An Argument ISN'T Just A Contradiction

[LoisB]

The Argument Sketch

The Cast (in order of appearance.)
M= Man looking for an argument
R= Receptionist
Q= Abuser
A= Arguer (John Cleese)
C= Complainer (Eric Idle)
H= Head Hitter


M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.
R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?
M: No, I haven't, this is my first time.
R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?
M: Well, what is the cost?
R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.
M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.
R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.
Pause
R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.
Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.
M: Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
M: Well, I was told outside that...
Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!
M: What?
Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!
M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!
Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.
M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it.
Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.
M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.
Q: Not at all.
M: Thank You.
(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)
M: (Knock)
A: Come in.
M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?
A: I told you once.
M: No you haven't.
A: Yes I have.
M: When?
A: Just now.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't
A: I did!
M: You didn't!
A: I'm telling you I did!
M: You did not!!
A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?
M: Oh, just the five minutes.
A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.
M: You most certainly did not.
A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.
M: No you did not.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: No you didn't.
A: Yes I did.
M: You didn't.
A: Did.
M: Oh look, this isn't an argument.
A: Yes it is.
M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction.
A: No it isn't.
M: It is!
A: It is not.
M: Look, you just contradicted me.
A: I did not.
M: Oh you did!!
A: No, no, no.
M: You did just then.
A: Nonsense!
M: Oh, this is futile!
A: No it isn't.
M: I came here for a good argument.
A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.
M: An argument isn't just contradiction.
A: It can be.
M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.
A: No it isn't.
M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.
A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.
M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'
A: Yes it is!
M: No it isn't!

A: Yes it is!
M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.
(short pause)
A: No it isn't.
M: It is.
A: Not at all.
M: Now look.
A: (Rings bell) Good Morning.
M: What?
A: That's it. Good morning.
M: I was just getting interested.
A: Sorry, the five minutes is up.
M: That was never five minutes!
A: I'm afraid it was.
M: It wasn't.
Pause
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.
M: What?!
A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.
M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!
A: (Hums)
M: Look, this is ridiculous.
A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!
M: Oh, all right.
(pays money)
A: Thank you.
short pause
M: Well?
A: Well what?
M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now.
A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.
M: I just paid!
A: No you didn't.
M: I DID!
A: No you didn't.
M: Look, I don't want to argue about that.
A: Well, you didn't pay.
M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!
A: No you haven't.
M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.
A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.
M: Oh I've had enough of this.
A: No you haven't.
M: Oh Shut up.

[LoisB]

Had to REVISE the GOALS!! I've achieved a sub-goal :-) She points out...grinning her A$$ off!!!!

Goals:

1. Put God's Will First. Trust God. Focus on each day as it comes and Take Joy! from each day.
2. Take care of my health (mental and physical).
3. Give my kids the things and time they deserve.
4. Face Each Day's Tasks HONESTLY and Pro-actively. Keep up my ToDo list of things to tackle today and in the near future.
5. Enjoy the contentment with my life that comes from working on the first four goals: travel, fun, friends, family...TAKE JOY!

Specific Sub-Goals:
Create a spending plan which allows for comfortable lifestyle and leads to becoming debt-free.
Earn at least $60,000 per year by December, 2015...or sooner.

Old Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2497030&page=1

[LoisB]

I can't believe how exhausted I am.

I think getting the "bonus" talk from my editor meant, for me, permission to relax a bit. I have been a bundle of nerves and anxiety. It's like I've been holding my breath since I got here.

Now, I feel like, ok...Heather, BREATHE!! IT'S GOING TO BE OK!!

Little Heather is still a bit all over the place with What if this? and What if that???

We are going to take it easy today and breathe and relax.

Leaning into God today.

[job]

Stress and anxiety can do you in no matter how strong you are. You will need to find some outlets to relieve the stress and find your center to help calm down the anxiety.

Your editor most likely sensed what was going on w/you and he is very much aware of how it is when the new kid on the block is trying to prove himself worthy of the position. Heather, I think you can finally breath and know that you are being recognized for your good work. You've been there almost a month and your stress level has been on high alert. Time to drop it down a bit because things are going well and your editor is pleased w/your work.

So, what's on the Halloween agenda? Are you and the kids going to any functions in town for Halloween? I'm sure there are some activities that would be good for all of you to participate in this weekend.

Everything is going to work out.

[Matt165]

Hey Heather!
Wow, just think how very lucky you are to have a job where you can set your own schedule! Where you are seen as an asset and your opinions are valued! You are really doing great and I'm with Job...time to breathe!

[LoisB]

Received a package in the mail from Smokey. My first thought, "What's he up to? Why is he being nice? Something wicked this way comes."

It was the insurance card, dental info, vision info...all the stuff he mentioned he needed my address for in those texts...

No mention of the cat.

The dead cat.

At the end..."I hope our job is going well. Take care...Smokey"

I was already feeling a bit anxious because I hadn't heard from him. He's planning evil. PURE E.V.I.L.

Just joking. The package of nice stuff just threw me a bit.

[kml]

Lolol - he's kinda mystified that you're out there living this new life, his Plan B evaporated on him and he's getting exactly what he thought he wanted. You're no longer fitting into the box he had put you in and if you're not that person anymore, what does that mean about HIM?

I get those kinds of emails occasionally - I'm pretty sure my ex would love to hear more about my current life but I don't indulge him. He lost the right to hear about me and my FABULOUS new life.

[LoisB]

Cool. He's mystified. I hope that's the case.

I AM pretty mystifying.

Makes me so nervous when he is actually helpful. Very outta character. Of course, it's all information I coulda used a few months ago and already had...not sure why my moving meant he needed to mail this stuff now? Maybe he's put it aside for months...with the intention of visiting D12 and just never built up the balls to do it.

Whatev.

Turned in the school lunches for next week. I have a feature to write tomorrow and I've been called to the main office for some dumb meeting. Bummer. It's going to be a busy one.

D12 wants to watch Hocus Pocus and eat popcorn for Halloween. D20 wants to drive to Lake Placid again, without the lab, and drink coffee and eat chocolate. I think we may do both!

[Ggrass]

Mine is always trying to be "nice" pa nice rolls eyes. If you don't agree to his way, then your the problem.

[beatrice]

I think they are always trying to reel us back in. In some part of their mind we are still 'there' parked, like a piece of gum!

When we act independently and (gasp) get a life it throws them. If they are wrong abut anything there is always the risk they have been wrong about everything, and most of the people in MLC have to be right about everything.

I wonder if he is expecting brownie points for this?

You are doing amazingly, having crawled out from under the wreckage (takes awhile)

[job]

I'm glad he finally sent the package of material that he promised you. When you have a moment, send him a text that lets him know you received the package and end it w/thanks. You are not obligated to tell him how things are going w/you or your job. If you don't follow thru and let him know about the package, I'm sure he'll be texting you about it, so cut him off at the pass and then you won't have to be anxious if he contacts you again.

I still think he's fishing and he's very surprised that you up and relocated and have a good job. As I've pointed out before, they expect us to be right where they left us when they were beamed up on the Mother Ship.

Happy Halloween!

[LoisB]

Thanks Job,

He texted this morning.

Smokey: So-and-so is going to list the house. He's sending you the paperwork. Please sign and return to him. We'll get it on the market ASAP. Could really use the drawers to the vanity.

I responded: That's great. Our daughters were tired from packing and threw the drawers in the moving van. I will mail them.

No response. I figured I'd give him an explanation about the drawers--not that he deserves it. Seemed appropriate. I figured he'd respond and I'd say thanks about the paperwork being mailed.

I'm leaving it be for now. I need to focus on work.

Got into an argument with D20 this morning. She was complaining about her dishwashing job and wanting to go back to school and so forth. I put the responsibility, squarely, in her lap. She asked my opinion and I told her, "I think you have some issues to sort out before you head back to school. Until you do, I think school will continue to be a problem. Once you face those issues, things will fall into place."

She got all defensive..."But, I'm not drinking!"

Me: "You asked me my opinion and I gave it. Seems like you get bogged down by the details of things and don't take action. I've been there and done that. I think you have some things to deal with."

It ended with me saying..."You're dad tried to NOT use for a long time. That didn't go so well for him. He was still an A-hole to live with. There was more to it than just removing the drugs."

I tried to make it clear that I believe she needs counseling or meetings or something, besides me, as her support. She is scared and I tried to let her know that I understood the fear, but there's nothing here she can't handle.

She wants me to DO it for HER. Much like Smokey. Just do it for me. Not taking that bullet anymore.

Anyway...She blew. I didn't, but felt a little sick after. And, that's when I saw the text from Smokey.

[job]

Heather,
Your daughter needs to address her issues and deal w/them. I think you did the right thing by responding honestly to her. She needs to be seeing someone and yes, AA is where she needs to be going right now. There are plenty of AA meetings around and there's no reason that she can't locate a meeting near her home.

She's 20 years old and needs to learn to how to deal w/responsibility and stop leaning on mom to fix everything for her and I think you are beginning to realize you can't fix her...she's got to fix herself. Going back to school would be too much of a hurdle for her right now and just think of the money that would be wasted on another year of incompletes, etc. Has she begun to repay the $2500 she owes from last year? This might be a good place for her to start accepting responsibility, i.e., by paying her debts and not expecting her mom to do it for her. After all, you've got enough on your plate.

I know you don't want to hear this, but get those drawers in the mail or have UPS or FEDEX pick them up in the next week or so. Why? Because if you don't, he's going to continue to text you about them and I'm sure you want to have some peace and quiet and not be getting texts from him about them or give him an excuse to contact you about other things. If it would help, have your daughter pack them up for you when she's free during the day or evening.

Hang in there. I think you're doing great!

[LoisB]

My attorney called me. I have a bad feeling that Smokey has done something else. He always gets quiet when he is busy plotting someway to hurt me.

Either that or my atty wants to talk about the fees I owe him.

In either case, it stinks.

I feel a bit low right now.

Started the day with the argument, text from Smokey, then a meeting with the publisher...went pretty well...but, there's a lot of pressure on me to make this paper go.

I will handle the drawers this weekend.

I feel a bit weepy about the sale of the house too. I know it's the best thing and Smokey could make it really difficult. IDK. Yuck.

I have stories due by 4 p.m.

[LoisB]

Gawd, am I still waiting for him to say??..."I'm so stupid. I'm so sorry."

Every time an opportunity passes where I sorta expect it, or I feel down and...

I have a terrible fear today that he is going to ask for custody of D12. I know it's probably silly and unrealistic, but maybe all the stress has finally gotten to me.

[job]

Focus on getting your stories in and putting the paper to bed. Your attorney may have been calling about the fees as well as the fact that he's most likely been notified by your h's lawyer. Then again, it could be the paperwork for the house, so it may not be all bad. But....generally when the mlcer is nice or quiet, they either have done something that you wouldn't approve or you'll get slammed by the unexpected...but I would hold off on those negative thoughts until you've spoken to your attorney.

I'm sorry you are bit down and weepy about the house...but it's just a house and you are in a better living situation now than before. I do realize that there were many good memories made there, but the last year or so, the house expenses were starting to bring you down, not only emotionally and physically, but also financially. So, it's better to sell it and begin to create new memories in the home you are in now and remember that the next chapter of your life began the day you drove away from the old home.

Hang in there. What you are feeling is very normal.

[kml]

Quit borrowing trouble. Smokey sounds fired up to sell the house so why assume he's going to make trouble about it?

As for the drawers, sounds like a good errand for d20 to take care of for you.

And yes, she needs to get to aa and get a sponsor who will make her work the steps.

[ericmsant2]

Heather

He was still an A-hole to live with.

Although your D is 20 and may feel the same way. I would try and not say these things to her about her dad. Remember…right, wrong or indifferent she is half him. Otherwise, I think your approach is spot on.

Boundaries are tough….. especially when you are not used to using them. I am so proud of you. You are starting to really realize that it is not YOUR job to fix everybody else crap. Kudos to you.

I have a bad feeling that Smokey has done something else.

As hard as it is….try and teach yourself to STOP always ASSUMING the worse. This type of thinking will do nothing but just keep you in a negative frame of mind. Think positive…think positive.

I think MWD mentioned this in one of her books. Find something that brings you happy thought….and everytime you start to have negative thoughts…bring up the positive thoughts.

[LoisB]

This day has just stunk.

Just got into another argument with D20 and we came to blows. She hit me while I was driving, then called me a Pu$$Y, then kicked the glovebox as hard as she could...at which point I reacted.

I'm calming down in my room right now.

[kml]

Dang Heather - you just can't catch a break can you? So much to handle - D with Asperger's, D20 with substance abuse and mood issues (btw, do you think she's actively drinking now? Could account for her inappropriate behavior). I admire you for getting out there and making things happen despite all of this.

As for D20 - once things calm down, perhaps you can sit her down, go over the monthly bills and finances (so she knows what you're up against right now), set some boundaries about what behavior will be tolerated in your home (and calling your mother a pu$$y isn't one of them), and map out strategies to get her where she wants to go.

You can sympathize with the fact that this whole divorce mess has interfered with her schooling (but so has her behavior). You can help her map out a savings goal for school and maybe make a chart or a vision board with her for that. You can listen quietly to her concerns.

You can also help her find some AA meetings and emphasize that she must start attending.

If she doesn't like any of this, she is free to go live with her dad or your mom or whoever.

[job]

I'd like to add one more thing to what KML has posted. She needs to consider going to an anger management class. Does she not realize that you could have her arrested for hitting you? She needs to get some serious help with this behavior, the sooner the better. This type of behavior is unacceptable.

Maybe it's time for her to go live w/her father or your mother. Maybe then she'll come to realize that you are doing the best you can and have tried to be the one and all for her.

Time for her to grow up and now is the time for her to face the consequences of her actions. Calling you names is disrespectful, hitting you is totally out of line. She needs professional help.

[LoisB]

I'm just feeling a bit overwhelmed. Cripes.

I keep hearing Graham Chapman from Monty Python in the Confuse-a-Cat skit say, "Are you at your WIT'S END?"

So...this morning, following the argument with D20 and the text from Smokey...the publisher informed me that the former owner of the newspaper was in far deeper debt than anyone knew...to the tune of $145,000 owed to the IRS. So, the paper they purchased, for me to edit...they are NOT purchasing. Instead, they are ripping up the deal and just going rogue with their own newspaper. I will be the editor of the same newspaper, but it will have a different name. The want to sever all ties to the former owner in case any of these liens come due for the corporation.

The publisher was all full of assurances that things are still going as planned and yadda, yadda...but, there had been a lot of talking behind my back while I was working on the paper. They didn't want to ruffle my feathers or upset me while there was this transition from one editor to another. I can see how they were nervous I would freak out after moving my whole life from Ohio to NY.

Still, I'm not cool with the conversations that went on about my newspaper behind my back.

Once I'm a bit more entrenched in this system and feel I'm delivering a quality product...this will be addressed.

I did, however, feel reassured that the company has a solid plan for this paper. I'm a little concerned with all the acquisitions being made. Lots of weeklies being bought up.

I need to keep my eyes on the prize...for me, I see the Farm & Dairy as the lucrative piece of this puzzle and I made sure the publisher understood my desire to remain editor of that publication when it's time to publish.

Ok. So, there's the work piece.

And, I guess it felt like more pressure on an already pressure-filled transition.

A lil' burned out.

[LoisB]

As far as D20 is concerned:

She hates, hates, hates being a dishwasher.

Whatever.

She keeps dwelling on how this isn't getting her along in her studies and yadda, yadda, yadda...

Now, as far as I'm concerned. This place has been ideal for right now. The hours are great. They didn't require any criminal background check. They adore her and the owners are a really fun group of men. Three gays who love the same stuff that D20 loves and joke around with her and it's a nice place.

Still, she has complained and whined about the work since she started.

I've also noticed her PMA falling. She has been dwelling more on the negatives and been a bit harsh with D12. Not major, but she has shown some of her old D20 colors and that's upset me.

I also haven't seen her take action when it comes to addressing the issues at hand...paying off the $2500, getting the exhaust on the Jeep figured out...

She has yet to contribute to our monthly income. But, this morning, she stunned me when she asked if I was paying for her birth control for her acne. I said, "NO."

She asked, "How come?"

Seriously?

And, she has been texting her sisters from her sorority non-stop...as if she is still there and a part of things. She wants to visit next week.

I guess I'm a little pi$$ed off. I have no, none, zippo intention of sidetracking my life for yet another untreated alcoholic.

[LoisB]

Then, there's D12.

We've been here a month. Next week...I don't have to work on Wednesday. That's great. Still, leaving on her own devices on Monday and Tuesday really stinks.

I need her involved in something. I feel horrible guilt at all the attention I've been giving my job.

[LoisB]

I'd really like a soft place to land right now.

Maybe that's where the disappointment comes from Smokey. I'd love to have a soft place to land for ME.

He ain't soft and he ain't the place to land. I know. He's dark and spooky...like a haunted house. Just a fantasy.

I'm going to relax a bit tonight.

I will clear my head and talk to D20 tomorrow. I will also search Al-Anon meetings.

[LoisB]

Tonight, it all feels like too much.

[LoisB]

Oh, and my mother called today. JOY!

[LoisB]

I feel very alone in this spooky world tonight.

[job]

You've got a lot on your plate...but you are strong and you know what you need to do.

So, that explains some of what is going on in your D20's head, i.e., the texting w/the group at college. I'm going to ask you a question and I want you to think about it for a while. Do you think your daughter sees this college as a place to run away to? Do you think she wants to go to school there now because of the fun and social activities w/the other students or do you think she honestly wants to get her degree at this time? If she seriously wants to learn, she can prove that to you, but most importantly to herself by working a job, paying off the $2500 loan and seriously considering taking one or two night courses until the fall semester and then she can look at where she's at in meeting her financial responsibilities and goals.

I had to laugh, but I was extremely proud of you, when she asked about her birth control pills for her acne. Doesn't she realize that she's an adult now and working a job. A job, no matter how important, is better than nothing. If she hates the dishwasher position, she can always look for something else while she continues to wash dishes.

I'm very concerned about her behavior. She has shown that she can be verbally and physically abusive and that's not good. Heather, I'm very worried about you and your youngest daughter being around her when she's acting out. Does she only act out like this when she doesn't get her way? Was she bulled as a child? There is something going on w/her that needs to be addressed by a professional. Unfortunately, you are too close to the issue and you can't help her. You can't fix something that you didn't break.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. If she needs acne medicine, she is earning some money and can purchase the medication herself. If she can go back to the college for a few days and spend money, she can also figure out how to pay for the necessities she needs to live. How is she planning to get there if the jeep needs work? Surely you aren't going to loan her the rental car?

Heather you've worked hard, you've earned the respect the you should have gotten many years ago and your daughter needs to learn to respect you. Stand your ground w/her. If she doesn't like it, she can leave. But, I can assure you, if she does leave, she'll be back because she can't make it on her own w/o you taking care of her.

Good luck!

[LoisB]

I hear you Job. Thanks for the support.

Looked up Al-Anon and A.A. meetings.

Taking D12 to Walmart for popcorn and fun stuff for tonight. :-)

Thanks Ellie :-)

[LoisB]

D20 apologized.

She said there is a meeting tomorrow at 10 a.m.

We are having a nice evening of pizza, popcorn, trick-or-treaters and Halloween movies.

I will set some firmer boundaries tomorrow. I'm hoping she follows through on the meeting. I told her that I looked up meetings too. My going might influence her behavior.

For tonight, I'm detoxing from this week.

[job]

I'm glad she apologized, but she needs to learn to control her temper. This behavior could be an early sign of something that could escalate in her future relationships w/others. I hope that she will follow thru and attend the meetings. She definitely needs to understand why she does the things she does.

Don't eat too much in the way of candy tonight. Enjoy the movies. You've had one heck of a week. Tomorrow is the beginning of a new month and I hope it's smoother than the last one for you.

[kml]

Yeah, relax and enjoy the night.
Perhaps in the future you can involve d20 in the process of paying the monthly bills and setting up the budget, and you can help her learn how to budget her money too. An envelope system would be good for her.

As for her job, maybe she needs to list the pros and cons. Has she told you exactly why she doesn't like the job? Is it just that it's physical and dirty, or is something else going on? (I know my OCD son could never do it, he'd be too freaked out about the germs).

[LoisB]

We had a nice evening. D12 carved a pumpkin, we ate popcorn, candy and pizza. Then, we all snuggled and watched a Halloween movie.

Today is "Heather Day" in Upstate NY.

I'm taking some much-needed ME time today.

I don't want to get into the habit of putting the needs of everything else and everyone else first. I did what I had to for this first month of work. I feel my job is secure today. I have some areas I need to tweak. But, with bullets flying all over the place, I need to keep my focus on God and my self-care. I'm taking some deep breaths and remembering that only I know what is best for ME. I'm trusting that today.

[LoisB]

D20 went to a meeting. She came home and cooked a great dinner.

I've spent the entire day watching Agatha Christie.

I think the impact of everything that has occurred over the past month settled into my bones today. I felt pretty down. I just went with it.

Today was a day of rest. Tomorrow is a day of action with some more rest built in.

Not sure about heading to Lake Placid tomorrow. I think I'd rather use the day to get ahead for the week.

[LoisB]

I identified one reason for being down...it just seems too much for one person to handle. There's not enough of me or enough money to go around to everything needing done.

I'm going to focus on the blessings.

New car, three bedrooms, two and a half baths, cool job, my Heath, the girls are healthy...

[Shining]

Wow, Heather. Just getting caught up. I'm sorry to read you've had some D20 drama lately. You handled it very well.

I agree with job. There are some serious behavior probs and anger issues that can't go unaddressed.

These transition periods really stink. The stress is too much. I'm glad you're able to see the positives. There really are so many things to be grateful for. We can so easily get caught up in what we think we need, when it's actually very little.

And I'm totally jelly about the Heath.....


(((((((Hugs)))))))

[LoisB]

Thank you Shining.

Yup, hit a few snags here in the ol' transition.

D20 has been a big one.

This morning, she asked if she could take the car to Watertown and pick up crafting supplies-to make stuff for her sorority sisters. Well, that's a 30-minute-drive.

So, I did a little math and told her, "I need you to pick up your B. Control and give me $50 for the month of October."

--she just received her first paycheck. It only covered four days of work. This leaves her $30 in her account. I feel this is reasonable.

Miss Thang didn't like that too much. She didn't make a scene or anything. But, she, first, refused to go pick up bacon and cook us a nice brunch for a meal.

She is sitting on the border of pi$$yville and Jerk City.

But, she is heading to Walmart to pick up the ingredients for brunch.

My Gawd, she is so much like her father. Entitled, angry when she doesn't get her way, resentful when forced to deal with unpleasant realities...blaming...

I'm letting it out here as opposed to venting inappropriately.

[LoisB]

I'm not sure what to charge D20 monthly...

I had a figure before we moved. But, now that we are here, she has shown to be a great help when it comes to grocery shopping, meal planning and cooking. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done without her this past month.

I need that to continue. I'm willing to adjust her monthly rent to accommodate this help.

Not having to worry about cooking/planning healthy meals for D12 has taken a huge load off my shoulders.

I'm open to suggestions.

By-the-by, I feel better today. I finished my column this morning. Working on tweaking another story. I may just be in the best position yet for this week's paper. I didn't make it to church, but was more concerned about maintaining the writing momentum I had going this week.

Also, I never mentioned that I sent an email to my atty. As opposed to paying for another phone call. I replied to his voicemail by letting him know that I can't come up with a repayment schedule for him, for the remaining $1,500 I owe him until he can give me some idea of when temp support will kick in.

One of the reasons, I made the last minute effort to pay him and file for divorce was because he assured me that filing before I left was my only choice when it came to asking for temp child support AND temp alimony.

I think yesterday's doing NOTHING really helped me.

Had some dreams about Smokey. Two nights in a row. Painful dreams about his abandonment of me, me still waiting for him to return...still holding out hope and feeling sad because he doesn't. I did have a bright spot in last night's dream where my drug-addicted bil made peace with me and invited me to his wedding. (As far as I know, he isn't engaged)...but, it was nice to have this person, who was an enemy to my family for so long-because of his own terrible drug addiction--reach out--even in a dream to make peace. That was nice.

[LoisB]

D20 is grossing $220 per week.

Also, my paycheck is $769 per week...with taxes, SS and whatever...my check is $600 net. Did I screw up on the taxes and ask for the government to take too much out? Should I adjust this?

Smokey always handled the W2 crud.

[job]

Heather,
I see you are on the move this morning and have set some priorities for your oldest for today. I'm sure she wasn't happy about it. She still sees herself as part of the sorority and she's not. She's not attending school there and most likely won't for another semester or so. She so much wants to be part of the college scene because she doesn't have to focus on her issues and yes, the fun and parties are there as well. I know it's difficult for her to accept that things didn't turn out the way she had thought they would last year, but maybe there's a good reason for what happened. Maybe the man upstairs wants her to take a different path for the moment, i.e., maybe he wants her to learn to be humble and grateful for what she does have and not put expectations and demands on others for what she wants and when she wants them. There is no shame in working a job doing dishes. We all have had to take on jobs that we didn't like, and in most cases hated, but we all had to start somewhere and it's usually at the bottom of the totem pole. If she proves herself a loyal and dedicated employee, showing initiative, she might be promoted to something better.

If your daughter will continue to cook and do things around the home, I think $100-$150 is reasonable for rent. She wouldn't get off that cheaply elsewhere.

I do hope that things will settle down and life will be better for all of you. You and your girls have been given a gold opportunity to grow, be more independent and happy. You are now living in a nice place w/each of them having their own bedrooms, a vehicle that is reliable and you have a stable income coming in. So much has happened in one month and yet, all of you are healthy and living comfortably. So much to be thankful for.

If you feel the need to write, then write, but make sure you carve out some time for yourself and your girls. The words relaxation, peace and fun should now be a part of your vocabulary.

From where I'm sitting, life is good for you and your family. It's not often that I see a turnaround of this nature in 30 days. Even if you didn't attend church today, thank the man upstairs for being there when you needed him. For he will always support you no matter what.

Enjoy your day!

[LoisB]

Thank you Job.

I had an OK day.

The girls did the grocery shopping. D20 cooked another great dinner.

I relaxed some more. Got a little more done for the paper. Did some laundry.

I've felt weepy all day.

Honestly, I think it's been some post-traumatic stress.

Things have calmed down a bit in the past 48 hours, and, in the quiet, I'm feeling all kinds of stress that I was forced to push aside all month.

Still feeling really sad about Smokey. Not sure where it's coming from? I guess all the change in such a short time...It's just scary and I feel pretty alone in this new life. I know the girls are counting on me to make it work.

And, with all the surprises and stress recently, it's felt a bit like BD. Maybe some memories of that time of shattering when everything went all topsy-turvy? I do feel a bit of a nervous twitch thinking about the next bomb that will drop.

I'm cool with some nice and easy living for the next 20 to 30 years or so.

Whatever is going on inside of me...I'm recognizing that it's not a bad thing and I'm trying to take good care of ME. I'm going with it and trying to avoid fighting it.

[LoisB]

Oh, and I think this is worth mentioning.

When D20 and I had our argument the other day, she didn't call my mother. I thought that was interesting.

In the past, she would call my mother and mom would fuel the fire.

This time, she called a sorority sister and told her what happened. When D20 said that I reacted and had hit her, the sorority sister said, "What had you done before?"

D20 said, "I had kicked her new car and pushed her and called her a pu$$y."

Sorority sister responded, "Well, that was stupid. Don't kick someone's brand new car."

I feel like there's a different dynamic here, between D20 and I, than we had in Ohio. Something is different. I'm remembering the strong mom I was when she was five...as opposed to the weakened, abused woman I was when she was a teen.

She doesn't scare me anymore. And, I think she knows it.

She is reacting a bit like a bucking wild horse, but she is doing the things I ask...without any interference from my mother or the shadow of my old self.

She went to the meeting.
She admitted to being a dry drunk.
She did the grocery shopping.
She picked up her own prescription.

This is a new beginning for us. I just need to keep my cool and continue to reinforce my boundaries. I'd forgotten the mother I used to be with her. I was so strong and structured when she was little. She has needed that mom.

[LoisB]

One thing that's really bugging me is D12. I knew this would be a process in terms of getting settled and getting into a good routine.

I feel so unavailable to her right now. I know that's not the truth, but, that's how it feels.

Tomorrow and Tuesday, for instance, are the two days when I have to be in Watertown for the newspaper's production. I hate that D12 is stuck at home.

I know that Weds. I will be home and in the next week or so, I can start some arrangements for her to meet up with another homeschooling family. They are on vacation this week.

It's just a lot. I really need to trust God and trust this process. Things will fall into place.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

If you feel that way then there is some truth to it.

Let her know how you feel and that it is only temporary.

[LoisB]

Man I need to vent.

Ok, so today was shi!!ty, but not, but it was?? IDK?

I'm still all weepy. Not sure why?

This morning, I opened up my Abandonment book and re-read the first few pages. It reminded me to stay in the moment. So, that's what I focused on this morning. Cried a little on my way to work. Just need to let a little out.

So, I pull it together...get to work. I'm in the best shape I've been as far as production of the newspaper is concerned. I'm working on my layouts...putting pieces into place...

Still feeling sad. I've been like back to ol' Heather...waiting for a text message. All weekend, that's what I've been like...waiting for a text message from Smokey. WTF?

Well, I got one.

Around 10 a.m. I get this evil text message.

Smokey: I take it your not going to pay the car insurance for your new car as it hasn't been paid yet . so I'm preparing to drop it off the policy leaving you uninsured . It was due in Oct and still has not been paid .

(I transcribed the text, grammatical errors and all--he's always all over the place with periods and so forth)...

Well, I'm about to burst into tears because I'm all emotional for some reason. I react.

Me: Yes, because why would you want to help me drive D12 around in a safe vehicle? That would be out of character for you.

Smokey: Are you gonna pay it ?
When ?

Me: After I pay our $1250 per month rent. Friday. Let me know when you plan to send more than $200 in child support. That would help.

Then, just to show how all over the place I am...I added...

Me: Thanks for the package. I appreciate it.

Cuz, I needed to add some desperation in there for ol' times sake.

Smokey: Ok dropping the car those pr

(not sure what that was supposed to say?)

Smokey: The jeep is still covered.

Me: The jeep isn't running. Don't bother.

Smokey: I don't have any money to send it's all being utilized to clean the house up and get it on the market . have to redo the bathroom. New tub toilet sink paint the interior and apparently the vanity.

Me: Maybe you could drop the Jeep for now?
(Thought I'd make an effort to be nice)

Smokey: Not allowed too. Only thing I can drop is the new one that you put on the day you filed . unles you give the ok too.

Me: I will just pay it. Today.

Me: I'm on deadline, so give me til five.

Smokey: Ok I'll check later on .

Me: I'd expect nothing less.

Smokey: I got it dropped to $110 for your portion.

Me: I appreciate that. Not bein a smart a$$.

No response.

Desperate much? Yup. Ol' Heather was oozing out my pores. At least, that's how it felt. I may not have conveyed it, but I was desperately hoping for some small ray of hope.

And, it hurt and pi$$ed me off all at once about the home improvements. Seriously? He is spending all this money on improvements that have been needed for how many years? And, he waits until now and pays me $200 in child support.

Once I calm down, I think he revealed a bit of himself in this dialogue today.

I paid the insurance.

Sitting with D12 right now while I detox from the day.

[job]

All that I can say is "I'm sorry your day was not a good one".

I'm not surprised to read that he didn't want to pay for the insurance on the new vehicle you are driving. In fact, I'm surprised he's been paying the insurance on the jeep this long. Generally, once people are separated, both parties tend to pay their own insurance on the vehicles that they are driving, or for some...until a filing is made for divorce. You've been lucky he's paid the vehicle insurance up to this point.

Heather, don't allow the home repairs to bug you. He's tossing you a dart of annoyance because he wants to make a point, i.e., the house needed some repairs, etc. If the repairs are made, then the house will sell more quickly and that loan will be gone. Hopefully he will then begin to pay more in child support. I think he's being honest w/you about where his money is going right now. Don't know where he's getting the money to make the home repairs, but if the repairs will help to sell the place, good for him.

Also, he was hinting for you to advise him that you had put the drawers to the vanity in the mail. I'm telling you, he's going to keep bugging you about that. I do hope your daughter packed them up and mailed them out so that he'll stop bugging you about them.

BTW, I didn't think his text message was evil at all. It was simply put that he wanted to know how you wanted to handle the car insurance and he also informed you as to what he's doing w/the house.

Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully things will be better for you. Try to stay positive. You've got a lot going your way and you will have set backs every now and then. Those set backs will make you stronger as you continue to move forward.

[LoisB]

Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse.

It's my Dad's birthday.

D20 called him to wish him Happy B'day.

During the conversation the tuition money and remaining balance on her college fund came up.

I was late picking her up from work because I couldn't leave the office.

She got pi$$ed.

Ok. So, we are driving home and she asks about her college money. Now, we've been all over this, over and again.

I had to use some of the college money for the attorney. It actually made up for some money I had cashed out last year to pay for college for D20. Anyway, my dad wasn't aware of it all because I didn't want to burden him and knew he'd make a big deal out of the money and then bail out D20...

Well, she must've gotten all pi$$ed off and she decided to call him and tell him that she has a remaining balance with school for the $2500. And, she tells him that the money he thinks went to college didn't.

She dumps this all in my lap and, then, gets in my car and drives away.

It's my dad's birthday. Now, he's convinced I'm a horrible, dishonest person. And, D20 is getting $3,000 from her account along with access to the remaining money in her college fund.

I'm not sure I ever want to see her again.

[job]

Again, I'm sorry, but you know your daughter has been an angry young woman this week and she'll do anything she can to get that money to go back to college. I'm sorry, but I don't think you can honestly trust her because she's turned on you a few times and this one takes the cake.

Why is she driving off in your car? What if she doesn't return this evening? How will you get to work?

If and when she returns home, I think it's time to give her two options: 1) stay in NY, continue to work, plan to return to college in the fall and continue AA; or 2) pack her bags and tell her to figure out where she's going to live and hit the road.

Heather, it's time for some tough love w/your daughter. You've given her enough rope now and she's hung herself. She's been a bully, she's verbally and physically abusive and that mean streak she has when she's angry just makes me cringe. She's got some issues and quite frankly, she's old enough to figure things out and live on her own for a while. You and your family need to step back and allow her to grow up.

Tough love...it's time to open the cage door and boot her out if she's going to continue disrespecting you at every turn.

[Wonka]

Hear, hear!!! Job is right on the money about D20.

[LoisB]

Well, I just had a convo with D20. I was, quite possibly, the firmest and angriest I've ever been with her.

"I didn't know Grandpa would react like that."
"I didn't know that money was my money."
"Mom, please don't shut me out like Dad."

I held my ground. My expenses are going to get a bit lighter after tonight. I told her that, since she has this money coming, she can begin paying her cell phone bill after the 10th. I will have it removed from our plan.

She will be responsible for car insurance and the repairs on the Jeep.

She walked straight up to D12's room and closed the door. Rallying her troops. Fine.

Have to say though...I have never felt so alone in this world. And, to know that my dad is hurt on his birthday and it's because I lied. I feel like the world's worst human being tonight.

[LoisB]

And, what I would have given today for Smokey to have said, "I'm sorry I've been such a prick to you. You deserve so much better. I'm sorry you have been handling all this alone."

It feels like that night when D20 got my mom and D12 all riled up over the imaginary date with the Forester.

[LoisB]

Ok. So, she just came out of D12's room to ask me how much her cell phone bill and the car insurance will be.

I had told her that she is responsible for those two bills, the Jeep repairs and she must attend two A.A. meetings per week along with paying me $200 per month if she intends on staying here.

[LoisB]

She is on the phone with someone. Probably my mother. Maybe a sorority sister? I don't like that she is in D12's room.

I don't want D12 stressing about D20 moving away.

I heard D20 say she will need to save up so she can live in the house next semester and take a few classes.

[LoisB]

The pieces to the puzzle are coming together. I guess she was getting calls from a collection agency for the $2,500. Then, she had, against my wishes, signed a lease for next semester and she can't get out of it. She is responsible for the lease.

I think I may just feel a bit lighter. Cutting the cord could take a lot of financial pressure off of me.

I have not a clue how to handle my dad. He texted me almost immediately. I put him off for tonight and told him I would explain tomorrow. Ugh.

[Wonka]

Heather,

Let your D20 figure out the lease and face life like the young adult she is. Yep, there will be bumps along the way. You cannot always shield her from them. Otherwise, how can she learn and mature??

As for your Dad, just be straight up honest with him about your circumstances and how you wish to take on a firmer line with D20 with the goal of getting her to be more responsible for her choices and MISTAKES.

Not sure if your Dad will be on board given his past history of flaking out on you. Time will tell.

[Mighty]

Oh goodness, Heather. You have been dealing with a lot. I gotta say... I wasn't the easiest kid. I was pretty tough. My mother, who grew up with an alcoholic father, then married my dad, who became an alcoholic (now recovered and remarried to my mom after 10 years being divorced), took a serious class in tough love.

She went to meetings, groups, read every book known to man about co-dependency and tough love. And man, by the time I became an angry teen, she handled me with tough love. When I was pregnant at 19, she gave me no choice but to grow up. She wasn't going to do it for me. Tough love.... tough love.... it was the best thing for me.

Just something to think about. I remember I told her I was pregnant and the next day she handed me the classifies to get an apartment. Time to grow up!

Stay strong. Don't give up on her. Let her know she can do it- and she's gonna. She doesn't have a choice.

You are strong and amazing, Heather. Just another day... things are falling into place, but you didn't expect it to be that easy now, did you?! Ha! Just keep movin', girl.

And what's up with those Ft. Drum boys?

[beatrice]

Heather - please do not take this as a 2 x 4 because it is an observation, not a criticism.

I see your life as propping up and taking responsibility for others. Trying to make things work for them and compensating for their deficiencies

And somehow you expected that they would do the same for you. Well people that can't even take responsibility for themselves are not going to take on other people (unless it suits them and their needs).

You said something revealing - that there was no-one 'there' for you. That is one of the lift dropping moments of MLC< especially if we do not have supportive family (or they are no longer with us)

Marriage can so easily slip from mutual support and help to a system of co-dependency where we prop each other up.

I think we know if we have been there.

This doesn't mean you have to become hard, but it does mean that you will need to adjust your expectations.

You have spent a long time in the university of hard knocks, and continue to try and shield others, probably because you didn't get that shielding yourself. Tough love, but actually being there for your daughter emotionally will stop the cycle.

You are not bailing on her, but trying to help her to grow up.

MLC is a kind of finishing school in emotional self sufficiency!

Hugs to you.

[LoisB]

Thank you Bea. That was quite a gift you gave me in your post.

I read some more of my abandonment workbook this morning. I didn't sleep well--no surprise there! But, I feel like I have some clarity.

Today is deadline. I think one of the things I feel angriest about with D20 is the fact that she pulled this stunt on deadline. It speaks volumes about her selfish frame of mind right now.

I'm not looking forward to this day ahead. I have quite a bit still to do today. And, the micromanager editor is in charge because it's election day. I already have a list of ToDo's from him in my email box this morning. I had planned on getting a bunch done last night, but that didn't work out so well.

I'm going to lean into God today.

In some ways, I feel a bit relieved...kinda like how I felt when Smokey left. There was relief in realizing I don't have to BE and DO it ALL for everyone else.

D12 and my job. Those are my two big priorities right now.

Damn, I'm tired.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Heather,

I have a soon to be 20 D. She also wants to make all her own decisions without discussion first and then hope we will dig them out of it later. Like you, I struggle with wanting to shield her. She can be like the little kid who insists on touching the hot stove after you tell them not too. I am learning that pulling back the shield is best because it allows them to grow. Not giving them money for everything is teaching them the value of getting and holding a job. I find it funny when they all sit on the couch and one says," hey lets go out to eat." Then they go from one to the next asking each if they have money. Then its hey dad do you have any money and I reply,"nope." Suddenly there is now more urgency to get jobs so they can do things. Its a struggle all parents go through, just a bit harder without a partner there for us who has our back. Keep doing the right thing and be there to soften the really hard blows, but don't shield er from them completely or she will never learn. Much like we have to do with allowing our spouses to go down their own paths.

[job]

Heather,
I'm glad you didn't get offended by my postings last night. I was very annoyed, not angry, at the disrespectful way that you daughter had treated you. However, I do think you've set some boundaries and I hope that you will not allow the boundaries to go by the wayside. She's old enough to know better and unfortunately, when she's out of control w/her temper, her mouth goes a mile a minute and she does whatever she can to prove her point. This, unfortunately, is a sign that she needs to take some anger management classes. Her anger gets in the way of thinking rationally and let's face it, she most likely knew how your father would react, but she didn't care at that time. Now, that she's cooled down and you've approached her, again, she's acting like she didn't know this or that. Time for your daughter to take control of that anger and put it to good use.

I think you are handling this current situation in a better frame of mind. Tough love doesn't mean you are throwing her to wolves, but you are making her more aware of what an adult is and facing the consequences of her actions. She's going to learn to be responsible and accountable for HER actions and financial debt. She can't do this if you continue to bail her out and make excuses for her.

As for work today, I do hope that things will be okay and you can focus on your work. I know you'll do a great job because writing, etc., is an outlet for you and hopefully keep your mind on other things.

Now, about your father, I would call him and have a heart to heart w/him. Layout everything and don't hold anything back as to what you've struggled w/over the last couple of years. I would be as honest as I can be and go from there. Honesty will set you free.

Take care.

[beatrice]

Heather - that is great advice from Job. Hang in there. You are doing such a lot to turn your life around.

[LoisB]

No, I'm not offended Job. :-)

Thank you all so much for being there for me and seeing strength when I feel so weak.

I held my ground yesterday.

D20 was digging for an apology from me...all over the place...didn't get one. I got one.

Climbing out from under years of being a victim in this world requires some Herculean strength. Good thing I'm so tough. :-)

I have a feeling that all these Hard Knocks right now come from a shifting dynamic within me. I'm hooked on this awesome show right now (Rehab Addict) about this woman who flips old houses. On my current episode, she is lifting an old house and building a new foundation. It's messy and there's lots of surprises...some really unpleasant after years of neglect. Sound familiar?

I'm rehabbing myself.

[LoisB]

Newspaper is done.

Faced some serious internal communication/organizational issues with this issue. I see how I have the choice of being Ol' Heather and taking other people's craapppp OR leading and managing as I was hired to do.

I see myself at a fork in the road. Yesterday, at work, I could see how easily I could CHOOSE to remain the victim and take on other people's issues/problems and then be the fall guy.

THAT AIN'T HAPPENIN.

We have some management issues here that aren't of my making. I plan on putting myself in a good position here. It will happen.

Haven't spoken to my dad yet. In some ways, this was a huge gift to me. I'm facing some things with my dad that I've needed to face. For some reason, I have this pattern in my life where the people I love are somehow given permission, by me, to make these life-altering mistakes...but, when I make a mistake or do something against my value system...I beat myself up and set myself on fire at the stake like Joan of Arc.

I feel the pain of other people's mistakes. I make these mistakes, lies, issues...mine. I'm human. And, that's ok. I've done the best I could.

[Atsbaby]

Heather,

I'm glad things are going well for you and the girls. I like that you have made your changes and are sticking to them, especially being the "victim" and now not putting up with others mistakes!

I hope you are able to make that strong impression at work and change those people/issues that need fixing.

[LoisB]

Had a meeting with my editor this morning. It was a rough one. The other editor is not a fan of mine. The perfectionist editor is not a fan.

The editor I met with said some nice things and told me that the two of us are strong. He said some other nice things, but my self-esteem is a bit weak right now and I heard all the negatives. It cut to the bone.

I couldn't even really defend myself because I couldn't think clearly enough.

Then, D12 and I were preparing to go back to my office and I spilled a full cup of coffee on us both. It landed on one of her favorite t-shirts. I was soaked.

So, we had to drive home.

D12 is really struggling. She hasn't been able to sleep. I think she is deeply grieving are old house and life.

Then, while I was meeting with my editor, D20 took the opportunity to put some pressure on D12 about joining a sport and how much schoolwork she is doing...

I need to reclaim my life here. Things seems to be spinning outta control.

[LoisB]

I think I'm having another panic attack.

[job]

You knew that one of the editors was a perfectionist several weeks ago...but I'm going to put this out here for you....no matter what you do, that particular editor will not be happy. Why? Because this person devotes all of their time to trying to be perfect. You could lay golden eggs and hand them out to everyone and this person still wouldn't be happy. Psst...nothing is perfect in this world, so don't let this person get to you.

As long as one of the editor's is happy w/you and your work...don't sweat it. He is very much aware of the situation and knows that you are still learning the ropes and this other person has been there a while. I would lay down my last dollar and state that when this perfectionist editor was around, people where happy because this person was constantly on them about this and that. Heather, no one is perfect except the man upstairs and that's why pencils have erasers...we all make mistakes, whether this person wants to admit it or not.

As for the coffee spill, I'm sorry it happen. You've got a lot on your mind and the meeting took you back a couple of steps...but you are doing fine...don't let one person get you down.

I'm not surprised to hear that D12 is struggling because it's been a huge adjustment for her. She's in a new place, needs to make some new friends and will need to get involved in some outside activities.

When D20 become your D12's supervisor/mother? Your oldest daughter needs to look at herself and determine what her own goals are. She needs to own her side of the street and stop pressuring your youngest daughter. Speak up and tell her to focus on her on issues and do what is necessary to take care of herself. You've got your youngest daughter's back.

Learn to speak up and allow others to hear how you feel. Don't bottle this stuff up.

[Matt165]

I'm with Job here, Heather, don't sweat it.
I will bet that the editor you are friendly with is so happy that he has you around to help keep Mr. Perfection in his place! I know it's hard when you hear someone say anything "negative" at all when you are in a new job but it sounds like the positives out paced the negatives by a large margin.

Your self esteem took a hit when Smokey bombed you. I can relate to that in a big way. Just be aware of this and remind yourself that for a while at least, you will be sensitive to any apparent criticism. Know that it will hit you hard at first but remember it's up to you how you react to your emotions. In time you will start to have less and less reaction until you are able to no longer let it affect you. Until then know that you are probably over reacting.

As for D12, she will take time to adjust. It wasn't your idea to upend her life, that's on Smokey. You are doing such a great job making the best of a bad sitch that she would be going through whether you moved or not. Her old life, like yours and D20's ended the day their father walked out. You couldn't stop that. All you can do is try and make their new life the very best it can be and IMO are doing a great job so far! Breathe Heather, you got this and you will do great!

[LoisB]

Ok. Feeling a bit better. Thanks Job.

I need to figure out the way this all works for ME. That first week when I was "on my own" and I panicked...the perfectionist editor jumped down my throat and began hovering. He hasn't stopped hovering. Until, I prove I can handle this job, he will continue.

I've also gotten away from my prayer and gospel music.

The Jeep has been broken/needs a new exhaust--towing it from Ohio shook up some rust. So, D20 and I have been car-pooling. This means I spend a long 45 minutes with her in the morning and evening. I also have to adjust my schedule to accommodate her schedule. She is done with work by 2:30. It's put more pressure on me. On Monday and Tuesdays, it means I feel pressure about getting done--and, it means D20 can't get home to D12 by 3:30 p.m.

It also means that...days like today...I could have D20 take D12 home at 2:30 and I could get a few more hours of work done without the kids around.

D20 has stepped up some since the blowout on Monday. She made an appointment and had an estimate for the Jeep repair. $650 in repairs with $450 needing done ASAP in order to make the vehicle driveable.

I have some things to sort out. It's a lot. But, I will figure it out.

D12 has calmed down. We are working on her homework and chilling.

I have noticed a few things. I get the most done on the paper when I get up really early...5 a.m. It's quiet and no one bothers me.

Also, I know it's not realistic right now...but, I want a treadmill. I need a way to burn off this energy. I suppose I could use my Salsa DVD too.

I'm also putting a lot of pressure on myself to put things in place in the house. We still don't have a microwave-which hasn't been as big a deal as I thought it would be--it is for D12 though--she is dying for a hot pocket!

We also need a living room. No couch or chairs.

[Matt165]

Hey Heather,
Tread mills are one of those things that many people buy and never use. Check out Craigslist and I'll bet you can find one really cheap! Try to take some time this weekend and relax, you deserve it!

[LoisB]

There are just so many things requiring my attention and I don't know where to freakin start.

First thing I'm going to do this afternoon. I'm going to regain my center. First things first.

I'm going to breathe and center myself. For this moment, D12 knows I'm there for her.

[LoisB]

And, No, there's not pleasing the perfectionist editor. He reminds me a lot of my father and Smokey...I could contort myself into ridiculous positions and he still wouldn't see me doing enough.

This is a demon I have yet to face. I can't run from this one. I have to face him down...my imperfections and all. I still have value. I'm still an asset to this company...but, I may never please him.

Strange how I have to get honest with my dad at this time...things always seem to come full circle, don't they?

[LoisB]

Thank you Matt ;-)

[LoisB]

I need to find a way to make this new life work for ME. My own words are ringing in my ears. A way to make this new life work for me...Not according to the standards/expectations of others...but, for ME.

So how does this life look?

I've come up with categories that I have to deal with every 7 days...

Maybe it's time for a new set of goals?

Me--continued healing and moving forward.
Newspaper
D12
Bills/Money--something I don't have enough of and it's causing me more stress.

Haven't heard back from my atty since I said that I wouldn't make any more payments to him until he was able to give me some idea of when I could expect to receive support money...more than $200 per month.

The rest...

[kml]

1) You - forget the treadmill for now, stick to your videos and to bubble baths, look for cheap used exercise dvds at the Goodwill.

2) Work - get your hurt emotions out of the way and look at the constructive criticism as just that, CONSTRUCTIVE. What do you need to work on? How can you do that in such a way that it is VISIBLE at work, that you have heard the editors comments and are incorporating that into your approach? Don't mix up work with your personal family of origin issues - your boss and coworkers are NOT your mom and ex and do not need to be treated as if they are.

3) D12 - she needs to be sheltered from your stressed moments - she needs to see you as strong and confident so that SHE doesn't worry. Can you get her to read Robinson Crusoe? I loved that self-reliant message as a kid. Help her to see this as an empowering adventure as much as you can. Also see if there's a way she can make a little pocket money for herself (dog walking? Selling crafts on Etsy?)

4) Bills/money -
A) Check out Good and Cheap: Eat well on $4 a day, free pdf download. Also make a big batch of beans and rice or similar cheap eats. Check out mrmoneymustache and see how low some of the people there have cut their grocery bills. This is one place you can probably still save money. Make it a family challenge to see how low you can get the grocery bill.
B) D's car repair - how much of that can she cover herself with her wages? Can she get a loan from Grandpa to fix it? Let HER handle it.
c) Couch - look on Freecycle, Craigslist, local Goodwill. It may not be what you want for the longterm, but I bet you can get a couch for free or next to nothing that will do for now.
D) I know the focus needs to be on your main job right now, but can you pick up any little online editing or writing jobs for a little extra cash?

[LoisB]

A store in of of my coverage areas has decided to stop selling the paper. He hasn't sold one copy in 9 weeks.

Yes, I wasn't in charge of the paper 9 weeks ago. Still, I'm feeling discouraged.

The email with the info about the shop went to me and the the perfectionist editor. Great.

If this is going to work, I need to do this MY way and quit allowing all these meatheads to clutter the process.

They changed the name of the paper last week. That means I need a new sign, new emails, new facebook page...everything I worked so hard to put into place for the past month is now moot. Everything needs changed.

I feel, to some extent, set up for failure.

As this day wears on...I'm getting closer to my own truth with all of this.

The expectations put on me were unrealistic...even minus the whole filing for D and moving...

This organization has some issues.

This morning I allowed myself, again, to take the fall. That's what I do. I take it on. Other people take a crap, I take responsibility.

[kml]

Well, I'm not sure what you took the "fall" for - but you need to get out of a victim mindset and into a team player mindset. Yes, it's a challenge - but you are up for it.

Bummer that you need to change the name, but the name change may be the entry to better sales.

[job]

Check Craig's List under "free" and you might find some decent furniture to tide you over until you can afford better. Heather, you've got to utilize the tools that are on the net. In my area, there are some really good free stuff that just requires a bit of airing and picking up. What about yard sales? Do they have them around you area on Saturdays? Check those out...some great deals there too.

I agree w/kml...you need to stop playing the victim and listen to the positives and the negatives and this is where you become a team player because you can take those negatives and turn them around. It's a challenge, but I've seen you do it before and you can do it again.

As for the store not selling papers...that's not your fault if it's been going downhill for 9 weeks. You aren't the miracle work here...you are new and learning very quickly and learn to speak up...don't take on all the bs that these editors and the staff are putting out there. If you don't speak up, they will walk all over you and sit back while you jump through hoops to please them.

Toughen your skin and next week start speaking up. If you don't like the way something is being done, speak up in a nice, but firm way. They will test you to see just how far they can push you. Time to stop that nonsense because all of you have one goal...getting a paper out on the street and selling it.

[LoisB]

I can handle this.

Ok. Enough of being the victim. I've got this.

I need to go pick up D20 from work. I'm going alone. I need some time to sort out my head. I haven't had enough ME time. This will help.

[Mighty]

Yes, you can handle this, Heather. You have a lot on your plate. But, I think you were sent to that paper for a reason. It's going to be a challenge, you will have obstacles, and people will give you a hard time. But you are there to do a job, and you can do it.

You aren't there to do what people who are stuck in their way want you to do. You are there to utilize your assets and strengths to make this the best paper you can. Obviously, this paper has seen better days. You are there to help turn that around. It isn't going to be easy. You will take things personally. You will have highs and lows, but you just keep on being the strong, intelligent woman you are.

You don't have to prove anything to anyone. We all know what you are capable of. Just do you, Heather. Don't let others' nonsense deter you from what you need to do.

Remember, other people will knock you down or be judgmental because of their own insecurities. You don't have to waste energy on that. You know who you are at the core. And you are finding out everything else you want to be and it is a positive journey.

D12 will get there. It is a big adjustment for her. She is finding her way, too. Don't we know how scary and intimidating that can be?! I would find something she can be a part of. Something to look forward to.

Keep going, Heather.

How about Wednesday?????

[LoisB]

Thank you Mighty, Wednesday would be awesome.

I spent most of the day with D12. I think we both really needed this time together. I made a plan for her schoolwork and discussed with it her.

She wants to attend the local public school next fall. I created a simple plan so she could, reasonably, attain this goal. I know she feels somewhat burdened by the idea, but I think if we keep track of her progress...she will quickly feel better about it. Her math skills have improved so much and I feel good about her focusing on the things that still bring her some trouble.

I'd like her to focus on her math, writing, typing, reading and grammar. I bought this really cool grammar program last year for my students. I'm excited for D12 to use it.

Ok, that's one of the burdens that has been weighing me down.

[Mighty]

Most schools in NYS are picking up the modules (Common Core based). They are quite different than the "traditional" way. I have some "stuff" if you'd like it for her.

Lemme know what I can do.

I could leave Wednesday after work. From work, I'm just over 2 hrs from Syracuse. Tell me what works. Maybe on a weekend we could meet in Finger Lakes wine region!!!!

Prob 5ish on Wed?

[LoisB]

Oh, and it turns out that the headaches she has been having for the past few days may have more to do with her not washing her hair and keeping it in a pony tail. I used to get those headaches. I had convinced myself she was IDK...I was imagining something way worse.

Anyway, I was swirling this morning and afternoon. It has felt like I'm experiencing all the stages of grief at once. Major anxiety, feeling like I'm going to die, shortness of breath, lots of negative thinking, imagining the absolute worst, blaming myself, looking for someone to ease the pain...waiting for Smokey to text...yadda, yadda...So, I went back to where this whole process started.

I picked up the abandonment workbook. And, as I was reading, I had a sort of D.U.H. moment. Not really an epiphany, more of a..."seriously, duh!"

If I stand outside and look at myself as an observer...yep, this really isn't rocket science, is it?

I mean, here's this woman who has experienced a bunch of loss since childhood.

It's no secret that I react to change and new experiences with anxiety. I freeze up, put too much pressure on myself and shut down.

Now, in the past month or so...

-Filed for divorce
-Bought a new car
-Moved across two states
-Started a new job where I know absolutely no one in an industry where I haven't worked in more than 10 years
-I opened a new office
-Was confronted with the reality that a child I absolutely adore was sexually abused in my home when I was in charge...
-Dealt with some spewing and reaction from Smokey

I guess it makes sense that I'm a little raw right now. I feel a bit sensitive and exposed...like my every character defect is shining like a neon sign for all to see.

I'm also doing the very thing that every person in my life has reassured me, over and over again, that I am incapable of doing.

It reminds me of when I tried out for the part of Becky Thatcher in the 4th grade. No one expected shy Heather to get the part. Well, shy Heather got up there and rocked it. Then, after my music teacher announced she was sure I would have the part...she asked me to give one more performance. I froze. I blew it.

I gotta find that safe place inside for that little girl who expects she will fail.

[LoisB]

Five-ish would be great.

The stuff I use is all Common Core-based. D12 actually responds fairly well to the Common Core Curriculum, it's the testing in school that makes me a bit nervous.

Anyway...I would love to meet up in wine country!

[Mighty]

Could always opt-out. D13 did last year.

Glad she gets CC. Once you do, it is great! She will have a much better understand of concepts.

OK, I will look at some places. Kind-of bored tonight. Alone and feel it. Looking for somewhere will give me something to do.

No more freezing, Heather! Only outside in February. Get ready for that lake effect!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[LoisB]

So, this is what I wrote last summer...

I was answering the following question:

Can you identify the main obstacle you had to overcome to achieve fulfillment?

Me: Believing in myself.

Look forward into the future. Two years from now, this obtacle is gone, how did you remove the obstacle?

Me: I tuned everyone out and listened to that calm, steady voice inside myself. I turned off the Panic Button. I stopped listening to the broken people around me and began trusting that I'm not as broken as I thought. Maybe how I do things isn't bad or wrong. I stopped obsessing about the Why's and the How's and how I may or may not have screwed up...I simply got busy being the wonderful human being I am. I stopped overthinking it and gave myself a huge Atta Boy for surviving all I have survived.

I think I need to listen to myself.

[Mighty]

Sharkey's B&G
Daddabbo's
Davaney's
CJ's Pub & Restaurant
Iron Skillet
Longhorn Steakhouse
Baggi's Ristorante

All listed from east to west from Syracuse to E. Henrietta (Far east of Roch)

Don't know anything about any of them. But, I thought I could take you do dinner??? They are just a list from off the Thruway. Thought it'd be easy.

Pick something. I don't care what.

[LoisB]

Mighty, that would be great.

I will take a look.

[Matt165]

Heather,
Keep in mind that they brought you on at the paper because it wasn't doing well! Mr. Perfection can't have been doing so great as an editor considering how few papers were sold before you have even had a chance to turn things around! Also, look at how he may see you....if you CAN turn things around, how will that make HIM look? Here is this outside woman who comes in and makes the paper work where he couldn't do it. He probably feels insecure around YOU and the way he deals with his feelings is trying to make everyone be "perfect". Believe me, I've dealt with some of those types in the past, not easy to deal with and with all you have been going through the last year, of course it isn't easy.

You will be OK, don't worry, I know you've got this. Hey, now that the papers got a new name maybe you can get the paper back in that store! Just tell them it's a totally different publication!

[LoisB]

Thank you Matt.

Here's the recipe for the anxiety I'm feeling.

-A huge dose of stress from many different sources
-Lots of big changes in a short amount of time
-Lack of good organizational, time management and money management skills

I have control over one of those three ingredients.

I'm praying for God's help in getting this next newspaper out easily and effortlessly.

It's time for Heather to accept responsibility and learn the skills to pave the way for a new way of living...within a budget, with some daily discipline and a some ways to relieve the stress.

I need some new goals. I outgrew the old.

How do I see things in Two Years? How did I overcome the problems of today?

I had a conversation with D12 yesterday. I used Shining's words. I told her that her relationship with her dad may not look like what other family's have...but, it's still HERS. I told her that she is free to handle this relationship in whatever way makes her feel comfortable. If she wants to reach out to him, if she doesn't...I will support her either way.

We talked a bit about the grief of moving and she said she isn't so much missing her dad or the fact he was at least an hour away...it's more the house and her old way of doing things.

She needs my structure right now.

The piece that's missing is my time management and structure. I need to plan out each week, day...Not something that comes easily for me...but, it's time.

[LoisB]

When I get stressed, overwhelmed, etc...I tend to retreat into old habits that feel safe. Ways I learned as a kid to cope, once again, become my way of life...

In my childhood, I had some really domineering, controlling, abusive, angry men. Retreating into myself was a successful way of protecting myself. Retreating into myself right now isn't saving me, it's hurting me. The men at work are manageable-even the perfectionist. I've dealt with far worse when it comes to anal-retentive men. I've lived with far, far, far worse.

I can handle this guy.

Right now, I'm actually in a good position because I can blame the stress of the move and so forth on my initial first three issues. If I regroup now, I can still salvage their good opinion of me.

I've learned a lot in a short amount of time.

I knew coming in that I didn't have certain skills they were looking for. They've now seen me at my weakest. I allowed Smokey's rejection and all past rejections to color how I FEEL about myself in this new job.

Bottom Line: I can do this. I know I can do this. I need to remind myself of other times in my life when I've been consistent and followed through. I need to look at things I've accomplished a little bit at a time, piece-by-piece.

I need to break it down.

I need to shut out the voices in my head saying it can't be done, at least not by me. The voices saying that this is impossible for Heather to achieve...those voices are now muted.

[LoisB]

For today...

I'm working on my NEW GOALS.

I'm going to attend an event where I can get some pictures and two stories for the next issue.

I'm going to map out my PLAN for the next issue and how I'm going to achieve it.

OH, and the damn Keurig broke! Anyone ever had a Keurig take a dump? It's not moving the water through as it should. It will fill like a 1/4 cup of coffee and then stop even though it says it's still brewing?

[LoisB]

I'm living in a way that is causing me some anxiety. My way of living...blowing where the wind takes me...isn't working for me. It's causing me to disrespect myself.

I need to be more proactive and not so reactive.

Having a plan isn't a bad thing.

I'm going to begin by squeezing a few more drops of coffee from the machine and I'm going to plan the day ahead.

[LoisB]

I have until Monday at 3 to get my layouts, articles and pictures done for the newspaper.

That's the beginning of a timeline.

[LoisB]

And, I've written more and in less time, on these boards. I already have the layout for all but one page in my head. I just need to put these to paper. Then, fill the spots with the words.

[Lifes Twists]

Add vinegar to the water container and top off with water. Remove K cup and just keep running the unit till all vinegar water has run through it. Then run clean water through till it is clear of vinegar taste.

[LoisB]

Thanks Life! Will do.

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