Friend or Friendly?

[Ggrass]

Lots of couple do not end up friends. Nor do they even remain in touch there is no shame in that. Db is a choice you can aim for if it feels right for you.

[AJM]

ME: "Did your mother have a good time?" (Mistake?)

I wouldn't call it a mistake. I just wonder why you asked?

I realize you could say it was because she is part of his life and you are just asking about his life and those in it. You could have been doing that. But I wonder if that's what you had in mind? It doesn't come across that way. It comes across as you are still pining away for her and want to know about her etc. Which was it Tad?

Years ago, I finalized my conversation with my son around his mother. When he was little she gave him all kinds of grief about coming over even to get things he needed for school. My ex and her H live three blocks from me. But he wasn't allowed by her to walk over at night, so sometimes he would forget things he needed for school etc. For a long time he would ask me to bring them over on my way home from work etc. I would ask him if he asked his mom. Eventually, I told him I wouldn't ask that any more - he always had asked first. My reason? He didn't need me pointing it out and giving him more grief.

That was years back, Tad. It highlighted the lack of co-parenting (not my choice) and didn't help things. But it also translated into me not asking him anything about his mother or her husband. Fast forward a few years - my son brings up things that puzzle him about his mom. I'll talk about the past, but more as a way to help him see how I handled things. Nothing about the divorce or what led up to it. More about things when he was very little or before he was born. I'll talk about his mom like that, but I don't ask about how she's doing. Not only do I not care, it doesn't help him or me in the least. He'll talk about things when he is ready or if he needs to. Your son will do the same if he wants to. You don't need to ask.

Jack has such a way with words.. The lollipop is a prime example. But I don't see why you would need to respond to her at all if either of those questions came up. A snarky reply is not really needed - not out loud anyway.

All in all, letting go of that anger would free you, Tad. Like so many of us, you are in prison and don't know you have the key. But you do.

While you search for it, it may be helpful to not ask those kinds of questions of the boys. Believe me, they know a lot more than you may give them credit for. If they need help, they'll ask. If you poke like that, they'll figure you're not done and healed. I would.


AJ

[uRworthy]

Tad, I always say that everyone walks this in their own time and in their own way. But, sometimes you can get stuck.

I agree with my friend AJ. What purpose does it serve to ask questions like that? It doesnt serve you or your son well, right?

For him, it shows him you are still hurting. For you, it can mean hearing something that upsets you.

The truth of it is that it doesnt
really matter if she had a good time or not. It really doesnt or maybe better said, it really shouldnt matter to you.

I get that you still hurt. I am sorry you do. I get that you still cant understand why she did what she did. The thing of it is...you will probably never understand it. For a lot of reasons....mainly that you arent her.

Sometimes we need to let go of the need to understand things. Some things will just never make sense. Like when a child gets cancer. It isnt how things are supposed to happen...yet, they do.

For me the way to forgiveness was acceptance. Didnt mean I had to agree with it. Didnt mean I had to understand it. To me, forgiveness is the letting go of wishing things were different.

Once I was able to accept what was, I was able to forgive. Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.

But mainly, when you forgive and really let go, it frees you up. It stops weighing you down and sapping your energy.

Let her go, Tad. Forgive her and move forward. It's time.

[Mighty]

W- Let's be friends.

Answer #1 - I'm booked solid with friends, but I'll call you when one dies.

Answer #2 - I'm good with friends; let's be enemies.

Jack, THAT IS AWESOME! I am so going to put that in my pocket. Love it.

AJ, I love reading your posts. What you said to tad... it is reinforcing things you have said to me. I am getting to a place where I am implementing the things you've said. I "get it" and as time passes, things make more sense. Sometimes your guidance will ring a bell at different times. I have been thinking a lot lately about communication with xh about the kids.

Your post to tad really made me think even more about it. Thanks!

(Sorry, tad, for the hijack)

Tad, I feel what you are going through with this. I understand wanting to ask... Sometimes it may just come out. It's like we need to solve this crazy mlc puzzle or something. So many things just don't make sense, so, for me, it is like an insight to see what xh is thinking/feeling. Maybe that will help answer questions or something?

I am much better at not asking those questions now. I had heard xh asking the kids about me and it gave me a sense of power that he was asking about me and I hadn't been asking about him. Once that time of *opportunity* passes and you hadn't inquired, it feels much better. You feel stronger, you get a better perspective- like, what does it matter? Then you realize that you can still carry on without knowing.

Keep your head up, tad.

[BRNR]

I am much better at not asking those questions now. I had heard xh asking the kids about me and it gave me a sense of power that he was asking about me and I hadn't been asking about him. Once that time of *opportunity* passes and you hadn't inquired, it feels much better. You feel stronger, you get a better perspective- like, what does it matter? Then you realize that you can still carry on without knowing.

Mighty, I second that!!! (Just because it is happening in my sitch)

The thing is, I find if you are still asking those kinds of questions (even to yourself) than you are wasting precious time that is yours. It is self defeating.

As far as time to "let go" as someone said...I think everyone comes to that point on their own. I know I did.

Tad, you'll get there, but only when YOU want to.

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I'm still here. Have been pretty busy at work. The cooler weather seems to take it's toll on TV stations and keeping them on the air this week has been a challenge. Can't wait to see what it is like this winter.

I don't feel you owe her a true friendship, but if she wanted she could have said hello. I doubt you would have spat on her or been rude.

Exactly Ggrass.

I wouldn't call it a mistake. I just wonder why you asked?

I realize you could say it was because she is part of his life and you are just asking about his life and those in it. You could have been doing that. But I wonder if that's what you had in mind? It doesn't come across that way. It comes across as you are still pining away for her and want to know about her etc. Which was it Tad?

Honestly AJ, I really can't say why I asked. It just came out. Making conversation I guess. Sure, I could have not asked, but it just happened. As for pining, nah. I think I am finally getting to the point where I just don't care. I realized earlier today that I don't even think I thought about her once at all yesterday. Which is good, because she always crosses my mind from time to time throughout the day. COMPLETELY letting go of someone that I've known for 30 years is tough. She is bound to cross my mind from time to time, but yesterday was kind of nice.

While you search for it, it may be helpful to not ask those kinds of questions of the boys. Believe me, they know a lot more than you may give them credit for.

Yeah. I'm starting to see this.

Sometimes we need to let go of the need to understand things. Some things will just never make sense. Like when a child gets cancer. It isnt how things are supposed to happen...yet, they do.

Agreed. I've always been one to try to find an explanation. I guess in some instances in life, there are no explanations.....

Thanks for the nice words BRNR.

Just a couple of things:

The woman I've been talking to at work has invited me to a "throwback 70's" concert on Sunday afternoon. Not sure if I should go for 2 reasons.

1) I work over-nights. It would be in the middle of my night if I went. (She has the night off.)

2) I like her a lot but......I'm not sure if I want things to progress or atleast progress quickly. I'm pretty sure she likes me. She has told me twice this week that I make the time go by so fast because she enjoys talking to me. She is pretty awesome and the things we have in common....kind of scary. But....we'll see...

I was reading Matt's thread earlier and he was talking about music. Music has always been a HUGE part of my life. Some of you know that I am a fanatic when it comes to the rock group KISS. I've been a fan since I was about 9 years old and have over 30 of their albums. When XW's MLC started, I quit listening to all music. ALL OF IT. I've slowly worked my way back into listening to some of the harder stuff and listening to my KISS albums again. The funny thing is, songs that used to have no meaning for me, now do and songs that did have meaning, now have DIFFERENT meaning to me. Music is a funny thing. I've missed it. Anyways, just sharing.

Tad

[sunshinelewis]

First....you have a record player?!?!?! Lol Awesome. Love Kiss. But that's about as hard as it gets for me lol.

Tad I'm sure no one here doesn't ever expect you ex not to cross ur mind. You have kids that share part of her. That's not exactly what letting go is. Obsessing about her......asking sons about her......pining away for her (just examples here), talking about her constantly......things like that. Letting her go doesn't mean that she will never cross your mind, it just means she crosses it and u move onto ur next thought. Her life and what she does want be near as important to u. You will pass her on the st ANC not miss a beat. You children will mention her and u smile and talk about the next thing. Eventually u will have many days without a thought about her, they get far and few between.
Take it slow with this lady Tad. I would suggest friendship for a long while.
In my opinion, u have llearn about YOU first. Learn to enjoy life Alone then a companion is just an extra bonus. Yes you have been alone but u haven't enjoyed life yet Tad. You are just now starting to get ahead. Do what Tad enjoys. Live Tad!

Hugs

[MrBond]

I'd be very careful about the woman. What does your therapist say?

[ericmsant2]

what he said ^^^^

[tadpole1025]

First....you have a record player?!?!?! Lol Awesome.

Haha. No. I used to have a bunch of them on vinyl, but have now got them on CD.

Take it slow with this lady Tad. I would suggest friendship for a long while.

Yeah. I will. Going to take it VERY slooooooooooow. However, I really could use a friend so for now, it will be just that. A friendship. I'm not going to rush into anything, but I would like a friend to do things with.

I'd be very careful about the woman. What does your therapist say?

The same thing everyone has said really. To take it slow.

And I will.

That's all for now. I have to go before my rats eat all of my dinner....



Tad