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When are you going to quit feeling sorry for yourself and start growing? You're on a board full of people in similar situations but you act like you're the only person this has ever happened to. Yours isn't even the worst case I've read. Not even close. Do you know what I and many others would give to have our spouses under our roofs? You are squandering your gift of time.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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"The lack of respect was going on long before I shait kicked the OM ."

And your beating probably made that lack of respect worse.

You did read the books right? I tried going back through your threads but I couldn't find your list of M problems and your responsibility on them. In what ways have you changed since all this happened, for the better?

".I really wished I had have exposed way back in March and got it over with . "

And who would you actually have exposed the A to anyway?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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Yeah, Dawgy. Disrespect is typical. You want respect? Detach from her. Become your own man. Work on yourself. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Yeah it's a hard row to hoe, but roll up your sleeves & get to work on yourself. It take kahunas but you're not going to get respect by wallowing in your misery.
Make a plan. Did you read my plan. I think I sent it to U-turn or Jefe - can't remember.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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Point taken Maybell . I agree , having her under our roof is defintely a good thing for the boys , not so much me . I find it uncomfortable for both of us . If she would be nicer or respectful it would be fine . Anyway Maybell dear I apologize for any remarks or advice ive taken in the wrong way from you . And would like your advice on how i could take advantage of her still being under our roof . What is it I could do to use the gift of time wisely .
I believe she is hoarding money (probably to leave ) but I dont know for sure .Ive asked her whats she s been doing with all of her income because she knows about all of mine . She lists off a few bills but it surely doesnt add up to what she makes by a long shot . I dont know how to address this problem either .Im just not able to make rational decisions `concerning my sitch . Dawgy


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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Mr Bond . Well for staters I believe i was a good husband . But where I may have lacked in our relationship maybe affection . But she was the same . Shes always been very sexy and uninhibited in the bedroom with me . But outside the bedroom she was always a little prudish . I still love her soooo much . But I cant show her affection very well if she wont hardly even speak or sleep with me .
As far as exposure . Her parents , my parents . OM s wife , his boss , his adult children ,Our families and friends and finally regretfully our children . If it wasnt for our children losing total respect for their mother , I believe i would have exposed . I do not want her children to hate her or disrespect her in anyway , but i think thats she knows and I know that is precisely what will happen if her two sons find out . This is the biggest reason Ive been trying to keep our marriage together. Whether she sees it or not I am protecting her from that out come


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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Confronting her about her money is pursuing. Don't.

As for showing her affection, it's not all about sex. It's about doing the little things that you did while courting. Thinking of things she would like, from her perspective, and doing them without being asked. Little courtesies. Try to put yourself in her shoes - to see things from her perspective - very difficult but necessary. Have you read Gary Chapman's Love Languages? If not then do so.

And you need to detach your emotions from her behaviour. When she does stuff that would normally drive you insane with jealousy, doubt or grief, detach and look at it like it's a movie playing out. Step back from the emotional edge and just observe. Think of it like a sociological study of primates. Look at it from a dispassionate point of view - like a scientist studying a specimen.

I know it's very difficult to do, and I get caught up in my emotions and imagination daily. But I just catch myself and reel it in. Awareness of your emotional responding is necessary.


M: 59 W: 53
M: 9 yrs
T: 14 yrs
No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine)
W moved out 11/18/2013
D-Day 12/14/2013
W moved back home 12/1/2014
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Originally Posted By: dawgy
I do not want her children to hate her or disrespect her in anyway , but i think thats she knows and I know that is precisely what will happen if her two sons find out . This is the biggest reason Ive been trying to keep our marriage together. Whether she sees it or not I am protecting her from that out come
Is that really the biggest reason you want to stay married, to protect her from the consequences of her actions? That is awfully egotistical and controlling. You're trying to control your W and sons' emotions and actions. You can't control them just like they can't control you. You have to learn this dawgy. It has been said to you on here dozens of times now. Yet every time it seems like you acknowledge and agree, then a few days later post something that suggests you did not learn anything.

Listen to what Peter just said, especially at the end where he says

Originally Posted By: PeterV2
I know it's very difficult to do, and I get caught up in my emotions and imagination daily. But I just catch myself and reel it in. Awareness of your emotional responding is necessary.

Every single one of us gets the same feelings you do...hopeless, yearning for what was lost, etc. It's what you do when those feelings start that counts.

- NOTICE that you are starting to think or feel something that you know will lead down a painful path
- DODGE your thoughts to a different subject or perspective (as Peter suggests, like you're watching a movie)

That takes practice but it is effective.

Last edited by Card29; 10/31/14 06:30 PM.

Me 38, WAW 30
D11 (former marriage)
S2
T 8 years
M 3 years
BD 8/20/23
S 8/20/23
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Some days i feel like throwing in the towel . I wonder if she came to me today and said she wanted to work on us I would say yes. But how can i come to grips with the fact she has had sex with another man all this time . How can i kiss this woman ever again ? This question must come up in many minds on this forum . Just wondering has anyone have suggestions on how to get over the fact that their spouse has been sexually intimate with another person , likely with out the use of condoms ? Is this something an individual must conquer


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
Joined: Apr 2014
Posts: 3,500
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When I first heard about the A, one of my first thoughts was "When did we last kiss? Was that the last time we'll ever kiss again?"

The thought was unbearable. So I tried to forgive him.

You can see how that worked out. Yes, I got to kiss him again, and even ML. But without doing the work to repair the relationship, it was worse than just sex. I felt used, and I felt like I was competing with her.

If we both do the work to change ourselves, I'll probably still be aware of her for a long time. But that's all it will be. Just awareness, that I can dismiss. If we do what's needed to truly reconcile, she won't be in my bed with us. (Assuming HE is, which is by no means a given!!)

Hope that helps.


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
Joined: Jun 2014
Posts: 309
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Yes it did help > Thank you for that . Dawgy


Me 45 W 45
Son 16 Son 14
Married 23 together 27
W threatened sep several times
W still at home
A discovered Mar 17 2014
A ended DEC 2 ( skeptical )
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