Maybell XVIII

[Jefe]

Well, I'm standing for the marriage itself and the woman I married, not necessarily the woman I interact with now.

I'm with Zeus, I'm here till there is not a single bridge left. Then I may contemplate building a new one for a minute or two afterwards. Maybe I'm just dumb.

[vossy]

I'm kind of in that place Claire & 25 described, where if he wants back he knows where to find me, I'm fine either way. That's a little scary. I don't trust that he has enough strength of will to come back. And I don't know how smooth the road home is. (Although I can see him assuming that I'm pining for him indefinitely, since I did give that impression for a long time.)

If nothing is really going wrong for them, then perhaps they feel like it must be going right. So they stay in that fog, they don't lift themselves out of it. And for me, I'm positive my ex thinks that he could come back 3 years from now and I'd still be willing to give it another go. And as long as he thinks that, why make a move? Why would he shake up his currently comfortable life? So frustrating.. I feel you!

[Mozza]

I don't trust that he has enough strength of will to come back.

Two days ago, in my "day of anger", I was saying that I deserve to be loved. That I better be with someone that loves me back as much as I love her. That I shouldn't be worried all the time that the other person's commitment is depending on my constant stress and compensation for them. It's a sad thing to realize, but my W shouldn't come back if she doesn't love me deeply and want this to work as much as I do. I'm still willing to take her back under any circumstances, but I can feel that my emotions are catching up with my reason. Of course, I also have my share of changes to implement so that I'm worthy of her return.

I feel like it's the idea of marriage I'm standing for rather than the actual guy I married. Does anyone else feel this way?

I wouldn't put the two in opposition because I feel that I stand for both. It might also be that marriage is one of our best arguments to stay together and it just stings to see it thrown away like it doesn't count.

[bravo61]

maybell,
i will relate to you a convo i had with my S8 the other day. he asked me "daddy why do you love mama after she treats you so bad?" i told him it's my job to show him how to love unconditionally like God wants us to. he looked at me and said, "but daddy she's making such bad choices". i told him that one day he would probably make bad choices too and i would still love him and not give up on him either. he teared up and said "i hope mama doesn't break up our family". all i could do was hug him and try not to cry.

ultimately i think we are all holding on as long as we can because we would want someone to do it for us and its the right thing to do. if it was easy, everyone would do it. my two cents.

[Maybell]

Jefe, lol, I don't think you're dumb. Stalwart.

Yes, Claire I was channeling you when I wrote that. Can I maintain enough of a boundary? I am not ready to be warm. I can be polite. I can smooth his path with the kids. I can even smile at him as I did when I was dashing off to a very festive GAL event and our eyes met as we got in the car. But I don't want to tell him about me. He will have to work to know me. I'm worth the effort.

Card, I think that about my H too. The only way to make him understand I really mean what I'm doing is to let more time go by, because he doesn't seem to have explored dissolving the marriage at all. A week or so ago I mentioned that I would need to arrange childcare if I end up with a full time job. He said, "I'll help pay for that if it comes to that." I looked at him and said, "Well, yes, you will." (I mean, duh, best case scenario he makes 6x what I will...) and he got all mad and said, "I just want you to know I'm not going to leave you unprovided for." I'm not going to escalate to legal proceedings but my lawyer says I'm entitled to substantial amounts if we get to that point and apparently that hasn't occurred to him. But he clearly thinks he holds all the cards.

Zues, maybe your position, which is where I find myself, is scariest. Because what if I let time go by and he never becomes the man I'm hoping for? What if he's never a father who really treasures knowing his kids, with the curiosity to learn about them and nurture them? What if he's like 25's older brother, who divorced the great first wife to marry his work and the low-expectations second wife? Is my life worth that over a principle? Are my kids' future relationships worth that principle? I don't know how to draw the line. But for myself, I've lived like that long enough. My future must be better than that.

I suppose it's a moot point given he was flirting with a trashy blond a week ago... So I stand for now.

[Jefe]

Mozza - "I wouldn't put the two in opposition because I feel that I stand for both. It might also be that marriage is one of our best arguments to stay together and it just stings to see it thrown away like it doesn't count."

bravo61 - "ultimately i think we are all holding on as long as we can because we would want someone to do it for us and its the right thing to do. if it was easy, everyone would do it. my two cents."

^^^Good stuff, right there^^^

Bravo, my D5 says stuff like this too and she cries almost every night wondering where mommy is. I cry with her 25% of the time. I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't be stronger for them.

[Maybell]

Sigh. It's just dragged on so long now. It's been two years or more since I really had a husband. As in a life partner who worked with me to build a mutually fulfilling life.

[claire7]

You know, Maybell. I just had a thought. I spent the first 35 years of my life wishing my parents would be different kinds of people. It caused me so much heartache and wasted so much energy, because of course I cannot control them any more than I can control the weather.

I don't want to spend the next 35 years wishing the same thing about the man I chose to marry, when I was unhealthy and didn't love myself enough.

Your H is who he is. If he chooses to do the work to change, fabulous! Definitely for him and your kids, maybe for you. If he doesn't... eventually you will have to come to terms with it, for you and for your kids. That suxx, I know.
((hugs)) to you.

[gan]

I don't trust that he has enough strength of will to come back.

It's interesting. A lot of ladies here - me included - ponder this. I have a lot of reasons to believe H won't confront himself and work this through. That's been my opinion of him for a long time. It was me who (thought I had to) drive us forwards, because he didn't seem to. But lately I have started to wonder about my role in this dynamic. This quote in Passionate Marriage hit home with me:

"If your partner thinks that you're trying to drag him forward into your version of happiness and a better life, you make it safe for him to "dig in his heels" and remain complacent or resistant. When you stop pressuring your partner to change, it pushes you to clarify what you want and what you're willing to do to get it."

Maybe there is strength of will...and it will resurface now that we've learned to back the h!@& off?

[Zues126]

Yeah. Good questions. Personally I was so near being a WAH myself that part of me was glad she had the strength to pull the plug. I asked my IC yesterday about it. Told him I didn't know where to draw the line between setting boundaries of how I allowed myself to be treated vs having unrealistic expectations.

For example, one are i have struggles with sex. I wouldn't be ok living in a marriage without sex. On the other hand, I think most healthy women would find my prior expectations extremely unreasonable.. I have trouble figuring out where exactly a health boundary is. And I know for sure that it is a bigger issue for me than it is to many men.

Good thing I have time to grow! I'm hoping to develop healthier views on sex, and through that gain more confidence that my boundaries are reasonable. Until then I have work to do, so my STBX can take all the time she needs. Could I find a woman that had so many issues she would feed my desires in exchange for putting up with some other dysfunction? Yes, and I am tempted. But I know in my heart I want to be healthy and to be in a functional marriage. So I need to keep down my road. It's a tough journey but maybe if I stay on it ill get somewhere.