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RachelC Offline OP
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Hi all,

I am hoping someone has experienced this. I believe my husband is suffering from MLC. He recently told me that he wants out of our marriage. I asked him to postpone any decisions until Dec 1. He is still very talkative with me most of the time, and occasionally will show affection. Then he will withdraw and only talk to me when necessary. I have made an effort to be happy and kind at all times, no matter how he is behaving. I am also giving a lot of space, by staying in a separate room most of the time. He has stopped almost all physical contact, but occasionally will kiss or hug me. Is it common for MLC'rs to waffle back in forth?

I have slipped a few times and talked about the relationship, but I am determined not to do that anymore.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

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Rachel,

I read your first post in newcomers and you ended by saying you hope you can be one of the DBer's who survive MLC.

I guarantee that you will survive MLC. : )

I am also pretty sure you meant that your marriage will survive the MLC...that one...that's tougher to predict.

Personally? My marriage didn't survive the MLC; don't get me wrong I'm still married to my wife who had the MLC, but that marriage died and we created a better one.

IF your husband is in MLC, there is seldom (if ever) a quick fix. If there is a quick fix, it wasn't an MLC or better yet, don't trust it.

You're in this for the long haul. And during that time, we have found it best to work on ourselves. Your going to get alot of advice, and you'll get what you put in here. Hopefully someone will come along and take you under wing.

This is the best worst place you'll ever find yourself.

Last edited by Jack_Three_Beans; 10/27/14 09:49 PM. Reason: grammar


Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis

Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans

Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK

TRUST THE PROCESS - Cadet

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RachelC Offline OP
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Thank you Jack_three_beans

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Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

However due to the board PURGE this POST is under reconstruction and
we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version,
sorry for the confusion.


I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Reccomended Reading thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...619#Post2484619

MLC for Dummies
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1

Great one liners
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...true#Post894543

TMAK Reconnection
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...011#Post2485011

Snippits from the Anne Sheffield depression site
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=851708#Post851708

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Why they run:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484259#Post2484259

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

Odds and Ends from Delboy
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2488315#Post2488315

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.

I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.


Your H has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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RachelC,

I would love to be a listening ear for you...my wings are still growing. LOL

How are you today?


BombOctober 2012-
OW 11/28/12 -H still denies
Separated 11/29/12
Own place 12/12/12
Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13
Oct 2013 - I knew I was done
Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
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Omg, thank you so much. This has been so helpful. And you all have been wonderful. Today has been a down up day. He was withdrawn this morning, then this afternoon he came down to my cave, the former entertainment room now my escape room, just to chat. I have gotten really good at happy. I never thought I could, but wow now I may have a second of stress, then I am over it. It may be the antidepressants that I got, but I will take it during this.

I am positive on the depression for him. The more I learn, the more I see why he is here. I think now I am just mourning the loss of the wonderful man I married with the hope that a new improved one will eventually show up. I am pretty sure there is an OW, but after taking the time to understand MLC, now I see it as symptom of this mental illness. I have gotten to hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. It is so important to me to protect my kids as much as possible.

He told me yesterday that he was going to see a therapist. Of course, I will wait until I actually see him go. I just hope he pick's one that can get through the surface, and not let him fool them.

Thank you all again, this community is wonderful and has made me feel so good and really helping me focus on GAL.

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Sounds good Rachel! And so far the smart and wise thing to do....sit back and observe. If there is an other woman, while you are aware she is a symptom of a bigger problem, be prepared to endure a lot.

Since you have kids focus on them as much as possible and stay strong for them...this will be a process for them too and as you are learning how to cope, they will need you to show them how to do the same.

Post here if you every need to release or anything. You sound so much healthier than I was when I got here, so I'm hoping for the best for you and your family.


BombOctober 2012-
OW 11/28/12 -H still denies
Separated 11/29/12
Own place 12/12/12
Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13
Oct 2013 - I knew I was done
Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
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Hi Rachel. Sorry you have found yourself here. I see you are taking steps to work on yourself, stay positive, and plans for gal. These are important. Sometimes it is more difficult than others. Just allow yourself to process and keep pushing forward.

Keep your head up. Keep positing. It has been such a life saver for me.

Get ready for the ride of a lifetime. Keep the focus on you. Just watch him from the corner of your eye, but focus on you. Act for you. Think for you. Till the next time...

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It is so hard when he acts like things are normal between us, shares his day with me, etc. Then next thing he is telling me he is going to a Halloween party and he ordered his costume with no regard to me. It is the craziest thing to see this man who used to be so thoughtful and sweet turn into such a selfish jerk. I swear the prostate cancer triggered something in him that is making focus on making sure he has all the fun he can before he dies. I messed up and said I thought we were making progress and his response was I don't even know how to respond to that. I of course realized right away to stop talking about it and let it go. I am just bewildered by all of this.

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Hi Rachel. Please try to stick to one thread, probably this one. It makes it easier for others to keep up with you. Post every day.

Originally Posted By: RachelC
It is so hard when he acts like things are normal between us, shares his day with me, etc.

Enjoy these moments. Many here wish their spouse "shared their day" with them.

Then next thing he is telling me he is going to a Halloween party and he ordered his costume with no regard to me.

MLC is all about being independent and making up for lost time. We can't hold them back, that doesn't work.

It is the craziest thing to see this man who used to be so thoughtful and sweet turn into such a selfish jerk. I swear the prostate cancer triggered something in him that is making focus on making sure he has all the fun he can before he dies.

Near death experiences are often a trigger. He has to figure this out for himself, you can't do it for him. Let him go.

I messed up and said I thought we were making progress and his response was I don't even know how to respond to that. I of course realized right away to stop talking about it and let it go. I am just bewildered by all of this.


MLC "progress" is measured in years. Have you read Michele's MLC chapter in DR? No counting on H to fill your needs right now. You need to build a new life and be good on your own. This doesn't mean you can't or won't eventually have an even better M with H in the future.

Post more here.


M: A really long time.
Crisis: 5 years.
She's still worth it.

Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl

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