one to make phone calls but will occasionally send a text saying, "Have a good day" so I will respond then.
Sounds like a plan.
In time, you can also SHOW that you are a sensual woman by wearing perfume or dressing a bit more provocatively (but always on your way OUT somewhere, not having around to get a reaction from him. If he comments in a positive way, you can flirt or wink---maybe not yet--but someday yes--and have a bit of mystery)
and look your best, with a new twist now and then. A new hair style or color and getting in shape and showing that you 1) are going to be content again, with or without him bc you have had an awakening, and 2) you probably WILL BE INTIMATE AGAIN...with someone....and we want to let him want to be that partner, down the road.
YES This will take time and effort on your part. But isn't it better than a life of involuntary celibacy?
If not, then ask your doctor to give you a physical to assess why your sex drive has dropped so much. When I became peri-menopausal my libido dropped, and I had to take some steps to regain it. But geez, that's so worth it!!
Food for thought, perhaps?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks 25! I've missed your advice!!! I went back and read a lot of your posts on other threads because I really value your input. H texted me"Have a good day" this morning and then sent me an email containing information sent from D's school. At end of email he put "Anything going on this weekend?" I get the feeling that he is asking about the weekend so he can plan for time with OW. I know this is mind reading but my D's 18th bday is on Monday so I think he is seeing if we are celebrating this weekend or waiting until Monday. No celebration this weekend = time available for him to spend with OW. I haven't responded yet because I'm irritated.
I am ready to re-discover my sexuality. Hopefully, I'm not too late.
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Thanks 25! I've missed your advice!!! I went back and read a lot of your posts on other threads because I really value your input. H texted me"Have a good day" this morning and then sent me an email containing information sent from D's school. At end of email he put "Anything going on this weekend?" I get the feeling that he is asking about the weekend so he can plan for time with OW. I know this is mind reading but my D's 18th bday is on Monday so I think he is seeing if we are celebrating this weekend or waiting until Monday. No celebration this weekend = time available for him to spend with OW. I haven't responded yet because I'm irritated.
I am ready to re-discover my sexuality. Hopefully, I'm not too late.
I don't believe it's too late for him to rediscover you IF YOU rediscover that side of you.
Let's not turn a potential positive into a negative. HE initiated contact (make sure it's welcomed!) and he asked a caring question about your d's birthday.
I'd think about having something this weekend (unless it would be contrived) that is meaningful and fun and warm and "family-ish". Or have it on Monday. Give him a GOOD MEMORY (& give that to your d as well).= something to miss.
Not a set up for blame or rancor. Just a good time with "loved ones". And when he sees the woman he once harbored deep sexual feelings for and who bore his chldren, when he sees you GAL and looking good and behaving warmly and affectionately (you can show your kids a lot more affection and hug warmly when you can, it's NOT pursuit if it's not prolonged and "clingy" feeling) but cultivate your sensual sides and let them show more.
Thoughts/ideas?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I emailed H that he is welcome to come by any time this weekend and also for the spaghetti dinner (family tradition) on Monday for D17's bday. He replied that he wants to come over tomorrow and also Monday for spaghetti. I'm torn between staying so that I can see him and not being there so that he doesn't get to "cake eat". Of course I will stay around for D17's birthday dinner on Monday night but am wondering what to do about tomorrow. He will probably come around 1 and stay until 9. Maybe I should go to a movie or something for part of the time he's here. He doesn't need to know where I'm going. I think if he gets to see his family once per week, his emotional needs will be met. Personally, I would need/want to spend as much time with my children as I could but then again, I'm not a WAS. I wonder if it would even matter to him if I weren't there. Maybe all he needs is time with D's and this would be enough to meet his emotional needs. Any advice?
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
I do not understand!!!!!! I have lived with H for 33 years until he moved out in June 2014. He tries to come over on Sundays for a few hours but some weeks doesn't even do that. D23, D18 and I might get a text 1 day during the week saying, "Have a good day". As the song says, "Wild horses couldn't drag me away". There is nothing that would keep me from seeing or at least talking on the phone to my children EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. How can someone live with another person for 33 years, move out, and then basically have no contact with them???? Even when I'm not actively thinking about him or our switch, I can still FEEL the thought of him. Does that even make sense? It's like his spirit is constantly with me. How is he not feeling the same thing that I am???
Me: 54 H: 58 Married: 29 years Together 33 years H admitted to A: 5/29/14 H moved out :6/15/14 OW lives 4 hours away and "occasionally" stays weekends with H D23 D18
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
