Edz - Tough Times ahead proceeding with caution

[edz]

You know having written that I do get that W is wanting to keep the best friends part of our relationship, sadly - as I told her - I can't do that, I've been smitten with her since we met, still am now and couldn't cope with always wanting a relationship we couldnt have, worse what if she gets into another relationship, no I can't go there and stay sane.

[edz]

Edz
Sorry for where you find yourself .
Don't give up mate
The sha is just up the road from me if you ever want a chat
South

Thanks mate and thanks for previous offers too just wanted you to know not ignoring them just the thought of you meeting a 6'4 man who descends into either a blubbering mess or a depressive doesnt sound like something you'd find appealing just at the moment. I imagine like the other phases this will pass or something unexpected (and probably equally bad) will happen but right now Im trying to keep around people (GAL/180) but not too much having to deal with people 1:1 if that makes any sense at all?

[jim0987]

Sorry this is rough. Its very easy for me to empathise as I'm going through the same (only not 6'4).

Do you really want a friend that treats you like this? That takes you for granted? That could hurt you and your S in this way? This is her choice and so she has to accept the consequences.

If you don't think you can be friends then don't. Marriage or co parents is the way I look at it - anything else is a LONG way down the road.

My W was my best friend but my friends comfort me when I'm down, they treat me with respect, they apologise if they hurt me and they most definitely do not try and take my kids away from me. She was my friend and I miss that but she isn't anymore.

What part of DBing isn't working for you? If you didn't what would you do different?

Or to phrase another way whether you save your marriage or move on you need to do the same things:
Detach so she doesn't control you
Get a life outside of your M
Take care of yourself
Be the best dad you can
Face your fears and take charge of them
Rebuild your self esteem and self worth
Understand and learn from your mistakes
Have some fun

So forget about the goal and the what its of the future just focus on doing the bits above today and plan what you're doing tomorrow

Sooooo much easier to say to someone else than do, I know.

Look after yourself, things will get better and us anonymous internet folk will do what we can to support you. You have a whole bunch of strangers that wish you well and want to help so if nothing else that shiuld help prove your worth.

[edz]

Thanks Jim, right on all counts. W isnt accepting the consequences because so far, for her, there are none. Yes she's had to stay at her mums which is purgatory for any normal human being but she is never going to deal with her until her funeral (at which point I can research finding a mariarchi band) she's spent ever waking hour with S which is what shes wanted to do for the past 3 years when school wasnt in the way and she's not had to deal with anything else, car she just took so had her mobility, she has and is blessed by the bias of the family courts and knows it - complete control on when S comes and goes to me and the only way I can challenge any of it is to nuke the relationship myself and risk (really risk) the little I have left by her calling the shots on a divorce.

Does she want to divorce? She says no, does she really, who knows?

Do I *need* her in the codependant way I did? No

Do I want to share my life with her, miss her and love her still, abosultely.

So to your questions above on DB. So far I see nothing Divorce Busting about it (and yes Ive read both books and had my own councelling although there seems no access to coaches in the UK) W seems the same now as she did at the start, at least in talking to (or not) me. Someone else posted it seems more of a Separation / Divorce councelling and support service and that I can see. For me I think the forum has helped more than anything in the books although theyve been good roadmaps to ways to proceed rather than thrashing about on my own.

Im glad I found it and am still following it, if nothing else its helping me get in shape but for what I dont know. Certainly the getting a life outside your marriage is a resonant point, issue is I never really wanted one, not didnt need one, I was happy as a husband and father and Im not in my twenties I dont want that life. The relationship with my Son (as with South) is probably the best its been in years and Im grateful for that but its such a short window I have that that right now I dont know if its a huge improvement or just he's not around enough to see there are still problems, W doesnt seem that interested in exploring anything else although her point on the impact of the flat in turmoil is a good one. Theres still a huge double standard, what does she think will happen when she moves in and half the place is gone, all the tech and some of the memories he's known his whole life removed? I genuinely believe she doesnt "get" that S is going to be hurt, damaged and have to cope regardless of what anyone does or says because of this. I also believe that if/when he is she'll just blame me and disregard her actions.

When I move, yes its a nice place but again Im going to be left financially hurting with no appreciable freedom, no money to have much in the way of fun or rebuild. She will be less so having divested herself of a lot of debt, getting social support, reduced rent and sending S to a state school - unpicking everything we sacrificed so much for over the past 10 years and thats before the 15% of my salary she now gets monthly.

So right now my choices are all fairly grim and so is my future, I'll keep working on it. Doubtless my mood will lift some days and we'll see what the future holds.

To answer the big question do I want someone like that for a friend, hell no (censor will that go through, oooh interesting to see) do I want W even if she would behave like that. Now theres an interesting answer to think of myself, if we could work on it and see where we went from that point in a marriage yes, yes I would. As friends no, not because of those reasons though, simply because I could never see her as a friend ever and it would hurt every time I was with her knowing whats been lost.

[edz]

And thanks to the rest of the internet folk too. You all are helping more than you know.

[edz]

New email from W telling me she's taking S to play date then this prty so cant find time today to come round or talk. Thanks, next excuse coming in 3...2...1..

Just went back with fair enough, will see you tomorrow. Take care tonight at the party.

Sigh, thing is I know (not suspect, know) that a lot of the time she says these things she's not telling the truth. I caught her out on it several times when she's said she's out all day driving S here there and everywhere and then I've seen the car in MILs driveway (not spying its on the road to the supermarket) she wasnt anywhere like where she's said (believe nothing said half of whats done) I also know its not another man (at least not those times) as S has inadvertantly told me those days they were playing monopoly with MIL/FIl or he was just playing on W's phone while she slept / read kindle.

So again, I just dont know what she actually is doing or wants, I really dont think she does either.

Anyway another few hours and Im off out, was going to the cinema bust just looked at the listings,errrrrrrrr, ok going to be pot luck as nothing I'd like is on. Probably grab whatevers on next and a hot dog (live dangerously) and other cinema pathogens and just while away the evening in the dark..

[jim0987]

I have to agree with you that I've found the advice and support here more directly useful than the books but the books helped.

And the get a life doesn't mean do stuff for the sake of doing it - its doing things that will make you happy but doesn't depend on someone else to make you happy.

My major GAL activities have been reading and building a better connection with existing F&F. They are turning into new activities and opportunities.

[South74]

Edz
Fury is brilliant .

Have you considered going LRT with W .

If anything it would reduce contact which I do see as a source of your unhappiness .

I've had 2 months of no contact with W and in that time just 2 texts . If i do reply it's just a thanks or ok I keep it very brief .

But I feel so much better for not seeing hearing or having texts from her. I still think about her and possibly what I may do if she was to ask to come home but it becomes more and more less frequent as time goes on .

[edz]

Funny I think I've read the parts dealing with GAL more than the 180s. Problem is not knowing what makes me happy any more. Yes some things I did/do make me happy like new technology but even if I had money I don't know it holds the appeal it did. My happy moments before this revolved around having fun at legoland with the family and getting drenched on the rides or watching movies together or a hundred other things with S and W.

Problem is she only sees the bad, forgets those or they never made her happy and she just didn't say. So how do I do the things that make me happy when I am barred from them? I can fill my time sure, I can get out and not sulk but really, truly get a life to be happy, I think I have to settle for accepting that right now that's not something in my power to do and I have to settle for taking care of myself and trying to be the best Dad I can and keeping the road smoothed and the door open in case W wants to come back. Dropping the rope is light years away for me, even if W did say she's done. I'm not going to be a negative influence or effect in her life (providing she doesnt become adversarial as I cant be the doormat any more and must protect what I have and what I can be for my Son) but I also cant easily drop the last third of my life, shrug and move on which is what she at least portrays even if she is not feeling.

It does make me feel better that you and South and others do seem to be getting further though, both because I truly want us all to be happy and have a great life and maybe it can happen to me at some point too (I must have read the divorces busted threads sooo many times by now) just right now I don't believe anything good will happen ever again which is just the depression phase talking I imagine and I just have to plug away day by day to get through it with the silent support of those who do care for me in real life and in here.

[edz]

Edz
Fury is brilliant .

Have you considered going LRT with W .

If anything it would reduce contact which I do see as a source of your unhappiness .

I've had 2 months of no contact with W and in that time just 2 texts . If i do reply it's just a thanks or ok I keep it very brief .

But I feel so much better for not seeing hearing or having texts from her. I still think about her and possibly what I may do if she was to ask to come home but it becomes more and more less frequent as time goes on .

Hi South

yes I did consider it but W dominates and controls S's availability and time. I'd be seriously impacting my ability to see him as I know W would just clam up too and I would then be the bad guy in so far as "not wanting to see your son". Ultimately when I've moved I have to hope some of this will self-resolve if and when a schedule for seeing him is in place but even there she has some sort of cock eyed idea that she doesnt want to miss him every weekend and maybe we can slide days around with one week being a monday and another a sunday and....all sorts of other garbage that confuses the hell out of me never mind a 9/10 year old. I keep saying he needs consistancy and schedules but she just isnt listening right now.

Any wonder my mind is turning to rice pudding?